Emotional cheating or is it just flirting?

[Sofore]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been surfing on the internet looking for help and I stumbled on this website. Therefore, I signed up because I think someone here can give me some external opinion on what is it happening to me.

 

I just want to summarize everything (very quickly. I can give more details if anyone is interested) for you before getting to the real question.

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend... at least, that's what I thought until a couple of weeks ago. Then, I don't know why, I snooped on his phone (first reason why I'm feeling guilty) and I found something.

I don't want to be like most snooper and say that, though I did something wrong, at the end reality proved I was right. I did wrong and I shouldn't. I really didn't have any reason, beside my being insecure as a person. This is not how a relationship goes and I know this is a symptom of some other problem (read: mostly my insecurity).

 

However, things spiraled down from there.

The texts disappeared and the BF claims he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He added that this person is actually a male colleague of his. I had a hard time believing it, because I do remember what I read ("I miss you and it's hard not to see you", etc, etc. And it seemed to me that this girl is actually in a relationship as well)... And now even the phone number disappeared from his contact list.

 

The day after the BF said he called his colleague, who said he was deleting some texts with his mistress and instead forwarded some of them to my BF, because he was the latest phoned number. And then, mysteriously, the texts disappeared. Out of curiosity, I checked on Google and couldn't find ANYONE with the same last name. Weird, uh?

 

However the BF sticks with his version. He says he loves me, he wants to marry me and he is suffering seeing me so shattered. We discussed things at lenght, very openly and I explained him what is hurting me. He said he even considered to break up with me (and I did the same, obviously). I don't know what to feel, I don't know how to handle this. I'm pretty cold at the beginning, but spending time with him gets things better.

 

What to say? Now my BF is back to his working place, which is far from where I live, because he's trying to get a promotion and be transferred closer.

 

I know that what I've written doesn't make any sense... but this is what happened.

 

On the other hand, if he cheated on me, he could have told me a better story, couldn't he? Also, why doing everything is doing to come closer and live together? No one sane enough would endure all the difficulties and a girlfriend on the edge of breaking down without being completely involved with her.

He could have just break up with me after all this mess, couldn't he? Why coming home instead to spend time with me (and he does it all the time)? It doens't make sense: either he cheated on me - and that means he doesn't love me that much - or he has been faithful and I misunderstand what I've read.

Why leaving the text on his phone, ready for me to read them (I have permission to use it and look at it)?

 

But, what is it scaring me more is the mix of feeling I have inside. I'm completely desperate, sad, angry. But I still love him with all my heart.

 

Please, can someone give me some external point of view? I want to go on and try, I don't want to give up over something I don't even know it's true or not.

But I need to understand if anyone shared the same experience and can enlighten me about this confusion about my feelings.

[Sofore]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I know nobody can be 100% sure. And I'm definitely not. His story is a blatant lie, but I don't understand why he keeps repeating it.

 

I actually think he doesn't understand that what he did for me was cheating. I confronted him and explained him clearly that what he did (because I told him I don't believe him) was wrong. So I would offer him the benefit of the doubt.

 

However, I'm stuck here between breaking up or give it a try. I'm not stucking my head under the sand, and I won't forget what happened. I know something did happen, I just don't know what it was.

 

 

Unfortunately, I don't have the phone number and I won't be able to recognize it. And, also, I do remember the texts content (just a few ones), but I didn't focus on their timing. And my BF claims they were forwarded all at once.

 

But, you know, now I won't be able to catch him if he's really doing something behind my back, even if I'll use his phone. If he has a dirty conscience, now he would be very careful about his phone and its content.

 

What I cannot really understand is why keeping me around. Why wanting to go on with our relationship. We are not married, we don't have children, we don't even live together. So, what's stopping him from breaking up and move on with whoever he prefers?

 

We are even currently living apart, it's not like it would be that difficult. There's no chance our paths can even accidentally cross, so it would be an easy and clean break.

 

And, on the other hand, our relationship works under any other aspect. Great sex, great communication, plans for the future and dedication. And he is the one proposing to go, live together, marry and spend the rest of our lives together.

 

So, why? Is there any reasonable explanation for this confusing situation? Or it's just me confused and instead it's easier than what I'm able to see from my point of view?

[Realist3]

The whole forwarding of texts is a total lie. You can only forward one text at a time, and you have to choose who you forward it to. So the excuse that his friend hit the wrong button doesn't wash at all. When you hit forward it asks "who do you want to forward this to?" When you hit delete it asks, "are you sure you want to delete this?"

 

If I were to guess, he probably does want to be with you, but he has someone on the side while he is away.

[Sofore]

Well, you know... I said it would have been easy for him to break up if he got tired of me.

 

But I'm in love with him. And if I hadn't seen the texts I wouldn't have imagined a single thing and I would have gone on happily ever after.

 

I just want to do the right thing and try everything before giving up. I don't want to look back one day, wondering if he did really lie to me or I got it wrong from the very beginning.

[Realist3]

What is to get wrong? You read what was said.

[Sofore]

I've read what it was said, don't get me wrong. And it looks the more sensible thing to do.

 

However, I don't know if it is the right one. All of this conflicts with the person he is and the relationship we have. And in the mist of all my pain and mistrust, I looked - observed looking for any hesitation - at him when he talked with me and I am not convinced at all that he was lying.

 

I haven't ever met someone able to lie like this: everyone is doomed to make mistakes when they lie. Small details that don't fit always come to the surface.

 

Also, he's left only by one month, we are seeing each other every weekend and he's taking classes/courses/training that keep him busy througout the whole day. So, I cannot really imagine how could he have already found someone else and having also the time to cheat on me.

 

When he is not busy, we are on the phone. Constantly.

 

What I mean to say is that maybe I'm not getting the whole picture and I cannot explain it to you in the correct way, abling you to form a correct opinion. At the end of the day it is only my side of the story.

 

So, what I mean to say is: a doubt (since I don't have any proof right now... and, believe me, I'm not done searching for them) is enough to through away a serious, committed relationship?

[Realist3]

Trust your gut and his future actions.

[Sofore]

Thank you, Realist.

 

Thank you for the time you took to read my story. I'll follow your advice; we are not getting married tomorrow, so I have plenty of time and I just need to keep my eyes open.

 

Truth will come to me, one way or the other. Or maybe I will just end up not caring and just deciding to move out of the doubt.

In any case, It's not a few more days/months that will change my life, but this situation I think deserves a good thinking and analysis. And actions speak louder and thousand promises.

 

So, I'll follow my instinct.

 

Sorry also if my english wasn't good enough; it's not my native language, so I might have messed up in my explanation!

[carhill]

If the action/words he engaged in, had they been performed transparently in front of you, cause you distress and/or feelings of betrayal/being disrespected, and he made a choice to hide those actions/words from you, that's cheating. It's the 'hiding' which causes it to be labeled cheating. Over my years here on LS, that appears to generally be the agreed-upon description.

 

Interesting that he vacillated between 'still wants to marry me' and 'considered to break up with me' so rapidly. That's a canary IMO.

 

What do you propose to resolve this in a healthy way?

[Sofore]

Well, he never told me "I want to break up with you" and then changed is mind.

 

When we spoke last time, we discussed the whole situation openly. I told him I considered breaking up and he admitted he did the same.

His reasons where:

1 - i was suffering too much and I looked like hating him and the relationship

2 - my mistrust that, though understandable, was not compatible with a relationship.

 

However he didn't do it because:

1 - he loves me

2 - he couldn't leave my in my time on need.

 

So, he never changed his mind about what he would like to achieve with me; he's doing his best during the classes he's taking to get the transfer back home exactly to stay with me. He considered backing out because it seemed what I wanted. But since I haven't acted on it, he let it be. At the end of the day, breaking up wasn't really upon him at that very point, was it?

 

 

I don't know a healthy way right now to solve this no-sense. I just need to calm down, gather all my ideas, observe and get to my own conclusions. And he definitely needs to prove himself and his words... I have faith in him, I trust his feelings, but right now I don't trust him if it makes any sense to you.

[Realist3]

Then tell him that right now you are questioning your trust of him. Tell him you don't believe his excuse. If it wants to make it right it is up to him.

[Furious]

Well, he never told me "I want to break up with you" and then changed is mind.

 

When we spoke last time, we discussed the whole situation openly. I told him I considered breaking up and he admitted he did the same.

His reasons where:

1 - i was suffering too much and I looked like hating him and the relationship

2 - my mistrust that, though understandable, was not compatible with a relationship.

 

However he didn't do it because:

 

1 - he loves me

2 - he couldn't leave my in my time on need.

 

So, he never changed his mind about what he would like to achieve with me;

he's doing his best during the classes he's taking to get the transfer back home exactly to stay with me. He considered backing out because it seemed what I wanted. But since I haven't acted on it, he let it be. At the end of the day, breaking up wasn't really upon him at that very point, was

it?

 

 

I don't know a healthy way right now to solve this no-sense. I just need to calm down, gather all my ideas, observe and get to my own conclusions. And he definitely needs to prove himself and his words... I have faith in him, I trust his feelings, but right now I don't trust him if it makes any sense to you.

 

 

 

Of course you don't trust him, he's come up with a ridiculous story and has made you feel that you're the one who is paranoid and distrustful and jeopardizing the relationship. He is completely blame shifting and making himself some kind of innocent victim.

 

 

Please google the term gas lighting, you'll find that it's used by cheaters to literally make you not trust your own eyes or judgment. It's crazy making, it literally screws up her head.

[Sofore]

Realist, i told him that already, so that's clear between the two of us.

I asked for proofs but this is tricky: if he hasn't done anything as he says, there's no way he can prove it. Or is there a way? Can you give me any suggestion?

 

Furious, I followed your suggestion and googled the term. To be fair, he is not accusing me of anything; he's not placing the blame on me, he's not saying I'm ruining the relationship or anything likewise. He just listens to me, reply to all my reasonings and doubts and he's trying just to keep calm.

He even went so far and said that he does understand me, my fears and doubts!

 

But still, I'm questioning everything and trying to find a sense. As I see, you all understand my confusion and this is consoling, because I sometimes feel like I'm doing all of this by myself.

 

But I know I'm not crazy. I'm instead a very rational and pragmatic person and I just need physical evidence. Of any kind. Only then I'll be able to put my mind at rest.

[Realist3]

Realist, i told him that already, so that's clear between the two of us.

I asked for proofs but this is tricky: if he hasn't done anything as he says, there's no way he can prove it. Or is there a way? Can you give me any suggestion?

 

Unfortunately, no. You should have written down that number from the texts you read and called it.

 

Now there will be no sign of anything on his phone for you to read since you confronted him.

 

One thing you might try is when you do look at his phone again is to see if he has mutliple email accounts linked up. I have five on mine. When someone pushes email they will see the default, which has nothing on it. But , you can scroll through other accounts that may be on the phone. Other than that... I see nothing.

[Realist3]

If by chance you do find something then forward it to yourself from his phone.

[Sofore]

I actually have the password to all his e-mails and FB. I don't know if he has any other hidden one, but I tried already all the common website and found anything hidden.

 

Btw, basically you are suggesting to go through his phone again? Wouldn't be stupid to do it now, when he is expecting it? And wouldn't that be going through the same situation that brought me here?

 

I mean, compared to him I'm paranoid... I have security code on every e-mail and FB. He doesn't have any of my password and he doesn't even know the unlocking code for my phone.

 

For someone that is cheating, isn't it a bit strange?

[Realist3]

I actually have the password to all his e-mails and FB. I don't know if he has any other hidden one, but I tried already all the common website and found anything hidden.

 

Btw, basically you are suggesting to go through his phone again? Wouldn't be stupid to do it now, when he is expecting it? And wouldn't that be going through the same situation that brought me here?

 

I mean, compared to him I'm paranoid... I have security code on every e-mail and FB. He doesn't have any of my password and he doesn't even know the unlocking code for my phone.

 

For someone that is cheating, isn't it a bit strange?

 

Don't be so sure.

 

Like I said I think there is probably little to find at this point since he will delete everything and make sure it is hidden from you. I was just giving a suggestion.

 

I think you lost an opportunity, perhaps your only one.

[Realist3]

A common mistake people who suspect they are being cheated on is to rush in with the first evidence they have. All that does is drive the cheater further underground.

[Furious]

Hello everyone,

 

 

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend... at least, that's what I thought until a couple of weeks ago. Then, I don't know why, I snooped on his phone

 

 

The texts disappeared and the BF claims he doesn't know what I'm talking about.

 

 

He added that this person is actually a male colleague of his. I had a hard time believing it, because I do remember what I read ("I miss you and it's hard not to see you", etc, etc.

 

 

And it seemed to me that this girl is actually in a relationship as well)... And

now even the phone number disappeared from his contact list.

 

 

 

The day after the BF said he called his colleague, who said he was deleting some texts with his mistress and instead forwarded some of them to my BF, because he was the latest phoned number. And then, mysteriously, the texts disappeared. Out of curiosity, I checked on Google and couldn't find ANYONE with the same last name. Weird, uh?

 

However the BF sticks with his version.

 

 

We discussed things at lenght, very openly and I explained him what is hurting me. He said he even considered to break up with me

 

 

But, what is it scaring me more is the mix of feeling I have inside.

can enlighten me about this confusion about my feelings.

 

 

 

Gas lighting 101

 

Deny, deny, then delete, then make up a ridiculous story, then if that doesn't work maybe he needs to break up with you because you're paranoid and distrustful. He loves you so much and willing to be with you as long as

you stop questioning yourself and him.

 

 

Then the cherry on top is the guilt trip he takes you on.

 

How can you treat him this way when all he does is love you, you must believe his story or you don't really love him.

[Sofore]

To be honest when I found out the texts I also went through everything else. And I found nothing.

 

That's why I'm doubting. And, actually, he doesn't even know I do remember the psw; he gave it to me long time ago the one for the e-mail and I found just by chance it was valid for everything.

 

So, I might have missed my only chance you say. But if he is up to something, he would do a mistake someday. Truth always come out, doesn't it?

The fact is... Now he had lost my blind trust.

Which somehow sadden me. But I guess this is pretty normal.

 

I want to go on and leave all of this behind. As you say, there's nothing I can do to have proofs. And I do think your previous advice was sound and right.

But I see his feelings are sincere and I won't spend my time going through his stuff. But I do my best not to be fooled twice, that would be stupid of me.

[Sofore]

Okay, Realist, I have handled this wrong. But it's not like I have been cheated on before and a relationship doesn't come with an instruction manual.

 

I know I have been naive and I've learned from my mistake.

 

Furious, you know what. He never put the blame on me. Ever.

And he told me the breaking up thing because I pressed him to know if he considered the possibility. His revelation enraged me, believe me.

And he is not asking me to stop questioning him, nor to believe him and his story.

 

It is something I am thinking, actually. Because a doubt and something read in a hurry that could have been easily misunderstood isn't proof enough. Realist was right saying I should have waited and collected more proofs, but I wasn't able to be rational in that very moment.

[Realist3]

If he is cheating, he is communicating in some form with her. The challenge is to find out what that is.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, just giving ideas. You're right it doesn't come with a manual, and early mistakes can be a hinderance to future success.

 

This is just a boyfriend, so there is no need to go full detective mode. He knows you are suspicious, so read him. See how he reacts. That is your best bet right now.

[Furious]

Okay, Realist, I have handled this wrong. But it's not like I have been cheated on before and a relationship doesn't come with an instruction manual.

 

I know I have been naive and I've learned from my mistake.

 

Furious, you know what. He never put the blame on me. Ever.

And he told me the breaking up thing because I pressed him to know if he considered the possibility. His revelation enraged me, believe me.

And he is not asking me to stop questioning him, nor to believe him and his story.

 

It is something I am thinking, actually. Because a doubt and something read in a hurry that could have been easily misunderstood isn't proof enough. Realist was right saying I should have waited and collected more proofs, but I wasn't

able to be rational in that very moment.

 

 

So then, do you now believe the colleague mistress story and those were someone else's texts.

 

Had he ever mentioned this colleague before, did he ever tell you that he was worried about this colleague and the mess he was in.

 

Has he given you this colleague's phone number.

[Sofore]

First of all, I did not mean to sound defensive. I want to set this clear because I'm actually appreciating the discussion and the help you are giving me. It's helping to see things under another perspective.

 

Said that. Realist you are right. He is just a boyfriend so things aren't set on stone and I can still change my mind. I need to be careful and attentive. In the mean time, I'm working on regaining my balance and happiness and we will see what will happen after. Maybe, once I've regained my senses I'll find out he is not the right one.

 

But for the current moment I have feelings for him, deep ones, and I just want to enjoy them. It might be I'm lying to myself, but I prefer to believe I'm not. At least for the time being.

[Sofore]

Furious: no, he hasn't. But he does not mention a lot of his colleagues, so that isn't strange at all.

 

He actually interacts with so many people that it would be impossible for me to keep track. But from now on I will.

 

Again, I do not believe his story. But I ask you: if you are cheating, don't you have a story ready just in case?

 

And he hasn't given me the number. What's the point? It could be anyone's that could back up his story. No, I should have saved it immediately and now it is too late.