TaraMaiden Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 A word of caution: be careful about reaching a state where both of you get sick and tired of discussion... occasionally, 'Hyper-analysis causes Paralysis' This is one of the areas where my ex-H and I realised we had 'over-done' it. We discussed everything so much, so fairly, so evenly, so 'down the middle' - that we lost sight of the fact that - actually? We no longer had a marriage. But we were so logical about everything, accepting responsibility for our own contributions, acknowledging each others' good characteristics, citing our joint strong points - that we failed to see the obvious sitting right in front of us: we no longer loved one another. Not in the sense required to make staying together meaningful or fulfilling. And this was a 26-year marriage, and precisely because we DID seem to be the epitome of the perfect family (honestly, we did!) it came as a total shock to everyone when it all fell apart. Enough of me.... But that's just to explain that the old adage about crocodiles and swamp, has a point.... "The objective of all dedicated employees is to thoroughly analyse all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp." 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 As always Tara - you got some bit of wisdom that I barely even considered. Thank you for your advice - I can totally see what you're saying - now that you've said it It makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I hate relationships!! They are hard to figure out. I just wish that we can just be and it would all work - but the thing is, everyone says relationships take work and relationships take compromise and figuring out and it all just seems so exhausting when I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing. I wish that we could just be - and it would all work out.
TaraMaiden Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Oh goodness, yes.... You and me baby we ain't nothin' but mammals So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel Would that we could..... Sometimes we need things to be the way we dream about - but at other times, the effort is so overwhelming, oh for god's sake.....we exhaust ourselves via our own intellectual superiority. It's like the much-misunderstood quotation from Kipling: "A woman is only a woman - But a good cigar is a smoke." A woman can only be what she is: Complicated, beautiful, desirable, infatuating, infuriating and wonderfully complex - never the same two days running. But a cigar is exactly that. A cigar. You light it, smoke it, savour it and enjoy it while it lasts. There are plenty more in the box.... If only the whole of life were that simple.... Oh by the way - HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY LADIES!! 1
veggirl Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Good luck! If I was you, I would have a plan on actual actions to improve things. A lot of people say "we are going to try" but nothing changes because...no one does anything differently. What kind of stuff did you feel created distance? You said you both continued to kinda live your separate lives, just under one roof, can you give a couple examples? What I'm thinking is stuff like....well, in my own relationship (we just moved in 2 wks ago!) my bf wants to join a softball team. I hate softball and am certainly not going to join but I was planning on going with him to watch. Maybe thats the kinda stuff you both need to start doing to support one another / feel more part of each others lives/hobbies? 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Oh goodness, yes.... Would that we could..... Sometimes we need things to be the way we dream about - but at other times, the effort is so overwhelming, oh for god's sake.....we exhaust ourselves via our own intellectual superiority. It's like the much-misunderstood quotation from Kipling: "A woman is only a woman - But a good cigar is a smoke." A woman can only be what she is: Complicated, beautiful, desirable, infatuating, infuriating and wonderfully complex - never the same two days running. But a cigar is exactly that. A cigar. You light it, smoke it, savour it and enjoy it while it lasts. There are plenty more in the box.... If only the whole of life were that simple.... Oh by the way - HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY LADIES!! Thanks for making me laugh with that 'Discovery channel" quote. Wish a lot of things were simpler - but such is life.... Happy International Women's Day to you! You sure are one AWESOME Lady
Author TigerCub Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) Good luck! If I was you, I would have a plan on actual actions to improve things. A lot of people say "we are going to try" but nothing changes because...no one does anything differently. Thanks Veggirl Yeah we touched on some things when we had our discussion but we certainly did not make any real plans and it was because we were having so many talks during that week - but this weekend we are going to write down specific things we want to do that are meant to try and fix the issues that we have. What kind of stuff did you feel created distance? You said you both continued to kinda live your separate lives, just under one roof, can you give a couple examples? What I'm thinking is stuff like....well, in my own relationship (we just moved in 2 wks ago!) my bf wants to join a softball team. I hate softball and am certainly not going to join but I was planning on going with him to watch. Maybe thats the kinda stuff you both need to start doing to support one another / feel more part of each others lives/hobbies? I think it is because we lived on our own for a long time and so when we lived together we were living kind of our lives as it was just in the same house. A typical day: - get ready for work - go to work - come back - sometimes have dinner together, sometimes either he or I ate late in the day so not hungry so we just sit together, but, not every single day. - he goes to his "geek room" and surfs the net or works on his music - I watch a little tv, then exercise (a few days a week) - Sometimes I go out for drinks with friends, or just have other plans with friends - before bed I read, the we might watch a show that we watch together - sometimes there is sex, others not (we had more sex when I initially moved in, near the last month when all the problems were being felt by both of us - it dwindled). Sex used to be more spontaneous and frequent and I just feel like we are becoming my worst nightmare (the "married" couple that are disconnecting and losing that passion) - but now that I know about how he was feeling there are problems too - I think that would explain the drop off. - Weekends are a bit more "us", we go out sometimes and have date nights, but lately it has been his busy season at work so we don't do that as much. We talked about wanting to have an activity that we do together, like maybe taking a class (art, or cooking, etc.) together and make that our activity. Now that we're heading more into spring and summer I think it will be more outdoorsy things and we can do hikes and other stuff together more... I honestly don't know - we don't have shared activities. My own activity is pole dancing classes (which I am not constantly in - I take months in between sometimes)- so it's not like he can join me in those and he doesn't really have outside activities - he does his own thing at home (working on music, he's building an arcade) those seem like personal on your own activities to me - so I just try to give him the space to do them. I don't wanna bug him. Sorry I wrote a lot, but wanted to tell you what it is like... Good luck to you and your bf. I wish you lots of happiness Edited March 8, 2013 by TigerCub 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Tigercub, my boyfriend and I are vastly different in some major ways, yet we communicate any off feelings we may feel about any given situation. You may find these to be deal breakers or things that would come between two people: - I love reading/studying in a classroom, college setting/ - He HATES reading. He cannot spell and never reads at all. -I am getting a degree, and even aspire to doing further part time study while I work the job I get once I achieve my degree. - He is a truck driver who is going to get into escavating ( and end up earning a whole lot more than I will earn as a 40 -50K social worker) -my friends are either at college, or they have finished. I still have friends without degrees, but they are very ambitious within their jobs, and have as strong enough sense of self; we have plenty to talk about. -my boyfriend has no real life friends who have a degree or who have studied higher than the last year of high school; although, when travelling the world, he tends to meet and party/get along with college graduates, but I wonder how much they would get along in real life, without the partying and adventurous attitude in common? ............................... What we have in common that makes us have a huge sense of wanting to keep one another as a main fixture in each others lives? Well, neither of us are the types to want a relationship or children (when we are single) so it is not because we hate being single; we would rather be alone then with a person who is not totally unique/awesome, and who makes our lives significantly better. The thing about him is: he is so curious about the world, he loves war and history, and our favourite thing to do, besides travelling the world and partying and exploring without having to work the next day is: watching space documentaries together. We also love any other type of documentary. We found a common thread, despite the fact that our academic style differs so greatly. We have honestly overcome every issue possible; I was anorexic and totally socially weird when we both met. He thought I was totally weird, and we both wanted to be single; we hated the idea of a relationship. Every odd was against us really, but we had a funny feeling about each other, and we were somehow compelled to make things work. I think it comes down to how invested you are, and how compelled you are to stay together and work things out, opposed to walk away. We tend to not have unresolved issues, which is something you mentioned you two suffered from, and are now working towards fixing? Let us know if you have any breakthroughs! Good or bad.
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