I Don't Understand The Need For Constant Togetherness

[january2011]

Not everyone wants to get married or live together -- especially as you get older. I am entirely up front about this in my relationships.

 

 

 

Yeah, in my experience, too. That's why I'm completely up front about it from the beginning. I don't want to lead anyone on who wants that.

 

 

 

I've told him this is how I feel. He's sticking around. I dunno.

 

How old are you? That might be relevant to the thread. I suspected that you might be in your 20s and thus answered accordingly.

 

From experience, a lot of people who have "been there done that" or built a lifetime spanning decades of being independent and single do prefer to maintain that lifestyle or its benefits, I agree.

 

I suspect that your boyfriend is deluding himself and hoping to change your mind or his goals are indeed compatible with yours. Only time will tell.

[man_in_the_box]

Why don't you just ask him to leave you alone for some periods of time periodically? Could be a couple of hours, a day, an evening, whatever you think is necessary. If you don't realize that you NEED this its going to pile up unresolved resentment for whatever is taking your space away: your boyfriend. And that is not a pretty perspective.

[KungFuJoe]

Do any of you people who can't stand being with someone 24/7 have/had a best friend who you could hang out with all day and all night every day and have fun? I had a best friend like that all through highschool and up until just recently. I don't speak to him anymore because he ended up getting all weird...but on a purely interaction level, we got along great. Same sense of humor, same likes (both played basketball in high school), all mutual friends, etc.

 

I'm the same way with my wife of 10 years (together 13). We both work from home and literally are together 24/7 except for rare occasions when one of us goes out and the other watches the kids (which is rare because we have babysitting on tap). And we can't get enough of each other. It may sound sappy but I miss her when she runs to the store for something real quick...and she misses me if I have to leave for any reason. When we do go out separately, we think about each other and even text each other saying we miss each other and how cool it would be if he/she could have come.

 

Yeah, yeah...sappy, shmappy...I know. What I'm saying is...unless you TRULY are a hermit without the capacity to form a bonding relationship with ANYONE, if you find yourself with someone who you can't stand to be with 24/7...I would dare to say you just aren't with the right person.

[KraftDinner]

What this all relates to is your attachment styles. OP, you have a really different attachment style than your bf has.

 

This isn't, in my mind, an aspect of a relationship. This IS the relationship.

 

When my ex didn't want me around, I knew it and left. But what it felt like was a fair-weather relationship. I'm okay to have around when he feels like it. When he doesn't, he has no interest in me. I internalized this so much. It really made me feel like crap!

 

I felt like a burden.

[miss_jaclynrae]

My current boyfriend and I have been inseparable since we first met.

 

Based on his want and my own.

It was natural and if either of us felt like some alone time was needed we just verbalized it. It was never personal and we both respected it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people just cant catch hints. Lol

[Kamille]

Do any of you people who can't stand being with someone 24/7 have/had a best friend who you could hang out with all day and all night every day and have fun? I had a best friend like that all through highschool and up until just recently. I don't speak to him anymore because he ended up getting all weird...but on a purely interaction level, we got along great. Same sense of humor, same likes (both played basketball in high school), all mutual friends, etc.

 

I'm the same way with my wife of 10 years (together 13). We both work from home and literally are together 24/7 except for rare occasions when one of us goes out and the other watches the kids (which is rare because we have babysitting on tap). And we can't get enough of each other. It may sound sappy but I miss her when she runs to the store for something real quick...and she misses me if I have to leave for any reason. When we do go out separately, we think about each other and even text each other saying we miss each other and how cool it would be if he/she could have come.

 

Yeah, yeah...sappy, shmappy...I know. What I'm saying is...unless you TRULY are a hermit without the capacity to form a bonding relationship with ANYONE, if you find yourself with someone who you can't stand to be with 24/7...I would dare to say you just aren't with the right person.

 

To answer the first question: no I have never had a best friend who I can be around 24/7. Actually, my best friend, my family, everyone in my life know and respect that I need time alone. Or else I get grumpy. It really isn't a big deal. It is part of who I am. And yes, I do bond with people.

 

So, no, I don't believe it's matter of not "having found the right person". The right person will know and understand that I need time alone. It really is that simple.

[soccerrprp]

I've learned from re-entering the dating scene that I REALLY need my ME time. I am single father of two and ME time is rare enough, but I do cherish the time that I get to myself or simply away from feeling wholly obligated to my SO, 24/7, etc.

 

Mind you, this doesn't play well with the ladies who need more contact time, but I simply cannot, at this point, give up my ME time too often.

 

The truth of the matter is that I tend to burn out quicker if I spend TOO much time with a SO. Not burn out from the relationship, but a stronger yearning for ME time ensues. I kind of burn out from the attention/contact from the SO and need to get away to relax, replenish...This is certainly one reason why I am not in a LTR right now. I'm working on it...

[Els]

Not everyone wants to get married or live together -- especially as you get older. I am entirely up front about this in my relationships.

 

Hmm. I admit I've not known too many couples who didn't want to at least live together eventually (even if they could only live together in a huge house where each of them has lots of personal space). I think it would be fairly easy in this day and age to find someone who doesn't ever want to have kids, and quite possible (though not so easy) to find someone who doesn't believe in marriage. But not even living together, ever? What do you imagine would happen as you grow old together (not saying you need to, but you've stated this as one of your relationship goals) - would you both be living in different houses but just meeting up for coffee daily or something?

 

I've told him this is how I feel. He's sticking around. I dunno.

 

If he's genuinely fine with it, then I don't see why you can't also be perfectly honest and tell him that you're not comfortable with him hanging around your house so much. It wouldn't be a huge surprise to him, I don't think, since you've already told him about what you want and don't want in a relationship. It would only make sense.

[Els]

I am EXTREMELY introverted, as is my fiance...but we want to be together all the time when neither of us is working.

 

I get totally drained of energy in social situations. Exhausted. But this just doesn't happen when I'm with him. My relationship with him is nothing like my relationships with friends, family, coworkers...it's a completely different dynamic. I'd rather do whatever it is I have to do, whether it be solitary stuff like painting my nails or reading or watching a movie, with him near me.

 

Yeah, IMO it's a huge misrepresentation of introverts to say that introverts don't want to spend time with ANYone. Most of the time, introverts are perfectly happy interacting with people within their 'safe zone' of a few trusted people, and it's big social gatherings or interaction with lesser-known people that drains them.

 

Obviously, there's such a thing as being overly needy, for instance not even wanting one's partner to leave the house for a couple hours a week to meet a friend, but I don't think that's related to introversion or extraversion.

[TouchedByViolet]

I am introverted and definitely enjoy my me time. Growing up I often enjoyed my own company to others, and in combination with my social awkwardness I am generally happier alone. When I have had a GF I never felt glued to them and most definitely didn't want to see them 24/7.

 

I think introverts are less likely to want to spend time with someone 24/7. I can only speak for myself though.

[serial muse]

Yeah, IMO it's a huge misrepresentation of introverts to say that introverts don't want to spend time with ANYone. Most of the time, introverts are perfectly happy interacting with people within their 'safe zone' of a few trusted people, and it's big social gatherings or interaction with lesser-known people that drains them.

 

Obviously, there's such a thing as being overly needy, for instance not even wanting one's partner to leave the house for a couple hours a week to meet a friend, but I don't think that's related to introversion or extraversion.

 

Totally agree.

 

clia, you remind me a bit of my H. Before me, he had never lived with anyone, and needs a LOT of alone time. As it happens, I am generally OK with alone time too, so you'd think we could work that out. However. When we first started dating, he couldn't articulate this though, and this thing would happen where we'd have this great time together until he suddenly got quiet and withdrawn, and that would make me insecure, and then it would be a thing because it felt personal, because he was secretly resenting my presence rather than saying flat-out "I love having you here but after a little while I need to be able to go off and do XX alone". Or whatever. Over time, as we came to understand one another better, we've worked this out and it's totally fine now. The most important thing, from my perspective, was erasing the resentment-insecurity cycle. Deceptively simple.

 

I know you said you've talked about this with him. But he's obviously coming from a different frame of reference, so as Kamille said upthread, you say to him "I need alone time" and he might take that to mean "OK, cool, I'll just hang out and watch TV while you do your thing." In other words, perhaps you need to be more specific about what you want. You sound exasperated with him in your OP, but you're the one who isn't articulating clearly what your needs are, it sounds like. Don't fall into the trap of resenting him for being a different person! Just tell him clearly that you love spending time with him, but come Sunday morning (or whatever), you want to be alone in your house to regroup. And that means alone, not aware that he's sitting there on the couch.

 

If he's OK with the reality as much as the theory of you needing alone time, then it's all good.

[dasein]

Not really. I just think it's weird that he wants to be at my house all the time on the weekends.

 

I was thinking about this thread last night. Have you ever considered that he is using your place as a convenient procrastination device? That if he goes home, things in the environment there will remind him of work he is putting off? I am extremely guilty of this, and have been in past relationships. There is nothing at -her- place to remind me of the 100s of things on my todo list, allowing my slack ass to avoid reality under the auspices of "giving my GF much needed facetime." If this is a possibility, getting him "busy" around your place may turn the trick.

 

"I am so glad you are here honey because there is a -neverending- stack of things I never get to that you can help me with."

 

"Hey I just remembered, there's a conference call I have to have notes for, will call you later, love ya! Bye!"

 

Just a thought.

[clia]

I started this thread in the hopes of trying to understand where he is coming from. It is completely foreign to me, this idea that it is comfortable and enjoyable to spend 24/7 with another person. I'm in no way trying to insinuate that all introverts are the same; however, I do know from reading this thread and some of the other reading I've done over the years and recently that I'm not alone in wanting solitude, and I accept that I probably want and need more than the average person.

 

I know he wants to be around me so much because he loves me, which makes this all more difficult. I love him, too. I'm just trying to figure out the medium -- maybe in the end this will break us up; I'm not willing to give up just yet. To me, the 101 other ways we are compatible makes this worth trying to work out. And to be clear, I don't think he's overly needy or anything. I also don't have any problem traveling with him. I just have to figure out how find a solution where we are both happy. Right now he is happy; I am struggling.

 

I don't agree at all that it is a product of me not having met the right person, or me not being that into him. I've gone over that in my mind extensively and considered my past and current relationships. I have a number of close friends, some who I've known for 20-30 years, and I wouldn't want to be with any of them 24/7 either. It's just how I am. I have friends who are with their significant others all the time and do everything together and I've always been amazed by it. I just don't get it! It's not me. It's never been me. I applaud those of you who want that and have found your person for that; but I don't want that type of relationship. This doesn't mean you're right and I'm wrong; it just means we are different.

 

The truth of the matter is that I tend to burn out quicker if I spend TOO much time with a SO. Not burn out from the relationship, but a stronger yearning for ME time ensues.

 

Yes, this. That's why I tend to feel this at the end of 24 hours plus with him nonstop. If I just spend an evening with him, I'm fine.

 

But not even living together, ever? What do you imagine would happen as you grow old together (not saying you need to, but you've stated this as one of your relationship goals) - would you both be living in different houses but just meeting up for coffee daily or something?

 

I don't even need to see him daily; three or four times a week is fine. And yes, I'd see us maintaining separate residences, but spending a couple/few nights a week together, and spending time together otherwise. After I retire someday, I may change my mind about living together. Who knows? But for now, I know how I feel and I don't want to mislead anyone. Right now I don't think I want that.

 

What this all relates to is your attachment styles. OP, you have a really different attachment style than your bf has.

 

This isn't, in my mind, an aspect of a relationship. This IS the relationship.

 

I don't agree. Our relaionship is a lot more than our attachment styles.

 

How old are you? That might be relevant to the thread. I suspected that you might be in your 20s and thus answered accordingly.

 

From experience, a lot of people who have "been there done that" or built a lifetime spanning decades of being independent and single do prefer to maintain that lifestyle or its benefits, I agree.

 

I suspect that your boyfriend is deluding himself and hoping to change your mind or his goals are indeed compatible with yours. Only time will tell.

 

I'm 38; I've really never wanted to get married, though, even when I was in my 20s. My view has only gotten stronger on that front as I've gotten older. He may be deluding himself -- it wouldn't be the first time that has happened. The typical male reaction is "Awesome! She doesn't want to live together or get married!" Then as the months start to tick by, next thing I know they start bringing up living together or marriage and I'm like...um...remember what I've said and have been saying? But all I can really do is be honest, which I always am. If they don't want to listen or want to try to change my mind, that's not on me.

 

I know you said you've talked about this with him. But he's obviously coming from a different frame of reference, so as Kamille said upthread, you say to him "I need alone time" and he might take that to mean "OK, cool, I'll just hang out and watch TV while you do your thing." In other words, perhaps you need to be more specific about what you want. You sound exasperated with him in your OP, but you're the one who isn't articulating clearly what your needs are, it sounds like. Don't fall into the trap of resenting him for being a different person! Just tell him clearly that you love spending time with him, but come Sunday morning (or whatever), you want to be alone in your house to regroup. And that means alone, not aware that he's sitting there on the couch.

 

I've articulated it many different ways and feel like I've been really direct with him. From "I need alone time, you need to leave" to "It's time for you to go now" to "I just want to run by myself today" to "I need to be alone tonight," etc. My frustration is really coming from the fact that I have to keep telling him it's time to leave. It makes me feel like I am rejecting him and I don't like feeling that way. Although he expresses that he understands my need to be alone, and he leaves without a problem when I tell him to, having to repeat this over and over again is what is really frustrating me. I want him, as he's sitting there on my couch, to proactively say, without my intervention "I'm going to leave now." He's never done this! I don't at all resent him for being different or wanting to stay; the resentment is starting because I have to keep telling him to leave. Does that make sense?

 

But yeah, I am just going to have to be even more direct, I guess. I don't know what else to do! Communication is key. I just feel like I've been communicating it to him, and he seems to understand it, but his actions aren't reflecting his understanding of my situation.

 

I was thinking about this thread last night. Have you ever considered that he is using your place as a convenient procrastination device?

 

This is another possibility! He doesn't get much work done when he's at my place.

[serial muse]

I've articulated it many different ways and feel like I've been really direct with him. From "I need alone time, you need to leave" to "It's time for you to go now" to "I just want to run by myself today" to "I need to be alone tonight," etc. My frustration is really coming from the fact that I have to keep telling him it's time to leave. It makes me feel like I am rejecting him and I don't like feeling that way. Although he expresses that he understands my need to be alone, and he leaves without a problem when I tell him to, having to repeat this over and over again is what is really frustrating me. I want him, as he's sitting there on my couch, to proactively say, without my intervention "I'm going to leave now." He's never done this! I don't at all resent him for being different or wanting to stay; the resentment is starting because I have to keep telling him to leave. Does that make sense?

 

But yeah, I am just going to have to be even more direct, I guess. I don't know what else to do! Communication is key. I just feel like I've been communicating it to him, and he seems to understand it, but his actions aren't reflecting his understanding of my situation.

 

Yes, I understand why you'd feel that way - but what you're essentially asking him to do is take on that responsibility for you. I'm not sure I think that's fair. You are the one that needs that time. He leaves without complaint - that actually seems like a fair compromise, to me.

 

But. OK, I get that you feel like you've said it to him a hundred times, and that on a case-by-case basis you can say "I need you to leave now" (which...ouch, strikes me as kind of harsh, so kudos to him for not taking that personally). But have you had the conversation where you say, "look, I can't spend more than 24 hours with you -- or ANYONE -- without getting itchy and anxious. I know you don't feel that way, but I do. And I hate always having to ask you to leave. So can we just make it standard for us that after spending one day together, I get to spend the entire next day entirely alone?" I mean, why not tell him what you've told us - you want him to assume that you need to be alone, and to leave voluntarily.

 

I wanted to add...to your other question, about wanting to understand why he'd need constant togetherness...honestly, it doesn't sound like he does want that, so I'm not sure that having anyone here speak to that would be helpful in your situation. He just doesn't get the itch that you do, the compulsive need for complete solitude. Maybe you could talk to him more about what that's like for you? Perhaps if he has the opportunity to empathize he'll be more likely to make the assumptions you're hoping he will make.

Edited March 19, 2013 by serial muse

[AlexDP]

Yet I bet you'd be afraid to talk to people in real life the way you talk to people on here, probably not with women though, but with men I bet you would be.

 

Anyway, I'm not afraid to leave my house, and as for being afraid to drive a car, it depends on where I'm driving.

 

I am trying to work on those issues, but that doesn't mean that I have zero time for anything else, even a complete idiot can understand that.

 

You've got issues you need to deal with as well. I'd much rather have the issues that I've got than the issues you have.

 

No, you wouldn't, trust me.

 

Afraid to talk to people in real life? I'm a lawyer, Ross.

[NeoGen85]

So I guess he doesn't fully understand your definition of solitude. You know that one saying, I'm keeping it real? It shouldn't be a understood concept. That's what you need to do; break it down to him. I'd even show him this thread you made. You're going to hurt his feelings anyway.

 

I've seen the girlfriend of my best friend make him cry by calling him a little B@#$% because he messed up her birthday by inviting people she dislike. He won't be doing that again.