wanting to be alone after break up/being introspective

[heartbroken1004]

I don't understand how some people can just jump so quickly from relationship to relationship after a break up and the cycle keeps continuing once they go through break up after another...I mean, can't people just stay single for 5 minutes? Is being single that hard for some people? I know it's difficult to suddenly be alone after a break up , but you DO get adjusted to it and you won't always feel depressed/sad about being single.

I mean, after my break up...I was depressed of course and I felt that huge void cause I felt something was missing, but ive been single for almost a year without dating a single guy and all I've been doing is working on myself to become a better person and do some introspection on the things that went wrong so I can learn from my mistakes. I don't want to jump into another relationship knowing I can't take/love myself first because I don't want to depend on the other person to take care of me since they deserve me at my best too.

 

So, i prefer being alone right now and not dating or seeing anyone. I actually like being alone. I need to heal completely and I just want to focus on bettering myself and focusing on other goals in my life. I realized being in a relationship too much is exhausting and I don't understand how people have that emotional capacity to keep getting hurt and putting effort into things all the time.

 

My friend told me I was mature and that I was being independent compared to other people, and she told me I didn't need to feel the need to look for others to validate my self worth. Am i the only one who feels this way?

Edited March 5, 2013 by heartbroken1004

[peace frog]

nope i'm the same way. though i'm usually single as opposed to not.

 

i also can't date around while still harboring feelings for someone. i need a break to let my feelings for my ex fade away. in this case it wont be long as it was a short relationship. i find relationships pretty exhausting so i value the "me" time.

[RiceaRoni]

I don't understand how some people can just jump so quickly from relationship to relationship after a break up and the cycle keeps continuing once they go through break up after another...I mean, can't people just stay single for 5 minutes? Is being single that hard for some people? I know it's difficult to suddenly be alone after a break up , but you DO get adjusted to it and you won't always feel depressed/sad about being single.

I mean, after my break up...I was depressed of course and I felt that huge void cause I felt something was missing, but ive been single for almost a year without dating a single guy and all I've been doing is working on myself to become a better person and do some introspection on the things that went wrong so I can learn from my mistakes. I don't want to jump into another relationship knowing I can't take/love myself first because I don't want to depend on the other person to take care of me since they deserve me at my best too.

 

So, i prefer being alone right now and not dating or seeing anyone. I actually like being alone. I need to heal completely and I just want to focus on bettering myself and focusing on other goals in my life. I realized being in a relationship too much is exhausting and I don't understand how people have that emotional capacity to keep getting hurt and putting effort into things all the time.

 

My friend told me I was mature and that I was being independent compared to other people, and she told me I didn't need to feel the need to look for others to validate my self worth. Am i the only one who feels this way?

 

 

I definitely feel this way as well..

 

my ex broke things off about 5 months ago and went straight into a new relationship 3 weeks later with a girl who supposedly dumped her ex for him (not sure tho). we were together 14 months and he even told me he wanted to be single, but I guess she persuaded him.

 

But getting back to your post. Yeah I find it emotionally draining to go from relationship to relationship without a break...some people can do it though and I wouldnt be able to ever bring myself to do so. I'm tired enough going through this break up and I don't want to get involved anytime soon.

[The Tallest One]

I'm just coming out of a 22 month long roller coaster relationship that for the most part was never truly healthy for me! She ended for the umpteenth times little over two weeks ago and I'm just totally raw, worn out, emotionally exhausted and heartbroken! I can't even think if jumping back into the dating pool any time soon! I desperately need to work on me, improve my self esteem and learn to respect myself more! I almost think its a flaw of people who can't stay single for five seconds, it's like there running from themselves!

[drpepper1886]

I almost think its a flaw of people who can't stay single for five seconds, it's like there running from themselves!

 

This is precisely right, people who are afraid to be alone with themselves to see who they actual are. It is much easier to define yourself combined with another person than it is to truly sit down and look deep within at all the dirty nasty things that make up who you are and to face it head on and find peace within it.

 

These people tend to just relationship jump never being alone until they are much older and then have complete mental breakdowns and more than likely end up single and unsatisfied reminiscing about all the good people they threw away. Had they gotten to love and know themselves prior, could have lasted.

Edited March 5, 2013 by drpepper1886

[Barr82]

I'm just coming out of a 22 month long roller coaster relationship that for the most part was never truly healthy for me! She ended for the umpteenth times little over two weeks ago and I'm just totally raw, worn out, emotionally exhausted and heartbroken! I can't even think if jumping back into the dating pool any time soon! I desperately need to work on me, improve my self esteem and learn to respect myself more! I almost think its a flaw of people who can't stay single for five seconds, it's like there running from themselves!

 

 

Im in the same situation.. im working on me, getting healthy, being single is a good thing after a breakup. She on the other hand jumped right to someone new, she hasnt been single since she was 16, shes 30 now.... i cant imagine living that way.

[J_L_C]

Wow, I'm so glad you posted this topic! I have been wrestling with this in so many ways. 7 months ago my ex ended our relationship. I found out that in less than a week after we split, he hooked up with a girl that he met at a bar 3 weeks BEFORE we broke up. He couldn't even wait a week! He's the type of person who literally can't be alone...ever. Get this...he online dates which is totally fine. I do as well. But...he LITERALLY meets a new girl off the net EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK. He says he enjoys being with someone, having that companionship and sexual closeness. I totally get that...we are only human. But to be on this endless quest to find is 'wife' seems absurd! Usually the best things come when you are not searching for them.

 

I'd also like to comment on the first part of this post. You indicated you enjoy being alone. I do as well. It's exhausting to try and keep up in this fast-paces, drama filled dating world, I agree. But you mentioned that you are taking some time to learn about yourself and to become a better person so as not to make the same 'mistakes' as you did in the your previous relationship. I'm not aware of the details of your situation, but I see this comment made quite often. But what if there are no mistakes that were made? In my situation for example, he said that he simply fell out of love with me. He couldn't attribute it to any specific other than simply his feelings changed. In this kind of situation I have no idea what to do...I still don't, even 7 months later. How does someone who was talking marriage and a future, suddenly fall out of love and take off?! Then, he ends up with some girl a week later! Mind you it was never a relationship...he's on his quest remember. Eek!

[singme2sleep]

I totally agree with you, also I don't understand how some people can hop from relationship to relationship. And furthermore, it's not always easy to just stumble upon someone new.

[Lillygoose]

What a good thread this is!

 

It seems many of us that has commented our partners are now with other people. How strange!

 

 

But yes, I agree. I think when you have been with someone for how many years, You just almost blend into one. And the healing process of a breakup is finding yourself again. Remembering who you where before you met him/her.

 

And In my opinion, the only way to do that is to be by yourself.

 

I know I am not ready to date, Or I dont even look at another guy yet.

 

But I am okay with that, and loosing weight and enjoying my life. I have so much more time for me and my friends and spending time with my family which I never did!!!

 

 

[lovnlost]

So a big thumbs up and a yes to all of you. Can we who agree on this get our own spot on the forum? Time must be given to not just heal but learn. We have to learn otherwise we dont improve. We age but our.emotional maturity will stay the same and stunt our growth. Ever met a 40 year old going on 23 or a 30 something turning into a teenager?

[drpepper1886]

But you mentioned that you are taking some time to learn about yourself and to become a better person so as not to make the same 'mistakes' as you did in the your previous relationship. I'm not aware of the details of your situation, but I see this comment made quite often. But what if there are no mistakes that were made? In my situation for example, he said that he simply fell out of love with me. He couldn't attribute it to any specific other than simply his feelings changed.

 

There are plenty of things to learn, sure, feelings can be lost but a lot of that can be fixed with communication. If your relationship was anything like mine in which I don't feel like I did anything wrong either, but I also learned that I didn't communicate NEARLY enough and neither did she.

 

The key is to learn to be completely open with your partner after you've decided to make it 'official' that includes your worries, doubts, fears. These are the things that bring true intimacy to a relationship and help keep feelings from being lost as you build an even deeper connection to each other.

 

You also can look at the things you didn't like about your SO and raise your bar for things that you wouldn't tolerate with a new one. This is a good chance to re-evaluate your boundaries and learn knew ones.

[Drummerboy420]

I don't get it, either. My ex of 6 years complained of "feeling trapped" in our relationship as it went south, and complained about how she always let past relationships hold her back. So a mere week after she dumps me, she starts dating another guy. Gets mad when I call it a rebound. He leads her on for a month and a half, and then she admits it was a rebound. Got all mad about it because she got played and "caught feelings" without realizing it. Meanwhile she's still messing around with me. Long story short, dated three more guys after (while also "dating" me because she was "confused" about her feelings for me), and #3 is apparently so wonderful. After I was "the favorite" of the bunch. Been full NC since. Toggling back and forth between mad and hurt. I'm her longest relationship so far. She has been in several before me. Not a lot of time in between them, or if there was time between, she spent it constantly dating. This was my first rodeo. Guess I shouldn't be suprised at what she's doing now. This is nothing new.

 

Meanwhile, I'm doing what I want when I want. Hitting the reset button and getting back to enjoying life out of a relationship. I'm also taking a long look at myself, and what I did wrong. As well as things about her that contributed to the demise that she has yet to acknowledge. Maybe after time passes and if she stops looking for Prince Charming to save her.

Edited March 6, 2013 by Drummerboy420

[creighton0123]

To be fair, there are also people like me who others might call "serial daters". In the last 6 years, I have had a 1.2 year relationship, an 8 month relationship, three two month relationships, and a 2 year relationship.

 

After each BU, I have moved on pretty quickly but not out of fear of being alone, but because I have simply gotten over them more quickly than other people might. When I date again a month or so after being single, I look at the person I am dating without comparing them to an ex or being in a situation where I am rebounding.

 

Don't forget that it typically takes 2 months for a relationship to become super serious. That means that for most people, even if they wait a month before they start casually dating, it is another month or two before they begin seriously dating someone.

 

That means that after 3 months, they're in another long term relationship. If you take into account the idea that the dating game lasts, on average, for 15 years before one takes a stab at a life-long relationship (relationships that last > 10 years), you are talking about 1.6% of their dating life being spent between one relationship and the next. 1.6% in terms of a viable 15 year dating period (20 to 35) is a pretty long amount of time ;-)

[J_L_C]

To be fair, there are also people like me who others might call "serial daters". In the last 6 years, I have had a 1.2 year relationship, an 8 month relationship, three two month relationships, and a 2 year relationship.

 

After each BU, I have moved on pretty quickly but not out of fear of being alone, but because I have simply gotten over them more quickly than other people might. When I date again a month or so after being single, I look at the person I am dating without comparing them to an ex or being in a situation where I am rebounding.

 

Don't forget that it typically takes 2 months for a relationship to become super serious. That means that for most people, even if they wait a month before they start casually dating, it is another month or two before they begin seriously dating someone.

 

That means that after 3 months, they're in another long term relationship. If you take into account the idea that the dating game lasts, on average, for 15 years before one takes a stab at a life-long relationship (relationships that last > 10 years), you are talking about 1.6% of their dating life being spent between one relationship and the next. 1.6% in terms of a viable 15 year dating period (20 to 35) is a pretty long amount of time ;-)

 

I was pretty offended when my long-term relationship ended so suddenly. It came out of the blue with no signs or signals. I was blindsided. BUT...to make matters worse, he ended up with a girl in LESS than a week after we split. He literally dates a new girl every single day of the week in search of this picture perfect soul mate he's after. The thing that upset me is that he couldn't even take a TINY bit of time to himself in order to reflect back over the relationship we had. I believe people need to do this to some degree in order to gain some objectivity, to 're-fresh' before jumping in again, because otherwise, similar patterns will be repeated within the next relationship. PLUS...without ANY reflection time, a reconciliation will never happen (even if it's initally not on one's radar). Many reconciliations happend BECAUSE OF time that's taken for oneself.

[Amelie1980]

To be fair, there are also people like me who others might call "serial daters". In the last 6 years, I have had a 1.2 year relationship, an 8 month relationship, three two month relationships, and a 2 year relationship.

 

After each BU, I have moved on pretty quickly but not out of fear of being alone, but because I have simply gotten over them more quickly than other people might. When I date again a month or so after being single, I look at the person I am dating without comparing them to an ex or being in a situation where I am rebounding.

 

Don't forget that it typically takes 2 months for a relationship to become super serious. That means that for most people, even if they wait a month before they start casually dating, it is another month or two before they begin seriously dating someone.

 

That means that after 3 months, they're in another long term relationship. If you take into account the idea that the dating game lasts, on average, for 15 years before one takes a stab at a life-long relationship (relationships that last > 10 years), you are talking about 1.6% of their dating life being spent between one relationship and the next. 1.6% in terms of a viable 15 year dating period (20 to 35) is a pretty long amount of time ;-)

 

Viable dating period from 20-35......are you joking?

 

So once someone is 35 its over for them? Thanks a lot.

[heartbroken1004]

I'm just coming out of a 22 month long roller coaster relationship that for the most part was never truly healthy for me! She ended for the umpteenth times little over two weeks ago and I'm just totally raw, worn out, emotionally exhausted and heartbroken! I can't even think if jumping back into the dating pool any time soon! I desperately need to work on me, improve my self esteem and learn to respect myself more! I almost think its a flaw of people who can't stay single for five seconds, it's like there running from themselves!

 

Yes I agree with you!

[heartbroken1004]

Wow, I'm so glad you posted this topic! I have been wrestling with this in so many ways. 7 months ago my ex ended our relationship. I found out that in less than a week after we split, he hooked up with a girl that he met at a bar 3 weeks BEFORE we broke up. He couldn't even wait a week! He's the type of person who literally can't be alone...ever. Get this...he online dates which is totally fine. I do as well. But...he LITERALLY meets a new girl off the net EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK. He says he enjoys being with someone, having that companionship and sexual closeness. I totally get that...we are only human. But to be on this endless quest to find is 'wife' seems absurd! Usually the best things come when you are not searching for them.

 

I'd also like to comment on the first part of this post. You indicated you enjoy being alone. I do as well. It's exhausting to try and keep up in this fast-paces, drama filled dating world, I agree. But you mentioned that you are taking some time to learn about yourself and to become a better person so as not to make the same 'mistakes' as you did in the your previous relationship. I'm not aware of the details of your situation, but I see this comment made quite often. But what if there are no mistakes that were made? In my situation for example, he said that he simply fell out of love with me. He couldn't attribute it to any specific other than simply his feelings changed. In this kind of situation I have no idea what to do...I still don't, even 7 months later. How does someone who was talking marriage and a future, suddenly fall out of love and take off?! Then, he ends up with some girl a week later! Mind you it was never a relationship...he's on his quest remember. Eek!

Well, what I meant by mistakes...is just looking at the things in our relationship that COULD have been better. There is always something in the relationship you could have done to make things better, even if it wasn't anything bad. (communicating, not being overly emotional, being too clingy, etc.) I want to improve myself so that when I do get into another relationship I can be prepared not to make the same mistakes like I did before. It takes two to make a relationship work, not just one person. Always remember that, so both sides can always do some soul searching to improve themselves in the long run and that is exactly what I've been doing.

[heartbroken1004]

To be fair, there are also people like me who others might call "serial daters". In the last 6 years, I have had a 1.2 year relationship, an 8 month relationship, three two month relationships, and a 2 year relationship.

 

After each BU, I have moved on pretty quickly but not out of fear of being alone, but because I have simply gotten over them more quickly than other people might. When I date again a month or so after being single, I look at the person I am dating without comparing them to an ex or being in a situation where I am rebounding.

 

Don't forget that it typically takes 2 months for a relationship to become super serious. That means that for most people, even if they wait a month before they start casually dating, it is another month or two before they begin seriously dating someone.

 

That means that after 3 months, they're in another long term relationship. If you take into account the idea that the dating game lasts, on average, for 15 years before one takes a stab at a life-long relationship (relationships that last > 10 years), you are talking about 1.6% of their dating life being spent between one relationship and the next. 1.6% in terms of a viable 15 year dating period (20 to 35) is a pretty long amount of time ;-)

 

I don't understand how some people can just move on that quickly though...perhaps you weren't that emotionally invested in the relationship even if it was long term? I mean, if you truly loved someone...and I mean TRULY loved someone and was connected to them on a very deep level, there is no way you can just move on and forget about them that fast. And the ones that do that..well, I always felt that they weren't that serious. Not saying you weren't serious in any of your relationships, but the point im trying to make is lately relationships are all about benefiting us more than anything else. It's always about me, me , and me. PEople get into it because they dont want to be alone or they just want one due to wanting some kind of ego boost. They also use it for social status, it's never about wanting to genuinely be there for someone because you WANT to grow with that person and you want to genuinely take care of that person no matter what. Chivalry is dead, but it still exists.

 

Which is why i stated earlier that before I get into another relationship I want to be able to learn how to be happy on my own so I can be at my fullest potential when I give it to someone else.

[AlexB]

This actually really annoys me. I mean maybe they just didn't feel as strongly about the person and so can be with someone else straight away. I hate seeing people on facebook going from "in a relationship" and being lovey and such ('i love you's all over the place), then to "single" and in a matter of weeks they're back to "in a relationship" claiming they love this new person.

 

Love is such a strong emotion for me. It doesn't come easily.. Or leave easily unfortunately..

[marklarsson]

Sadly enough some people don't like dealing with their feelings and actually reflecting on it.

they make decisions with out thinking over them later to see if they made the right one in respective of everything else that is going on.

because they don't want to deal with the hurt of the break up or being alone to find themselves they just hop into a next thing and start seeing someone, dating or a new relationship.

another reason for this is that if the new relationship doesn't work in the next 3 months or so they dot really care or feel anyway about it because again they have not invested so much into it.

sad for the other person involved but that's how rebounds happen.

its a coping mechanism.

[J_L_C]

To be fair, there are also people like me who others might call "serial daters". In the last 6 years, I have had a 1.2 year relationship, an 8 month relationship, three two month relationships, and a 2 year relationship.

 

After each BU, I have moved on pretty quickly but not out of fear of being alone, but because I have simply gotten over them more quickly than other people might. When I date again a month or so after being single, I look at the person I am dating without comparing them to an ex or being in a situation where I am rebounding.

 

Don't forget that it typically takes 2 months for a relationship to become super serious. That means that for most people, even if they wait a month before they start casually dating, it is another month or two before they begin seriously dating someone.

 

That means that after 3 months, they're in another long term relationship. If you take into account the idea that the dating game lasts, on average, for 15 years before one takes a stab at a life-long relationship (relationships that last > 10 years), you are talking about 1.6% of their dating life being spent between one relationship and the next. 1.6% in terms of a viable 15 year dating period (20 to 35) is a pretty long amount of time ;-)

 

I agree and disagree at the same time. Between 20-35 is a viable dating period in terms of starting a family and kids. For myself personally, I wouldn't want to start a family over 40, but that's simply how I feel. But just dating and getting married? I don't think there is any age limit. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather become involved with another woman a few years later...at the age of 87

[RiceaRoni]

I don't understand how some people can just move on that quickly though...perhaps you weren't that emotionally invested in the relationship even if it was long term? I mean, if you truly loved someone...and I mean TRULY loved someone and was connected to them on a very deep level, there is no way you can just move on and forget about them that fast. And the ones that do that..well, I always felt that they weren't that serious. Not saying you weren't serious in any of your relationships, but the point im trying to make is lately relationships are all about benefiting us more than anything else. It's always about me, me , and me. PEople get into it because they dont want to be alone or they just want one due to wanting some kind of ego boost. They also use it for social status, it's never about wanting to genuinely be there for someone because you WANT to grow with that person and you want to genuinely take care of that person no matter what. Chivalry is dead, but it still exists.

 

Which is why i stated earlier that before I get into another relationship I want to be able to learn how to be happy on my own so I can be at my fullest potential when I give it to someone else.

 

 

 

I've never understood this either....sometimes I feel like those who jump straight into a relationship so quickly is to feel good about themselves. That's they made a good choice in leaving the last person, that they could easily just love someone else, but the thing is love takes time and effort. You can't love someone so quickly an easily that's infatuation...love is when you go through everything that is known to tear you apart, yet you still stay together and are able to work through everything. Its all sparks and flames in the beginning and once that dies down you're left with your best friend who you plan to spend your life with