GreySkyMorning Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 So much seems like its happened in the last week or two. On the 22nd, MM spent part of the day with me. Everything seemed good. We ended having sex and later, as I was getting ready for work and he was getting ready to leave, I told him that we needed to have a serious discussion at my graduation day. He immediately rejected that idea, said we wouldn't talk that day, and that it wasn't going to be a day for tears. I think I had my lightbulb moment right then. The only reason he would say tears is because he knew he would be telling me that he wasnt going to be with me. So, I pushed a little further and told him I thought he was content where he was with things the way they are and that he's never going to leave. He agreed that he was "content". That was it, right there. That was probably the most honest he's ever been with me. And thats when I really realized that he was using me the whole time. This morning, someone called his wife and told her the whole thing. No, it wasnt me, although it should have been. I turned my phone on after testing to find the message "what the f*** have you done". Two sentences later, he told me that we are finished and never to contact him again. What I find most remarkable is that this is the first day in the whole almost two years that I haven't cried at all. I don't know what I feel yet honestly. 1
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Wow... I'm relieved for you. But sorry as well. Sorry you had to go through this experience and have it end like this, I guess. I've read a bit of your story over the the last few weeks / month or so, and I was always waiting to HOPEFULLY hear some happy news that he HAD committed to coming to your graduation and to being there for you like you wanted him to be. But no. Hmm. Well...ok. He's content with his life the way it is. He enjoyed having you around as well, but you need more, and you SHOULD have that...but just not with him, it seems. And crying everyday for 2 years in that affair? NOT GOOD, my friend. It's an emotional roller coaster and prone to a billion heartaches, tears and stress. At least you're off it now. Please also know that his lack of total commitment to you, and his lack of wanting to be with you as much as you wanted to be with him, is NOT about you. It doesn't reflect badly on you. It is ALL about him. I hope you know you really do deserve to have everything you want. 3
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 So much seems like its happened in the last week or two. On the 22nd, MM spent part of the day with me. Everything seemed good. We ended having sex and later, as I was getting ready for work and he was getting ready to leave, I told him that we needed to have a serious discussion at my graduation day. He immediately rejected that idea, said we wouldn't talk that day, and that it wasn't going to be a day for tears. I think I had my lightbulb moment right then. The only reason he would say tears is because he knew he would be telling me that he wasnt going to be with me. So, I pushed a little further and told him I thought he was content where he was with things the way they are and that he's never going to leave. He agreed that he was "content". That was it, right there. That was probably the most honest he's ever been with me. And thats when I really realized that he was using me the whole time. This morning, someone called his wife and told her the whole thing. No, it wasnt me, although it should have been. I turned my phone on after testing to find the message "what the f*** have you done". Two sentences later, he told me that we are finished and never to contact him again. What I find most remarkable is that this is the first day in the whole almost two years that I haven't cried at all. I don't know what I feel yet honestly. Relief? It was coming sooner or later, this just sped it along. Focus on your graduation. Don't look back. Do NC now, don't ever call him or email him. IF you feel weak and think you might, post here. Someone must have known you two were having an A, maybe one of her friends or family members saw you two together? Anyway, doesn't matter who told her, its over and now she has the truth to decide what she wants to do. 3
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I've read a bit of your story over the the last few weeks / month or so, and I was always waiting to HOPEFULLY hear some happy news that he HAD committed to coming to your graduation and to being there for you like you wanted him to be. Just to say, if he had come, there would have been many questions as her family and friends haven't met him, don't know anything about him, the fact he's married and also much older than her. That's another kind of drama she wouldn't need on her Grad. Day. 4
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Just to say, if he had come, there would have been many questions as her family and friends haven't met him, don't know anything about him, the fact he's married and also much older than her. That's another kind of drama she wouldn't need on her Grad. Day. You know what? That hope I had of reading a "happy" story about him being there for her and showing up at the graduation came from my own residual feelings for my own ex-MM. Also much older than me. I had this sort of...living vicariously through others thing going on, and if he came through for her, then you know, it'd make me happy. But you're completely right. If he HAD come...what would've happened? Awkwardness? More hiding? Avoiding? Forced ignoring? TEARS, as he said!? A nightmare!! The affair relationship and real life colliding once again. AND afterwards, what would happen? What would change? Nothing. She'd be graduated but still the OW. Ugh. 2
Summer Breeze Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 GSM. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I remember your previous thread and was really worried that your graduation day wouldn't be everything you were dreaming of. I know it won't be now because there will be thoughts of him at every turn but do your best to take it for the accomplishment it is. Celebrate yourself. Let your family and friends gather around you and let them celebrate your achievement. Know he'll be home thinking of you because you know he will be. Now to him. I'm not sure how you came to find out someone had called his W. I'm making the assumption that he told you. If that's the case I think he's done that because he found an 'end'. You said you wanted to talk on grad day and he said no because it wasn't a day for tears. You knew. He knew. It was an end and he took advantage of it. I would bet my bottom dollar there hasn't been a dday. I would bet he's ended things with you and is going on his merry way. I wish I didn't think that but I do. I hope more than anything you can enjoy and celebrate your day. Take care of yourself because at some point the sadness and the anger will hit. Make sure and let us know when you graduate so we can all celebrate with and for you! 3
Author GreySkyMorning Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I know for sure that she was called because I know now who did it. It was someone I know that was tired of watching me get hurt. Apparently, the only reaction she had on the phone was an "ok". I really am trying to focus. It definitely hasn't been easy. We're in the middle of testing this week and next. I have to complete and pass 22 different tests in order to graduate. This morning, it finally hit me. He used to wake me up every morning. I hate alarm clocks so he would text me at 530 every morning. Today it finally hit me that he'd never be doing that again. Please tell me the anger comes soon because today feels like crap.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Btw, he isn't older than me, only by a few years. I'm not sure where that came from. I really hate the timing. There were all these things in his life he was going through and I waited patiently for him to finish them, encouraged him with all of it. He inherited a house and had to pretty much rebuild it. He kept telling me that she wasn't moving with him into it, then of course she did. Then after that, he went to emt school for six months and I even helped him study. Then it was fire dept elections, he just got asst fire chief. I fretted with him all those months. NOW thats time for MY big moment finally, where is he???? I waited for him to get his life straightened out, just like he asked me to do. I stood up for him, supported him, was faithful to him. And now I feel like his trash to throw away.
Ms. Red Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Hi Sky. I'm sorry this is all happening at such a critical time for you. I'll send you some good vibes that you can concentrate on your studies. That has to be difficult. I sure hope to hell that you don't call that person who made that call a "friend". How dare them do this to you at this time. I'd be furious and cut them out of my life. What a cruel thing to do to you in the disguise of caring. I hope he finds out that you didn't make the call. But then again if you never talk to each other again I think you wanted this to end and it's best that it does. It's just bad timing and the way it ended that's bad. One day at a time. Hang in there. I wish you well. 3
imperfectangel Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 No I think her friend did the right thing, a friend isn't someone that kisses ass and tells you what you want to hear all the time The timing may be bad but try to look on graduation as a fresh start your life is your own you don't need to feel obligated to a mm you're free make the most of it 7
Summer Breeze Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I know for sure that she was called because I know now who did it. It was someone I know that was tired of watching me get hurt. Apparently, the only reaction she had on the phone was an "ok". I really am trying to focus. It definitely hasn't been easy. We're in the middle of testing this week and next. I have to complete and pass 22 different tests in order to graduate. This morning, it finally hit me. He used to wake me up every morning. I hate alarm clocks so he would text me at 530 every morning. Today it finally hit me that he'd never be doing that again. Please tell me the anger comes soon because today feels like crap. Thanks for letting me know GSM. I'm really sorry about the timing for you, it can't be easy for you with the stress of finishing up your studies. I have faith that you're strong enough to get through it though. It's really hard when all of a sudden they're gone and along with them the contact you're so used to. Do you know what though? You will get through it. The timing is horrible but is there a good time for something like this to happen? The person who told her did the right thing but maybe at the wrong time for you. I'm really sorry this is happening to you at all let alone at this time. 2
Author GreySkyMorning Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 She did the right thing. I was furious at first, for about an hour. Then I realized she was right. She told me that we both knew what was going to happen on graduation. He would have found a way to not show up and then twist it back on me. I would have spent those two days of celebration as a complete mess. Its gonna be hard, really hard because I know I'm gonna picture him out there in the audience. I'm going to want to share it all with him and I know he's gone for good. I let myself get so isolated during the two years and there's very few people out there now. I really thought he was my best friend. We texted 400-500 times a day. God, do you know what I could have done with that kind of time??? I wasted it on him. I turned down dates with decent men and I pushed people away.
Summer Breeze Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 She did the right thing. I was furious at first, for about an hour. Then I realized she was right. She told me that we both knew what was going to happen on graduation. He would have found a way to not show up and then twist it back on me. I would have spent those two days of celebration as a complete mess. Its gonna be hard, really hard because I know I'm gonna picture him out there in the audience. I'm going to want to share it all with him and I know he's gone for good. I let myself get so isolated during the two years and there's very few people out there now. I really thought he was my best friend. We texted 400-500 times a day. God, do you know what I could have done with that kind of time??? I wasted it on him. I turned down dates with decent men and I pushed people away. And you did it because you loved him and because he was a horses a$$ enough that he spread promises around like chicken feed. You use that time every day now to study. You get through this milestone in your life and you take the time that was his and use it for you. When graduation day comes you look out in the auditorium. Look at the seats and picture him there. Indulge yourself and let yourself have a moment of missing him. Then take a deep breath and close your eyes. Refocus on you and what's happening to you. I have visions of you being my Ds age and my heart is aching for you as it would for her if she were heartbroken. I hope you let your family wrap around you and comfort you through all of this.
JamesM Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 and I know he's gone for good. So if he decides to come back to you after the graduation, what will be your response? My first thought was that he is breaking off now so that he doesn't need to deal with the graduation and meet your family, which would be very awkward. If I were him, then I would do this. You have taken him back in the past. Will you do it again? BTW, if I may be so bold....how old are you? I get that you are not in your 20s, so graduating is a big deal. If this a big step for your future? Would you want him in that future? 1
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm sorry to hear this, but it is far better that it happen now than the deadline you set of graduation. If you want to get angry then just think of how he strung you along after you set the deadline. He knew exactly what he was going to do, but didn't have the gonads to tell you at that time. That is cruel. 3
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think you should focus on making your graduation time the best it can be!!! The timing is rough with finishing your testing, but you can do it. You are about to reach a huge accomplishment in your life and you should be so proud of yourself!!! GREAT job on your graduation!
Author GreySkyMorning Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Doesn't it, though? I would want to know. It was a classmate that has become a good friend. She has picked me up plenty of times when he let me down. She said she couldn't stand the thought of watching me fall apart graduation day knowing what he would do.
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Asst. fire chief at his age? That's odd. Considering your age and you say he is a few years older than you. maybe it's different where you are, but most places, one has to go through the ranks before becoming an asst. fire chief. You sure he's telling you the truth about that? Anyway, your friend had your best interest at heart by telling his wife. She wanted YOUR pain to end, she knew the whole A was just an A and he wasn't going to give up everything, divorce his wife and come to you. Sorry that he led you on so much, and sorry that you believed every word, even though his actions all along the way showed otherwise.. 2
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I see. Well, I think she was way out of line. You're not a child; she's not your mother. I'm inclined to agree actually. 2
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Yeah I find the whole thing odd as well, this isn't a lifelong friend, this isn't a sister or a mom or anyone who MIGHT (and I disagree with this as well) feel that they have some right to interfere on the OP's behalf. This is some important kid filled with the arrogance of thinking she KNOWS what the right way to handle everything is who took matters into her own hands. Shows what kind of busybody she's going to be.. oh wait, she already is. As far as "having her best interests at heart" that might be true, but did this person also call the OPs mom and dad when she saw her not wearing a jacket in the cold or tell her professors when she didn't see the OP studying? I'd believe it was with the OP's best interests at heart if she hadn't set it up so that it would occur mid FINAL TESTING for her. That speaks volumes about how this young "adult" didn't think it through. 2
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Um, I do believe it is for the OP to decide if her friend is "so called" or whether she was "out of line." Certainly not anyone else. I agree with this, but I think that if the "friend" really had the OP's best interests at heart she wouldn't have done it at a time that could backfire on the OP with her schooling. 1
Decorative Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 It doesn't matter who told the truth. It was the truth. We're losing the plot by arguing over whether the friend of GreySky should have told or not. She knew a harm was being done to two women. She helped both women. Seriously. She did. No good comes from secrets. And GreySky can move forward from this toxic mess, and enjoy her hard won success at graduation without this guy dragging her down. The MM and OW that we outed awhile ago in my town? The original person who came to me was a friend of the OW, and I am a friend of the BS. It didn't matter. We had an obligation to tell the truth. 7
Author GreySkyMorning Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I don't think it was out of line. She's been there the whole time. She's seen the damage on my end. No one here is children. I'm 43 yrs old. She's watched him break up with me and come back many times. She did me a huge favor. Call me weak or whatever, but I was never going to be able to walk away completely. Now, there's no choice and honestly, I appreciate that at this point. 6
LFH Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I don't think it was out of line. She's been there the whole time. She's seen the damage on my end. No one here is children. I'm 43 yrs old. She's watched him break up with me and come back many times. She did me a huge favor. Call me weak or whatever, but I was never going to be able to walk away completely. Now, there's no choice and honestly, I appreciate that at this point. I'm glad you are ok with it. I'd not have been. I've cut people out of my life instantly for interfering way less though. I don't like people in my business. How is your testing going? 1
Author GreySkyMorning Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 So if he decides to come back to you after the graduation, what will be your response? My first thought was that he is breaking off now so that he doesn't need to deal with the graduation and meet your family, which would be very awkward. If I were him, then I would do this. You have taken him back in the past. Will you do it again? BTW, if I may be so bold....how old are you? I get that you are not in your 20s, so graduating is a big deal. If this a big step for your future? Would you want him in that future? I'm 43 and yes, this is a huge step for me. This is actually a career change for me. Its been incredibly difficult and scary. I thought I wanted him in that future. I still do but not the man I've seen in the last few weeks. Maybe I'm just now seeing the real him and not the fantasy him. I don't know. I do know him well enough to know that he'll never contact me again.
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