struggling...every minute is like a year

[misswillow]

I know. I feel like I am a shell of my former self - I might look the same on the outside, but inside there is just emptiness now. The thought of my ex being with another woman, let alone getting engaged to her, makes me physically ill so I sympathize so strongly with what you are going through now. I do not understand why he had to be so cruel, doesn't he feel he has hurt you enough?

 

How are you doing today?

[coralie]

Oh misswillow, I'm right there with you on the empty shell of my former self. I wish we were in a better place. I don't know why he is being so cruel, but I need to keep reminding myself that's who he is now and try to use that to crawl out of this hole. We have to look to the future and we have to think about healing. Even if it seems impossible right now.

 

I didn't think I could actually feel worse than before, but wow this is a new low for me. Now I cling onto NC more than ever. I hope time can work a little faster on my healing. Please.

 

Tomorrow's Friday. I need to make some kind of plans for this weekend. I'm just not sure what...yet.

[coralie]

I broke NC in the worst way. I did it in a moment of weakness and I knew it was a really bad idea but still did it. I was feeling so horrible today. I felt worse today than I remember feeling through this whole thing and I was going out of my mind and I had to see him. I called him and he came over and we spent a few hours together. He was trying so hard to be considerate and the more he did that, the more it hurt. I tell people here that NC is the best way and to never break it no matter what, because it may feel better for a tiny bit (or not at all, depending) but then it feels a whole lot worse for a really long time. I know this, so why did I do it anyway? I wish someone was here to knock some sense into me!

 

After he left, it was beyond awful. I cried so much my eyes hurt!

 

I'm a complete mess. I'm hurting in so many ways that I never imagined I could hurt. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to get to sleep tonight. I just wish there was a way to ease the pain.

[wish-i-knew]

Dear Coralie,

 

My heart breaks to hear of your suffering. I have been there in the past and understand how you are feeling. Life has lost its flavour for you. Getting by minute by minute seems like an achievement. But you will get by.

 

You realise that breaking NC was a mistake, and although it seems impossible, you must continue with your NC resolve.

 

The problems I see with making contact again are;

 

a. After the contact, you are virtually back to day 1 of your grieving process, so you feel like you are starting all over again. And you will go back to day 1 after each new contact.

 

b. The grief seems even more intense now. I think this is because with the renewed contact, your ex will be responsive to your feelings and will make you feel cared for, which in return makes you feel loved, thereby making your loss seem even greater.

 

 

This contact makes him feel better about himself because he is being kind and considerate to you, but this is how he should have been before the BU, not now. Being that way now helps him feel good about himself, but it does you NO favours!

 

Think of him as the person who hurt you when you were in a relationship and the BU, and let this help you with the NC. Is that the person you miss and want to reach out to?

 

As for your ex already being engaged after such a short relationship, as an outsider, that sounds like a foolish, immature act, which is bound to end in failure. But, that is not your problem. Would you ever want him back given the hurt he has subjected you to?

 

You are hurting now which is unfortunate, but that is a step in the recovery process. I cannot offer you any magic wand. You have to hit the bottom before you can come back up.

 

This experience will change who you are forever. That is unavoidable. But in the long run, it will make you a stronger person. Hard to believe that now, but it will. I could give you a list of positives you can get from this, but now is not the time.

 

Keep posting and talking. We are here for you...

[coralie]

Thank you so much for the advice and the breakdown. I really needed it tonight. I can't tell you how much it helps. I read it three times in a row and have gotten a bit of strength from your words. And no, I wouldn't take him back no matter what my heart says, because I know I could never trust him and get past how he hurt me, and besides, he's not the guy I want anymore. That guy is gone forever.

 

And I am back 100% NC, as of this moment (well, as of my previous post).

[Damsel in Distress]

I'm no expert, because I've broken NC myself (he didn't pick up and that hurt, but I'm sure I would be even more of a mess if I had gotten to talk to him). I feel like you haven't had a long enough period of NC to benefit from it yet, but if you can just maintain NC I think you will feel more stable (no doubt you will still be an emotional roller coaster, but it will be much less intense).

 

Some of the tricks I have used to maintain NC when the urge gets strong:

- silly, but I rubber-banded an index card to the phone that says "NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF CALLING HIM. IT WILL MAKE YOU AN EMOTIONAL MESS"

- write an email to him but don't send it.

- text a friend "My finger's on the dial! STOP ME!" and my friends are GREAT at reminding me exactly why I can't do that to myself.. plus talking to them is a distraction that helps the urge pass. This has been the most helpful thing for me, although I worry about my friends getting sick of hearing my craziness.

- Post here

- go do something away from the house to distract myself.

- Go into work and be productive

 

I also like what several people have mentioned - change his contact name to something that will remind you like "Do not do it." I haven't done this yet.

 

And since he keeps contacting you, have you considered blocking his number? He's tearing you apart every time he calls.

 

Stay strong!

[misswillow]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I now also understand that breaking no contact makes our healing so much worse. I did it earlier this week, and had to listen to my ex tell me how miserable he is, this is the hardest thing he's ever done, he will never feel this way about someone again, yada, yada, yada. I thought it would make me feel better to have this emotional conversation with him, and maybe it did for a minute, but in the end it has made things so much worse. You feel that he is the only one that can make you feel better, because he is the one that caused the pain, but then you realize that now he is the one that makes you feel even worse.

 

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I think posting here and knowing you are not along helps a lot.

[h3braica]

I thought it would make me feel better to have this emotional conversation with him, and maybe it did for a minute, but in the end it has made things so much worse. You feel that he is the only one that can make you feel better, because he is the one that caused the pain, but then you realize that now he is the one that makes you feel even worse.

 

this is so true. ex throwing me breadcrumbs by telling me he misses me so much, i broke NC 2 weeks after i got his email to tell him i miss him too (i feel weak that time and have a strong urge to contact him). he emailed back after 3 days with miss u still. i wasn't expecting it but felt so good knowing he still misses me. but keep asking myself why it takes 3 days to answer back when he's online everyday? he's doing it to ease his guilt of dumping me. saying miss u's even if he didnt mean it. replying to his mail allow him to hurt me again and made me hate him more and hate myself for missing him.

 

i didn't answer his last email and stay NC up to this day. been 1.5 months of NC. feel like i'm losing my mind. cried again a few minutes ago .

[coralie]

I feel like you haven't had a long enough period of NC to benefit from it yet, but if you can just maintain NC I think you will feel more stable (no doubt you will still be an emotional roller coaster, but it will be much less intense).

 

This is definitely one of my main problems. I haven't maintained NC long enough at all to benefit from it. Everything's still too fresh and then I get hit with the news that he's engaged. So back to square one. But I'm determined this time to stick to NC. Contacting him the last time really killed me. I really want to be like the ones who can come back here someday and say that I finally feel better and have gotten over him and got my life back. I really look forward to that day.

 

I thought it would make me feel better to have this emotional conversation with him, and maybe it did for a minute, but in the end it has made things so much worse. You feel that he is the only one that can make you feel better, because he is the one that caused the pain, but then you realize that now he is the one that makes you feel even worse.

 

Yes, this is exactly it. We need to keep on reminding ourselves that the one person who caused all of this pain can't possibly be the one who will end the pain! I know our hearts don't want to listen to that, but we have to force ourselves to.

 

I know people have mentioned that it's like a drug addiction. I experienced that full-on myself. Literally the minute he left, that awful feeling got increasingly worse and worse until I was questioning the meaning of life and it took everything I had not to call him again or go after him. It scared me, this reaction, because I really thought I was doing better back a week ago before all of this. I can't afford to have awful setbacks like this anymore. Breaking NC is NOT worth it at all!

 

but keep asking myself why it takes 3 days to answer back when he's online everyday? he's doing it to ease his guilt of dumping me. saying miss u's even if he didnt mean it. replying to his mail allow him to hurt me again and made me hate him more and hate myself for missing him.

 

I just keep on reminding myself that if he really missed me so much, then why isn't he still with me? Why is he ok with causing me so much pain? Even if it were true and some part of him does miss me, it's not enough at all. In the end, we deserve someone who wants to be with us, not someone who will toss breadcrumbs about missing us and then not actually be around at all when we need them.

 

Hugs to you all. I so sympathize and completely understand what you're all going through. And thanks for the support and suggestions. Every time I get that urge or start feeling worse than usual, I'm gonna keep coming back here to read through this thread. Let's get through this together!

[misswillow]

Hugs to you all. I so sympathize and completely understand what you're all going through. And thanks for the support and suggestions. Every time I get that urge or start feeling worse than usual, I'm gonna keep coming back here to read through this thread. Let's get through this together!

 

That's a good idea, I will do the same. After having almost 2 weeks of NC, now I only have 4 days. I am determined to never reach out again. It will be harder if my ex contacts me, but I really want to be strong and not talk to him if that happens. He has actually broken up with me before, and come back, so now I know that I can never trust him not to do it again. So there is no point to any kind of contact.

 

I think in your case, your ex is just trying to appease the guilt he must feel (if he has any kind of feelings at all). But now you can probably clearly see that although it may make him feel better, it doesn't help you at all. Like you, right after the contact, I was wanting more, just like an addiction. I was thinking of reasons why I needed to call him again so we could talk some more. Luckily I didn't act on that, and the feeling has passed.

 

How is your weekend going? Weekends still continue to be the worst for me, and I can't get myself to do anything to try to make it better. I hope one of these days I will actually have the motivation to do something. Now that spring is coming, it actually makes me more sad, because I think of all the plans we would have had for the spring and summer. I guess I will hopefully find a way to enjoy it without him.

[The Tallest One]

I don't want to contact my ex, she ended it for the umpteenth time and the pain has just been too much. For some strange reason that I still don't understand, a part of me feels guilty that I don't contact her to make sure she is doing ok!

 

I don't understand this thinking in my head, she is the one who says she can't be with me, she's the one who kept breaking my heart over and over and all I want to do is move on. I remain nc to protect myself from her hurting me any more and also because I have nothing to say to her. But why do I feel guilty for this?

[coralie]

That's a good idea, I will do the same. After having almost 2 weeks of NC, now I only have 4 days. I am determined to never reach out again. It will be harder if my ex contacts me, but I really want to be strong and not talk to him if that happens. He has actually broken up with me before, and come back, so now I know that I can never trust him not to do it again. So there is no point to any kind of contact.

 

We can do this. And we've literally gotten burned badly from reaching our hands into the fire, so do everything to remember that every single time you get that urge to contact him or to respond to him. Try to think of the future as much as possible and how NC will one day lead you to being indifferent to the thought of him and moving on in your wonderful life.

 

The weekend is horrible as usual, but like you I can't bring myself to go out and do anything. I seriously did try, and went and signed up on Meetup, and spent hours browsing the groups and joining a few, but in the end I haven't made it out there yet. I'm hoping we might feel more like going out once we get more strict NC time under our belt? The pain's too fresh and I honestly feel that being with happy people or crowds would make me feel worse right now. I'm gonna give myself a bit more time I think, but I'll try again next weekend.

[coralie]

I don't understand this thinking in my head, she is the one who says she can't be with me, she's the one who kept breaking my heart over and over and all I want to do is move on. I remain nc to protect myself from her hurting me any more and also because I have nothing to say to her. But why do I feel guilty for this?

 

This was the love of your life, and wanting to know that she's doing ok is a completely normal reaction especially when you still have lingering feelings towards her, but unfortunately this same care and concern for her holds you back when you're no longer with her and trying to get over her. I understand why you feel it, but don't ever feel guilty for doing the only thing that you can to protect yourself and move on with your life. You need to be ruthless and only care about YOU right now, not her. She's moved on and isn't concerned about you. It's time for you to direct that care and concern towards yourself and make sure that YOU feel ok.

[wish-i-knew]

Hi Coralie,

 

I understand what you mean - weekends are the hardest.

 

If you don't feel like joining groups of people yet, that is understandable, but at the least, find ways to get out of your home.

 

I find the library is a great place to go - even if you just sit there and read a book or flip through a magazine. You will be amongst people, but you will not need to talk to anyone unless you really want to.

 

Or go for a really really long walk. Maybe go to some sporting event. Basically anything that gets you out and about. The key is - you need to be distracted, even if only for half an hour at a time.

 

I know that people suggest taking up new hobbies, but personally, I have found that my motivation was so low, just getting up and dressed was an achievement. So, that is why I suggest doing really really simple things to start with.

 

Hope this helps...

[coralie]

That's actually a great idea. I might not be able to motivate myself to go out and do something like gatherings or crowds or trying to meet new people yet, but I think I can definitely make an effort to at least get out to go somewhere like the library or just to be out running more errands and spending more time outside on my own.

 

A friend of mine keeps telling me I need to just get out and start dating. I have to say the thought of that is completely horrifying to me right now and just isn't possible. I know eventually I do want to date again but I am so not ready for that yet!

 

Well, I survived the weekend, although Monday mornings are no picnic either. Taking it one day at a time. I'm determined to make it through the day, and then through the rest of this week.

[misswillow]

Ugh, the thought of dating is horrifying to me too! I can't even get myself to go pick up my dry cleaning, let alone go on a date with a new man who will only just remind me how much I really want to be with my ex. I know I eventually will have to start dating again, especially since I don't want to end up alone and I'm not getting any younger, but I have no idea when I'll be ready. And I'm not sure how I'm ever going to trust another man's declarations of love and promises for the future (if that ever happens) again.

[coralie]

Ugh, the thought of dating is horrifying to me too! I can't even get myself to go pick up my dry cleaning, let alone go on a date with a new man who will only just remind me how much I really want to be with my ex. I know I eventually will have to start dating again, especially since I don't want to end up alone and I'm not getting any younger, but I have no idea when I'll be ready. And I'm not sure how I'm ever going to trust another man's declarations of love and promises for the future (if that ever happens) again.

 

This is the part I'm the most afraid of as well, even once I actually feel ready to date again. I feel like my priorities and what to look for in a future partner have changed drastically in light of this recent breakup. In any case, I know we have a lot more healing to do before that. One step at a time.

[wish-i-knew]

Ugh, the thought of dating is horrifying to me too! I can't even get myself to go pick up my dry cleaning, let alone go on a date with a new man who will only just remind me how much I really want to be with my ex. I know I eventually will have to start dating again, especially since I don't want to end up alone and I'm not getting any younger, but I have no idea when I'll be ready. And I'm not sure how I'm ever going to trust another man's declarations of love and promises for the future (if that ever happens) again.

 

Sorry, this may sound harsh - but do you really want to be with your ex?

That is the man that hurt you!

You may want to be with the man you would have liked your ex to be, and that is the person you miss.

Perhaps what you really miss is the 'dream' of what could have been, not the reality of who he is.

 

As for dating again, I guess we are all different. We all grieve differently and we all take different steps to help us get over the grief. Some people like to get back into the dating scene as soon as possible to help them get over their ex.

 

If you don't feel ready to date, then don't. Take some time. But no matter how long you take, the first date will always be frightening - but it can also be exciting and it will be the start of the next chapter of your life, regardless of how the date ends up.

[coralie]

Sorry, this may sound harsh - but do you really want to be with your ex?

That is the man that hurt you!

You may want to be with the man you would have liked your ex to be, and that is the person you miss.

Perhaps what you really miss is the 'dream' of what could have been, not the reality of who he is.

 

I definitely agree with this and the more time passes from the BU, the more I see that even clearer. So, misswillow, we have to remind ourselves that the guy we really want to be with no longer exists at all. That's why they equate heartbreak to mourning the loss of someone as if they died. I really think that's the only way we can move forward. What we're clinging onto is at best a memory but isn't that guy at all. Some days, it's really hard to face that as reality, but I know it in my head that's what we need to do.