TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm heartbroken. We broke up last Monday. Since I live with him, it's been weird. I'm gonna get an Apartment for the 1st of next Month. He's understanding and apologetic that I made all these changes to move in with him and not even 6 months later we are breaking up. I love him, I'm hurting. Nothing major happened to lead to the break up We just had an argument and through talking about things I asked if he wanted to break up - he said 'I don't know, maybe" He's done this before where he says he's unsure about us and he doesn't know if we are compatible enough, and everytime, I say "ok, if you want to go, I wont beg you to stay - I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me" and every time, he comes back right away to say that he just needed to think things out and blah blah.. But 3 strikes and you're out - when he does that, how can I feel secure in our relationship? If he acts like he can take me or leave me so easily?! Anyways, we're done. I know that i wont feel it until we physically separate and that's why I'm getting my own place and hoping to grieve and move on. we came so close to getting it right and it makes me sad that we couldn't. He asked more than once if there is anything he can do or say to change things, and how he just wishes that he never said it - but I think deep down he feels that I'm not the one for him, and that's ok. I want him to be free to find someone who is. I'm really hurting now, but I know that I'm strong and I will move on and I will be ok - it's just that right now all I want to do it hold him and cry, and I just can't do that .. (well the hold him part) Anyways, just wanted to get that out of my system to make it more real.
2sure Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Oh, this makes me sad for you. I get it, it hurts. You're doing the right thing the right way. That's always hardest. 2
Author TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Right now I feel like I need all the support I can get, your support means a lot. Thanks 2Sure
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. You're right - '3 strikes' is out for good. Keep strong, and keep posting dearest. Felling it for you. Completely inadequate, I know. But (((Hugs)))...... 3
Author TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Aaaaw Tara, thank you so much for that super sweet reply. And for the record, the hug made a difference Going to try & get some sleep soon. Hopefully this night will have less tears than the one before it. Tomorrow I'm going to look @ the apartment I have in mind, and hopefully it will be all good so that I can sign the lease for it.
2sure Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I've signed many of them and know that signing a new loose can be symbolic for many good things.
Author TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I've signed many of them and know that signing a new loose can be symbolic for many good things. Yeah, I've only been "domesticated"(co-habitating) for a few months, and so I still remember the awesomeness of single living, so that part I'm sure will be awesome once I'm past the breakup hurt and moving on. I also wanted to buy a place but since I REALLY need to be on my on now, I figure the year lease will give me the chance I'd need to save up a bit more and really shop around for a place I'd like to buy. I'm really trying to focus on the good things ahead, but right now it is a bit hard to maintain the positive outlook, but I will keep trying.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Felling it for you. 'FEELING' not 'felling' - ! I've signed many of them and know that signing a new loose can be symbolic for many good things. 'LEASE' not 'loose'.....! What are we like - ?! Buona nuova firma Grazie, tesoro! 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 'FEELING' not 'felling' - ! 'LEASE' not 'loose'.....! What are we like - ?! Grazie, tesoro! Haha -although I'm usually a stickler when it comes to these things...I got the messages loud & clear and they meant a lot.
Author TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 During times like this I hate waking up. I takes so long and many tears to finally fall asleep and then I wake up and for a few milliseconds I'm ok until I remember everything and realize that 'oh yeah we broke up. Oh yeah my heart is broken, oh yeah, everything sucks ass right now' why am I the one that's physically clearly shaken and hurt and upset by all this and he's not? He cried the first 2 nights we talked, then that was it - he's ok now.... UGH!! I don't mean that I want him to suffer and be in pain like I am - I just wish I can put this aside and still function like a guy can. Damn my stupid emotions!!
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 During times like this I hate waking up. I takes so long and many tears to finally fall asleep and then I wake up and for a few milliseconds I'm ok until I remember everything and realize that 'oh yeah we broke up. Oh yeah my heart is broken, oh yeah, everything sucks ass right now' why am I the one that's physically clearly shaken and hurt and upset by all this and he's not? He cried the first 2 nights we talked, then that was it - he's ok now.... UGH!! I don't mean that I want him to suffer and be in pain like I am - I just wish I can put this aside and still function like a guy can. Damn my stupid emotions!! Try to focus on being strong... don't let your thoughts snowball. As we say, "Thus it is, it is thus." When you feel yourself becoming agitated, and your thoughts beginning to get the better of you, stop. Stand quite still. Close your eyes. Relax your shoulders, and take five deep breaths. Find "your centre". Bring yourself back to just breathing. Here, now. That's all there is: Here, now. No better time, no better place, because there is no other time, and there is no other place. It is - where you are. Calm it all down. Aaaaand.... on you go.
2sure Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 'FEELING' not 'felling' - ! 'LEASE' not 'loose'.....! What are we like - ?! Grazie, tesoro! Ahhh! Oh no, I totally meant "loose" - Ive sgned lotsa looses 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Ahhh! Oh no, I totally meant "loose" - Ive sgned lotsa looses Ooooh... right..... yeah. My bad. Seerry.... 2
Author TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 The argument was "just an argument, and nothing major." So, why when talking did you decide to ask him "do you want to break up?" I don't think he should have said yes if he didn't want a break up. I also don't think that's a fair question to ask some one when you have arguments. Good luck figuring everything out this kind of thing is never easy. That's a good question. I think it is because he didn't sleep in the bed with me the night of the minor argument, that the next day he completely shut down. I think it was just the way he really didn't want to talk anything out and it was over something minor and he completely shut down and didn't even want anything to do with me that it made me think that this has to be bigger than just the argument. Lately I have been questioning the relationship as well (mostly in my mind), I had actually written a letter to him and saved it in my drafts email box (because I wasn't going to tell him these things in an email, I was just getting my thoughts out) - and odd enough, I wrote that letter exactly 1 month before this all happened - so I think I sensed that something was wrong. I knew that sometimes I thought if maybe we should break up and so I wanted to know if he felt the same. Looking back on it, I would agree with you that to ask it at the time doesn't seem fair, but on the other hand - maybe that's when the unfiltered truth comes out. Despite my doubts, I thought that there was still hope to address things and work things out because for the most part things are good with us - it's just that I don't know if something is off if it can be fixed or that it should come naturally... I dunno, I'm rambling..... Thanks for your thoughts on this - I appreciate it:)
Author TigerCub Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Try to focus on being strong... don't let your thoughts snowball. As we say, "Thus it is, it is thus." When you feel yourself becoming agitated, and your thoughts beginning to get the better of you, stop. Stand quite still. Close your eyes. Relax your shoulders, and take five deep breaths. Find "your centre". Bring yourself back to just breathing. Here, now. That's all there is: Here, now. No better time, no better place, because there is no other time, and there is no other place. It is - where you are. Calm it all down. Aaaaand.... on you go. Thanks Tara. I will try to remember that. Sometimes I get my strong reasoning voice in my head telling me that I will be ok and I just have to take it one step @ a time and it will be fine. Other times I have my sad voice that says that I couldn't be enough for him and that I should have done this or that.... Anyways, I'm gonna hopefully try to channel my "Tara" voice that tells me to breathe and that all there is is here and now
melodymatters Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know the details but you've been here awhile and have always came off as a kind, sane and sensible poster. I'm sure you will be fine but I also know that doesn't make the here and now any easier to deal with. I just wanted to add a voice and a hug saying I understand, and that I wish you the very best..... MM 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I am TRULY sorry and I feel a lot for you. Always have, around here. You'll get a lot of love and support … XO 1
Lost Fish Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Dear Tiger, Just adding my support to the thread as well. You show a lot of maturity and I have to agree with your intuition that this dude probably isn't for you. But that doesn't make it any easier. I'm dealing with my own mess right now and just had to go NC yet again (how come we never learn the first time?)... I feel for you! It will get better. Take care of yourself darlin. 1
tuxedo cat Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry. It sounds like you made the right choice, though. I think he isn't outwardly grieving as much because you live together and he isn't yet feeling the absence of your physical presence. Try not to compare. ((hugs)) Edited March 5, 2013 by tuxedo cat 1
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know the details but you've been here awhile and have always came off as a kind, sane and sensible poster. I'm sure you will be fine but I also know that doesn't make the here and now any easier to deal with. I just wanted to add a voice and a hug saying I understand, and that I wish you the very best..... MM Aaaaw thank you so much for your kind words MM they really do help ***HUGS***
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I am TRULY sorry and I feel a lot for you. Always have, around here. You'll get a lot of love and support … XO Thanks MC, you're sweet. I really appreciate it
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 Dear Tiger, Just adding my support to the thread as well. You show a lot of maturity and I have to agree with your intuition that this dude probably isn't for you. But that doesn't make it any easier. I'm dealing with my own mess right now and just had to go NC yet again (how come we never learn the first time?)... I feel for you! It will get better. Take care of yourself darlin. Dear Lost Fish, Thank you for your kind words. It really is appreciated. I'm sorry that you are in the same pain right now. It always sucks and seems unending,but I know we both will make it out ok (no matter how things turn out) ***HUGS***
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I'm sorry. It sounds like you made the right choice, though. I think he isn't outwardly grieving as much because you live together and he isn't yet feeling the absence of your physical presence. Try not to compare. ((hugs)) Thanks Tuxedo (I really like your name btw) I think you're right about the living together and not really feeling the break up because of that. I know he's hurting too and admit that because I'm dealing with my own pain, I am not really thinking of what this is doing to him. I understand that. Thanks again ***HUGS***
Author TigerCub Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 (edited) So yesterday I went to see the apartment that I would possibly move into. I brought with me all that is needed to fill out the application form, but I just couldn't bring myself to commit to the 1 year lease and sign it. I know that once I sign it - that means it's over for sure and there is not changing that. The apartment is on hold for me for 2 days and by then I decide. I went (to what I used to call home - "his place") and felt like we should have 1 last talk just to be sure that this is it. My sister is really the one that encouraged this the most because she knows I love him and he is a good guy. She just thought that if I didn't say anything I would regret it later (and that part is true - knowing myself) So I told him "I looked at the place, I couldn't sign it today, I wanted to talk and see is this really it" so we talked for the next 2 hours and it came out that we were feeling the same lack of things in the relationship. Those things I wrote in the email that is in my drafts folder was talking about how we don't connect or share in things and that's what he was saying to me yesterday. He said that because we had so many changes to make the move in happen, in the end the fact that we don't really do a whole lot together and stuff made him feel like we don't connect and we are really different and that's why he was doubting our relationship. Those are the reasons I was doubting it too. THe thing is...I tried to bring little things up here and there and try to fix them. Sure I didn't tell him everything I wrote in the email, but I tried to bring things up - he didn't at all and it seemed like he just expected me to read his mind. In the convo when I saw that we really just had the same issues - I felt hopeful that we could fix this. But there's this part in me that never wanted to have that final talk with him because why am I the one approaching him and making attempts?? I was the one that was being hurt and here I am talking to him?? A part of me feels disgusted with myself for doing it but another part of me thinks that he is a good guy, he did treat me well and we can have a good relationship if we tried. So at the end of the conversation I didn't know what to feel. This morning that part of me that feels hurt and feels like he should have been the one to try makes me feel like I shouldn't be with him. I know I sound psycho and I know that I make women seem moody and expect too much (it's not all women - just me). He wanted to talk this morning and I told him what I was thinking. He said that the only reason he didn't try to talk to me was because when he initially tried, I said there really wasn't much he can say to fix this - and that was true. He later came and said "Here are the things I want you to know - 1. I want us to try and fix this and 2. I do love you" I think that was his attempt at coming to me and telling me to stay. I feel like he is too great of a boyfriend (most of the time) that I shouldn't let ego get in the way and we should give it one last shot But, I know myself and I think that at this point it is hard for me to trust in him (as far as having faith in the relationship) so in the end our attempt at fixing this probably wont work anyways. I feel like I'm already too hurt by him at this point. I really don't know what to do. I'm so confused and I'm so hurt and I don't want to cause him more confusion and pain. Edited March 6, 2013 by TigerCub
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Why does your having to move out = break up? Can't you still 'move out' and still give it one more shot? Counselling? Therapy? Why do you have to be under one roof to make it work?
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