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need to get out of this mess...feel lonely and alone - long one.

summermint

By summermint
in The Other Man / Woman

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Washingmachine1980 Member

Washingmachine1980

Posted
Posted

Document and time stamp all contact you have with him. Only contact him by email on company email if you can. Absolutely no one on one meetings. I would be willing to bet that everyone that works there knows about you two no matter how hard you tried to hide it. If he tries to get you fired, sue the company for sexual harassment. They will take your word over his.

TheOW Established Member

TheOW

Posted
Posted (edited)

You can't tell ur husband the whole truth can you? He beat you once over a "couple" of times, imagine his reaction when he knows the full truth

 

And you know this, do not pretend he will never do it again, was he on his knees begging you to forgive him for doing this to you ?

 

He will do it again

 

Forget about MM and his wife and focus on YOUR future and from what I've just read its should not be with your husband. The M was finished the minute he lays his fists on you. I do not care that you cheated yes it's wrong and immoral etc but violence is a no go.

Edited by TheOW
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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

Summermint;

I'll start by quoting you in a couple places but know I am sorry you are hurting from your choices. *

" I was ok. My marriage was over so wanted his to work out if there was a chance even if it was lying as long as I was not getting pulled into it.

 

And,

 

"Beat me until back & blue everywhere"

 

And,

 

"...want to get back w/my husband"

 

Summermint, WHY?!!??

WHY Lie to your husband after D-day?

WHY agree w/MM's lies about you to his W?

WHY allow your husband to beat you let alone slap you even ONE time?

WHY go to their HOME after D-day w/out a cordial invite, to open yourself up to More abuse from MM & His W?

WHY would you want to R w/your BH after he beat you?

WHY are you SO afraid to be alone for a while to get your life back on track?!

 

I can't even imagine the pain in your whole life right now.

I would advise creating your own personal support crew. Gather the people around you that love you in spite of your choices, behavior & actions (because they will know that these current choices don't necessarily reflect who you really are /can be again). Tell these people the TRUTH so they can see how to help support you. Then GET COUNCELING!!A THERAPIST, PSYCHOLOGIST, PASTOR a professional to help you acknowledge, sort, deal w/then overcome your personal issues. (We ALL have issues so please don't think I'm singling you out)*

If you look REALLY hard, you may be able to view this as a small positive in that, you are at the bottom, rock solid bottom, only place to go... is up.

All my best,

CIH

  • Like 3
Ninja'sHusband Established Member

Ninja'sHusband

Posted
Posted
Telling in front of a counselor isn't goign to keep her safe, he'll just wait til he has her home.

Please read the rest of my post, the part you cut out.

LFH Established Member

LFH

Posted
Posted
Please read the rest of my post' date=' the part you cut out.[/quote']

 

I did, and I stand by what I said. He's not going to beat her in front of the counselor but as soon as he tells everyone he has himself all under control she'll believe it. Then they'll go home. Telling in front of a witness isn't going to save her life if he gets out of control when he gets her alone.

 

It's not safe. He lost his right to expect the truth when he put his hands on her in anger. She lost her right to expect to continue a happy marriage when she had an affair.

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TheOW Established Member

TheOW

Posted
Posted

I also have a strong feeling that this is not the first time ur H has laid hands on you, maybe I'm wrong but you seem to "calm" about it.

 

Women who have been in past abusive relationships know the signs all to well.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

yes, and unfortunately the "I can't leave this relationship because he needs me" is a classic NOT-"Get-out Clause".....

 

Women who are abused somehow believe that they are indispensable to the abuser.

The Abuser has a problem, but they're to be pitied, they can't help it.

 

It's a problem probably based in a childhood trauma, so they can't help being the way they are... which is why the abused/victim cannot possibly think of leaving... they're the only person who understands the abuser.... without them, the abuser would crumble.

 

I have no idea at all whether this is anything anywhere near close to what obliges the OP to feel she cannot leave, because 'he needs her' ..... It could all be complete hypothesis.

 

But it's a classic rationale abuse victims put forward for staying.

  • Like 1
SunshineToday Established Member

SunshineToday

Posted
Posted

If this is truly the first time he ever touched you physically then yes, to counseling you go. Tell the counselor.

 

I really hope some OW/OM read this thread, when they wonder what their AP who loved them sooooo much is doing after Dday. Well here you have 2 diff APs both fighting like heck to save their marriages! And to heck with the AP!

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted (edited)

Summermint,

 

The concern here about abuse is legitimate. I'm about to go out on a limb here. I can almost understand a one-time physical reaction in the immediate aftermath of discovery. People do lose control sometimes. I'm not saying it's right or that he shouldn't be held accountable but that perhaps it could be forgivable. The problem here is that it doesn't sound like a one-time event at all. That means he has made some conscious choices to physically lay into you. And particularly if this is a part of your marital history, it not only needs to be confronted, but it needs to be the paramount concern right now.

 

As for reconciling with your husband, it takes two. It takes a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. The problem is that it takes a LONG time to figure out if you have those two requirements.

 

As for you, it is critically important that you do not stay out of guilt and obligation. Damage control is the immediate reaction on your part. You need to do a lot of analysis through individual counseling to determine why you cheated and why you would choose to stay or leave. An immediate choice on your part is not a wise one.

 

As well, it will take a long time for your husband to decide what he wants and he will change direction probably minute to minute for quite a while. My wife's affair was similar to yours (13 months with hotels about twice a week). She also trickled the truth to me. We don't tend to immediately fall out of love with our spouse, which is why he is depressed and drinking. As horrible as his reaction has been, his pain is a reflection of how much he valued you and the marriage or he would have just filed for divorce. Trust me, he is trying to find a way to choke down this s hit sandwich and save his marriage. The best thing you can do is to give him the truth and time to make his choice. Another poster was right that reconciliation takes 2-5 years after infidelity. IF this marriage is going to recover, you must accept that it will take that long and that you cannot do it alone regardless of your resolve. It takes two to make a marriage and only one to dissolve it. You've dropped a nuke on that marriage; he deserves whatever time he wants to decide if he's going to pick up the pieces with you or walk away. And again, you must also decide if it is what YOU truly want. Your actions of the past year are not consistent with desperately wanting to keep your marriage at all costs. You must look deep into yourself to determine your real motivation. If it's guilt, obligation, or damage control, that's not enough.

Edited by BetrayedH
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summermint New Member

summermint

Posted
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Posted

cominginhot:

I thought my marriage was over because of how he has been behaving with me. Until yesterday, he just wanted me out. But yesterday when he said I could stay for the childern I felt a ray of hope. The marriage will never be over from my side.

 

WHY Lie to your husband after D-day?

Because just with that little truth he was so upset, I am scared to tell him all the truth. But I will.

 

WHY agree w/MM's lies about you to his W?

Because I was thinking if that will save him his marriage then I should do it. At least he could work on his and get it fixed. What does it matter to me if his wife thinks if I am the bad guy.

 

WHY allow your husband to beat you let alone slap you even ONE time?

That was sudden. I did not expect it. He actually wanted to drive to xMMs house and beat him up but I got in the way to stop him and thats how I ended up being the punching sack.

 

WHY go to their HOME after D-day w/out a cordial invite, to open yourself up to More abuse from MM & His W?

I just wanted to talk to xMM alone. I called him outside. I needed to vent to him. But they walked out to me together.

 

WHY would you want to R w/your BH after he beat you?

Because thats not how he is. And I really want to be with him. Maybe our love got rusty somewhere with the day-to-day things and I just craved for his attention but we were always busy with childern. We both do not have any family at all that can help us so we have been doing everything 24x7 by ourselves without a break. Of course this is not an excuse because he equally helps me and he did not feel the need to be involved in any affair.

Our families have disowned us because we wanted to marry each other and we have accepted that. Meaning we wanted to be with each other that bad to forgo all our family ties. So how can I just leave.

My husband is quite a handsome guy who works out 4 times a week at 5 AM in the morning so he can be at home to help me with the kids when I and the kids wake up. He is just too nice to me. I cannot find anyone who will take care of himself and me at the same level.

 

WHY are you SO afraid to be alone for a while to get your life back on track?!

I am not afraid. I just want to be with him. I want my life back on track with him. I just got carried away. I dont know why I did what I did. That is something I need to find out.

 

I really appreciate all the concerns about the beating...I do not live in fear....but I know equally well that he will not able to handle the whole truth...because he could have never expected that of me...and there is no way for him to deal with the truth by himself.

 

One of you asked me what happens when I go down to the basement: He pretends as if I am not there. He does not talk to me. If I say I need to talk to you, he responds - Unless it is about the kids you are not to talk to me. And asks me to just go away. But he is calm now. For the past few weeks the house was like it is on fire but everything has calmed down now and even the childern finally seem to be themselves.

 

Workday is tough, its just very hard to sit across the table, to look at xMM and try to get work done. We normally have atleast 2 meetings a day together (no 1-1's) But am concentrating on being professional. I have no desire to even look at him and on his end he too keeps avoiding me. I almost choked up when I had to talk to him directly in the meeting but he took the lead on the conversation and the moment passed.

 

I think my husband will eventually start talking me. I am going to let this week go lying low seraching for IC and MC and when he is ready we will deal with this together.

 

Thank you all for you prespective. I just needed to talk to someone and you guys have really helped me clear some fog around me.

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