I Don't Understand The Need For Constant Togetherness

[clia]

I’m an introvert, independent, and need my alone time. I’m in a relationship with a great guy who I am very compatible with in most ways…except he wants to spend more time together than I really need to or can. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy our togetherness a lot, but I need time apart from him. I have things to do! LOL. He doesn’t seem to need the same level of time apart. I don’t really view him as a clingy person, though, because he does seem to take my lack of need for togetherness in stride and isn’t insecure about it. I feel almost bad complaining about this – oh, boo hoo, I have a great guy who wants to spend time with me.

 

Most of our time together is spent on the weekends from Friday evening through Monday morning. (Sometimes straight through, but more often now 2/3 nights together, and at least part of the day on Saturday and/or Sunday). I have no problems spending an entire weekend with him nonstop when we have things to do (i.e., we are on a trip, going to the museums, going to a festival, etc.) It’s when we have no concrete plans that I tend to get annoyed because I feel like he camps out on my couch and I have to shoo him out the door just to do things like clean my kitchen or run errands or get my hair cut. (I’ve talked to him about this several times, but he’s just not getting the point. But that’s neither here nor there for purposes of this post. It may be that we just aren’t ultimately compatible on this point.)

 

On a fundamental level, though, I don’t understand the need for constant togetherness because it is the complete opposite of me. I don’t understand why he would rather be sitting on my couch for hours than at home sitting on his own couch for at least part of that time. I don’t understand why he wants to tag along with me when I do mundane things like to go the grocery store. I don’t understand why he stays at my place up until I’m leaving to go meet my friends or go somewhere, rather than leaving while I’m showering and getting ready, and he’s just sitting alone in front of the TV. I don’t understand why he doesn’t initiate wanting to take a few hours alone on the weekend to do his own thing. I don’t understand why he would rather us do our work together, at my house, when he could be back at his house with his fancy computer setup and stuff to do it. I don’t understand why he doesn’t ever want to spend a Friday or Saturday night alone reading a book, without me. Etc……

 

I just don’t get it!

 

Can someone who wants a lot of togetherness time with their significant other explain it to me? I want to try to understand where he’s coming from.

[man_in_the_box]

I'm not sure if this helps but my gf used to do this while she was depressed. Long after we worked it out (i just told her I needed more time/space for myself at that point) she once told me that her idea behind it was to not give the oppertunity to not start missing her. Obviously flawed, but that's what drove her. Some sort of fear of being abaondonned.

[Drseussgrrl]

I'm the same way.

 

My roommate and her boyfriend, on the other hand, practically live together. She never does anything with friends. They are up each other's ass 24/7.

 

They also fight like there's no tomorrow and it's exhausting. I'm talking screaming matches. It's very codependent and unhealthy and if they ever knew how to be apart for even a day I bet their relationship would improve by leaps and bounds.

 

I like having my own friends, hobbies, interests, and you know - having sh*t to talk about with my sig other. Or you know just a day to wash dirty clothes and stare at my pores in the mirror.

[iKING]

The motives behind it are sweet and all, but it can become excessive. It's actually more or less a taste of marriage or just living together, but even at that point a couple doesn't spend 24/7 together. Usually one or both work, run errands, hang out with friends, etc. Some may have different reasoning for acting as you stated, but It's likely because they're really just that into you and love spending time with you. Having "your other half" by your side sounds sweet on paper, but people do need their time apart. I've been in relationships that were both ways, and the ones where we weren't together 24/7 tended to last longer. They say separation makes the heart grow fonder (or something like that).

[clia]

Some sort of fear of being abaondonned.

 

This is an interesting viewpoint. One of my friends from out of town met him for the first time recently, and her perspective was that he was terrified he was going to lose me. So maybe there is level of that going on.

 

Or you know just a day to wash dirty clothes and stare at my pores in the mirror.

 

Yes, exactly! Sometimes I just want to do absolutely nothing by myself. I don’t get how he can spend all weekend at my place and have no need to do this.

 

I become quite depressed (in addition to frustrated, overwhelmed, and downright ornery) when I don't get enough time alone.

 

It is starting to stress me out, because rather than enjoying the time we have together, I’m thinking ahead and wondering in the back of my mind whether I’m going to have to shoo him out the door at some point. Then I start worrying about hurting his feelings, and that snowballs. For once I would love it if he left before the thought “I wonder if he is going to leave soon” crosses my mind. That has never happened. I tend to have more fun with him when I know that he has a hard deadline to leave due to his work schedule or something along those lines because then I know my alone time is coming without any type of "shooing" on my part.

 

They say separation makes the heart grow fonder (or something like that).

 

It really does for me.

[veggirl]

Why don't you have him come over Saturday afternoon instead of Friday evening? Then you have friday night and saturday am/early afternoon to do your alone thing.

 

I understand you, I am typically good with 3 days a week hanging out, I don't need to spend every day with my SO. I live with my bf now so we obviously are together all the time but prior to that it was about 3 nights per week, but not all in a row like you guys do. I love my alone time, I am used to living alone and it's just calming to be by yourself sometimes, esp if you aren't doing anything w/ the other person but just lounging all day.

[pteromom]

Maybe he is thinking it will transition into a living-together or marriage situation, and he's just easing into that?

 

After all, if you lived together, it would be perfectly ok to leave him sitting on your couch while you go run errands and get your hair cut, etc.

 

So you have a couple options.

 

Either tell him in very clear terms that you need alone time, and schedule your time with him to have a clear beginning/end, or just tell him what you are gonna do, and let him chill on your couch while you do your own thing. It isn't as if you must spend every moment interacting with him if he is there.

[clia]

Why don't you have him come over Saturday afternoon instead of Friday evening?

 

I've been trying to do this, and mixing it up on the weekends. Like I said, I've been forcing less together time on the weekends, and have expressed to him that three nights in a row is too much for me to handle, so we now only do two nights. But still, I'm tired of always having to be the one to kick him out after he stays the night. (I mean, after staying over this past Saturday night, he hung out on Sunday until nearly 6 p.m. and just sat there when I finally decided to just start cleaning my kitchen!) I don't get why he doesn't ever want to leave on his own!

[clia]

Maybe he is thinking it will transition into a living-together or marriage situation, and he's just easing into that?

 

After all, if you lived together, it would be perfectly ok to leave him sitting on your couch while you go run errands and get your hair cut, etc.

 

Hmmm...maybe. But we don't live together and we aren't married. I just find it odd, which is why I was hoping some "togetherness" people here would chime in to give me their perspective.

 

Either tell him in very clear terms that you need alone time,

 

I've done this. Repeatedly. From day one of our relationship, in fact. And he understands that I need my alone time. (Or at least he says he does.) But that isn't translating into him coming up with the idea to leave on his own, without me pushing him. In fact, on Saturday night I brought it up again, and gave him the example of that day, where at around 2 p.m. I said "I need to go to the grocery store soon, and then I want to go for a run." This was my gentle nudge to get him out the door. He ended up sitting there for another hour! He said that he just hadn't realized how late it was. I guess maybe I just need to say "I need you to leave now." That just seems so....rude. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I guess the gentle nudges and shooing aren't working. And then -- after I brought it up Saturday night -- on Sunday he lounged around until 6 p.m., until it finally occurred to him to leave.

 

I mean...we had just had the conversations! ????

 

and schedule your time with him to have a clear beginning/end,

 

I can do this easily when I have concrete plans. Where I struggle is when I just want to hang out on my own, sometimes to do absolutely nothing. Do I just say "I want you to leave by 1 p.m." That sounds easy, but I feel like it would be awkward and controlling. I really want him to just leave on his own, without me having to dictate what he does. Maybe that's too much to ask?

 

or just tell him what you are gonna do, and let him chill on your couch while you do your own thing.

 

I've done this, but in truth I find it kind of annoying. He doesn't live at my house. There is no reason why he should be sitting around it all day, particularly when I'm doing stuff like scrubbing my bathrooms.

[Treasa]

Don't let him come over? It'll mean more driving for you, but it could work.

 

Or just tell him, "OK, I'm going to go do xyz now," and hand him his coat or car keys. And let him know that you need time to yourself so you don't kill those closest to you.

 

I'm like you. Thankfully my boyfriend is totally fine either way. He likes spending time with me, but he totally gets it when I say I want to do my own thing for a day, and vice versa.

[crude]

The sentiments expressed by the OP is why some people simply don't want to get married. No roommate or smothering please. Friends, FWB are fine, no need for anything more.

[clia]

Don't let him come over?

 

But then I've got to go to his place...I like my place better!

 

But yeah...if I stayed at his place, I would probably go home by noon.

 

Or just tell him, "OK, I'm going to go do xyz now," and hand him his coat or car keys. And let him know that you need time to yourself so you don't kill those closest to you.

 

Maybe handing him his coat would help get the hint across!

 

I'm like you. Thankfully my boyfriend is totally fine either way. He likes spending time with me, but he totally gets it when I say I want to do my own thing for a day, and vice versa.

 

Yeah, I don't want you all to get the wrong idea. He's fine with it when I want to do my own thing, and I really wouldn't label him as a clingy guy. It's almost like it doesn't even occur to him to leave, though. It's odd. I wish he wanted to do his own thing sometimes without me. I don't like feeling like I'm constantly having to push him away where if he was doing his own thing I wouldn't have to do that.

[Kamille]

I had the same issue, for awhile, in my last relationship. I need time alone, like, alone alone, or else I get really grumpy. (When deprived of alone time, the littlest things annoy me).

 

I've been in therapy and have figured out that I need time alone because, when surrounded by people, I generally feel responsible for them/their well-being. This is a distortion, but it also means that I tend to attract people who respond well to my "attentiveness". I don't actually enjoy doing it, and I often get resentful about it, but it's almost like I can't help myself. And, the way I cope with the stress of feeling responsible for others is that I spend a lot of time on my own. (free! with no one to pay attention to! with just my own thoughts! Heaven!)

 

My last relationship was, for the most part, LDR. That meant that we would be together 24/7 when he visited. This meant that, well, I had to give myself the right to do the laundry, clean the kitchen and stare at my pores even though he was there. Basically, I had to learn that it was ok not to pay attention to him. (And, well, my ex didn't particularly enjoy that part, precisely because I tend to orient to others when they're around).

[StanMusial]

My ex gf had an ex cheat on her so she tried to keep me locked down. It was a struggle to do anything at ALL without her trying to glom on. I didn't want to be a dick and try to purposely exclude her, but she wanted to join in and play golf with me and my friends or play basketball with us. It was a pain in the ass. She never wanted to do anything with her friends because she didn't trust them (her words). They were pretty but it wasn't like I was going to bone them or something. So basically any sort of activity or plans I made she was involved by default. It was overwhelming, I couldn't stand it.

[slant]

Wrote way more than I expected. For short answer see last paragraph.

 

I think I have something different than most to say. My situation had some unusual circumstances I think but I'll tell my story any way.

 

Last summer my (now ex) girlfriend and I started dating secretly. We were both in a college organization where about 20 of us would meet 7 days a week for 8-10 hours a day, and many times 12-16 hours a day. I was in a leadership position and we decided it would be best for no one in the group to know about our new relationship.

 

We would see each other all day long but not say a lot to each other. As time went on we started making dinner a lot together, going to the grocery store to buy food, etc. Eventually about a month into the relationship we spent every night together and it still wasn't enough time for us. Some nights I wouldn't be able to stop doing work until after midnight and would have to leave by 5:45am.

 

In retrospect it probably wasn't the healthiest thing, and I did have to give up some of my own time, but I'll blame that on my working schedule. It didn't leave a lot of room to live a normal life.

 

Now for the past six months I have been on my own in a new city. I couldn't be much more independent. I live alone, have only a few friends here, and spend most every weekend doing things by myself. I am often lonely and miss the good times with my ex, but I am able to live my life.

 

I think the two of us just fell for each over head over heels. If I was to meet someone now, I would see the weekends as the primary time to spend with one another. I have plenty of time on weeknights to go do my own things, clean up my place, go grocery shopping, etc. If I had someone I was really interested in, I would see time spent alone on my own couch on a Saturday as a waste of precious time. The majority of my waking hours are spent sitting in an office or taking care of life's other matters.

 

Now on the other hand, this past weekend I spent time with some very close friends that live a couple hours away. I haven't seen them in months, but even so towards the middle/end of the weekend I was definitely ready to get home and enjoy my time alone.

 

On the simplest level, I think it is just a matter of how much chemistry we had and how I felt being around her. Whether I was sitting on her bed while she was in the shower or walking around with her in the grocery store, being in her presence made me happier than being alone or with anyone else.

[Els]

 

Most of our time together is spent on the weekends from Friday evening through Monday morning. (Sometimes straight through, but more often now 2/3 nights together, and at least part of the day on Saturday and/or Sunday). I have no problems spending an entire weekend with him nonstop when we have things to do (i.e., we are on a trip, going to the museums, going to a festival, etc.) It’s when we have no concrete plans that I tend to get annoyed because I feel like he camps out on my couch and I have to shoo him out the door just to do things like clean my kitchen or run errands or get my hair cut. (I’ve talked to him about this several times, but he’s just not getting the point. But that’s neither here nor there for purposes of this post. It may be that we just aren’t ultimately compatible on this point.)

 

How long have you been together?

 

I think he's viewing your place as a semi-living together arrangement. It depends on whether you feel that is appropriate or not. When the bf and I were living in the same city but in different accommodation for a while, he'd stay over for a couple nights at a time and if I needed to do any errands while he was around, I'd just do it. Vice versa with his place. However, by the time we'd gotten to that stage we'd already been together for 2 years. If it had been the case 3 months into the R, I would be wary too. All depends on what stage you feel your R is in. Why don't you feel like you can clean your kitchen with him around?

 

On a fundamental level, though, I don’t understand the need for constant togetherness because it is the complete opposite of me. I don’t understand why he would rather be sitting on my couch for hours than at home sitting on his own couch for at least part of that time. I don’t understand why he wants to tag along with me when I do mundane things like to go the grocery store. I don’t understand why he stays at my place up until I’m leaving to go meet my friends or go somewhere, rather than leaving while I’m showering and getting ready, and he’s just sitting alone in front of the TV. I don’t understand why he doesn’t initiate wanting to take a few hours alone on the weekend to do his own thing. I don’t understand why he would rather us do our work together, at my house, when he could be back at his house with his fancy computer setup and stuff to do it. I don’t understand why he doesn’t ever want to spend a Friday or Saturday night alone reading a book, without me. Etc……

 

I just don’t get it!

 

Can someone who wants a lot of togetherness time with their significant other explain it to me? I want to try to understand where he’s coming from.

 

Well, when you are into someone, you want to spend time with them. Obviously how MUCH time differs depending on compatibility.

Edited March 5, 2013 by Elswyth

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like both of you have different expectations for a relationship. Maybe you should talk about what your "idea" of a relationship is, vs. his "idea". Maybe you two just aren't compatible.

 

Since you are not comfortable with this, you need to set a boundary. "I need one day each weekend to run errands, wind down & clean my house. I prefer to do these things alone".

 

Then enforce the boundary. If you passively wait for him to leave but don't speak up, he'll assume you want him there.

[xxoo]

Well, when you are into someone, you want to spend time with them. Obviously how MUCH time differs depending on compatibility.

 

Yep

 

On some level, it is simply about sharing a life together. He wants to share more of life than you than you want to share with him. He wants to share all of it, not just the fun parts.

 

Be honest, be brave, and have the conversation. Personally, I'd hate to be in a serious relationship where the other person needed days apart from me. It might just be an incompatibility.

[clia]

I've never met a person in my entire life that I wanted to be with 24/7, so I'm don't think it's a chemistry or "I'm not that into him" type of issue. I do enjoy our time together, as I said. I just don't need to spend as much time with him as he seems to want to spend with me, especially when we aren't doing anything in particular.

 

Why don't I want him there when I clean the kitchen? Because....why? I don't get why he wants to be there when I am doing those types of things. It makes no sense to me. That's actually what this entire post is about. I was looking for perspectives to try to see his side of things and to understand why he wants all this togetherness. I don't get it. I'm not that kind of person. I guess maybe he does just want to be around for both the mundane and the fun. I just don't understand it. If I were him, I'd rather go home and workout or read a book or something.

 

And again, I've had several conversations with him about this.

[Kamille]

 

Why don't I want him there when I clean the kitchen? Because....why? I don't get why he wants to be there when I am doing those types of things. It makes no sense to me. That's actually what this entire post is about. I was looking for perspectives to try to see his side of things and to understand why he wants all this togetherness. I don't get it. I'm not that kind of person. I guess maybe he does just want to be around for both the mundane and the fun. I just don't understand it. If I were him, I'd rather go home and workout or read a book or something.

 

 

What I was trying to get at with my post is that... well... Who cares what you would rather do in his shoes? Why are you concerned about this? Is it because, while he's there, you feel like you have to entertain him? You feel responsible for his well-being? You struggle to tune him out?

 

The answer might be that the two of you don't define "togetheness" the same way. To me, right now, it sounds like for you, him being there means you have to engage with him (or are, by default, aware of his presence). He could see entirely differently and feel perfectly comfortable sitting on your couch while you go about doing whatever you want. He might not feel that the two of you being in "co-presence" means the two of you are "doing something together".

 

Regardless, there is nothing to resolve. Kick him out when you need time alone. You say yourself he has no issues with this.

 

For the record, am totally with you re: compatibility. I also don't think needing more alone time is a sign of lack of chemistry. We're all built differently and some of us need time alone. The end.

[xxoo]

I've never met a person in my entire life that I wanted to be with 24/7, so I'm don't think it's a chemistry or "I'm not that into him" type of issue. I do enjoy our time together, as I said. I just don't need to spend as much time with him as he seems to want to spend with me, especially when we aren't doing anything in particular.

 

Why don't I want him there when I clean the kitchen? Because....why? I don't get why he wants to be there when I am doing those types of things. It makes no sense to me. That's actually what this entire post is about. I was looking for perspectives to try to see his side of things and to understand why he wants all this togetherness. I don't get it. I'm not that kind of person. I guess maybe he does just want to be around for both the mundane and the fun. I just don't understand it. If I were him, I'd rather go home and workout or read a book or something.

 

And again, I've had several conversations with him about this.

 

Chemistry and compatibility are different. Chemistry is what makes you want to be with someone. Compatibility is what makes it possible to get along. If you are the kind of person who needs a lot of time alone, and your guy is the kind of person who likes a ton of togetherness, you could have lots of chemistry and still be incompatible lifestyle-wise.

 

You need to be clear--no hints, no gentle nudges. Tell him that you'd like to have your apt to yourself while you clean and shower.

 

As for going home and reading a book, some people are comforted by being around loved ones.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I could have written this post myself.

 

This is precisely why I avoid relationships. In every single one, I felt suffocated and guy wanted more time together than I did. It was a constant struggle, they would always end up feeling hurt (even if I explained it all)...Eventually I would give in and then feel increasingly frustrated.

 

I shudder to think what marriage would be like and it all feels like a burden to me. I am about 10000000% happier when I am single and doing my own thing.

[tbf]

It's a matter of expectation management. The more you're yourself during the honeymoon phase and allow him to see the real you, one who needs alone time, the less drama happens within the relationship.

 

It's when people act in ways to please during the honeymoon phase, catch a mate, then can't maintain, that relationships die.

[veggirl]

It's a matter of expectation management. The more you're yourself during the honeymoon phase and allow him to see the real you, one who needs alone time, the less drama happens within the relationship.

 

It's when people act in ways to please during the honeymoon phase, catch a mate, then can't maintain, that relationships die.

 

Good point. I actually told my bf on like our 3rd date "now just so you know we aren't going to be hanging out like every day of the week or anything" Worked out well, it appears

[Eternal Sunshine]

Good point. I actually told my bf on like our 3rd date "now just so you know we aren't going to be hanging out like every day of the week or anything" Worked out well, it appears

 

I may try that! Yep, I definitely need to assert my own needs better.