Brother proposed to GF, my Mom and I do not like her, ?

March 5, 2013

So my brother just proposed to his girlfriend of two years and she accepted. My mother and I do not like her for similar reasons. My mom also has more silly reasons - but that's because she's a superstitious Asian mom but her other reasons are valid.

In short, he's SUPER WHIPPED. He does everything for her, washes dishes, throws out the trash, cleans, as far as I know he pays for everything - he makes 2x as much as her (he makes 100k - she makes 50k), he's better looking than she is (but not a huge gap by all means), she does not respect him - I've seen instances where she's been condescending to him, in other words shes b******.

Basically my brother is the biggest chump in the world, she got an internship/job in Los Angeles so he quit his job to be with her. He obviously found a job very quickly as he's a computer programmer with a master's degree. She then got a real job in Irvine, so he's looking to quit to find a new job at some point in the near future so she can be closer to her work. I do not see any redeeming traits about this girl, I've been sharing an apartment with my brother but his GF essentially lives with us and she has her own apartment 30 minutes away. I'm pretty sure she starts and wins almost every fight that they have.

Oh, also know that this is my brother's first LTR ever, and has never dated very many girls, at least to my knowledge. What can I do if anything? I just don't see this ending up well for him in the long run, I'm afraid one day he'll wake up and be like "why did I marry this girl?!"

March 5, 2013

How long have they been together? How much do you know about their relationship? Does he offer to do all of these things for her, or does she pull hissy fits until he does?

March 5, 2013

So my brother just proposed to his girlfriend of two years and she accepted. My mother and I do not like her for similar reasons. My mom also has more silly reasons - but that's because she's a superstitious Asian mom but her other reasons are valid.

In short, he's SUPER WHIPPED. He does everything for her, washes dishes, throws out the trash, cleans, as far as I know he pays for everything - he makes 2x as much as her (he makes 100k - she makes 50k), he's better looking than she is (but not a huge gap by all means), she does not respect him - I've seen instances where she's been condescending to him, in other words shes b******.

Basically my brother is the biggest chump in the world, she got an internship/job in Los Angeles so he quit his job to be with her. He obviously found a job very quickly as he's a computer programmer with a master's degree. She then got a real job in Irvine, so he's looking to quit to find a new job at some point in the near future so she can be closer to her work. I do not see any redeeming traits about this girl, I've been sharing an apartment with my brother but his GF essentially lives with us and she has her own apartment 30 minutes away. I'm pretty sure she starts and wins almost every fight that they have.

Oh, also know that this is my brother's first LTR ever, and has never dated very many girls, at least to my knowledge. What can I do if anything? I just don't see this ending up well for him in the long run, I'm afraid one day he'll wake up and be like "why did I marry this girl?!"

Your brother must see something in her. Why don't you have this conversation with him? He's your brother.

Surely, he can fill you in on why he likes her a lot more than we can.

March 5, 2013

My advice is gently share your concerns. I had all kinds of red flags about my ex who turned out to be a really ugly person with a princess complex, but I was too blinded by love to see it at the time. My family and friends were too polite to say anything even though none of them liked her. If they'd taken me aside it might have been enough to tip the scales and convinced me to back out before I wasted over ten years of my life.

March 5, 2013

Your brother must see something in her. Why don't you have this conversation with him? He's your brother.

Hahahahahahaha. Do you have siblings? They never listen. Parents don't listen either.

March 5, 2013

I just realized my brother is also pretty stubborn... when it comes to matters like this I'm definitely not the best suited to handle this. I've shared a cabin in a cruise with them for an entire week, in addition to currently living with them, so I can see the little things that go on. My mom has already voiced her opinions which I share for the most part.

I just don't think its healthy for a relationship for one party to be so much more domineering than the other. I'm afraid anything I say would come out wrong or taken the wrong way.

She's definitely the type to throw hissy fits and gets agitated quickly. For example, I sort of walked in on her changing - I went to their room and knocked on the OPEN door which was already a good foot and a half open - I didn't even walk in, and she started getting all b***** about it and I didn't see much since I realized what was going on.

March 5, 2013

What can I do if anything?

Are you asking how you can break them up? That seems mean.

These gripes you have aren't serious enough to intervene in their relationship in any way. The biggest issue is that you just don't like her personality. The rest of your reasons are not really any of your business.

You don't have to like her, you know. Their relationship seems to be progressing just fine, in spite of how you and your mother feel about it. If he asks you your opinion of her, then kindly give it to him, but don't expect it to change anything between them. It's kind of telling that he proposed to her without even knowing how his family felt about her. Or maybe he did know, and he still went through with it. Hm.

He's your brother. Just wish him the best and try to be happy for him.

March 5, 2013

Are you asking how you can break them up? That seems mean.

These gripes you have aren't serious enough to intervene in their relationship in any way. The biggest issue is that you just don't like her personality. The rest of your reasons are not really any of your business.

You don't have to like her, you know. Their relationship seems to be progressing just fine, in spite of how you and your mother feel about it. If he asks you your opinion of her, then kindly give it to him, but don't expect it to change anything between them. It's kind of telling that he proposed to her without even knowing how his family felt about her. Or maybe he did know, and he still went through with it. Hm.

He's your brother. Just wish him the best and try to be happy for him.

I'm not trying to break them up or anything, I just hope he realizes what he's getting himself into so he doesn't get his heart broken or ends up loveless/divorced/bitter from his marriage.

Best way to put it, I'm just skeptical of the entire situation.

March 5, 2013

You should leave them alone. He's an adult with a Master's degree, so he clearly isn't stupid. If she's as bad to him as you say, someday he'll become unhappy and leave. But it's his relationship.

Out of curiosity, why do you live with him? I'd feel weird living with a sibling who's engaged to someone else.

March 5, 2013

People see things differently from the side and you want the best for your brother. unfortunately you and your mother have to be happy for him if he's happy. keep your opinion to yourself and let him decide for himself. keep your opinion to yourself unless he asks you specifically.

My father married someone who everyone didnt like. I was on good terms with her but everyone just hated her. but he was happy. thats all what matters.

my childhood friend got married and I saw how whipped he was. she;s a control freak and you can see she's evil but he was happy.

keep your opinion to yourself. accept her because your brother does. if they do part and your brother will find out its because of you then you will be phuked! your hate for her will be your downfall. it will boomerang to you. accept her because your brother does.

March 5, 2013

I'm not trying to break them up or anything, I just hope he realizes what he's getting himself into so he doesn't get his heart broken or ends up loveless/divorced/bitter from his marriage.

Every single relationship/marriage since the beginning of time has the potential to end up loveless/divorced/bitter. Every single one. Not a whole lot we can do about that.

Best way to put it, I'm just skeptical of the entire situation.

That's okay. I think we've all been there. Everyone knows a couple where you think, "Oh good god, that's a terrible idea and I need to warn them." But you can't. They won't see it the way everyone else sees it. People are going make their own mistakes.

March 5, 2013

I like what trevzilla said, and I, too, was in an abusive relationship and feel the same. If my friends and family were to have "gently" and non-judgmentally talked to me, perhaps I would have made a different choice.

This is a tricky situation, OP, and requires delicacy. And there's good chance he might not listen. But you'll need to get him alone (preerably outside the home), and speak to him about this. Use wording that doesn't attack his character or hers. Speak about actions. Tell him that you'll love him no matter what. Speak about facts. Listen. Tell him if you think he's making excuses for her. Tell him what you see (her behaviour towards him), and how that makes you feel. Tell him you'll be there for him no matter what.

In my situation, I didn't feel others would be there for me no matter what, so I ended up becoming even more isolated and as a consequence more attched to the abuser. I didn't feel I had any escape route or any options.

There aren't many sites discussing abused men, but here's one: Relationship Stages, Abusive Women and the WTF Moment, Part One | Shrink4Men

There are a lot of articles on it, as well as a forum. Perhaps you could get some advice there, and maybe he'll be open to reading it, too.

There's also a book by Susan Forward called "Emotional Blackmail"

Peace

Edited March 5, 2013 by ja123

March 5, 2013

OP, would you classify their relationship as abusive? If so, how?

March 5, 2013

Please don't meddle. Your brother is an adult and he can make his own decisions. If you love him, please don't stress him out further.

I do not like my brother's gf. She is like dead fish, one of the most apathetic people I have met. It often feels like she is not even there. My brother has gotten increasingly lazy and dull after few years with her. This is minor though. My brother loves kids and she doesn't want any. He fully supports her financially as well as does the house work. It's HIS choice though.

I gave him my opinion a long time ago but have stepped back since. My parents fully feel the same as me and are quite aggressive about it. I told them many times to back off, despite agreeing with their opinion.

Think of your own life and your own choices. Leave your brother and his gf alone.

March 5, 2013

You should leave them alone. He's an adult with a Master's degree, so he clearly isn't stupid. If she's as bad to him as you say, someday he'll become unhappy and leave. But it's his relationship.

Out of curiosity, why do you live with him? I'd feel weird living with a sibling who's engaged to someone else.

I live in Los Angeles and my brother got a new job in Los Angeles to follow his G/F. My Mom thought it would be a good idea for us to live together and I was looking to move out of my old apartment anyways so I found a place with him. I could have just as easily found another place to live but I thought it would be convenient in several different ways. I knew his G/F would be over all the time - like 50/50 - little did I know she essentially moved in AND she has her own place with her sister in Pasadena.

Also, having a master's just means you are book smart. It is not rare for people with graduate science degrees to be lacking in the streets smart area. I know plenty of smart science people that lack common sense... I had a roommate that had a 3.97 GPA in CS that left the gas after cooking several times...

March 5, 2013

I take it the general consensus is not to do anything, and let his relationship take its course.

I wouldn't say I hate her, another way of putting it is I wouldn't date her myself.

OP, would you classify their relationship as abusive? If so, how?

I wouldn't classify their relationship as abusive, but there are a few instances where she was condescending for lack of a better word. A few examples:

1. we were vacationing after a week on a cruise in Miami together - we were on a cruise for our aunt's wedding - she was complaining about how he "didn't know how to save money" when figuring out how to get from the hotel to the airport which was 30~ mins away. He had suggested we'll just take a cab there and it'll be roughly ~$100. My point of view is, look- you're on vacation, don't sweat the little things and she wasn't even the one paying for the fare! And she didn't even do any work in figuring out how we were getting from the hotel to the airport. I'm just thinking wtf, you're not spending the money, why don't you relax, and he makes over 100k so wtf is the problem?

2. the other day, they were eating dinner together at home and he goes to bring her food off of the pan, she calls him out like it doesn't make sense to bring a plate - I don't remember the exact details but it was over something silly.

3. they we're making lunch for the next day and uses the rice I made to put in their lunch, then she's like ummmm you know we already have rice already because we're eating rice cakes - she was saying this in a condescending tone.

I could go on and on about this stuff. Basically she has a crappy attitude and when things go wrong in the slightest manner, she'll start complaining.

March 5, 2013

Unfortunately what it boils down to is the fact that your brother doesn't think he can do better.

March 5, 2013

I take it the general consensus is not to do anything, and let his relationship take its course.

I wouldn't say I hate her, another way of putting it is I wouldn't date her myself.

I wouldn't classify their relationship as abusive, but there are a few instances where she was condescending for lack of a better word. A few examples:

1. we were vacationing after a week on a cruise in Miami together - we were on a cruise for our aunt's wedding - she was complaining about how he "didn't know how to save money" when figuring out how to get from the hotel to the airport which was 30~ mins away. He had suggested we'll just take a cab there and it'll be roughly ~$100. My point of view is, look- you're on vacation, don't sweat the little things and she wasn't even the one paying for the fare! And she didn't even do any work in figuring out how we were getting from the hotel to the airport. I'm just thinking wtf, you're not spending the money, why don't you relax, and he makes over 100k so wtf is the problem?

2. the other day, they were eating dinner together at home and he goes to bring her food off of the pan, she calls him out like it doesn't make sense to bring a plate - I don't remember the exact details but it was over something silly.

3. they we're making lunch for the next day and uses the rice I made to put in their lunch, then she's like ummmm you know we already have rice already because we're eating rice cakes - she was saying this in a condescending tone.

I could go on and on about this stuff. Basically she has a crappy attitude and when things go wrong in the slightest manner, she'll start complaining.

Really? That's all you've got?

March 5, 2013

OP, if that's all you got, it sounds like it's just matter of you not liking her and not a case of her being detrimental to your brother.

March 5, 2013

You should leave them alone. He's an adult with a Master's degree, so he clearly isn't stupid. If she's as bad to him as you say, someday he'll become unhappy and leave. But it's his relationship.

Out of curiosity, why do you live with him? I'd feel weird living with a sibling who's engaged to someone else.

Yeah, by the time he would end up have to pay alimony in a country where women initiate divorce in a jiffy and try sucking as much money as they can out of the guy.

March 5, 2013

If you're going to meddle and talk to him, do more of the asking questions and listening rather than telling him what to do or judging/calling him whipped. See if he can think through it and arrive at the conclusion himself.

I wish someone had done that when I had an abusive girlfriend and I would have left before throwing away good career/school opportunities and leaving my friends. But no, my friends and family judged and scolded me for the absolute most idiotic reasons imaginable (she's too white, too fat, too old, etc.) and didn't care about the way she treated me and controlled my life. At least one friendgirl thought that women abusing/controlling men is a good thing that we need more of. So my ex promptly decided to keep me away from friends and family.

Talk to him.

March 5, 2013

The most you should do is communicate concerns and support him. If you try to force anything your brother will respond negatively. It is his life to experience, learn, and grow.

Some men are spineless and the best hope of learning for them is experience. Still, most never change in my experience.

His lack of success with women in the past might be a contributing factor to putting up with her.

March 5, 2013

It boils down to this: He's an adult. She's an adult. They both have jobs. They are now engaged. Stay out of it. Also, you may want to look into finding your own place so you're not so easily annoyed by her, because chances are likely that they will be living together soon. If he's happy, then leave it be. This is about him, not you.

And getting a Master's degree is about more than just being book-smart.

March 5, 2013

If she's not abusing him, it's none of your business. If you really want your brother to be happy, you'd refrain from sowing discord in his personal life. My advice is to reach out to his fiance and try to bond with her...since she is obviously going to be family soon.

March 5, 2013

I've seen this before with other people, 2 times in particular come to mind.

Both cases the guys almost seemed to want a woman that wore the pants. They were both really passive, I think it was low self-esteem. The marriages were kind of sh*tty for both of them but probably no different than any other marriage overall.

The women never liked any of their friends but oddly enough both really liked me, I think because I would mix it up with them by calling them on their crap. If they were rude to my friends in front of me I would say something smart-assed and embarrass them a bit. It's like I filled a "good argument fix" for them as opposed to their husbands that just followed orders.

I have a feeling if your brother started giving her sh*t back she would back off. It's almost like she might be going through drama withdrawals if he is really passive and 'whipped'.

If I were you I'd call her on it tactfully but clearly, when it happens. Saying anything to your brother straight up won't work since he seems fine with it.

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Brother proposed to GF, my Mom and I do not like her, ?

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