rindeezzy Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 My boyfriend and I were together for a little bit over a year, out of which we lived together for 7 months. He used to run his own restaurant that was opened on his parents money. The restaurant business failed and there was a lot of loss. Then a little bit later I lost my job as well. His parents came back from overseas and asked him to move back home so he can decide what to do with his life, whether to join a family business or find a regular job. When he attempted to tell his mom he is living with the girl ( who she had no idea about), his mom almost had a nervous breakdown and asked him again to move back home. He agreed. He told me that seeing each other everyday with all pressure of finding a job is gonna eventually ruin our relationships. I confronted him few times before, how all our life became routine and he suggested that living apart will bring some excitement in our dating. He told me he needs to find his independent path and earn money himself instead of spending his family fortune while doing something his parents dont approve. He says he loves me and we still see each other every three days. He says living apart is temporary while he finds his path and we ll start a new home together when we ll be ready to make it official. That way his parents wont have anything to say against me and their approval will be guaranteed, since we'd do it "the right way". He says that if we continued living together all he would be concerned about is how bad his parents taking it, and all this stress will overshadow his love for me. He also still helps me to pay for the rent, utilities etc... But somehow I still feel abandoned, I feel like he could have found his path while being with me and I do hate living by myself. I love him and told him i would support him on his decision but deep inside I feel like he chose his parents over me. Do I let him go and move on or I stand by him and take it as a pause on our relationship instead of step back.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 In general, taking steps back instead of forward doesn't work. 3
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 "Step back" as in 'out of the picture' and 'completely off his radar'....? Yes. 'Waiting in the wings' or 'giving him space'....? No.
Author rindeezzy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 ok he tells me that if few months from now, i tell him i hate being alone and without me and its not working out for us, he ll move back home. he tells me he would do anything not to lose me... But that we need to try. Do i become needy plead and beg for him to come back? What if it is for better? what if some step backs are necessary so later on you can jump forward...
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Don't know why you're forcing him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do and feels he has made up his mind...all you're going to do is turn this into a conflict. Think about it, who's been there for him longer and will guaranteed be there in the future for him....you or his parents? A lot of people rebel against their parents authority growing up and feel misunderstood, especially with the high expectations/hopes/dreams that his parents may have placed on his shoulders since they feel he has an opportunity to make a great life for himself and that represents the family in a "respectable" way for them...it's hard for these parents to detach the individual emotions from the overall act and impression it has on the family unit/circle as a whole. I would let this guy go and do what he wants to do...and if you feel that he's detaching the situation is become worse then you need to move on. He's already helping you out with rent and utilities but you seem to be throwing a fit because you want him there and more...which If he's got some important things to resolve, going through a lot of stress and issues he needs to resolve these first before a romantic endeavor, these are very important to a man and from the description of where he stands with his family. I think you're being a bit selfish in this, if you love him let him go...just don't think about you. If you truly love him and trust then support him in what he has to do...even if it doesn't result in being with you. That's what you would want for him if you really do care about him. You've only been together a year...I'm sorry but you're just a drop in the bucket of life, and by no means should he be choosing you over his parents IMO when he feels he needs something out of this too...this is more than about you and your relationship, this is something he needs to do to resolve things within himself and come to some peace and compromise with his family...who will likely always be apart of his life and seem to be a big part of it now. I don't think he has the mind or emotional clarity with everything going on and the pressure he must feel to put this relationship first...especially after just one year, that to me is still very much the beginning phase. Even if he lived with you, I doubt he'd be very focused and concentrated on the relationship or truly invested, he's not there yet with himself. Hopefully he moves on and makes the right decisions for himself...instead of give in to the pressure and guilt that you may make him feel for the sake of your "love"...love comes and goes but family will be around forever...and this is coming from a guy who's not even close to his but I know he's making the right decision for himself if he truly feels inside this is what he must do, he shouldn't let you convince him of it and you should realize that you need to back off and let this man do if you think he's a good man and trying to compromise with his family. The relationship is likely over, things don't recover without a lot of work...and even then, it's usually such a battle I think the damage in doing so is more bad than good. I don't think you guys understand each other and have good compatibility in terms of communication and similar values.
ja123 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Pardon me, but upon reading your post, I couldn't help but think that this man might be of Greek heritage. I dated a Greek, and those family ties and values are very deeply ingrained. There are good parts to that, but bad parts, too. When isn't there with anything? Ultimately, as Ninja said, he's got to come to terms with all of that within himself. I expect he's young, and won't be ready to settle down for a LTR leading to marriage, until he's got his work situation sorted out. Then his parents are probably going to want him to marry someone from the same cultural background. That'll give him something else he'll have to work out.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 ok he tells me that if few months from now, i tell him i hate being alone and without me and its not working out for us, he ll move back home. I wouldn't believe this for a second. This is appeasing comfort talk. But it's completely dishonest. he tells me he would do anything not to lose me... But that we need to try. In that case, he wouldn't be going, and trying wouldn't even be an option.... Do i become needy plead and beg for him to come back? This isn't a serious question, is it? Really, 'needy'....? Please... What if it is for better? Well then, no contest. It wasn't meant to be.... what if some step backs are necessary so later on you can jump forward... What if, what if, what if...this is grasping at straws? I'm sorry hun, but it's time you took this on the chin. This is not a 'happening thing' and there is no "we" in saving the relationship. Because he's already stepped out of it.... He won't be doing anything to save it.
veggirl Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 This relationship is over, he is just too much of a WUSS to properly end things. see each other every 3 days? I'd tell him to kick rocks, ES is right relationships dont move forward by going backward! I can't even fathom moving in with a guy who is too much of a baby to tell his family he is living with me. That is sooo disrespectful to you.
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