Beachbabe9109 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 My bf and I have been dating 9 months. We've been saying I love you for a long time. We talk on the phone almost daily, and when we hang up, or leave we say I love you. Well, last week was rough on us, but things are fine. We've still said I love you. But a couple times when we go to hang up, I have said I love you and he'll say bye or good night or hang up without saying it back.. That has only happened since our rough patch. But in person he'll say it, on the phone the other night he said it first, etc. Everything in person, and our phone conversations are completely the way they used to be, there's no weirdness or awkwardness or anything after that. So.....what is that?
CudLRoo Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Maybe overanalysis on your part or he's grumpy over something? Plus, not all men like lovey-dovey talk and don't really know how to express (I'm the opposite, I think I might occasionally repel with my lovey chat). Some guys think it's spelled with an X. Try not saying it and see what he says. Think of it as an experiment.
Author Beachbabe9109 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 So it's not bad or anything? Like I said, before our little rough spot last week, he'd always say it when we left or hung up. He'll stay say it, just not as often now..
ChessPieceFace Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well, you said "things were rough and now they're fine" and didn't elaborate. I will go out on a limb and guess that the reason you didn't elaborate is that perhaps you did or said something wrong, and want to sweep it under the rug and pretend "things are fine now", when in reality you've done damage that you want to brush aside rather than own up to. If so, I think you may have damaged your relationship with him, and the evidence is his change in behavior / emotionally distancing himself from you. So if you've acted poorly, you have a choice - apologize for it and try to restore the emotional bonds you are now missing, or ... don't. Or hey, maybe I'm wrong, but you didn't elaborate so we don't have much to go on.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 It's Control. Sorry, but it is. Mild, unconscious, but Control nevertheless. "She can say it to me, but I'm not going to respond in the same way. Huh, keep her hanging, wondering, withdraw a fragment of affection to communicate how pissed off I feel. Can't say 'I love you' if I'm pissy, can I...? Nope. She can say it - darned if I will. Let her feel a little stung.... that will show her how I feel." 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Oh yeah, and as Tara pointed out, the third option is that you can look for the worst possible motives behind everything men do, and live in a world of suspicion, distrust and bitterness. I'm sure THAT will lead to happiness.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Hi CPF... Still gripin' at me, I see....? Boy, you must be really mad at me for something.... I love you too!
ChessPieceFace Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm mad when anyone posts unfairly suspicious/bitter things in someone's thread who is looking for help, possibly with the result of wrecking their relationship. She needs realistic advice, not man-hate. This forum is incredibly disappointing. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 CPF: Everything we think, say and do, has motive. This is the essence of communication. Body Language is by far the greatest expression we have.On a 'phone, body language is lost, so we have to discern someone's intentions through HOW they communicate, and what they say - or don't say. He is selective about when he tells her he loves her. He chooses to not respond with "I love you too" when they've had a disagreement. This has only happened 'since their rough patch'. If this is selective to a situation, there is an intention behind his omission. The intention is to communicate that he is still inwardly miffed. he bears the tiniest of grudges. That's fine, it happens. But this is how he is passing his current mood on. ChessPieceFace, I do not select gender and stick to being critical of men only. But I've been doing this a long time - on and off-line - so I know from experience that PEOPLE behave in certain ways to manipulate situations to their advantage. An awful lot of the time, they don't either know, or realise they're doing it. Its not actually a conscious thing. But be in no doubt - all communication has intent. Just like yours to me. With no recrimination, you dug and poked, and were sarcastic. I get it, I understand. It's fine.... But people do what works. They seek to gain the upper hand, because they believe by controlling a situation, they have the advantage. And this runs from something as seemingly insignificant as not responding with 'I love you too' to the most extreme forms of manipulation. sarcasm is a form of manipulation. That's not an accusation, it's a fact. And I am not having a go. But I'm trying to get you to understand what I mean. Everything - has motive. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 She said he was open with his affection for 9 months and only has been like this since their "rough patch." Then you assign a negative connotation "It's CONTROL." How about it's because he's been hurt by whatever happened. You act like men have no right to feel hurt or act on that, like their motives are sinister if they do. That's what's unhelpful and damaging.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) No - like I said, I don't distinguish between genders... I would have said the same, even if the genders had been reversed.... If he's only behaved this way since the rough patch, then there's a reason behind it. I did point out it was in all probability unconscious, and it's extremely mild - but it is a form of 'control' whatever you may protest. How about it's because he's been hurt by whatever happened. Absolutely! That's precisely why he's doing it! He's hurt. And he wants to communicate that pain. As I explained: "She can say it to me, but I'm not going to respond in the same way. Huh, keep her hanging, wondering, withdraw a fragment of affection to communicate how pissed off I feel. Can't say 'I love you' if I'm pissy, can I...? Nope. She can say it - darned if I will. Let her feel a little stung.... that will show her how I feel." Nowhere have I said that he had no right to feel that way. I merely outlined what the reasoning behind it was. Please don't twist my meaning, or assume to read things in my posts which are not there. Like I said, it was almost definitely not even a conscious intention. Do I ever post anything you DO like or agree with, as a matter of curiosity? It's just that some other people like the same posts you come down so heavily on, so I can't be the only person thinking that way. Look, carry on picking holes if that's what you want to do. But don't accuse me of being gender-biased, or construe in my posts what you assume is meant. If I wanted to say something, trust me - I would. But you're quite incorrect here. Edited March 5, 2013 by TaraMaiden
clia Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I think you need to stop overanalyzing every single little thing your boyfriend does and trying to read something into it. Sometimes things don't mean anything. Your thread history is a constant analysis of his behavior. Have you taken any of the advice from your insecurity thread? Maybe he's just exhausted from dealing with your insecurities, and doesn't feel like saying "I love you" constantly.
Author Beachbabe9109 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Well, you said "things were rough and now they're fine" and didn't elaborate. I will go out on a limb and guess that the reason you didn't elaborate is that perhaps you did or said something wrong, and want to sweep it under the rug and pretend "things are fine now", when in reality you've done damage that you want to brush aside rather than own up to. If so, I think you may have damaged your relationship with him, and the evidence is his change in behavior / emotionally distancing himself from you. So if you've acted poorly, you have a choice - apologize for it and try to restore the emotional bonds you are now missing, or ... don't. Or hey, maybe I'm wrong, but you didn't elaborate so we don't have much to go on. We didn't have an argument. He brought up some concerns he had (just stuff like that I'm not super chatty with his friends and I'm not as open with him as he'd like). Just that stuff. We talked it through and are working on it. We hung out on Sunday, it was a really, really great time. He said I love you then. Sorry I didn't really elaborate the first time. And to Tara: I don't really get how he'd be doing this because he's hurt by it.. if anything, I should be the one that is hurt.. He began his discussion of his concerns by saying he'd been thinking of if we should break up. But anyways, we have moved passed that and agreed to pretend that discussion did not happen and carry on dating as we had before it. Edited March 5, 2013 by Beachbabe9109
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 And to Tara: I don't really get how he'd be doing this because he's hurt by it.. if anything, I should be the one that is hurt...... Ok, well, something's amiss if you notice a change in the pattern of his behaviour... Does his tone on the phone seem loving and affectionate? Perhaps you should ask him... he says you're not chatty enough... and you need to go through that - but you feel a bit puzzled by his not responding when you tell him you love him.... He began his discussion of his concerns by saying he'd been thinking of if we should break up. Oh really.... ? he had been thinking that, had he....? .....But anyways, we have moved passed that and agreed to pretend that discussion did not happen and carry on dating as we had before it. pretence doesn't mean - it didn't happen. Maybe he's not as 'past it' as you would like to think....? There's obviously something bothering him.... do you not feel that?
Author Beachbabe9109 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 .... Ok, well, something's amiss if you notice a change in the pattern of his behaviour... Does his tone on the phone seem loving and affectionate? Perhaps you should ask him... he says you're not chatty enough... and you need to go through that - but you feel a bit puzzled by his not responding when you tell him you love him.... Oh really.... ? he had been thinking that, had he....? pretence doesn't mean - it didn't happen. Maybe he's not as 'past it' as you would like to think....? There's obviously something bothering him.... do you not feel that? Other than the I love you thing, he is 100% normal. Touching kissing, tickling, laughing/joking..everything is normal. And yes, his tone is loving and nice, as normal. He calls me sweetie and everything still. We talked on the phone just now and had a really good convo. He did say I love you that time. He said it first though I don't understand this sentence: pretence doesn't mean - it didn't happen. Maybe he's not as 'past it' as you would like to think....? There's obviously something bothering him.... do you not feel that? What didn't happen? And no, he is acting totally himself. It happened a week ago if that helps any.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Good. Then, just ask him why sometimes he doesn't say it. Simple.
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