Love_me_not Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 So, before our wedding, I told my STB-ex husband that there were to be NO strippers. I've had boyfriends cheat on me in the past with strippers, and I just think it's disgusting and demeaning. Anyway, I could go on for a billion years explaining my reasoning--point is, I said "no strippers". I said, "If--and I mean IF--you get dragged, kicking and screaming to the strip club, no physical contact. That is cheating. No lap dances, nothing." His Best Man was his brother, who guaranteed me there'd be no strippers there, because he knew how I felt about it. After the wedding, 3 months in, I found out through the grapevine that not only had they all gone to the strip club, but that my STBX-husband had some nasty stripper's tits in his face. I was devastated. This was after a lot of other lies that he'd told me throughout our entire 4 year relationship. To me, the stripper thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I opted for divorce. Now he's saying that I do basically the same thing, because in the small town I was raised in, we all knew each other very well. It was a tight-knit community, and he recognizes that fact. We all were a touchy crowd; touching someone's arm when you're laughing, hugging everyone you see, etc. Now my STBX-husband is saying this was cheating?!? I'm going insane here! He's saying that me touching people when I talk to them is flirting/cheating, and that it's the exact same thing as having a chick's boobs in his face. I'm extremely hurt, so take it easy if you have a strong opinion here, please.
Absewarrior Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Not even remotely the same thing...that is like saying I had sex with a meth-head hooker on our wedding night, but you did the same thing by having sex with your first serious boyfriend before we ever met. He is playing with your head....do not let him in there. Move on with pride that you have standards and you are going to remove yourself from a emotionally abusive and traumatic marriage. AW 2
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 This was after a lot of other lies that he'd told me throughout our entire 4 year relationship. Given the history, why would you care about his opinion on this or any other relationship matter ??? And why are you still talking to him about it? I'd think you'd want to limit the interaction with him to that required for the division of any assets. Let him share his "strippers and hugs are equal" theory with his next partner... Mr. Lucky 1
Mack05 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) This won't be popular but I think you have completely over reacted with the strippers. For the vast majority of guys its just a laugh which no one takes seriously. I bought my brother in law a lap dance on his stag. He rang my sister the next morning and told her and she just laughed it off. It wasn't in anyway sleazy, just silly fun. We were just laughing. At a stag as long as its not cheating, I really think some things should just stay on tour and I for one think you are completely over reacting. Now the other lies I can't comment on, but to me there is a serious trust issue here. If there is little or no trust how can the relationship move forward? He is very immature with the accusations, but for me there are two wrongs here. I think you way over reacted about the strippers. If there is real trust some silly lads hijinks with strippers shouldn't put you out to much. I know it wouldn't bother me if it were the other way round. I think he is VERY emotionally immature..Hard to have a 'healthy' relationship with a man like this, but emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. Something to think about.. Edited March 7, 2013 by Mack05 1
CptSaveAho Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This won't be popular but I think you have completely over reacted with the strippers. For the vast majority of guys its just a laugh which no one takes seriously. I bought my brother in law a lap dance on his stag. He rang my sister the next morning and told her and she just laughed it off. It wasn't in anyway sleazy, just silly fun. We were just laughing. At a stag as long as its not cheating, I really think some things should just stay on tour and I for one think you are completely over reacting. Now the other lies I can't comment on, but to me there is a serious trust issue here. If there is little or no trust how can the relationship move forward? He is very immature with the accusations, but for me there are two wrongs here. I think you way over reacted about the strippers. If there is real trust some silly lads hijinks with strippers shouldn't put you out to much. I know it wouldn't bother me if it were the other way round. I think he is VERY emotionally immature..Hard to have a 'healthy' relationship with a man like this, but emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. Something to think about.. husband is paying for crimes he didnt commit.... previous losers she dated that cheated on her all this boils down to
ver13 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 If this is the only reason that you want to leave the M based off some BS that occurred during the B party then you go girl. IMO this is not that major of an issue the blame shifting etc... thats another story. I sure that at some point in your life you did something that he might not agree with. The issue is whether he continues to frequent the strippers and conducts hisself in the same matter. Let he or she without sin cast the first stone, set your boundaries and see if he is willing to abhere to them.
Gunny376 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) I think your righteous for wanting to divorce him for going to a strip club? But not for the reason you've outlined. Its because men that go to strip clubs anywhere past the age of getting in tha' front door? Are morans~ Stupid, ignorant, sexually immature ~ developed ~ stunted! I've been to strip clubs, ~ when I was EIGHTEEN and in my very early twenties! At the time? I was also young, DUMB, ignorant, stupid and in-eperienced in and with women/relationships/marriage? I work TOO damned hard, too damned long, put up wtih TOO much BS at work to waste away on some probally lesbian laughing her azz off at me putting a 'twenty' in her G-string! Let alone a $100 lap dance! Sorry not going to happen. Boobs are boobs! A vagina is a vagina. The GREATEST sex-aide ever invented was a light-switch and a good imagination! Good sex orginates between the ears ~ not between one's legs! Edited March 9, 2013 by Gunny376
Mack05 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) I think your righteous for wanting to divorce him for going to a strip club? But not for the reason you've outlined. Its because men that go to strip clubs anywhere past the age of getting in tha' front door? Are morans~ Stupid, ignorant, sexually immature ~ developed ~ stunted! I've been to strip clubs, ~ when I was EIGHTEEN and in my very early twenties! At the time? I was also young, DUMB, ignorant, stupid and in-eperienced in and with women/relationships/marriage? I work TOO damned hard, too damned long, put up wtih TOO much BS at work to waste away on some probally lesbian laughing her azz off at me putting a 'twenty' in her G-string! Let alone a $100 lap dance! Sorry not going to happen. Boobs are boobs! A vagina is a vagina. The GREATEST sex-aide ever invented was a light-switch and a good imagination! Good sex orginates between the ears ~ not between one's legs! I go to strip clubs only when there is a friends stag do on. It does absolutely nothing for me 'sexually'. I've never had a lapdance. It's the same for many guys. I go there to drink beer with my buddies and laugh at their silly antics and jokes. It's nice to be able to laugh with friends. Life can be hard, having a laugh with friends are the kind of the things that I look forward to. The fact I go with them doesn't make me moranic, stupid, ignorant or sexually immature.. Why don't you actually get to know people, before passing your high and mighty judgement on them... Edited March 9, 2013 by Mack05
Gunny376 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I go to strip clubs only when there is a friends stag do on. It does absolutely nothing for me 'sexually'. I've never had a lap dance. It's the same for many guys. I go there to drink beer with my buddies and laugh at their silly antics and jokes. It's nice to be able to laugh with friends. Life can be hard, having a laugh with friends are the kind of the things that I look forward to. The fact I go with them doesn't make me moronic, stupid, ignorant or sexually immature.. Why don't you actually get to know people, before passing your high and mighty judgement on them... Trust me my friend, I have! I've been to strip clubs overseas that would make a 5th rate, back alley, crackhead Los Vegas whore blush! :eek: :eek: The "Stage" in Naha, Okinawa Prefecture (State) Japan comes to mind. Those in Thailand take it to not only a whole other level, but to another dimension. You have no idea what some exploited, underage, trappped in the sex trade and overseas Colombian or Filipino gal on a stage will do for a five dollar bill! :eek: :eek: Just to keep from being beaten, and for a bowl of rice. I don't care how you slice it, dice it, cook it, dress it up, garnish it, nor serve it up! A bowl of dog crap is still a bowl of dog crap! Get back with me the first time you walk into one with your bad macho-self and your budddies and its your daughter, your grandaughter, your neice, your cousin, working in one!
Mack05 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) Trust me my friend, I have! I've been to strip clubs overseas that would make a 5th rate, back alley, crackhead Los Vegas whore blush! :eek: :eek: The "Stage" in Naha, Okinawa Prefecture (State) Japan comes to mind. Those in Thailand take it to not only a whole other level, but to another dimension. You have no idea what some exploited, underage, trappped in the sex trade and overseas Colombian or Filipino gal on a stage will do for a five dollar bill! :eek: :eek: Just to keep from being beaten, and for a bowl of rice. I don't care how you slice it, dice it, cook it, dress it up, garnish it, nor serve it up! A bowl of dog crap is still a bowl of dog crap! Get back with me the first time you walk into one with your bad macho-self and your budddies and its your daughter, your grandaughter, your neice, your cousin, working in one! Most of the time, I have no idea what you are talking about Gunny. I find most of your posts non sensical. I stop reading after a few lines, cause all you seem to do is go off into tangent after tangent. I am well educated and well travelled so please don't assume that I am 'ignorant' or 'moronic' just because I have visited strip clubs on stag do's in the past. Also don't assume I don't know about exploitation in Asia, as I spent many months travelling throughout Asia (did not engage in anything seedy I might add). I make a point that you can't call all guys moronic, stupid, ignorant, sexually immature etc that go to strip clubs and you reply with nonsense about strip clubs in Japan and Thailand and how exploited these girls are. Would I like my daughter, sister or niece to work in a strip club? Of course I wouldn't, but for most women it is their choice to work there. If someone in my family decided to work in a strip club, I would STRONGLY relay my concerns, but at the end of the day it is their choice. Many times I don't agree with the choices of people that I love, but I will still support those choices. The exploitation of girls/strippers in Asia has nothing got to do with this thread whatsoever (That is another debate for another time). It's just a way for you to deflect from the point I raised. You can't pass the same judgement on every single guy that goes into a strip club! To say to the OP she should divorce her husband because he went to a club and then pass judgement every single guy over 21 in the planet, that's been to a strip club is quite frankly extremely ignorant. The epiphany of black and white thinking. I mean the fact you went to these seedy strip clubs in Asia doesn't that make you also sexually immature/Ignorant/moronic? Therefore shouldn't your wife divorce you? Now if some people think your advice is solid and it works for them then great. But for me, I don't enjoy reading your posts, so therefore I am no longer going to. I'm sure that makes me stupid, ignorant and immature in Gunny's world, but honestly I couldn't give a monkey's nutsack what your opinion of me is.. Edited March 9, 2013 by Mack05
imtooconfused Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Now he's saying that I do basically the same thing, because in the small town I was raised in, we all knew each other very well. It was a tight-knit community, and he recognizes that fact. We all were a touchy crowd; touching someone's arm when you're laughing, hugging everyone you see, etc. Now my STBX-husband is saying this was cheating?!? I'm going insane here! He's saying that me touching people when I talk to them is flirting/cheating, and that it's the exact same thing as having a chick's boobs in his face. You have a firm limit on strippers and you made that clear. Some would argue the limit is unrealistic, but it's your limit and you care very passionately about it. Your husband has a limit on flirting. Some would argue that touching and hugging is not flirting, but your husband does believe this to be a form of flirting and it seems to be important to him. Is it the same thing as a naked stripper? Not particularly, but they are both limits. We all have limits. Don't make me eat eggplant. That would be a big limit for me. A relationship cannot survive if you don't have mutual respect for each other's limits. You may not agree with the limit. You may not even understand the reason behind the limit. But you have to respect the feelings behind the limit and agree to support the limit. I couldn't be with someone who makes me eat eggplant. End of story.
Steadfast Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) Gunny doesn't need me to defend him, but his posts are an acquired taste. I felt the same as you when I first started reading here, but there is a method. He's insightful. People don't have to agree to co-exist. Therefore... If someone in my family decided to work in a strip club, I would STRONGLY relay my concerns, but at the end of the day it is their choice. Many times I don't agree with the choices of people that I love, but I will still support those choices. Supporting the choice (not the right to choose) means you're agreeing with the choice. People so fear confrontation. If you disagree you're "judging..." Call me judge and buy me an orange GTO. I've told my ex, my kids, etc more than once that I hated their choices and would never support them. I'd never agree. The ex left, the kids can't. They owe me money. Hate the sin, love the sinner is the way I see it. Love isn't agreeing or bowing under. Friendship shouldn't be conditional, or marriage. I guess that's why I like Gunny. If he doesn't agree, he'll say so. Don't mean he won't ever post to that person again. I like that...admire it. Too many thin-skinned pu$$ies in the world today. No one has the balls to stand up and shout; "That isn't right!" Nothing was ever accomplished with complacency. Just the opposite; weakness and fear erodes the soul. **EDIT** OP? The issue here isn't strippers, it's lying about strippers. If you couldn't agree (or agree to disagree) then you should not have married him. I, for one, would never 'take orders' from my woman. A real man lives by the Golden Rule. You have a right to demand nothing less than you're willing to give. Edited March 9, 2013 by Steadfast
Mack05 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Supporting the choice (not the right to choose) means you're agreeing with the choice. People so fear confrontation. If you disagree you're "judging..." I don't agree with this at all..I could give numerous examples, but that is not fair to the OP. The thread is getting sidetracked and that is not fair.
Mack05 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) You have a firm limit on strippers and you made that clear. Some would argue the limit is unrealistic, but it's your limit and you care very passionately about it. Your husband has a limit on flirting. Some would argue that touching and hugging is not flirting, but your husband does believe this to be a form of flirting and it seems to be important to him. Is it the same thing as a naked stripper? Not particularly, but they are both limits. We all have limits. Don't make me eat eggplant. That would be a big limit for me. A relationship cannot survive if you don't have mutual respect for each other's limits. You may not agree with the limit. You may not even understand the reason behind the limit. But you have to respect the feelings behind the limit and agree to support the limit. I couldn't be with someone who makes me eat eggplant. End of story. This I do agree with...It probably explains why some people are compatible and some people are not. I may think the OP is being harsh about the strip club stuff, but as imtooconfused has just said everyone has different limits, different view points and different tolerance levels on various topics. It's about finding someone who you have a connection with, gel with and are compatible with. Someone who has similar life views to you and has the same future dreams as you. Someone whose boundaries you fit easily into and vice versa. I think whether you agree with the OP or not, its quite clear this does not look like a compatible union. I think there is wrong on both sides, but that is probably the last thing the OP wants to hear right now... Edited March 10, 2013 by Mack05
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