promises Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Would love to hear your thoughts on the boundaries you had in you mind on what you would and wouldn't do while inside of the A. What were the boundaries you had in your mind that you would not cross while engaged in the affair? For instance, did you allow yourself to go to the MM/MW's home or not and why? Did you meet in public or not and why? Would you consider a hotel/motel or not and why? What were your limits?
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Would love to hear your thoughts on the boundaries you had in you mind on what you would and wouldn't do while inside of the A. What were the boundaries you had in your mind that you would not cross while engaged in the affair? For instance, did you allow yourself to go to the MM/MW's home or not and why? Never crossed my mind. Wouldn't want to go to her house nor would I allow her in mine unless it was under a party type scenario. Did you meet in public or not and why? Yes, because we liked doing things together. Would you consider a hotel/motel or not and why? Yes many times. Becuase it is comortable and private. What were your limits? I can't say there really are any.
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Hmm. Boundaries. This may be different for me as my A was online / long distance, but I know I said to him if he DID move here (when he was planning to do so, when we were trying to take steps to meet up for the first time and then see what happened, and sometimes he’d get impatient and want to just make the big move NOW instead of being cautious and meeting first and THEN seeing how things went), that I REFUSED to carry on an A in person. Like I know it’s bad enough I had that relationship with him while in my relationship with my partner, but to do so in PERSON, like to visit him and be with him and then come back home to her? I said I just wouldn’t be able to live with that. But you know…if it came down to it, I probably would’ve ended up breaking that boundary. If he WAS living locally, I’d say a boundary would have been no OBVIOUS “inappropriate” interactions in public. Just in case someone I knew saw us. I really can’t think of any other boundaries, but how could there be many, given we were so long distance?
Author promises Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Wouldn't want to go to her house nor would I allow her in mine unless it was under a party type scenario. What is your reasoning for this? Just curious.
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Too high a risk of someone unexpectedly coming home? Not "romantic" (separate from "real life") enough? Too disrespectful to the spouses?
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 What is your reasoning for this? Just curious. Well, I consider our homes our respective family's space. I'm not part of her family and she is not part of mine. If it were a social function then no problem. Aside from that it would be pretty stupid from a getting busted standpoint. My house is on the main street in our small subdivision. I can't leave my house without seeing a neighbor. All of the houses that surround us have at least one spouse that stays at home and is outside almost all the time. Since all of my neighbors know her it would be crazy to have her getting out of my car at my house.
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Would love to hear your thoughts on the boundaries you had in you mind on what you would and wouldn't do while inside of the A. What were the boundaries you had in your mind that you would not cross while engaged in the affair? I won't lie for him, that's really my main boundary. For instance, did you allow yourself to go to the MM/MW's home or not and why? Nope. Not interested in spending time in "her" space. We have our own space, I don't need to be in hers and why would I want to take that risk. Did you meet in public or not and why? Oh yes. Why wouldn't we? There is nowhere I've ever wanted to go that we have not been able to go. Would you consider a hotel/motel or not and why? Hotel yes, motel no. I don't like motels, I like pretty, plush hotels. What's not to like? What were your limits? My answers above in bold.
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I too love plush, opulent hotels. Motels…meh. I don’t really want to have a romantic dinner in the “Dagwood Dog Diner” beside the motel on the side of a freeway, you know? Lol. Hey LFH, when you say you won’t lie FOR your MM, what does that mean? Unless you were confronted by his wife, what situation would you have to lie for him in?
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I too love plush, opulent hotels. Motels…meh. I don’t really want to have a romantic dinner in the “Dagwood Dog Diner” beside the motel on the side of a freeway, you know? Lol. Hey LFH, when you say you won’t lie FOR your MM, what does that mean? Unless you were confronted by his wife, what situation would you have to lie for him in? None really, but when I put the rule in place, who knew you know? But from the beginning I told him I won't lie. That meant that I wouldn't be a cover story, if anyone ever asked I'd tell the truth. It's always worked out well for us.
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 AHHH, I see. Yeah. That makes sense re the cover story thing. That’s good. It's fairly easy to get into the habit of "using" each other (if required) as a cover story and kind of "working together" in that way, so it's good you won't do that.
spice4life Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Would love to hear your thoughts on the boundaries you had in you mind on what you would and wouldn't do while inside of the A. What were the boundaries you had in your mind that you would not cross while engaged in the affair? For instance, did you allow yourself to go to the MM/MW's home or not and why? Did you meet in public or not and why? Would you consider a hotel/motel or not and why? What were your limits? For me my limits were more emotional boundaries. I conditioned myself to put them in place because it hurt too much otherwise. After a while it became second nature because it was the only way I could survive in those circumstances. I've been thinking about it lately - a lot - and it has me wondering if I conditioned myself too well! I think boundaries are important and very healthy, but in an affair they have a different set of rules. You get used to acting a certain way because you feel "you can't go there" so you just set it aside so you don't rock any boats. It made me realize I don't want to operate that way...I don't want to have to limit myself like that. If I do, then one side of me gets totally neglected to the point where I'm starving for a connection that I need to survive within the relationship. What are you suppose to do when that happens? You begin to question it. The whole experience has taught me that I don't want to be stuck in a situation where I feel I have to split my relationship needs to get them met. It's very unfulfilling. You know what I mean? I think in there lies the crux of why some people who are married or in a committed relationship get involved in affairs. I know I didn't answer what you were asking, but that is what I think of in terms of boundaries in an affair. Edited March 5, 2013 by spice4life 1
imperfectangel Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I wouldn't go to his house though he asked me to, a few times though it was made clear to me "their" room was off limits and I respect that but I just couldn't go to his home, there's no way I could feel comfortable in another families home For us it seemed communicating was more of a problem he told me his w checked his phone a lot and over the last year or so he kept disappearing for a few weeks at a time and that's what really took its toll on me that I could just be disguarded as and when it suited what he had going on at home thats what I really couldn't deal with
Author promises Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 For me my limits were more emotional boundaries. I conditioned myself to put them in place because it hurt too much otherwise. After a while it became second nature because it was the only way I could survive in those circumstances. I've been thinking about it lately - a lot - and it has me wondering if I conditioned myself too well! I think boundaries are important and very healthy, but in an affair they have a different set of rules. You get used to acting a certain way because you feel "you can't go there" so you just set it aside so you don't rock any boats. It made me realize I don't want to operate that way...I don't want to have to limit myself like that. If I do, then one side of me gets totally neglected to the point where I'm starving for a connection that I need to survive within the relationship. What are you suppose to do when that happens? You begin to question it. The whole experience has taught me that I don't want to be stuck in a situation where I feel I have to split my relationship needs to get them met. It's very unfulfilling. You know what I mean? I think in there lies the crux of why some people who are married or in a committed relationship get involved in affairs. I know I didn't answer what you were asking, but that is what I think of in terms of boundaries in an affair. This makes complete sense. I agree completely with not wanting to operate in the ways of the affair. It's a conditioning that isn't natural for me.
cocorico Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Would love to hear your thoughts on the boundaries you had in you mind on what you would and wouldn't do while inside of the A. What were the boundaries you had in your mind that you would not cross while engaged in the affair? For instance, did you allow yourself to go to the MM/MW's home or not and why? Did you meet in public or not and why? Would you consider a hotel/motel or not and why? What were your limits? My "limits" or "boundaries" were the same as for any other R. Him being M was his problem, not mine.
TaintedLuv Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Being the single AP, I suppose i didn't have any boundaries as far as my own life exactly. Initially before things got super intense, we did meet each others friends and hang out at a club or bar. When things got heated up, he got very paranoid and we stopped going anywhere together. We would usually get a hotel room anytime he could manage to sleep out. I really despise motels. It makes me feel really cheap although we did use them a couple of times, I stopped allowing it. The only time we would ever be in public is when I'd meet him out of state if he went out of town for a few days. I was completely hidden from his real life. I would never go to a MMs home for obvious reasons and no way in hell he would entertain the idea if I suggested it anyway. I also never let him meet my parents. Too much explaining to do and I only let them meet men that i may have a future with. I also didnt date or touch any other men while we were together because he was superjealous and didn't like the idea. I didnt really need anyone else anyway. I'm not capable of being more than mans woman. For him, I guess his entire life was a boundary. Everything he did was in secret.
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I would never go to a motel. Only nice hotels. A little room service brunch awaiting in the room before arrival. 1
BrokenPrincess Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 What were the boundaries you had in your mind that you would not cross while engaged in the affair? Emotional: -no FWB. I wanted a formal relationship, as much as possible given the circumstances (which we discussed & agreed on at the very beginning) -no falling in love (also discussed) -no sharing intimate details of our spouses (didnt discuss this boundary but neither of us really did) -no leaving our Ms Out & about: -no going to each others houses (too risky), but we did wish we could to do more things live together instead of just via video calls (ie cooking, watching tv, grilling, morning paper, etc). No way would we be in bedrooms but I think if our A continued longer, we may have broken this one because we were already getting close -No being together in our personal cars but we did ride together in rentals. But I was always a little scared something might happen & we'd have to explain being together -yes we went out in public, but in our hometowns only during the day & looking platonic. We kissed a few times in public, mostly at the airport. Couldn't decide if we should make a rule but it felt wrong not to kiss goodbye before boarding -yes lots of hotels. I would never stay in a motel for any reason, much less romance.
Yellowteacup Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Would love to hear your thoughts on the boundaries you had in you mind on what you would and wouldn't do while inside of the A. What were the boundaries you had in your mind that you would not cross while engaged in the affair? For instance, did you allow yourself to go to the MM/MW's home or not and why? Did you meet in public or not and why? Would you consider a hotel/motel or not and why? What were your limits? I would never let the OM drive me to my door or call me on my cell when I was at home. We meet at his home for dinner, etc. or in other public places in the city for drinks. I would never meet him in places around my town. Other than that, there are not really any boundaries.
ConfusedBlueeyes Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I am single ow and in LDR. I have been to his town a number of times drove past his house together :/ but i would never ever go near the house in any other way. He stays at mine majority of the time. We have stayed in hotels to just to do something different. I am not really sure what a motel is? While he is at home the only real boundary i have is not calling from say 7pm onwards any other time is ok i can text whenever i like and we often talk online
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I forgot, I'm not supposed to call the house after 10pm or before 7am unless it's something critical, but that's ok, because I don't like anyone calling here after 8pm unless it's an emergency either. I think that's just normal boundaries.
skylarblue Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Pertaining to the A, in general there was nothing off-limits outside of what I held for any (romantic) R with the exception of no feelings allowed. As far as aspects arising from the A, there were no boundary lines for me that dealt with showing any type of mitigating respect/consideration for the W or M. Nor were there really any kind of behavior or conduct that I considered improper enough to not engage in (even if I considered it improper in general). Although xMM was usually the one to make suggestions and/or decisions on things, I neither discouraged, refused, or had opposing view to engaging in things likely to be considered of high risk or in an unfavorable way. The only thing I would not and refused to do was something that would've put his job in jeopardy. Under no circumstance, would I allow him (by my participation) to seriously risk his profession. Just to be clear, I'm not considering boundaries and restrictions as the same.
Got it Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I don't recall very many boundaries. With discretion we would interact with each other. I had the number to the house, I guess that I wouldn't call in the middle of the night. I didn't have a reason to be at his house nor would that have been of interest for me. I had expectations for the relationship, time, frequency, involvement in his life, definitely nice hotels and not motels But this was an even give and take.
Author promises Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I don't recall very many boundaries. With discretion we would interact with each other. I had the number to the house, I guess that I wouldn't call in the middle of the night. I didn't have a reason to be at his house nor would that have been of interest for me. I had expectations for the relationship, time, frequency, involvement in his life, definitely nice hotels and not motels But this was an even give and take. I thought offering up 'motels' was funny.
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 i would never go to his home. he would never ask. over the summer I wouldn't text/call at all, I would only respond to him. now, not really 'spoken' boundaries, but it's still about the same-- I rarely text him first. I don't call either. He calls me. I just wait to hear from him-- which at times makes me feel terrible and awful, but at other times I feel okay because then I don't feel too needy.
Author promises Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 What if the MM asked you to come to his home? Mine did, and I never understood that logic.
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