Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 Why does your having to move out = break up? Can't you still 'move out' and still give it one more shot? Counselling? Therapy? Why do you have to be under one roof to make it work? I thought about that... but it is because we were together for almost 2 years and it was the moving in that was a sign of moving forward. Our problem with the relationship really became more evident when we moved in together (that's when the distance issue arose for both of us) so even if I moved out and we still dated, we would still be in the same spot if we live together again.
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 "Well I am really glad that you tried, and that you guys seem to be on the same page. About you going to him to talk you shouldn’t feel bad about that, and you shouldn’t judge yourself harshly for it either. From what you told me, he did come to you first so you going to him now, doesn’t mean that you gave up anything or that you went to him first, you just took your time responding ;p And sometimes in relationships if you really love the person, sometimes you just gotta be the one to make it work I told you, [her husband] and I used to play that holding out game, but when you’re both stubborn it could be weeks before its resolved and that doesn’t feel good. Sometimes I think our pride (not that we shouldn’t have any) can get in the way of our happiness. So don’t let it cloud your judgment, if you guys are both feeling the same way, and love each other, don’t let the fact that you went to him, get in the way of your happiness, I understand that he hurt you, but I am sure you have hurt him too, Like [her husband] and I have hurt each other, and broke each other’s hearts so many times, but a decade together, I guess it’s inevitable to have those ups and downs, as long as you love and respect each other, then it will all work out; and it will make you a stronger couple." There is a lot of sense in what she says to me. I see things in a more forgiving light when I talk to her, How many of you would agree with what she says?
weallfalldown Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Just think of the next big lightning bolt.....when you look into the now unknowns eyes and you feel that radiation of connection and chemical buzzz Feel the electric ...... 1
Lost Fish Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Dear TigerCub, First off. YOU AREN'T PSYCHO! You need to know that your feelings and your confusion are ok, I am glad your sister is there to help you see things in that more forgiving light. Also, just because you and him might not share the same interests and things, doesn't mean you can't be good companions. If I were you, I would probably sign that lease and really work on my own independence. Work on forgiving yourself over the drama that has occurred. And forgiving him as well. From what you have revealed today, maybe he is worth another chance. But you are enduring a lot of intense and powerful emotions and that is clouding your thinking (but you still aren't psycho darlin, honestly). You really show a lot of maturity about all of this and you are taking the right steps by going to your support with your sister and working through your own emotions by posting here. Start being good to yourself. Start forgiving yourself. Reconnect with the things you love in life outside of the relationship. Then you will start to reconnect to your old self and your old connection to him. Like TaraMaiden said, you don't need to go to any extremes and make any declarations like this is the final ultimate end. Have patience with yourself. You're getting there. I feel for you because I can feel the intensity of your emotional state right now. Sending you ***HUGS*** too. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 The questions you have to ask yourself are: "Where is my limit?" "How much more can I reasonably tolerate?" "How much more should I be expected to tolerate?" "Why?"
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 Dear TigerCub, First off. YOU AREN'T PSYCHO! You need to know that your feelings and your confusion are ok, I am glad your sister is there to help you see things in that more forgiving light. Also, just because you and him might not share the same interests and things, doesn't mean you can't be good companions. If I were you, I would probably sign that lease and really work on my own independence. Work on forgiving yourself over the drama that has occurred. And forgiving him as well. From what you have revealed today, maybe he is worth another chance. But you are enduring a lot of intense and powerful emotions and that is clouding your thinking (but you still aren't psycho darlin, honestly). You really show a lot of maturity about all of this and you are taking the right steps by going to your support with your sister and working through your own emotions by posting here. Start being good to yourself. Start forgiving yourself. Reconnect with the things you love in life outside of the relationship. Then you will start to reconnect to your old self and your old connection to him. Like TaraMaiden said, you don't need to go to any extremes and make any declarations like this is the final ultimate end. Have patience with yourself. You're getting there. I feel for you because I can feel the intensity of your emotional state right now. Sending you ***HUGS*** too. Hey LF, Thanks for reading that huge update post. I appreciate your advice greatly! The thing is - I moved in with him in October, so it's been just short of 6 months. Before that - I was living on my own for about 10 years. The moving in was tough because I was giving up that life style. It's not like I moved in and lost my independance and all my "me" activities. If anything, I think that's the problem with us right now. We lived together but still kinda lived our single routine in the same house - and I think that's why we both felt that we were losing our connection (which ironically, we didn't sense that when we lived on our own). That's why I think that if we were to make another go of it, we should do it while living together because that's where the challenges popped up. That's where we need to make the changes and build it stronger. I do think that if I moved out and got my own place (I sure do living the single life) and we would just be back to when we dated but didn't live together and all those issues would go away, only to resurface if we try to live together again.... So might as well just work at it now. Thanks for getting me - you're super sweet
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 The questions you have to ask yourself are: "Where is my limit?" My limit has always been at being disrespected or treated badly "How much more can I reasonably tolerate?" Since I don't think him saying he thinks we should break up as anything disrespectful - it is hurtful. But I think my reasonable (more than fair) answer is that if he says that one more time, I will be gone for sure - no exceptions, no excuses no nothing. And that's what I told him yesterday. "How much more should I be expected to tolerate?" As far as that issue is concerned I think I've tolerated way more than is deserved (even if he is a nice guy) and that's why I have that it of conflict in my heart - There is no more to tolerate when it comes to that. "Why?" I love him. Good guys are hard to find. I think if we work at it and communicate better we could turn something that is (mostly) good into something great. I also think that giving it this last chance is also more for my state of mind - so that if it fails later, I can leave with a clear conscious that I really truly went above and beyond to give it a shot.
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 It's not like I moved in and lost my independance and all my "me" activities. Ooopsie...I meant independence
Compromize Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I feel for you TigerCub and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Why couldn't I have fallen in love with one the many emotionally available and intelligently beautiful women like all of you on here instead of the wrong woman? Just wanted to tell you that as a man I am feeling the pain of losing my woman to the core and have went through her telling me she wanted to break up after a disagreement to which I would tell her no, you are not getting rid of me that easily and later she would tell me she was so sorry and we would be better for a while. It sucked. It hurt and we should not have to chase someone all over the damn place! If they are not content with us and just enjoing being together and that life is not always roses (but not always arguments either!) but it shouldn't be so hard to get someone to stay. I like the post on how much are can you take and are willing to take. It sounds like you are not to that point yet but I understand that wanting to try because you feel they are worth it. But is it worth it if they don't want to try? Have you always been the chaser like I have been for most of the relationship? I know I am done chasing the wrong woman. It's making me all kinds of tired and I want to save my energy for the right woman I applaude your effort and wish my ex-GF was more like you willing to go the distance, we never made it to living together after 3+ years but being married before I understand the living together but living seperate lives, it's what started to be the end of my marriage. Well I am rooting for you and you sound like quite a catch so I hope he wises up right away and treats you like you deserve and we never see you on here again because you are too busy being happy! 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I feel for you TigerCub and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Why couldn't I have fallen in love with one the many emotionally available and intelligently beautiful women like all of you on here instead of the wrong woman? Just wanted to tell you that as a man I am feeling the pain of losing my woman to the core and have went through her telling me she wanted to break up after a disagreement to which I would tell her no, you are not getting rid of me that easily and later she would tell me she was so sorry and we would be better for a while. It sucked. It hurt and we should not have to chase someone all over the damn place! If they are not content with us and just enjoing being together and that life is not always roses (but not always arguments either!) but it shouldn't be so hard to get someone to stay. Aaaww thanks for the all the nice things you said Compromize. And I am really sorry that you have been hurt so badly I think it is sad that your gf did that to you, but honestly I don't think anyone should ever say "no, we can't break up" or plead with someone to make them stay. That is something I have never done with anyone, even this boyfriend. When he had said that before I always said "ok, you're free". It hurt but I really don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I'd never want that and I think you deserve so much more than that - everyone does. I like the post on how much are can you take and are willing to take. It sounds like you are not to that point yet but I understand that wanting to try because you feel they are worth it. But is it worth it if they don't want to try? Have you always been the chaser like I have been for most of the relationship? I know I am done chasing the wrong woman. It's making me all kinds of tired and I want to save my energy for the right woman Maybe I am crazy or seeing something that isn't the truth - But don't think of myself as the chaser. He wanted the relationship He wanted to be exclusive before I wanted it He's the one that comes back right the next second after I say "ok, you can go". Don't get me wrong what he does is very hurtful, but I don't feel like I've ever really chased him. Maybe because I talked to him last that that seems like an attempt to chase and maybe that's why I felt a bit gross doing it (a part of me did anyways), but I think that was only because he tried to talk to me before that and was saying how he's regretting what he said and how he wanted us to still be together. I dunno... If you see it a different way, please feel free to tell me, I'd love to see things from an objective point. I applaude your effort and wish my ex-GF was more like you willing to go the distance, we never made it to living together after 3+ years but being married before I understand the living together but living seperate lives, it's what started to be the end of my marriage. It does hurt to think that the person we are with has their doubts (even if we do sometimes ) - yeah it hurts. But I think because I see more good in him that bad and because he does treat me really really well (except for those incidents) that it was worth really trying 1 more time - but I do know my limits and I will not put up with that anymore, so if we get it right, great - if not, then there are no more chances - that's it. Well I am rooting for you and you sound like quite a catch so I hope he wises up right away and treats you like you deserve and we never see you on here again because you are too busy being happy! Thank you Compromize I'm rooting for you too, and I hope that you will find someone that will appreciate you and be willing to work on the relationship with you. I'm sorry for you hurt, but I know you can get past it - we all can
Author TigerCub Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I think you should let him go. Can you expand on that? I mean I understand what the words mean, but do you really think that if a relationship is mostly good it is still not worth 1 more try? It's not like we have infidelity or abuse or alcoholism/drug abuse issues - or any of those major relationship problems, I think that's what makes me think "our relationship is mostly good, we don't really know how to communicate well, we will work on that and get better and neither one of us had many long term relationships, so it is still a learning experience for us - we don't know what 'normal' is and I don't think there is a 'normal' and so in the end, as far as relationships go, it's not a bad one, it can become good again" I dunno, that's my thinking. I know you think I'm wrong - I'd really love to hear what your thoughts are. Thanks
Art_Critic Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Hi TC... I'm so sorry.. Breakups Suck, it is good you are acknowledging the hurt, it will help you heal.. I had actually written a letter to him and saved it in my drafts email box Does he have your email password ?.. if he does he may have read that email a month ago, maybe pulling away as a protection mechanism. 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) Hi TC... I'm so sorry.. Breakups Suck, it is good you are acknowledging the hurt, it will help you heal.. Does he have your email password ?.. if he does he may have read that email a month ago, maybe pulling away as a protection mechanism. Thanks for the support AC, it means a lot. That's a good question - but no, he doesn't have my email password. I'm 99.9% sure. We decided to give things one more chance but now other posters are magnifying what doubt I already had. I hate this!! I'm so unsure about everything. Edited March 7, 2013 by TigerCub
melodymatters Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Nah, don't do that TC. Only YOU are in this relationship in RL, don't let other people's projections tamper with your own gut instinct. Besides, studies show that we regret the chances we DIDN'T take more than the ones we did. I truly believe that and have seen it in my own life. So, in this case, sure, you could leave now, but you'll always wonder. Whereas if you take the chance ( and heck, you're already there, in the apt, and in the R anyway) and it doesn't work out, hopefully you will be able to walk away with no regrets, knowing you gave it your all ! Just put a private mental time limit on it, so you don't waste endless years...THAT, you might regret ! 1
Art_Critic Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Nah, don't do that TC. Only YOU are in this relationship in RL, don't let other people's projections tamper with your own gut instinct. Besides, studies show that we regret the chances we DIDN'T take more than the ones we did. I truly believe that and have seen it in my own life. So, in this case, sure, you could leave now, but you'll always wonder. Whereas if you take the chance ( and heck, you're already there, in the apt, and in the R anyway) and it doesn't work out, hopefully you will be able to walk away with no regrets, knowing you gave it your all ! Just put a private mental time limit on it, so you don't waste endless years...THAT, you might regret ! Great Post MM !!!! 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Nah, don't do that TC. Only YOU are in this relationship in RL, don't let other people's projections tamper with your own gut instinct. Besides, studies show that we regret the chances we DIDN'T take more than the ones we did. I truly believe that and have seen it in my own life. So, in this case, sure, you could leave now, but you'll always wonder. Whereas if you take the chance ( and heck, you're already there, in the apt, and in the R anyway) and it doesn't work out, hopefully you will be able to walk away with no regrets, knowing you gave it your all ! Just put a private mental time limit on it, so you don't waste endless years...THAT, you might regret ! Thanks MM - that was a very thoughtful post. You make a lot of sense. Funny enough - when my bf and I were talking the other day (that discussion I brought up), he actually asked me if I regret the time we spent together, I said "no" and he said that he didn't at all. He also brought up that he read somewhere that when people talk about their regrets it is usually in relation to regretting not doing something. Funny that you mentioned that too. Thank you for encouragement and support. It really is helping me a lot through this. Also, good point on setting the mental time line (time limit). I have thought of that. While I don't mean to rush things and have unrealistic expectations, I do expect change and progress and us putting a lot of effort into it and I think that if I don't see that gradually, then I will reassess the situation. I'm thinking 6 months. I'm hoping and going to work on the minor noticeable changes sooner, but if in 6 months there is still distance issues and happiness isn't going up for us, then it will be time to move on.
emmalynro Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 If both of you want to work on this relationship, then DO IT! You should be happy to know you're both on the same page. Try to identify what went wrong and come up with an action plan to prevent it from happening again. Your own instincts---give it a try for six months and see---seems extremely wise. You will be able to tell if things aren't working and you'll have better perspective for making a decision. 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 If both of you want to work on this relationship, then DO IT! You should be happy to know you're both on the same page. Try to identify what went wrong and come up with an action plan to prevent it from happening again. Your own instincts---give it a try for six months and see---seems extremely wise. You will be able to tell if things aren't working and you'll have better perspective for making a decision. Thank you Emma At times like this when there is so much emotion and so much confusion, it helps to get other people's perspectives. So thank you very much! Yeah, as for the 6 months, I figure it would be sufficient time to evaluate how we're doing. I don't expect that everything will be awesome and smooth sailing from then on - but I think it is a good enough chunk of time to see that we are making progress and communicating better and connecting better. Thanks again
tuxedo cat Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) Can you expand on that? I mean I understand what the words mean, but do you really think that if a relationship is mostly good it is still not worth 1 more try? It's not like we have infidelity or abuse or alcoholism/drug abuse issues - or any of those major relationship problems, I think that's what makes me think "our relationship is mostly good, we don't really know how to communicate well, we will work on that and get better and neither one of us had many long term relationships, so it is still a learning experience for us - we don't know what 'normal' is and I don't think there is a 'normal' and so in the end, as far as relationships go, it's not a bad one, it can become good again" I dunno, that's my thinking. I know you think I'm wrong - I'd really love to hear what your thoughts are. Thanks I can't remember where I read this but just because a relationship isn't some crazy drama filled factory doesn't mean you aren't allowed to break up. A relationship doesn't even need to be "bad" to be worth ending. The bottom line is whether it makes you happy, and it sounds like it doesn't from what you've written in this thread. You shouldn't measure whether it makes you happy against some yardstick of badness -- well he's not cheating on me, so it must be okay, right? You said earlier in the thread that this decision is probably for the best, that you have a number of major problems with the relationship that you had written down, that he's threatened to leave you on several other occasions. And it sounds like the problems boil down to core compatibility ones -- poor communication, lack of common interests, inability to connect. Sure you can try to work on them but I don't feel confident they will change since they're not really surface problems. It would be one thing if you guys were married with kids but I don't think it's worth the trouble since I am CERTAIN you could find a boyfriend who was compatible with you in these ways. Another great bit of advice I've heard from others is to judge the relationship by how it is now, not how you hope it could be. Only you can be the judge of whether you're happy with your boyfriend. Edited March 7, 2013 by tuxedo cat 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I can't remember where I read this but just because a relationship isn't some crazy drama filled factory doesn't mean you aren't allowed to break up. A relationship doesn't even need to be "bad" to be worth ending. The bottom line is whether it makes you happy, and it sounds like it doesn't from what you've written in this thread. You shouldn't measure whether it makes you happy against some yardstick of badness -- well he's not cheating on me, so it must be okay, right? You said earlier in the thread that this decision is probably for the best, that you have a number of major problems with the relationship that you had written down, that he's threatened to leave you on several other occasions. And it sounds like the problems boil down to core compatibility ones -- poor communication, lack of common interests, inability to connect. Sure you can try to work on them but I don't feel confident they will change since they're not really surface problems. It would be one thing if you guys were married with kids but I don't think it's worth the trouble since I am CERTAIN you could find a boyfriend who was compatible with you in these ways. Another great bit of advice I've heard from others is to judge the relationship by how it is now, not how you hope it could be. Only you can be the judge of whether you're happy with your boyfriend. Thanks so much for putting thought into the reply. I admit that yeah at times I worried and worry about our differences and how we don't instinctively like exactly the same things, but sometimes I see it as a good thing because his different interests introduced me to things I didn't usually do and I think that's good. But I totally see what you're saying and there is a lot of truth to it. Wow you said a lot of things that make sense and you made some good points. I think even if in the next few months I see that we just don't work, I still wouldn't regret trying. Thanks for your feedback, you bring a lot of those things that I thought about before back to the surface - It is good to see things from all angles.
tuxedo cat Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Thanks so much for putting thought into the reply. I admit that yeah at times I worried and worry about our differences and how we don't instinctively like exactly the same things, but sometimes I see it as a good thing because his different interests introduced me to things I didn't usually do and I think that's good. But I totally see what you're saying and there is a lot of truth to it. Wow you said a lot of things that make sense and you made some good points. I think even if in the next few months I see that we just don't work, I still wouldn't regret trying. Thanks for your feedback, you bring a lot of those things that I thought about before back to the surface - It is good to see things from all angles. No problem. You seem like a really cool woman, and I wish you all the best luck! 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 No problem. You seem like a really cool woman, and I wish you all the best luck! Thanks for the sweet words ***HUGS***
Leigh 87 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I am so sorry to hear about the pain you have been going through. I am glad you have decided that the love you feel for each other is worth one last shot. There is only so much you can take from this guy, and I expect you will be a little afraid and on edge regarding the relationship, due to the fact he pulled this cr@P on you before, and may potentially do it again. I really think it would be a good idea to give it some time before you can expect to feel totally safe and secure again. My own boyfriend is needing to feel secure and safe that I will remain a stable and peaceful women to be around, after my mental illness caused such conflicted and confused moods on my part, that were often very grumpy and stressed him out.... It will take time to trust that he will come and talk to you first, before deciding to end the relationship, thus taking away something from instead of giving you a CHOICE (to work on things first and break up as a last resort) He needs to prove he will not just leave when things get very difficult. He must have let things build up. Obviously you need to be entirely honest with each other more regularly! The email you never sent him? Perhaps you two should learn better communication? I am just making assumptions here based on what you have written about your relationship - I could be wrong! GOOD LUCK tiger club! Man, your relationship and who you are as a person, has always sounded so...sensible and like you know what you want, and that you will never tolerate sh*t from people. I always thought " wow, she must have a nice boyfriend then, since she would not put up with anything less" Let us know if things work out in the end! 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 I am so sorry to hear about the pain you have been going through. I am glad you have decided that the love you feel for each other is worth one last shot. There is only so much you can take from this guy, and I expect you will be a little afraid and on edge regarding the relationship, due to the fact he pulled this cr@P on you before, and may potentially do it again. I really think it would be a good idea to give it some time before you can expect to feel totally safe and secure again. My own boyfriend is needing to feel secure and safe that I will remain a stable and peaceful women to be around, after my mental illness caused such conflicted and confused moods on my part, that were often very grumpy and stressed him out.... It will take time to trust that he will come and talk to you first, before deciding to end the relationship, thus taking away something from instead of giving you a CHOICE (to work on things first and break up as a last resort) He needs to prove he will not just leave when things get very difficult. Thanks Leigh You are right that I have lost some faith in him because it seems like he's a quick giver upper. Funny thing is I am more worried about me disconnecting from him than I am worried about him coming to me. I know that we have to communicate better - and he knows that too. I know that we MUST work on that and improve that if we want a chance at all - but I also know that because he's done this before, everytime he does it, I disconnect from him a little more because at the end I have to be ok without him and so I am really of the state of mind of "ok, go" I don't really care as much as I should in that regard. I do love him but I have disconnected from him. Knowing that - I know that I will have to work on that or else we wouldn't have a chance of making it. So that is my biggest concern, but I will try to just concentrate on the NOW and see how we do. He must have let things build up. Obviously you need to be entirely honest with each other more regularly! The email you never sent him? Perhaps you two should learn better communication? I am just making assumptions here based on what you have written about your relationship - I could be wrong! You're not wrong at all - we do have to talk more clearly and we have to be more open with one another - he felt the disconnect and didn't say anything, I felt the disconnect and tried to bring up a few things here and there to fix them as we go, but that was it - we still weren't being all that open with one another and I agree that we MUST be a lot better with that this time around. GOOD LUCK tiger club! Thanks sweetie and I wish you luck with your boyfriend. May I ask what you guys are doing to build his trust more and make him feel more secure in the relationship? How is your health now? I truly hope that you are feeling much better Man, your relationship and who you are as a person, has always sounded so...sensible and like you know what you want, and that you will never tolerate sh*t from people. I always thought " wow, she must have a nice boyfriend then, since she would not put up with anything less" Let us know if things work out in the end! hehe, I don't put up with crap and he is a really good guy that treats me so well - he just doesn't know how to express things until they blow up in his mind and he over reacts. It is a ****ty way to go and that's why that there is only this one last chance being given. He told me how he wants to go to therapy and give it a real chance this time. He tried to go to therapy once before but didn't stick with it - now he is more motivated to put in the effort and stuff, and so we'll see how that goes. Thanks again for your support and input. It is very much appreciated
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