I Don't Understand The Need For Constant Togetherness

[oldschool1]

I don't think it's strange that your boyfriend wants to hang out a lot. Assuming that you don't see each other during the week, this doesn't sound like excessive togetherness. However, I find it odd that he can't take a hint after multiple conversations and comments. Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but what else does he have going on in his social life? Does his life revolve around you? Does he live in a place that he hates (or with someone he doesn't get along? Is he freakishly dense?

 

Going over to his place is an excellent idea. Even though you prefer your pad, it would give you the freedom to come and go as you please. Furthermore, it would be an equalizer for your relationship---perhaps you would get a window into HIS world, house cleaning, and whatever else.

 

One last question: does your boyfriend know that you're not pro-marriage? He might have different aspirations here, so a conversation might be in order.

[Els]

I've never met a person in my entire life that I wanted to be with 24/7, so I'm don't think it's a chemistry or "I'm not that into him" type of issue. I do enjoy our time together, as I said. I just don't need to spend as much time with him as he seems to want to spend with me, especially when we aren't doing anything in particular.

 

I've not said you aren't into him. I've said that you either have incompatible needs, or he is in a different stage of the relationship from you.

 

Why don't I want him there when I clean the kitchen? Because....why? I don't get why he wants to be there when I am doing those types of things. It makes no sense to me. That's actually what this entire post is about. I was looking for perspectives to try to see his side of things and to understand why he wants all this togetherness. I don't get it. I'm not that kind of person. I guess maybe he does just want to be around for both the mundane and the fun. I just don't understand it. If I were him, I'd rather go home and workout or read a book or something.

 

Well... have you ever lived with someone before?

 

You're 'together' 24/7 because you technically live in the same house, but at the same time you're not really. If one person is doing the dishes while the other person is watching TV, you're not really doing things together.

 

Now, it is entirely understandable if this freaks you out because you're just not at that stage of the R yet. You want to date while he might be wanting to transition towards a semi-cohabitating sort of R, where you spend a stretch of a few days at each others' house and life goes on as usual. In that case, as tbf says, it's about managing expectations.

 

You say you've talked to him about it, what does HE say? We can't really tell you more than he can. I don't want to literally spend 24/7 with my partner but that's because I don't see doing separate activities in the same house as being together 24/7.

Edited March 6, 2013 by Elswyth

[soccerrprp]

Man, I can relate to many of you!

 

The need to be with my GF is not as strong as her need to be with me. Being single has allowed me the opportunity to become much more emotionally, and physically independent and ME time is very important to me. I've expressed as much to my current GF and so far so good, but know that she would like to spend more time.

 

We both have children and I try to spend as much quality time with my own w/o anyone else involved. We (gf and I) only really get to see each other during the weekends for any appreciable time as we both work and can't get together during the week days, but I am grateful for that. Until I am convinced that she or someone is "the one," I prefer as much ME time as possible.

 

BTW, it's especially acute for me considering that I am a single-parent and ME time is RARE. So you can imagine how more more important it is for me to not spend TOO much time with my GF.

[AlexDP]

Don't let him come over? It'll mean more driving for you, but it could work.

 

Or just tell him, "OK, I'm going to go do xyz now," and hand him his coat or car keys. And let him know that you need time to yourself so you don't kill those closest to you.

 

I'm like you. Thankfully my boyfriend is totally fine either way. He likes spending time with me, but he totally gets it when I say I want to do my own thing for a day, and vice versa.

 

I'm very much like her and my girlfriend, sometimes, is a bit like her boyfriend. If I were to tell her not to come over, she'd be upset and feel rejected. If she's not really doing anything, he'll have a hard time understanding why he can't come over.

[clia]

Thanks for all the input.

 

I shudder to think what marriage would be like and it all feels like a burden to me. I am about 10000000% happier when I am single and doing my own thing.

 

You sound just like me! I love being single, but...there are some nice things about being in a relationship. It's tough to find the right balance and the right person that works.

 

It's a matter of expectation management.

 

I've been telling him this stuff since Day 1, so it's not like I'm suddenly changing on him. I will admit that during the honeymoon stage I might have encouraged these long weekends together a bit more than I am comfortable with currently. But, I have explained that to him since.

 

However, I find it odd that he can't take a hint after multiple conversations and comments. Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but what else does he have going on in his social life? Does his life revolve around you? Does he live in a place that he hates (or with someone he doesn't get along? Is he freakishly dense?

 

Yeah, this is what I find odd also. He has a lot of friends, but he puts me first, and tends to want me to join him socially when he goes out with his friends. I just think he kind of loses track of time and doesn't really realize that he's been hanging out as long as he has. I think I just need to be more direct when it's time for him to go.

 

Well... have you ever lived with someone before?

 

No, I haven't. He has -- that may be part of the problem. I do see how it would be different if you are living together, since you would obviously have to go do your own thing at some point. But, we aren't living together...so, I don't know.

 

I've given it some thought since reading your posts yesterday about what I want out of a relationship, and I really am in it for the fun side of things. I'm not really looking to "build a life" with someone, so to speak. I'm old enough that I have a life already -- I mainly just want companionship a few times a week and someone to travel with as I get older. So, I think that's why the thought of doing the mundane with someone isn't all that interesting to me and I don't understand it. I don't need an escort to the grocery store or to run my errands. (Before you jump all over me, I realize that relationships aren't all about "fun" and that tragedy could strike either one of us at any time. That's life, and I certainly wouldn't bolt on him if that did happen. He's a great person and I do love him.)

 

You say you've talked to him about it, what does HE say?

 

He claims to understand that I need my space. I don't know. Every time I think I've brought it to his attention again, the same damn thing happens. I was a lot more blunt over last weekend, so we'll see how he handles it this weekend. But, I think the answer is I just have to be very direct and tell him to leave from the getgo, rather than trying to gently nudge him in that direction like I've been doing.

 

One last question: does your boyfriend know that you're not pro-marriage?

 

I told him in the very beginning, and have expressed my genuine non-interest in marriage sporadically since. It's always a difficult topic because it feels a bit presumptuous to say "Hey, in case you were wondering, I don't want to get married."

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm very much like her and my girlfriend, sometimes, is a bit like her boyfriend. If I were to tell her not to come over, she'd be upset and feel rejected. If she's not really doing anything, he'll have a hard time understanding why he can't come over.

 

I reckon you've made your girlfriend up out of thin air.

 

That's it! You're lying!

[KatZee]

I'm the same way. When I was with my ex we did spend excessive amounts of time together. Literally almost every day for the first year. When we became a LDR I realized how much time I had to DO stuff and I didn't realize just how much my schedule revolved around seeing him. I had to plan when I washed my hair around seeing him!! It was always exhausting.

 

My next relationship is going to be much different. I enjoy my single life immensely right now. I like going out with the girls, having brunches, not worrying about drama. And I need days where I veg, and look like a homeless person with my sweat pants and Biore strips on.

 

Marriage to me makes me feel the same way you do. Trapped. In jail. Stuck. I hope I meet a person who's flexible and doesn't mind me doing my own thing.

[ltjg45]

While I do value the necessary time a couple spends with one another, I can also understand why one person (or both) needs alone time and space.

 

I don't understand why he doesn't. Does he play video games or have a social circle (seems harder to find these days)?

 

It's easy for me since all I need is my 3DS or Yugioh TCG to keep me occupied in the meantime. It's weird for him not to have a hobby.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe he is thinking it will transition into a living-together or marriage situation, and he's just easing into that?

 

After all, if you lived together, it would be perfectly ok to leave him sitting on your couch while you go run errands and get your hair cut, etc.

 

This.

 

Clia, I'm wondering what your long-term relationship goals are with your BF? Because in a LTR, his behavior seems pretty normal, and comfortable, to me. That it doesn't to you kinda smacks of... too much independence.

[carhill]

OP, in what way, if any, would you opine your 'togetherness style' has evolved since you penned this thread a little over a decade ago?

 

Reading your post brought to mind Andromeda, which, in the movie, existed and flourished in a very narrow range of pH. Your 'satisfaction' with regards to 'togetherness' appears to, if history and today have any relevance, exist in a narrow range of finite time and space. Either side of that narrow range and satisfaction plummets.

 

I think the healthiest 'understanding' comes from accepting that people are different. Some like being joined at the hip; some like major 'cave time'. Some exist in the middle somewhere. If there's synergy in one's style of 'togetherness', then compatibility regarding that aspect of the relationship is in place. If other, other. Reading your earlier posting, juxtaposed with this one, also indicates another aspect of the human condition; change. What's your viewpoint on that?

[clia]

This.

 

Clia, I'm wondering what your long-term relationship goals are with your BF? Because in a LTR, his behavior seems pretty normal, and comfortable, to me. That it doesn't to you kinda smacks of... too much independence.

 

I want a person to socialize with, travel with, and spend time with as I grow old. I do not want to live with someone (I don't think), get married, or have children. And yes, I have told him this. And yes, I am very independent.

 

I've been doing more reading on relationships between introverts and extroverts since I originally posted this, to try to find out why I am like this, and it was surprising to me how much I related to several of the blogs I found on being introverted and that need for alone time. He is an extrovert; personality wise we are polar opposites. I grow closer to him via time apart, whereas he seems to grow closer to me via time together. The balance is the struggle -- he needs to be happy and I need to be happy. When I go a couple of days without seeing him, I enjoy my time alone, and then I'm thrilled when I do see him. He gets sad when he doesn't see me for a couple of days and tries to pull me closer.

 

I've never dealt with a situation before where a boyfriend would come over to my house and stay and stay. (My previous relationships, my boyfriend would stay the night, but then he would take off after we ate breakfast or brunch usually to do his own thing, then we might get together later that evening.) My current boyfriend lives ten minutes away from me (three train stops), so it's also not a distance thing. He just does not seem to want to leave my house unless he has to go to work (Monday morning) or I kick him out the door.

 

I'm beginning to resent having to deal with this every weekend. I'm getting tired of feeling like I have to apologize for simply wanting some time to myself on the weekends, and I'm getting tired of having to tell him to leave. He leaves when I tell him to without problem, but it makes me feel crappy to have to do that. (To be fair, he doesn't seem to mind so I am probably creating some of this drama in my head.) I just don't get why he's being so daft about this, or why it never occurs to him to go do something without me for a few hours during the day on Saturday or Sunday. It's like his whole life revolves around me on the weekends.

 

Let's take this past weekend. I did not see him Friday night because I had a long week at work and needed some down time. I ran my errands on Saturday morning. He and I got together at around 2 p.m. on Saturday, hung out all afternoon, went out for the evening, he stayed the night, then we basically just hung out all day yesterday and he stayed the night again and left at 7 a.m. this morning. He never asked me if I minded if he hung around all day or stayed over again last night. I just caught up on my shows on the DVR for most of the day and let him sit there. (I'm trying to open myself up to this "togetherness.") But, is that really normal behavior? This is a guy who does have friends, a demanding job, and a life (and no, he doesn't play video games or have roommates). Am I really the weird one for wondering why he wants to be away from home nearly all weekend for no apparent reason?

 

Bottom line is I'm going to have to put a time limit on his visits. That sounds utterly ridiculous to me, but since he's not getting it no matter how many times I bring it up, I see no other option. Other than this, we are extremely compatible and have a great time together, so I'm really hoping I can find a happy medium.

[AlexDP]

I reckon you've made your girlfriend up out of thin air.

 

That's it! You're lying!

 

Ross.

 

You've got bigger issues to deal with.

 

You're afraid to leave your house, you're afraid to talk to your neighbors when they play loud music, you're afraid to drive a car and you're afraid to go get a job.

 

Surely you should focus on those things right now.

[clia]

OP, in what way, if any, would you opine your 'togetherness style' has evolved since you penned this thread a little over a decade ago?

 

What a blast from the past!

 

I actually don't think my "togetherness style" has changed that much. I've never needed constant communication or togetherness, even when I was younger. Seeing each other few times a week, a date on Saturday night is fine with me. The timing of that particular thread was at the beginning of the demise of that relationship. He had lost interest, hence the lack of communication and plans over a holiday weekend. I don't remember all the details, but it also seems like he had been traveling a lot for work, so hadn't seen much of each other to begin with. I mean, I'm not emotionless -- I do want to see my boyfriend from time to time! At any rate, I really don't find that post to be contradictory to my position now -- there has to be a balance somewhere between no communication and no time together versus "I have to kick you out of my house" every weekend.

 

he doesn't sound needy, but it does sound like he doesn't have other friends, or isn't really a busy person. He seems like a good guy, I would make him take up some hobbies, or classes of some sort.

 

Yeah, he does have friends and hobbies and stuff. That's what's so strange about his behavior. He wants me involved in all of that -- if he makes plans with his friends, he wants me to go along. If he goes for a run, he wants me to go along. Etc... I'm like, "Go by yourself, dude!"

[NeoGen85]

I honestly believe you're not really looking for a serious relationship or wanting to go in that direction. Not to mention it sounds like you and your boyfriend's idea of a relationship is currently not the same.

 

Hell. You might not even be that into him. Do you find yourself thinking about him a lot? And does that thought surround the idea of you two spending time together or how he just doesn't leave you alone? If the later is the case...I'd hate to be in his shoes.

 

I'm an introvert myself. I often have to recharge in my own company after spending time with a lot of people. But if the relationship is good my personal bubble isn't as noticeable. But I will admit..someone not having a life outside of just being with you is annoying. Especially when they start to put off other important things like family, friends, and even work.

 

If he were to ignore you for a long time or get a girl that wanted to spend every waking moment with him...would you care?

[dasein]

Generally the same as OP, but I try to accommodate the desire for more contact after a certain point because it's easy to do, and I can do my stuff around a GF. It's usually not a problem if she will behave and can find ways of entertaining herself at my place. Is your guy doing something that distracts or annoys you? Can't you do stuff in different parts of the house? Can you enlist his help in doing stuff? Get him to go outside and fix... whatever or wash your car? It just seems like the solution here is simple with some give and take. Or you could play music he doesn't like, that drives me right away like a strong cattle prod. moooo.

[NeoGen85]

Generally the same as OP, but I try to accommodate the desire for more contact after a certain point because it's easy to do, and I can do my stuff around a GF. It's usually not a problem if she will behave and can find ways of entertaining herself at my place. Is your guy doing something that distracts or annoys you? Can't you do stuff in different parts of the house? Can you enlist his help in doing stuff? Get him to go outside and fix... whatever or wash your car? It just seems like the solution here is simple with some give and take. Or you could play music he doesn't like, that drives me right away like a strong cattle prod. moooo.

 

HAHAHAHA. That music stuff does work.

[january2011]

I want a person to socialize with, travel with, and spend time with as I grow old. I do not want to live with someone (I don't think), get married, or have children.

 

I think you could do the italicised with close friends with whom you have no romantic interest - a boyfriend is probably more likely to want to do the bolded.

 

In my experience, the bolded would be big dealbreakers for a lot of people. But there are pockets of communities who champion the single life - perhaps it would be worth finding companionship from one of these groups rather than through a dating scenario.

 

As to your OP:

Can someone who wants a lot of togetherness time with their significant other explain it to me? I want to try to understand where he’s coming from.

 

I love him. I want to spend time with him. I love making memories with him and being around his energy when we are having fun and really happy.

 

I'm a former introvert turned extrovert. I've spent extended periods of time living on my own and in a partnered situation. While I do value my independence and downtime to recharge, I also value the shared life of being with someone who is there to witness it with me. I also value building a home and a family. Experiences are great, but they are better if you have people to share them with, especially someone special whom you love and who loves you back.

Edited March 18, 2013 by january2011

[KraftDinner]

I am EXTREMELY introverted, as is my fiance...but we want to be together all the time when neither of us is working.

 

I get totally drained of energy in social situations. Exhausted. But this just doesn't happen when I'm with him. My relationship with him is nothing like my relationships with friends, family, coworkers...it's a completely different dynamic. I'd rather do whatever it is I have to do, whether it be solitary stuff like painting my nails or reading or watching a movie, with him near me.

 

Even if we don't talk, just knowing he's nearby is a comfort. He makes me feel safe and taken care of and he's close by in case I think of something funny to share or need help with something.

 

But we aren't codependently clingy or anything.

 

My time with him is better than anything else! I personally don't know why anyone would want it any other way!

 

My ex is an extrovert. He needed to spend tons of time with a zillion other people. So our time together was limited to when he felt like spending time with me. Which frankly sucked for me.

[Ross MwcFan]

Ross.

 

You've got bigger issues to deal with.

 

You're afraid to leave your house, you're afraid to talk to your neighbors when they play loud music, you're afraid to drive a car and you're afraid to go get a job.

 

Surely you should focus on those things right now.

 

Yet I bet you'd be afraid to talk to people in real life the way you talk to people on here, probably not with women though, but with men I bet you would be.

 

Anyway, I'm not afraid to leave my house, and as for being afraid to drive a car, it depends on where I'm driving.

 

I am trying to work on those issues, but that doesn't mean that I have zero time for anything else, even a complete idiot can understand that.

 

You've got issues you need to deal with as well. I'd much rather have the issues that I've got than the issues you have.

[NeoGen85]

I am EXTREMELY introverted, as is my fiance...but we want to be together all the time when neither of us is working.

 

I get totally drained of energy in social situations. Exhausted. But this just doesn't happen when I'm with him. My relationship with him is nothing like my relationships with friends, family, coworkers...it's a completely different dynamic. I'd rather do whatever it is I have to do, whether it be solitary stuff like painting my nails or reading or watching a movie, with him near me.

 

Even if we don't talk, just knowing he's nearby is a comfort. He makes me feel safe and taken care of and he's close by in case I think of something funny to share or need help with something.

 

But we aren't codependently clingy or anything.

 

My time with him is better than anything else! I personally don't know why anyone would want it any other way!

 

My ex is an extrovert. He needed to spend tons of time with a zillion other people. So our time together was limited to when he felt like spending time with me. Which frankly sucked for me.

 

I agree. I think if you're real into someone being a extrovert or an introvert doesn't really matter.

[todreaminblue]

I am an intense person, i will spend as much tiem as a partner wants to spend with me, i dotn mind togetherness but then i can spend time alone quite happily, so to me it doesnt matter, i cant survive in a long distance relationship where it is weeks on end...i did for quite a number of years with my ex and it broke me.......literally broke me....... but he was cheating so cant really say if it was lack of trust and my insecurity........i never push a partner to spend more time with me than what he wants to spend with me.......i actually understand people not wanting to spend time with me........wish i could get away from me......but nah....i am stuck with me...so i never push...only accept unless it becomes me feeling unwanted then i have to go................deb

[clia]

I honestly believe you're not really looking for a serious relationship or wanting to go in that direction.

 

What do you mean by "serious"? I want a committed, long term relationship. I don't believe you have to get married or live with someone to have that.

 

Not to mention it sounds like you and your boyfriend's idea of a relationship is currently not the same.

 

Only as far as how much time we spend together consecutively.

 

Hell. You might not even be that into him. Do you find yourself thinking about him a lot?

 

I do. I adore him.

 

And does that thought surround the idea of you two spending time together or how he just doesn't leave you alone? If the later is the case...I'd hate to be in his shoes.

 

I love spending time with him; I just have a very hard time spending an entire weekend with him nonstop. That does not allow me the time I need to rejuvenate. If this makes me a weirdo, then so be it.

 

I'm an introvert myself. I often have to recharge in my own company after spending time with a lot of people. But if the relationship is good my personal bubble isn't as noticeable.

 

My bubble is always noticeable no matter how much I love the person. I have never met anyone I wanted to be with 24/7.

 

If he were to ignore you for a long time or get a girl that wanted to spend every waking moment with him...would you care?

 

Of course I would care if he dumped me for someone else. But...if he felt he would be happier with a person who wants to spend every waking moment with him, then he should go be with her because they might be more compatible. But then again, he might not be compatible with her in all the many other ways he and I are compatible. So....

[clia]

Is your guy doing something that distracts or annoys you?

 

Not really. I just think it's weird that he wants to be at my house all the time on the weekends.

 

Can't you do stuff in different parts of the house?

 

I can and I do, but I don't get why he wants to be sitting on my couch watching TV or playing on his iPad while I'm upstairs scrubbing the toilet.

 

Can you enlist his help in doing stuff?

 

Not a bad idea -- I have a few handyman projects I need done. Maybe this is the solution! LOL.

[clia]

I think you could do the italicised with close friends with whom you have no romantic interest - a boyfriend is probably more likely to want to do the bolded.

 

Not everyone wants to get married or live together -- especially as you get older. I am entirely up front about this in my relationships.

 

In my experience, the bolded would be big dealbreakers for a lot of people.

 

Yeah, in my experience, too. That's why I'm completely up front about it from the beginning. I don't want to lead anyone on who wants that.

 

But there are pockets of communities who champion the single life - perhaps it would be worth finding companionship from one of these groups rather than through a dating scenario.

 

I've told him this is how I feel. He's sticking around. I dunno.

[clia]

I am EXTREMELY introverted, as is my fiance...but we want to be together all the time when neither of us is working.

 

I get totally drained of energy in social situations. Exhausted. But this just doesn't happen when I'm with him. My relationship with him is nothing like my relationships with friends, family, coworkers...it's a completely different dynamic. I'd rather do whatever it is I have to do, whether it be solitary stuff like painting my nails or reading or watching a movie, with him near me.

 

Interesting. I'm just not like this. I get drained being around anyone, including people I love dearly. I've always been like this. I need solitude, even if I'm just watching a movie or painting my nails and we aren't talking. Again, this really raises its head with me when he stays and stays and stays on the weekends (like 24 hours or more of constant togetherness).