need to get out of this mess...feel lonely and alone - long one.

March 5, 2013

Here is my story...

Married for 12 years, 2 kids.Changed job last year.Met MM at work, is my collegue at work. We work with each other everyday day and night. Nights are work from home types. Sometimes way late into the night. We hit off right from the first day. The attraction was too intense and before we knew it, we were physical(2 months into the job). We started getting more and more closer and wanted to spend more time together so we introduced our spouses to each other and even started going out for dinner/movies together as 2 couples. We even took a Bahamas vacation together, my family and his. We were writing emails to each other to a private account everyday, meeting up for sex twice a week. Very much involved emotionally at this point. Me definitely, and I felt he too was. I even ended up getting pregnant but had it terminated.

Fast forward into Feb - BS caught my email to the MM and was shattered. Could not believe this was happening, that too with a person whom he considered almost like his brother. Called him up right away, told his wife later in an email. So MM had to confess.But he told his wife we did it only once on a weekend that she was away. I told my husband we did it a couple of times and that we(me and MM) got close and physical only after the vacation. At this point my husbands thinks we have done it only a couple of times and his wife thinks we have done it only once. But the truth is that we have done it every week twice and sometimes thrice for the whole year.MM potrayed me as the OW who tried to seduce him into a relationship which he never wanted and that he is the innocent one. He told me about it at work, since we work together. I was ok. My marriage was over so wanted his to work out if there was a chance even if it was lying as long as I was not getting pulled into it.

Then suddenly MM's wife comes to work to meet me but I refused to meet her. I told the MM that she was at here. He went out to meet her and did not return to work that day. Next day I get an email from his wife threatning me that if I did not tell her all the details she would commit suicide. I wrote her an email to calm her down and asked for her forgiveness. I even cced the MM on the email. Then I was getting stressed out with the whole suicide thing so I also called her but it went on VM but she called me back after an hour.I again tried to calm her down, said sorry to her and asked her for her forgiveness, said I did not mean it to happen it just happened.

She said she wanted all the details but I knew the details that he told her were incorrect and I was confused whether to tell her the truth or just accept what he had told her. So I prompted her to check what he said and I just kept agreeing to all of it even though it was a whole bunch of lies...thinking if she can just somehow adjust to it and lay it to rest. But she kept going and refused to refrain from her threat of suicide until she saw the emails that we had written to each other. But the MM had already deleted all emails from that account. I told her there were none and hanged up the phone. I was really feeling quite stressed out with issues happening at my house and this suicide threat. My childern hadnt seen a quite day in 2 weeks and this seemed liked it was getting only worse. When my husband came home that night I just had to tell him about this email and he was again upset at me for ruining our and the MM's family. I was taken aback, it seemed like all of them were set to crucify me and no one seems to be balming the MM. My husband, his wife and even he was saying it was my fault.The 2 weeks at my house were so bad with my husbands having feeling these waves of angry and jealousy that he beat me up quite often. I was black and blue every part of my body and now to be hit with accusations from everyone that I was this bad person, really broke me into peices.Now after 3 weeks of trying to sort this out I was unable to hold it together. When I drove to work the next day, I drove straight to his house. I called him from outside and told him to come in the car so I could speak to him. I really just wanted to vent out to him. But he came out with his wife and told me that she was his life patner and that he wanted to be open about everything with her. I told him only he and I really knew the truth and that I need to vent out..but he did not budge. SHe also intigated me and told me that she had forgiven him and that whatever I needed to say. At which point I just lost it. I told her the exact truth of that one particular day which again he had potrayed as me who had planned it. He had to accept it what I said was the truth. She then started to question my relationship with my husband and ask all sort of intimate questions. At this point I was done. It seemed that he had told all truth about my part of the story and nothing but lies of his part of the story. I was getting sick of all this and I just told her to keep her mouth shut about me and my husband. I told her she needed to fix her issues and first figure out why her husband was not able to get it up for her ever and walked away. I think when I said this, she for the first time believed me that I was telling the truth. I told him that I would not have said it but you both have pushed me to the limit and I cannot take it anymore. I reminded him that there were many times when my husband wanted to confront him and wack his head but I was being that middle person trying to take all the blame and not let him get to him. But he (the MM) just threw me under the bus at the first opportunity. I just walked away. She kept asking me to stay but I just went away. She called me many times after this but I never picked up her phone again.

I took a week off from work and have just returned.There have been no calls or emails from her. I just want to concentrate on caring for my childern but am mentally exhausted. Although the last week did help. I am not sure what is going to happen with me and my husband. We are only talking on need basis at the moment. But he has calmed down a bit. What I need help is with how to handle the situation at work with this guy. I will see him everyday and need to talk/correspond with him constantly. I need to keep this job until I find a new one. I have started looking out but there are no good opportunities as of now. I want to reconcile with my husband and build our love once again. Can this happen ? How am I going to fix this ? Where do I start ? I feel so lonely and alone.

March 5, 2013

Here is my story...

Married for 12 years, 2 kids.Changed job last year.Met MM at work, is my collegue at work. We work with each other everyday day and night. Nights are work from home types. Sometimes way late into the night. We hit of right from the first day. The attraction was too intense and before we knew it, we were physical(2 months into the job). We started getting more and more closer and wanted to spend more time together so we introduced our spouses to each other and even started going out for dinner/movies together as 2 couples. We even took a Bahamas vacation together, my family and his. We were writing emails to each other to a private account everyday, meeting up for sex twice a week. Very much involved emotionally at this point. Me definitely, and I felt he too was. I even ended up getting pregnant but had it terminated.

Fast forward into Feb - BS caught my email to the MM and was shattered. Could not believe this was happening, that too with a person whom he considered almost like his brother. Called him up right away, told his wife later in an email. So MM had to confess.But he told his wife we did it only once on a weekend that she was away. I told my husband we did it a couple of times and that we(me and MM) got close and physical only after the vacation. At this point my husbands thinks we have done it only a couple of times and his wife thinks we have done it only once. But the truth is that we have done it every week twice and sometimes thrice for the whole year.MM potrayed me as the OW who tried to seduce him into a relationship which he never wanted and that he is the innocent one. He told me about it at work, since we work together. I was ok. My marriage was over so wanted his to work out if there was a chance even if it was lying as long as I was not getting pulled into it.

Then suddenly MM's wife comes to work to meet me but I refused to meet her. I told the MM that she was at here. He went out to meet her and did not return to work that day. Next day I get an email from his wife threatning me that if I did not tell her all the details she would commit suicide. I wrote her an email to calm her down and asked for her forgiveness. I even cced the MM on the email. Then I was getting stressed out with the whole suicide thing so I also called her but it went on VM but she called me back after an hour.I again tried to calm her down, said sorry to her and asked her for her forgiveness, said I did not mean it to happen it just happened.

She said she wanted all the details but I knew the details that he told her were incorrect and I was confused whether to tell her the truth or just accept what he had told her. So I prompted her to check what he said and I just kept agreeing to all of it even though it was a whole bunch of lies...thinking if she can just somehow adjust to it and lay it to rest. But she kept going and refused to refrain from her threat of suicide until she saw the emails that we had written to each other. But the MM had already deleted all emails from that account. I told her there were none and hanged up the phone. I was really feeling quite stressed out with issues happening at my house and this suicide threat. My childern hadnt seen a quite day in 2 weeks and this seemed liked it was getting only worse.

When my husband came home that night I just had to tell him about this email and he was again upset at me for ruining our and the MM's family. I was taken aback, it seemed like all of them were set to crucify me and no one seems to be balming the MM. My husband, his wife and even he was saying it was my fault.The 2 weeks at my house were so bad with my husbands having feeling these waves of angry and jealousy that he beat me up quite often. I was black and blue every part of my body and now to be hit with accusations from everyone that I was this bad person, really broke me into peices.Now after 3 weeks of trying to sort this out I was unable to hold it together. When I drove to work the next day, I drove straight to his house. I called him from outside and told him to come in the car so I could speak to him. I really just wanted to vent out to him. But he came out with his wife and told me that she was his life patner and that he wanted to be open about everything with her. I told him only he and I really knew the truth and that I need to vent out..but he did not budge. SHe also intigated me and told me that she had forgiven him and that whatever I needed to say. At which point I just lost it. I told her the exact truth of that one particular day which again he had potrayed as me who had planned it. He had to accept it what I said was the truth. She then started to question my relationship with my husband and ask all sort of intimate questions. At this point I was done. It seemed that he had told all truth about my part of the story and nothing but lies of his part of the story. I was getting sick of all this and I just told her to keep her mouth shut about me and my husband. I told her she needed to fix her issues and first figure out why her husband was not able to get it up for her ever and walked away. I think when I said this, she for the first time believed me that I was telling the truth. I told him that I would not have said it but you both have pushed me to the limit and I cannot take it anymore. I reminded him that there were many times when my husband wanted to confront him and wack his head but I was being that middle person trying to take all the blame and not let him get to him. But he (the MM) just threw me under the bus at the first opportunity. I just walked away. She kept asking me to stay but I just went away. She called me many times after this but I never picked up her phone again.

I took a week off from work and have just returned.There have been no calls or emails from her. I just want to concentrate on caring for my childern but am mentally exhausted. Although the last week did help. I am not sure what is going to happen with me and my husband. We are only talking on need basis at the moment. But he has calmed down a bit. What I need help is with how to handle the situation at work with this guy. I will see him everyday and need to talk/correspond with him constantly. I need to keep this job until I find a new one. I have started looking out but there are no good opportunities as of now. I want to reconcile with my husband and build our love once again. Can this happen ? How am I going to fix this ? I feel so lonely and alone.

I'll just start here. So, your husband beat you, until you were "black and blue" and you didn't call the police and you're asking a bunch if strangers if you should stay with him? That's really your question?

March 5, 2013

having an affair with a work colleague was the dumbest thing.

Everything you've gone through is as a result of you (and your MM's) decisions to cheat and deceive. Basically, the fall-out was catastrophic, and lies on more lies just made everything so much worse.

So you deserve everything you got.

....Everything, that is, except being subjected to physical abuse by your husband.

That is inexcusable, unforgivable and completely utterly, totally unacceptable.

You need to get yourself clear of this, and get to a place of safety.

Because no matter what a person may do - they do not deserve to be subjected to being beaten black and blue, by anyone, for anything to any extent.

At all.

Period, full stop, end of story.

March 5, 2013

My husband has never beaten me up before in the 12 years of married life or the 2 years that we dated...he has never been so voilent before. I brought this upon myself.He has apologised since and has promised never to touch me again.

My question is where do I begin. I want to stay with him and my childern. And I want to understand how to handle the situation at work and this guy whom I see everyday.

March 5, 2013

I don't believe she deserved everything she got it takes two to tango but for some reason many bs - the women at least always seem to blame the ow rather than the person they married - probably b/c it's easier than realising that the person that promised to love you forever failed but I really hate it when the women blame the ow all the time no one forced him this

I think you know what you need to do OP, get another job but its not that easy nowadays just keep looking and keep all communications professional

Can I ask is he glad this is over or do you think after some time has passed he'll want to restart the affair?

March 5, 2013

I'll just start here. So, your husband beat you, until you were "black and blue" and you didn't call the police and you're asking a bunch if strangers if you should stay with him? That's really your question?

yes out of all of what has happened, you still are focused on MM and his wife.

You and MM made TOTAL fools of your unsuspecting spouses, pretending the friendship was platonic and hid the affair, right under their noses. That's pretty ballsy.

Anyway, you two still are lying, minimizing the A and the details of it. Why lie? Why not just come clean and tell the truth, how long your A really was, why you chose to have an A? Saying you didn't mean for it to happen, it just happened is a cowards way out. OWN your choices, face the consquences.

Your H beat the living crap out of you. He should be in jail and NO WHERE near your children. Fact!!!! Call the cops now and file charges against him. I am shocked that you haven't done that yet. Your children now need to be protected, as well as yourself.

Sucks too that now you have to deal with exMM daily since you two work together. This is why work place affairs are usually against office policy, even single folks dating - When it ends, it's bad.

March 5, 2013

My husband has never beaten me up before in the 12 years of married life or the 2 years that we dated...he has never been so voilent before. I brought this upon myself.He has apologised since and has promised never to touch me again.
My question is where do I begin. I want to stay with him and my childern. And I want to understand how to handle the situation at work and this guy whom I see everyday.

Reguardless of your choices and having the affair, you did NOT deserve to get beaten up by your husband! Stop defending his behaviour, he lost it and took it out on you. Affairs can bring the worst out in some people, hello, crimes of passion! You say your H isn't volient and has never hit you before - ONCE is enough, especially since you say you were black and blue all over. Seriously, your marriage is over anyway, not because of your affair, but HIS abuse. No excuse for that!

You need to quit your job or ask for a transfer.

March 5, 2013

Ouch that's a mess. The only thing that I could really blame you of is developing a friendship between the families when you were already involved. That was a really bad move.

As far as exMM is concerned, just treat him as you'd treat a cowarker you don't like. Avoid, keep things short and professional. You need to drop any sense of having something with him, even if emotionally you won't be there for a while.

As far as hubby is concerned, the advice is to tell the truth. Sit him down and tell him everything. If he beats you, call the police and be done with him. If he doesn't, see where time will lead the two of you.

Edited March 5, 2013 by cutedragon

March 5, 2013

Ouch that's a mess. The only thing that I could really blame you of is developing a friendship between the families when you were already involved. That was a really bad move.

As far as exMM is concerned, just treat him as you'd treat a cowarker you don't like. Avoid, keep things short and professional. You need to drop any sense of having something with him, even if emotionally you won't be there for a while.

As far as hubby is concerned, the advice is to tell the truth. Sit him down and tell him everything. If he beats you, call the police and be done with him. If he doesn't, see where time will lead the two of you.

Did you miss the part where her BS already beat the crap out of her? OP, no. You don't wait around for him to beat you again. He doesn't get a "do over". You know what he is capable of because he's already done it. Your next steps should be to protect yourself and your children. Your marriage is over. Seek legal counsel TODAY!

March 5, 2013

I just cant help but feel sorry for this woman, the BS, who is begging for some truth but being refused it. Thats the kind of thing people can lose their minds over.

March 5, 2013

TELL the truth....all of it. Every last bit of it, to your H and if you have saved emails, send them to her too.

Your H cannot touch you again, and if he does, call 911 and tell him you will do it.

Apologize for being a coward who could not tell the truth then, but are willing to answer every question now.

Tell your H first and answer all his questions. Then agree to meet publicly with both of them to answer all her questions.

get to counseling, both IC and Mc if he will go.

When all of that is in place, ask fo a appointment with the head of HR and tell them you are working on your marriage and would prefer a transfer to someplace where you do not have to have daily contact with him.

BE completely transparent with your spouse. If you are going to be five minutes late, call him.

Even with all that youmaynot be able to save anything, except your sanity and a honest future.

March 5, 2013

My husband has never beaten me up before in the 12 years of married life or the 2 years that we dated...he has never been so voilent before.

Oh, good.... fine.

Well, that makes it all ok then.

I brought this upon myself.

Actions have consequences.

When we act foolishly, we fail to consider the consequences, particularly when it's the heart LEADING the head.

However, these consequences do not include being subjected to a beating that leaves you bruised and battered.

You may have to endure the consequences of the affair, the discoverym, the revelations, the lies and the exposure, PLKUs being made to be the 'bad guy' bhy everyone (another thing I agree you did not deserve, by the way....) But you did not bring this beating, upon yourself.

He chose to abandon control. he chose to subject you to physical abuse. he chose to lay his fists on you and leave you bruised.

That is completely off the wall, and utterly despicable.

He has apologised since and has promised never to touch me again.

Don't believe him.

If he had told you before this event that no matter what, he would never dream of laying a hand on you, then that would have been a lie.

And it's not that he was pushed 'too far'.

He didn't go round and beat the MM up, did he?

"he has never been so violent before".... so... you mean, he has been somewhat violent in the past?

I say again:

Don't believe him.

My question is where do I begin. I want to stay with him and my childern. And I want to understand how to handle the situation at work and this guy whom I see everyday.

He undertakes Anger management. That is unconditional.

You both attend MC.

He has to learn that the consequences of laying a finger on you, are legal and restrictive.

FILE CHARGES.

MC is the place to deal with such matters verbally, because it offers a safe environment and a level playing field.

For you to succumb to an affair, there must have been something seriously lacking in your marriage to seek it elsewhere.

The fault for the affair (insofar as only you and your H are concerned) is yours.

The Responsibility of the state of your marriage prior to this - is joint, straight down the middle, split 50-50, between you both.

MC does not necessarily strive to keep couples together, if it becomes clear that the relationship cannot be salvaged.

he has to be able to forgive and trust again. You have to be able to hold your head up after contrition and remorse - but you both have to develop respect for one another, and put the other person first.

Cuts both ways.

as for work:

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

Avoid the MM as much as is physically possible, and do not speak to him, or approach him at work, about anything else other than strictly work matters, and those, alone.

Ignore and deflect any attempt on his part to engage in discussion, dialogue or conversation on any and every matter NOT to do with work.

Avoid eye contact and avoid pleasantries.

If he sends you an email, forward it to his wife.

If he sends you a text, do like wise.

Be transparent with your H about everything, and answer any question he asks, but if he begins to berate and to badger, remove yourself from the discussion, and do not let him beat you round the head, ever again, be it verbally or physically.

ESPECIALLY physically.

March 5, 2013

Thank you all for your concerns and honest feedbacks. There is really no need for me to be worry about my or my childern's safety. I want to be with my husband. He loves me a lot and yes just like whichwayisup said he was deeply pained at what I brought him to with having develop family friendship with MM's family and mine. I do not have the courage to tell him everything. I just want to know what steps I can take to try and build what we had before or alteast come close to it.

I have learned my lesson and am mentally exhausted. I am unable to focus on my work or my childern. When will this start being ok ? Just need some support words so I can start rebuilding everything.

March 5, 2013

Thank you all for your concerns and honest feedbacks. There is really no need for me to be worry about my or my childern's safety. I want to be with my husband. He loves me a lot and yes just like whichwayisup said he was deeply pained at what I brought him to with having develop family friendship with MM's family and mine. I do not have the courage to tell him everything. I just want to know what steps I can take to try and build what we had before or alteast come close to it.

Your only hope of a clean slate and a new beginning, is to declare and reveal everything.

leave nothing in secret, because these things have a way of worming themselves up to the surface, and 'trickle truth' is one of the greatest destroyers of Trust there can ever be.

You need counselling, but be under no illusion: your marriage will never, ever be the same again.

And a man who can hit you once, can hit you again.

You did NOT 'bring him to' anything.

I say again: The choice to be violent, was his. And if, as your previous comment implied, he has been violent before, (though never as much as this) then there is absolutely no reason at all why he won't be again.

Repeat: He MUST agree to Anger Management, and you must both go through MC.

MC will disclose the source of your dissatisfaction within the marriage.

It won't cure it.

That takes both of you, takes 100% commitment from both of you, and takes stark honesty, and time.

And stark honesty is not only about details of the affair.

Stark honesty is also about what you found unacceptable within the marriage - and how it can be rectified.

I have learned my lesson and am mentally exhausted. I am unable to focus on my work or my childern. When will this start being ok ? Just need some support words so I can start rebuilding everything.

You will begin to feel better, when you gain some kind of closure.

And closure comes from you.

YOU need to determine how much of this you're going to keep carrying around.

Emotional baggage is not an obligatory load.

You may be culpable, but that doesn't mean you must be forced to shoulder the guilt for the remainder of your days.

Full disclosure - then put it down - and leave it be.

March 5, 2013

Did you miss the part where her BS already beat the crap out of her? OP, no. You don't wait around for him to beat you again. He doesn't get a "do over". You know what he is capable of because he's already done it. Your next steps should be to protect yourself and your children. Your marriage is over. Seek legal counsel TODAY!

No, I didn't miss that part and it hurts to see she was his puching sack. However, people make their own choices and she's willing to take that as punishment, and she wants to be with him. That's why I advised that if he's violent again, she should end it. Testing that with the truth of the A is pretty strong. It could be really that it won't happen again. I couldn't live with the fear, but different people normalize and cope differently.

March 5, 2013

No, I didn't miss that part and it hurts to see she was his puching sack. However, people make their own choices and she's willing to take that as punishment, and she wants to be with him. That's why I advised that if he's violent again, she should end it. Testing that with the truth of the A is pretty strong. It could be really that it won't happen again. I couldn't live with the fear, but different people normalize and cope differently.

And I guess my point is; if he will beat her (yes, beat her) once, he will likely do it again. There is no way she can rebuild this marriage when she's not even willing to tell him the whole truth. And there is likely any way she can tell him the truth without another violent episode.

Is not like her BS called her names, kicked her out of the house, no he decided his best course of action was a good old ass whoopin'. If OP stays, she can expect more of the same.

She and her AP have caused a lot of pain and deception to the people they supposedly love, made vows with. She has already said she won't tell her husband the truth, basically just continue living in lies.

I'm curious OP, why do you even want this marriage to continue?

March 5, 2013

From what I understand, domestic abuse incidents usually escalate. I also wouldn't wait for the next time and get yourself & the kids out of there now.

Do you have any family or friends that you all could stay with for a couple days?

Everything seems very fresh and raw, and the truth isn't even all out yet. I'm really worried for your safety.

March 5, 2013

Divorce. What are you trying to build? I'm sorry your husband hit you, there's no place for that at all, next time you call the police.

But here's the thing. You willfully cheated for a year, if you're talking twice a week for a year, then you had sex..what at least 104 times

What are you trying to build?

It's not just the sex, but the level of deception to make them meet, to be friends, all the while every chance you get, you're at it.

There's a level of depravity that's really hard to comprehend.

Terrible.

March 5, 2013

Where do you start? With honesty. You'd be amazed at how many betrayed spouses can forgive infidelity but cannot tolerate any more lies and deception.

Listen to what Spark said. Then also read the thread pinned at the top of this forum ("What every WS need to know" or something like that).

I will also reiterate what Spark mentioned about abuse. In order to reconcile, you will have to expect and ride out the rollercoaster of emotions that your H will suffer. He may be angry as hell one minute and want to screw you silly the next. But you do NOT and should not accept abuse, period. Your H may have a whole list of requirements in order to consider reconciling with you. One of your requirements needs to be your personal safety.

You may get a lot of harsh criticism here and it can be hard to take. You will also find a lot of support and solid advice you can't buy anywhere about how to reconcile your marriage. Listen to all of it but then keep what works for you and discard the rest. I encourage you to keep posting not matter what happens. This place has a way of educating you on how to proceed no matter where your path ultimately leads.

Again, your best bet is to start with honesty. Discuss safety with your husband and then offer to answer each and every question he has. Omit NOTHING. Like you, nearly every wayward spouse trickles the truth to their betrayed spouse. Trust me, trickle truth kills more marriages than affairs themselves. Rip the damn bandaid off and rebuild from a point of honesty.

March 5, 2013

I do want to tell my husband the whole truth of the A but like wisernow said it will be impossible for him to hear what I have to say without getting violent. I am trying to find an MC and if he agrees to go I promise I will tell everything in the presence of the MC just not by myself.

He is stable and calm now. I will not let this marriage break. I was the one who messed it up and I will be the one to fix it, no matter what it takes. He told me this morning that I could continue to live in our house as the mother of our childern but not as his wife. I am not to "do anything" for him cooking,laundry etc. He is helping out with the kids like he did before. And even offering some kind words in front of the kids when they ask why mom is crying all the time these days. He has moved down to the basement and when I do go there ocassionally in the night after the kids have gone to bed I find him either crying or drinking.

I think I have got some ideas from reading feedback here and I will use my own judgement and try to work on my issues. Its just too complicated to explain why I need this marriage to continue. And its not financial. I can be quite independent if there be a need. But I chose to marry him and be with him and I just cannot leave him. I know he needs me.

March 5, 2013

I do want to tell my husband the whole truth of the A but like wisernow said it will be impossible for him to hear what I have to say without getting violent. I am trying to find an MC and if he agrees to go I promise I will tell everything in the presence of the MC just not by myself.

And what happens when you leave the MC 'place' and go home?

can you count on him keeping his temper, out of that 'safe environment'?

Personally, I doubt it.

Your fear is tangible.

He is stable and calm now. I will not let this marriage break. I was the one who messed it up and I will be the one to fix it, no matter what it takes.

Sorry dear, pie-in-the-sky, can't be done.

Like I said, it will never be the same again.

The affair was a symptom. The cause is closer to home and a deeper issue to unearth. And much as you might like to think, or believe, that it's up to you to fix it, you can't. Not on your own. Not without his full co-operation.

He told me this morning that I could continue to live in our house as the mother of our childern but not as his wife. I am not to "do anything" for him cooking,laundry etc. He is helping out with the kids like he did before.

And this is why you cannot mend this on your own.

Because he has withdrawn being a husband to you.

he considers you to be a co-habitee, and nothing else.

This struggle - to fix what's broken - cannot be undertaken by you alone. He has to want it as much as you do. If not more.

And even offering some kind words in front of the kids when they ask why mom is crying all the time these days. He has moved down to the basement and when I do go there ocassionally in the night after the kids have gone to bed I find him either crying or drinking.

So what happens when you go down there?

Does he hug you?

Talk to you?

Welcome you?

Is he hostile?

Does he suggest you go away?

is he silent and withdrawn?

Argumentative?

I think I have got some ideas from reading feedback here and I will use my own judgement and try to work on my issues. Its just too complicated to explain why I need this marriage to continue. And its not financial. I can be quite independent if there be a need. But I chose to marry him and be with him and I just cannot leave him. I know he needs me.

Oh stop it, quit being the martyr.

That phrase makes me heave.

If you knew he needed you so much, you wouldn't have phukked the other guy as much as you did.

That doesn't wash.

The man has shut you out.

he has been hostile, aggressive and he's now drinking.

Not good signs.

Like I said, fixing this isn't up to you alone, but quit with the 'he needs me' talk, because to suspend your life because you believe someone else is dependent on having you around is utterly self-defeating and frankly, untrue. Don't make yourself indispensable now.

Now, tell me - Why did this not cross your mind before you began your affair?

March 5, 2013

I also I recommend you tell the truth, but I'm scared for you at the same time. You shouldn't get beat up. Go to counseling. You can tell the story in front of a counselor. When I finally found my wife had been lying about the scope of the affair 4 months into recovery we scheduled a counseling session where she would tell me the "real" story. It made her feel a lot safer I think. Truth be told, I never hit her, she hit ME...but in your case I think you need a witness. Yes call 911 if he hits you, or just get the heck out of the house. You can make this really clear(that you will call 911) in the counseling session and get back up on it. Make him understand that no matter what you do, if he hits you, he is wrong. Same for infidelity btw. There's no excuse for any of this stuff....

It's so sad that you guys abuse each other so badly. Infidelity, lies, and violence are all the most damaging things you can do to each other.

March 5, 2013

And I guess my point is; if he will beat her (yes, beat her) once, he will likely do it again. There is no way she can rebuild this marriage when she's not even willing to tell him the whole truth. And there is likely any way she can tell him the truth without another violent episode.

Is not like her BS called her names, kicked her out of the house, no he decided his best course of action was a good old ass whoopin'. If OP stays, she can expect more of the same.

I agree with you. Given that she's afraid to tell the truth and almost convinced he'd black and blue her again, I'd say the M is done. She can hide the truth, make it better and exMM W can contact her H one day with details. All she'll do is delay the next beating.

OP, your M sounds a little bit toxic. I suggest you two separate if you can and start IC.

March 5, 2013

You will never be safe from your husband. You cheated and lied and when he found out he beat you. You haven't told him the full truth and you know you can't without risking another beating. If you look, you will see that this is something people never recover from.

So even if you don't try and tell him the truth, you'll spend the rest of your life in fear that he might find out and beat you again. Or he'll decide you haven't been "punished" enough some day when you say something he doesn't like and he'll beat you again and you'll take it because you 'brought it on yourself' which is total crap.

Your marriage is over. Staying is inviting more abuse. Your MM is a despicable worm and his wife.. well you can rest assured he'll be living a life of emotional blackmail forever, so don't worry that things will be just fine for him. Threatening suicide to get their way no matter how much pain they are in is not normal. It's manipulative and speaks a lot to the way he'll be living from now on.

I'm sorry that this is such a mess, the best thing for you to do is get some counseling, get out of that house and start fresh.

Stay away from ALL of these people, they are very toxic, that includes your husband.

March 5, 2013

I also I recommend you tell the truth' date=' but I'm scared for you at the same time. You shouldn't get beat up. Go to counseling. You can tell the story in front of a counselor. When I finally found my wife had been lying about the scope of the affair 4 months into recovery we scheduled a counseling session where she would tell me the "real" story. It made her feel a lot safer I think. .[/quote']

Telling in front of a counselor isn't goign to keep her safe, he'll just wait til he has her home.

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need to get out of this mess...feel lonely and alone - long one.

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