Am I too impatient?

[Musubi]

Hi All! My first post here... I'm 36, I've been married 14 years, and we have 2 young daughters. After our second DD was born, things were starting to get tough. My DH is a teacher and a coach with long hours at school. There are days sometimes when I don't even see him; he comes home when I'm already in bed and leaves before I get up at 5. We both work and I've went to work part time just to make the dropping off and picking up the kids doable (I usually do both). In the past 2 years, I felt like with the added responsibility of the second child, there hasn't been any cutting back/rearranging on his part to align with the family dynamics and gradually more and more of the responsibilities fell into my lap. I did the part time arrangement to be able to take more of the load, but things got very uneven. He would hardly have time for the kids and zero time for me. If we tried to do something together or talk, he would fall asleep mid way.

 

A year ago I started thinking about ending the marriage because I didn't feel like we were working as a team well together. I became depressed, lonely and confused and felt like I hit rock bottom. I told him that and he saw the change in me, but nothing really happened or changed. I got a marriage counseling CD set from the library and listened to all 8 CDs. I gave it to him as well in hopes of sitting down and having a good starting point for discussion. He listened to 1 CD and never really had any comments about it. So, that was that. I didn't want to nag him, maybe I should have pushed a bit harder for conversation.

 

I finally about 6 months ago, I had enough of everything staying the same. I've been slowly hinting about wanting a divorce, even told him that I looked at apartments to move into. Not much reaction on his part besides saying that he wants to work on the marriage, but neither of us really took the time to sit down and talk or really work on it; partially maybe because we didn't really know how. I felt like any effort on my part was either ignored or just put on the back burner to talk about it later, which usually never comes. I started to feel discouraged about all my efforts.

 

Now I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore or that I could make this marriage work for the rest of my life. Not even for the kids’ sake. I feel that slowly my disappointment turned into anger and bitterness toward him and there is no going back. I've gone to therapy for several months now and gotten over most of my depression with help. Found a new hobby that I really enjoy, started exercising, going out more with friends, etc.

 

I told DH that I want to give us one more chance by going to therapy together because that would force us to talk and listen to each other and get a clearer picture of how we both feel. I told him to set it up for whatever time worked for him and I will figure out the arrangement for the kids. He agreed that it was a good idea and decided that he would go to the first session alone to get familiar with the process. That was 3 weeks ago... Am I being too impatient? I feel like if he really wants to save the marriage, he should have already called and made arrangements. He is a procrastinator by nature, but I just don't feel like he is really trying or that the marriage is any kind of priority...

 

Any thoughts or comments?!

[TaraMaiden]

Look, you know the relationship better than any of us...

 

But I'm just wondering how many more 'lines in the sand' that he's hitherto stepped over, there are going to be, before you realise your feet are wet, and you risk drowning in apathy?

 

he procrastinates - because you've let him.

 

You tried to call his bluff - it didn't work.

you tried to put the ball in his court - it didn't work.

 

What will work?

 

Putting your money where your mouth is - will work.

In one of two ways.

 

He will either be brought up smartish and realise he risks losing you, so he will make an effort now (pointless and non-productive now, sadly)

 

or you will get d divorce.

 

But - I hate to say it - you've dragged your feet a fair bit too. You've really not done much to bring this to any conclusion, have you?

 

It sounds as if you've been a participant in a Mexican wave.... here we go.....here we go..... here we go... Hup!

 

and rest.

 

Oh, here we go again... here we go.....here we go..... here we go....... Hup!

 

and rest.

 

You come up with points of discussion, points to get something going - and then, you kinda seem to wilt on the relationship front.

 

This sounds like a toxic habit that needs breaking.

I suggest seeing a lawyer and presenting your H with the paperwork.

 

How does that sound?

[aMguilts]

Hi All! My first post here... I'm 36, I've been married 14 years, and we have 2 young daughters. After our second DD was born, things were starting to get tough. My DH is a teacher and a coach with long hours at school. There are days sometimes when I don't even see him; he comes home when I'm already in bed and leaves before I get up at 5. We both work and I've went to work part time just to make the dropping off and picking up the kids doable (I usually do both). In the past 2 years, I felt like with the added responsibility of the second child, there hasn't been any cutting back/rearranging on his part to align with the family dynamics and gradually more and more of the responsibilities fell into my lap. I did the part time arrangement to be able to take more of the load, but things got very uneven. He would hardly have time for the kids and zero time for me. If we tried to do something together or talk, he would fall asleep mid way.

 

A year ago I started thinking about ending the marriage because I didn't feel like we were working as a team well together. I became depressed, lonely and confused and felt like I hit rock bottom. I told him that and he saw the change in me, but nothing really happened or changed. I got a marriage counseling CD set from the library and listened to all 8 CDs. I gave it to him as well in hopes of sitting down and having a good starting point for discussion. He listened to 1 CD and never really had any comments about it. So, that was that. I didn't want to nag him, maybe I should have pushed a bit harder for conversation.

 

I finally about 6 months ago, I had enough of everything staying the same. I've been slowly hinting about wanting a divorce, even told him that I looked at apartments to move into. Not much reaction on his part besides saying that he wants to work on the marriage, but neither of us really took the time to sit down and talk or really work on it; partially maybe because we didn't really know how. I felt like any effort on my part was either ignored or just put on the back burner to talk about it later, which usually never comes. I started to feel discouraged about all my efforts.

 

Now I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore or that I could make this marriage work for the rest of my life. Not even for the kids’ sake. I feel that slowly my disappointment turned into anger and bitterness toward him and there is no going back. I've gone to therapy for several months now and gotten over most of my depression with help. Found a new hobby that I really enjoy, started exercising, going out more with friends, etc.

 

I told DH that I want to give us one more chance by going to therapy together because that would force us to talk and listen to each other and get a clearer picture of how we both feel. I told him to set it up for whatever time worked for him and I will figure out the arrangement for the kids. He agreed that it was a good idea and decided that he would go to the first session alone to get familiar with the process. That was 3 weeks ago... Am I being too impatient? I feel like if he really wants to save the marriage, he should have already called and made arrangements. He is a procrastinator by nature, but I just don't feel like he is really trying or that the marriage is any kind of priority...

 

Any thoughts or comments?!

 

hi Musubi

 

usually in marriage counselling you both go to the 1st session then the next 2 you go individually, the initial 1 so you can both assertain whether it will help or not.

if he`s procrastinating then maybe you should get the ball rolling and book an appointment for you both?

 

aM

[Cali408]

Here's your wakeup call. SNAP OUT OF IT. Work on making yourself happy. Be proactive and work on yourself. Communicate what you want out of him. If he procrastinates, call him on it, if he doesn't make time, call him on it.

[jf2good]

I don't think you are really trying to save your marriage and just looking for an excuse, saying well at least I did something but the husband did nothing. If his work hours are a problem he needs to give some of that up. He can give up coaching or something as teachers don't spend that many hours at school, even if they work extra hours most of that work can be done at home.

[Musubi]

Update: Husband finally went to counseling and we had a long talk last night. Talked about changes he wants to make and things he needs me to work on. After 2 years, he finally wants to give it 100%. The thing is, I don't think I can give it 100% any more. I'm emotionally drained and still can't get over my anger, resentment, lack of trust, and lack of respect for him. I want to try, but I can't find any sign of love to even have the will to begin. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling.

 

Not sure how to proceed... I don't want to string him along with false hope, yet I don't want to take away his chance of working on the marriage.

 

Has anyone ever been there?

[MsOptimist]

Update: Husband finally went to counseling and we had a long talk last night. Talked about changes he wants to make and things he needs me to work on. After 2 years, he finally wants to give it 100%. The thing is, I don't think I can give it 100% any more. I'm emotionally drained and still can't get over my anger, resentment, lack of trust, and lack of respect for him. I want to try, but I can't find any sign of love to even have the will to begin. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling.

 

Not sure how to proceed... I don't want to string him along with false hope, yet I don't want to take away his chance of working on the marriage.

 

Has anyone ever been there?

 

Maybe you should also begin individual counseling in order to work through your anger and resentment? I don't think there will be instant changes for either one of you, it's a process and takes awhile to relearn how to communicate and not fall into the same patterns.

[Musubi]

I've been going to individual counseling for months now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi All! My first post here... I'm 36, I've been married 14 years, and we have 2 young daughters. After our second DD was born, things were starting to get tough. My DH is a teacher and a coach with long hours at school. There are days sometimes when I don't even see him; he comes home when I'm already in bed and leaves before I get up at 5.

Is he coaching because he wants to or because you need the extra money? Sounds like an exhausting schedule for both of you but, knowing what a teacher makes, I'm not sure how you support a family and plan for the future on that salary and your part-time income

After 2 years, he finally wants to give it 100%. The thing is, I don't think I can give it 100% any more. I'm emotionally drained and still can't get over my anger, resentment, lack of trust, and lack of respect for him. I want to try, but I can't find any sign of love to even have the will to begin. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling.

 

Not sure how to proceed... I don't want to string him along with false hope, yet I don't want to take away his chance of working on the marriage.

So you've pushed him to grow and change. And now that he's doing what you've said you want, it's not what you want? Feels like there's another agenda of some kind at work here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aMguilts]

Update: Husband finally went to counseling and we had a long talk last night. Talked about changes he wants to make and things he needs me to work on. After 2 years, he finally wants to give it 100%. The thing is, I don't think I can give it 100% any more. I'm emotionally drained and still can't get over my anger, resentment, lack of trust, and lack of respect for him. I want to try, but I can't find any sign of love to even have the will to begin. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling.

 

Not sure how to proceed... I don't want to string him along with false hope, yet I don't want to take away his chance of working on the marriage.

 

Has anyone ever been there?

 

hi Musubi

 

yes i`ve been there...many many times:rolleyes:

 

how do you proceed?

 

very very slowly

its not going to happen overnight and may take many months

 

Have you told him what you have told us?

if not, then you should.

 

of course you are emotionally drained and still can't get over your anger, resentment, lack of trust, and lack of respect for him

what you`ve been through, is going to take a while to get over

both of you keep the councelling up, and be TRULEY honest with each other at all times

You both loved each other once, there`s absolutely no reason why you cant again

you both just need to find it again

 

 

good luck

 

aM

[Musubi]

Mr. Lucky -

 

He is coaching because he wants to and likes the closer, more personal interaction with the kids. It's not that much extra money. I work a professional part time job in IT and make almost as much as he does with his full time job. We never had financial issues. That's the one thing, we don't fight over. We are both quite frugal and like to save as much as we can.

 

I still want to try and work things out, but I'm not sure I want back what we had. Looking back it seemed to have been lacking quite a few things that I compromised on and let go as not important. But I'm learning that the little things do matter. Maturing has changed my view on many things and I don't find us that compatible anymore.

 

Partially, I don't really believe he can change or he is really changing because he wants to and not just for me. If he could cut back his work hours, I feel like he would have done it by now in the past 15 years of his career. And I know people think that teachers don't work that many hours, but he does. Insanely so to the point that other teachers are telling him to go home.

 

 

aM -

 

Yes, I've always been very direct with him. I told him exactly how I felt last night. No sugar coating. He knows where I stand.

[aMguilts]

its good thinking that you dont want back `what you had`

 

it NEEDS to be different now

it HAS to be different now

 

and if he is changing i hope he is doing it for himself, and not for you or the marriage

 

can i ask? Is his long hours a part of the problem?

 

aM

[Mr. Lucky]

Partially, I don't really believe he can change or he is really changing because he wants to and not just for me. If he could cut back his work hours, I feel like he would have done it by now in the past 15 years of his career. And I know people think that teachers don't work that many hours, but he does. Insanely so to the point that other teachers are telling him to go home.

I know what you're talking about, my wife was one of those 110% teachers for years. And we had a few arguments over doing it for the kids vs our kids being ignored. So I get where you're coming from...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JD1977]

It sounds like your marriage needs a little CPR! If he is gone working as much as you say, he is also working hard. I know you need more help at home, but some men tend to see working outside the house as their way of taking care of their family and providing. (By no means am I saying that should void his responsibilities at home) But if this marriage is worth saving and it sounds like it could be, then take the bull by the horns! When you felt depressed, you did what was necessary to get yourself back on top, do the same for your marriage. Make the counseling appointments for you guys and try to get back what you had. Men (in general) are not thrilled with the idea if going to counseling. But that doesn't mean he won't get in there and fight for you guys when it counts! Let us know how it goes!

[Musubi]

It's not just the long hours, it's how little quality time we spend with each other. But they kind of go hand in hand, in my opinion. I don't really feel the connection between us. He is just too exhausted to even want to do anything most days. And I'm not saying, spend hours with me! Just a little quality time, affection or acknowledgement goes a long way. The little things that we take for granted and stop doing that seem to make quite a big impact in the long run.

 

And hours at work are a big issue, but there are other issues that we need to work on, like we are not very compatible sexually and it's been 3 years! Yikes.

 

MC is definitely the next step and then go from there...

[aMguilts]

It's not just the long hours, it's how little quality time we spend with each other. But they kind of go hand in hand, in my opinion. I don't really feel the connection between us. He is just too exhausted to even want to do anything most days. And I'm not saying, spend hours with me! Just a little quality time, affection or acknowledgement goes a long way. The little things that we take for granted and stop doing that seem to make quite a big impact in the long run.

 

And hours at work are a big issue, but there are other issues that we need to work on, like we are not very compatible sexually and it's been 3 years! Yikes.

 

MC is definitely the next step and then go from there...

 

Mc is the next step

good for you ,

it will give you both a unbiased point of view with which you can both work on

the fact you are at least willing to work on your marriage is really heart lifting to me:)

 

keep posting and best wishes

 

aM

[Musubi]

First MC session was last week. Prior to MC, we tried talking just the 2 of us and that didn't go so well. MC was good. We are talking about where we are and how we want to move forward. He is trying to work on some of the issues I've raised, although, I don't really see much improvement. School is out, so it's a false sense of reality of how much he spends at home, which is understandably more than when school was in session. Although while I'm at work, he is at school packing and organizing while kids are at summer camp and preschool all day... Having him home and helping out more is definitely nice. Too bad it only lasts for 2 months out of the year!

 

Some of the things mentioned in MC by him were things like how he wants me to relate to him (listen more, be more attentive...). Some of them I can do with effort, some are more like how I should be feeling. Well, the feelings are not there, so I feel like I would just be faking it. I think the time to fake things are over, but maybe I'm wrong. Does the fake it till you make it applies to marriage as well?!?

[Musubi]

Well, it's been a month since my last post and things are not going well. Actually, nothing is really changing or improving... Just uncomfortable co-habitation. He says he wants to talk, but he is too scared to initiate conversation or I have no idea what's going on. We talked a few times, gone on a few dates, gone to therapy sessions together, but my feelings are not changing to the warmer towards him. And he is really not stepping up to the plate to make things better either.

 

So, last week, I told him that I want out of the marriage. He agreed to talk about it... a week later (last night) we finally sat down to talk. He pretty much told me that he wants to keep working on the marriage, but I don't have any energy left in me. So, now what? He just absolutely doesn't want to acknowledge that it's over.

[dallet66]

I hear my voice in your words so to speak. I've totally been there, still am there, technically, since I'm not fully divorced yet. What I recognize in all your posts is what I concluded for myself. Your done, you were done the first time you posted here, and who knows how long before that. You want to feel like you made the appropriate steps to show you "did all you could". But your hearts not in it. You don't want to be married to him anymore, and in my book, that's ok. Be honest with yourself. I don't know you, of course, but I read between the lines. MC isn't going to work when you know you don't really want to be married anymore. Look inside yourself and be honest. It's ok, you don't have to feel bad about just being done.

[NHStrider]

Musibi,

 

I think yours is a very sad but common situation. I’ve been in your husband’s shoes. Although in my situation, I think I was held to standards that were impossible to meet especially because my ex-wife never communicated them to me. But that’s a story for another time.

 

It sounds like you worked hard to communicate early but you acknowledge that you could have pushed a bit harder for conversation as time passed. It’s the trap so many of us fall into in.

 

I’ve come to believe that every married person, man or woman, pass through cycles in the course of a marriage. Most of the time we’re invested 100% in everything it takes to make the marriage work and other times, not so much. Our energy level or attention span can be affected by the stresses of daily life. Things like career stress or family illnesses can zap one or both spouses. Nobody can be at 100% all of the time.

 

The only thing that stands a chance of getting us through the times when one is at 100% and the other is at 75% is open, honest and direct communication. That’s only the starting point; communication is about listening too. If the listener doesn’t take the time to hear or the speaker doesn’t express realistic and clear expectations it isn’t going to work.

 

I think marriages that dissolve because of infidelity or abuse are tragic but I find it sad when they end because of apathy. They’re the ones that had some potential for saving if only both spouses paid attention and continued to work.

 

As you’ve expressed , from what I’ve experienced personally and from what I’ve read here there comes a time when it’s too late. I’m convinced my wife gave up before the discussion of ending the marriage even started. I spent a year trying very hard to do everything I could to save it but it was too late. That year was the most confusing time in my life. I could do no right in her eyes. If I held too tight I was smothering her, if I gave her space I thought she was looking for then I clearly didn’t care enough.

 

I’m truly sorry for you if you feel there nothing left to save. I feel bad that he didn’t hear you early enough and that maybe you gave up pushing him to listen. However, if you have no energy left then it’s time to leave. Don’t drag it on unnecessarily if it’s too late. Only you know if this is true.