Has Cool Off Time Turned to Silent Treatment? When is enough time enough time?

[lone_wolf]

I've been dating this girl for 4 months now, we had our first argument on saturday. Before that we had never fought, never had an argument, had great communication, up until Saturday. Was really nothing serious at all, didn't yell, degrade each other or call each other names or anything like that, just kind of an off-day. I had messaged her later that day, pretty much apologizing for the way the day had gone, but also just trying to give her reassurance that yes even though I was a little off that day, I did still love her and care about her. Well that night she was pretty upset, I had texted her and asked if she got the message. She replied yes, I just got home from work and I'm really tired, I'm just gonna go to bed. So I said "Ok, are we ok?" She replied "Honestly, Idk... I'm tired and I need to go to bed" I said "Ok I love you" she replied "I love you too. Goodnight" I said "Can we please just talk about this I don't want to go to bed mad" her reply was "I really just want you to leave me alone." This response literally floored me, she's never said anything like that to me before. She said "We'll talk tomorrow." Well tomorrow was yesterday and I sent her a message last night saying "I'm ready to talk whenever you're ready, just to put that out there." I never got a response. I messaged her sister and explained the situation and she said she does the same thing to her when she gets mad, she's just really upset, just give her time, let her text you. I have no problem giving someone time and space but isn't there a fine line between cool off time and when it starts to slide into the silent treatment? I just don't know how to take all this because I've never fought with her before, so I don't know how she handles these kinds of situations. I just don't know what to do from here... I don't want to act irrational if all she really needs is time, but isn't say 24 hours a good enough time to collect your thoughts and come back to meet a resolution and work through the problem? I don't like games, and I don't believe in fighting silence with silence but I'm really just at a loss of what to do here. On one hand she needs her time and space I understand that, but at the same time I don't appreciate feeling ignored and shut out which is what she's doing. I left the ball in her court but really don't know what to do from here. I haven't sent her a message since last night when I said "I'm ready to talk whenever you are." I don't want to message her again and make her more upset, but really how much time is enough time? We're both 25 and I'm baffled because I feel like this is a high school game... Any suggestions, or ideas? Anyone else been through this. All this seems to do is just make a small situation worse...

[amlosingmymind]

Very similar to what I've been though with my bf last week. We've been together for almost 4 month and had the first huge fight 10 days ago. Then he refused to talk about it for 2 days when i was insisting on talking. After 2 days he said let's take a break for a week. I was really confused and depressed because for my opinion you should always talk about the problems. I didn't know if he wants to break up with me or what. Then after 3days of our "break", we met and he asked if the break can be off. He said he really missed me and the reason he wanted to take a break is because things got really intense between us after the fight and we really need to calm down, both of us. Then we talked about our problems without getting angry and emotional. And now, everything is just fine between us, we hang out and talk just like before.

 

So although I hated when we were on the break and got really confused , I have to admit that after the silence and space we can talk like adults without yelling to each other, and nothing changed between us. For some people, they just need the space to think or to calm down from the fight and during this time they don't want to talk to you. But after a while, they may realize that you're still the one he/she wants to be with. So my suggestion, don't get too upset about this, give your gf the space she needs, just wait until she's ready.

[lone_wolf]

Did you and your bf talk at all during the break? I don't even feel like I exist at this point... At first I was really hurt and upset about it, but now I find myself more angry about the fact that it seems she has no regard for my feelings or to even acknowledge my existence...

[veggirl]

So you actually sound pretty clingy/whipped.

 

Its not cool that she is giving you the silent treatment, I would NOT be okay with that but the way you are dealing with this is just...weak.

 

If the day was "off" (doesn't even sound like you fought....) then you apologize once and then LET IT GO. You don't keep harping on it and begging her for reassurance! I agree her "honestly IDK if things are okay" or whatever was pretty jacked but that's another issue.

(that issue being, one "off" day and suddenly she is "not sure" about you guys....bad sign!)

 

But for you to keep asking her after she says goodnight and then the next day to involve her sister!!!? The sister thing is WEIRD and inappropriate and makes you look desperate.

 

Don't call her or text her. When she does contact you though, don't be so apologetic/spineless!! After all, she did go back on her word to talk "tomorrow".

[veggirl]

Did you and your bf talk at all during the break? I don't even feel like I exist at this point... At first I was really hurt and upset about it, but now I find myself more angry about the fact that it seems she has no regard for my feelings or to even acknowledge my existence...

 

You should be angry. People who give the silent treatment are manipulative and have the emotional maturity of children.

[amlosingmymind]

Well in the first two days we didn't talk at all. But my bf and I are working in the place so we talked about work a little bit during the break. We didn't talk about anything related to our relationship. Somehow I think you want the respect from her that she should care about your feelings, but on the other hand, you also should respect her feelings that she needs some space. So just calm down for a few days, after that, if she still doesn't contact you, you may contact her and make things clear. Also, think about your relationship yourself during this, to make sure she is still the one you want. Just my opinion.

[ChatroomHero]

You should be angry. People who give the silent treatment are manipulative and have the emotional maturity of children.

 

I'd add that to me it seems they are also the type to ignore other problems rather than dealing with them and the problems just fester and grow much worse until they have no choice but to deal with them. That's when they play the victim card.

 

I think it's a tough type of person to be with if you are the type to deal with other things head on right away.