struggling...every minute is like a year

[coralie]

I'm on day 3 of NC. It is excruciating to get through each and every day. I wish I could knock myself out for months and just wake up free of the pain and free of the haunting thoughts and feelings towards him! I'm trying my best to be busy (which isn't hard because my life has been turned upside down and is actually really busy), but even though I'd dead tired every day, somehow my brain still has plenty of time to torture me with the hurt and pain and why is it that I keep having to force myself not to pick up the phone or send a text or email?

 

We were together just under 3 years and the breakup was dragged out for almost a month back between Dec and Jan and then we were still living together and couldn't get out of that situation for a while. Finally was able to move out last week. He'd met someone online back early December and had flown out to see her at the end of the year for a couple weeks. They were trading "I love you's" literally weeks after meeting online before they even met in person.

 

To me it seemed like it came out of nowhere. Things were fine and there were no signs of anything out of the ordinary before that. Of course, that must not have been the case. Or who knows, maybe the honeymoon phase ended for him. I don't care if it's the end of the honeymoon phase or GIGS or rebound or whatever. It was shocking and then unbearable for me. He tried his best not to talk to her in front of me and was feeling guilty, but everything hurt and I am so thankful I'm out of there. He tried to tell me he still loved me and didn't want to let me go and he would miss me. I almost strangled him.

 

At the same time, NC doesn't feel much better. WHYYYYY?

[d0620]

1. Don't call that man. Eventually you will be so exhausted from thinking about him, until you don't even want to think about him anymore. Thoughts of him are taking up too much of your time, energy and most importantly FOCUS.

2. There were signs of a failing relationship sometimes we just fool ourselves into believing its not true, or find it inconvenient to see the truth.

3. It will get easier we just have to believe it will, and take our power back. He doesn't deserve your energy and pain while he is out living it up with his new beau.

4. NC doesn't feel better because you shared an important part of life with him and you formed a habit of living together and sharing daily events. It's no different than a loss of a friend or even death. I hate to be so drastic. Habits are hard to break and in cases of break ups we are losing someone we love and have to break habits in addition to that. There is only so much our hearts and body can handle. I promise this is a bend and we are not broken.

5. Instead of looking at the negatives, remember the reason you left. Trust me if you call him back it might be a matter of seconds before you are reminded of the reason you left in the first place. Grieve and get past the feeling of hurt, betrayal, and rejection. It may not be about you so don't beat yourself up about it.

I will get better. Keep posting

[coralie]

Arggg, I was unpacking and a love note he wrote to her which apparently he didn't get to send slipped out between a stack of papers that I had shoved into a box. I literally had to force myself to breathe in and out slowly and scream silently inside for about an hour to avoid a meltdown. This was after I immediately tossed it into my shredder. Then I went out to walk twice around the block. Still feeling like someone sandpapered my heart and poured salt on it.

 

Thank you there above, btw, for the encouragement. I know it'll get better...logically I know that time will heal. It's just that it's so hard right now.

[Coping Vortex]

I'm on day 3 of NC. It is excruciating to get through each and every day. I wish I could knock myself out for months and just wake up free of the pain and free of the haunting thoughts and feelings towards him! I'm trying my best to be busy (which isn't hard because my life has been turned upside down and is actually really busy), but even though I'd dead tired every day, somehow my brain still has plenty of time to torture me with the hurt and pain and why is it that I keep having to force myself not to pick up the phone or send a text or email?

 

We were together just under 3 years and the breakup was dragged out for almost a month back between Dec and Jan and then we were still living together and couldn't get out of that situation for a while. Finally was able to move out last week. He'd met someone online back early December and had flown out to see her at the end of the year for a couple weeks. They were trading "I love you's" literally weeks after meeting online before they even met in person.

 

To me it seemed like it came out of nowhere. Things were fine and there were no signs of anything out of the ordinary before that. Of course, that must not have been the case. Or who knows, maybe the honeymoon phase ended for him. I don't care if it's the end of the honeymoon phase or GIGS or rebound or whatever. It was shocking and then unbearable for me. He tried his best not to talk to her in front of me and was feeling guilty, but everything hurt and I am so thankful I'm out of there. He tried to tell me he still loved me and didn't want to let me go and he would miss me. I almost strangled him.

 

At the same time, NC doesn't feel much better. WHYYYYY?

 

Been three months for me. I feel the same way. I am ready to try meds again. I need something.

[coralie]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's not easy but I hope you find a way out of this and feel better. Getting professional help is definitely not a bad idea.

[The Tallest One]

coralie, I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you and what your going through. It does get better, i'ts hard as Im in the same boat but life goes on whether we're up for it or not. The guy's a major jerk and never deserved you in the first place. Heal yourself and know that in time someone great will come along and treat you the way you deserve.

[coralie]

Thank you... it is really strange how people I don't know on an internet forum can help comfort me during this difficult time, but I appreciate it so much.

 

I hope things get better for you soon as well.

[breakmyfall]

I know exactly how you're feeling first week of NC was hell for me AND I was starting a new job! Went on strict NC for 16 days then he contacted me, now it's been 3 days.

 

This guy is a real jerk Coralie, who does that whilst still living with someone??

[coralie]

Thanks, your avatar is saving me right now. Despite hitting a snag yesterday when he suddenly texted some random bs that had no point (no I didn't respond to it) and nearly having a meltdown, I'm keeping up the NC. I've realized that even though it's excruciating to get through, it has to be this way. I can't handle any sort of communication in any form with him right now.

 

Keep up the NC. Hope the new job is going well too. We will eventually get through this.

[coralie]

10 days of NC, and during this time he's contacted twice now. Really annoying and frustrating breadcrumbs.

 

First was some bs text about how he's eating better, etc. I didn't respond at all. And just now I got a text saying he happened to be at our favorite restaurant and got my favorite dessert wrapped up to go. He dropped it off at my door and then left and texted me to open the door.

 

Are you kidding me? What part of "please do not contact me at all in any way so we can both move on" is unclear to him?

 

UGH.

 

I'm not responding...not responding...not responding.

 

Just...why? Stop torturing me.

[Minneloa]

Hang in there, coralie. This sounds like it could be typical guilt BS breadcrumbs, i.e., he doesn't want to think of himself as a person who treated you poorly, so he attempts to "make peace" even though it's selfish and breaks the boundaries you set.

 

Even though I don"t know you, I am angry on your behalf.

 

Stay strong. I'm rooting for you.

[coralie]

Thank you Minneloa.

 

I'm trying to be strong. It feels slighly better today, but the ups and downs throughout the day are making me a little crazy. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. Even random everyday stuff like brushing teeth or cooking dinner. Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to make a little progress but most of the time I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread...

 

I didn't eat that dessert btw. I tossed it straight into the trash. I did feel a touch better after that.

Edited March 13, 2013 by coralie

[coralie]

....................he texted me to ask for the keys to his other workroom (he doesn't go often) because he left it with my stuff by accident.

 

I know it's not his fault, but here I am trying my best to do NC (13 days in) and literally every few days I keep getting breadcrumbs, and now this. I haven't responded at all so far, but I'm going to have to now.

 

I'm tempted to tell him to walk by and I'll throw it out the window and he should catch it.

[coralie]

Typing through a haze of tears. Dammit, I hate this.

 

He asked me to put his keys in the mailbox and then he texted to thank me and then asked a bunch of stuff via text and kept on texting one after another. I broke down and responded and then we had a back and forth text conversation for almost half an hour.

 

What I got out of all of this is that it doesn't feel any better to hear how much he misses me or how he feels lost without me or that he can't bear the thought of not having me in his life and that he actually believes that he will regret this a lot someday. Because you know what? If it really were that bad and if he really believed all of that, he'd be with me and not her.

 

Trust me, do not ever break NC, no matter what. You think you want to hear those things from them, but you really don't. The only thing you want to hear from them at this point in time is the one thing you won't ever hear from them. So NC is always the better choice.

 

Gonna go lick my wounds now. 13 days NC and stayed strong never responding at all through his pathetic breadcrumbs, then today broken by responding to his texts. Should I re-start the count?

[The Tallest One]

coralie, what your going through is breaking my heart! This guy has some nerve! It will be one month Saturday of NC and tonight's been real hard! After all the repeated heartbrake and pain she has caused me, there is still a part of me that still wants to contact her and somehow try to get her to change her mind!

 

It's crazy because I know she's not got for me but I still can't stop thinking of her and miss her! Arghh!

 

Please don't give into anymore of his texts no matter what they say in them! He doesn't have the right to put you through this! It made me angry reading how he keeps contacting you! If he had any heart he would let you be and respect your boundaries! Please stay strong, I'm rooting for you! Hugs!

[coralie]

Believe me, I completely understand. I know it's wrong and I know I'd end up even more upset and hurt and messed up and in a really bad place, but I get those urges too. Constantly. We just really have to take it one day at a time. When that doesn't work, let's take it one hour at a time. Seriously, some days, when we make it through an hour, and then the next hour...it feels like tiny little victories.

 

We will get through this and will feel better one day. Do not contact her no matter what! You will eventually thank yourself even if it doesn't feel good at all right now.

 

And thank you for the support! Hugs to you too. It really does help to let out your feelings here on LS when things are really rough, so come post when you're feeling down or getting urges to contact her. We'll talk you down from the ledge.

[coralie]

See, I was feeling slightly closer to normal on Friday, and then the weekend came and it's just been so awful.

 

Weekends used to be our happy time together, without work and other busy stuff. Now it's an empty hollow reminder of what I no longer have. It took me nearly 4 hrs to make myself get out of bed after I woke up this morning.

 

I should have made plans and forced myself to go out and do something, but it's hard because I don't have a lot of friends. The few closest friends I have don't live nearby, and the few regular friends I have here are all coupled up or even married and don't really go out much either. Also, I don't really want to see them right now.

 

It was so unbelievably hard to get through this weekend. I keep wavering between hating him and missing him. It hurts so much.

[Coping Vortex]

See, I was feeling slightly closer to normal on Friday, and then the weekend came and it's just been so awful.

 

Weekends used to be our happy time together, without work and other busy stuff. Now it's an empty hollow reminder of what I no longer have. It took me nearly 4 hrs to make myself get out of bed after I woke up this morning.

 

I should have made plans and forced myself to go out and do something, but it's hard because I don't have a lot of friends. The few closest friends I have don't live nearby, and the few regular friends I have here are all coupled up or even married and don't really go out much either. Also, I don't really want to see them right now.

 

It was so unbelievably hard to get through this weekend. I keep wavering between hating him and missing him. It hurts so much.

 

I am so in the same exact state. It's just not fair that our ex's are the ones to cause us such pain.

[Jingle14]

See, I was feeling slightly closer to normal on Friday, and then the weekend came and it's just been so awful.

 

Weekends used to be our happy time together, without work and other busy stuff. Now it's an empty hollow reminder of what I no longer have. It took me nearly 4 hrs to make myself get out of bed after I woke up this morning.

 

I should have made plans and forced myself to go out and do something, but it's hard because I don't have a lot of friends. The few closest friends I have don't live nearby, and the few regular friends I have here are all coupled up or even married and don't really go out much either. Also, I don't really want to see them right now.

 

It was so unbelievably hard to get through this weekend. I keep wavering between hating him and missing him. It hurts so much.

 

You poor thing. I can echo everything you've said, it's unbearably hard and so, so difficult. Please do keep posting on here and gaining whatever comfort you can from the words of these strangers that we're all reaching out to. I'm sure I can't be the only one who never, ever thought they'd be on a forum like this. But here we are.

 

All of my local friends have family and my friends who don't are not local (ie 3 hour drive away). After months alone, not seeing anyone at the weekend, I dragged myself out of the misery of my bedroom with closed curtains (to keep the sun out, too painful to let it in, too many memories of happier times) and looked up local social groups online. I found quite a few and joined a couple. Took some doing to get out of the front door when it would be so much easier to stay home but, eventually, it started to be worth it. If you're in the UK, CitySocialising and MeetUp are good sites.

 

I'm 22 months post BU now and have detached myself from my feelings - my coping mechanism - so it becomes easier to bear. These early days you are going through are the worst, it WILL improve, please know that.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Jingle14

[Bluerain]

I really feel for you, it's the most awful pain imaginable and for you the journey has only just begun sweetheart!

 

My partner dumped me after 18 years together, he really was my world I adored him.

Anyway, he tried the let's be friends but I was adamant I was going NC...soooo glad I did!

 

Turns out he met someone 3 weeks before he left me, he threw 18 years away for someone he stayed with for a month in total I think!!!

 

He still doesn't know I know because I went NC and meant it.

 

He text me a month later, I ignored him...and continue to stay NC...but it took almost 8 months before the tears finally stopped, I was in a bad way.

 

What saved me in the end was NC...10 months so far.

 

The night he left, pleading/sobbing for him not to go...I vowed I would never do that again. I can honestly say that I'm so proud that after that night I went full NC, my pride and dignity truly in tact!

 

I did nothing wrong, 18 years of history...I hope it comes back to haunt him one day...but yes please go NC...you WILL get to a better place.

 

Had I stayed friends with him, watching him with other women...would I be in the place I'm at now...no of course not?

 

So please please don't give him the control, don't allow him in...you wont heal if you do, all you will be doing is reopening that wound.

 

LS is a great place, just pour your heart out on here, there is always someone to guide you through each day.

 

Hugs x

[coralie]

Took some doing to get out of the front door when it would be so much easier to stay home but, eventually, it started to be worth it. If you're in the UK, CitySocialising and MeetUp are good sites.

 

I'm 22 months post BU now and have detached myself from my feelings - my coping mechanism - so it becomes easier to bear. These early days you are going through are the worst, it WILL improve, please know that.

 

Thank you, I am trying my best, and I think I might look into Meetup. I'm in the US and I've heard people mentioning that. What could it hurt? I could use some new friends and I definitely need to rebuild my life since I didn't have much of one left after the BU.

[coralie]

I did nothing wrong, 18 years of history...I hope it comes back to haunt him one day...but yes please go NC...you WILL get to a better place.

 

Had I stayed friends with him, watching him with other women...would I be in the place I'm at now...no of course not?

 

So please please don't give him the control, don't allow him in...you wont heal if you do, all you will be doing is reopening that wound.

 

Oh my gosh, 18 years! You are so brave to have gone into NC so quickly and so completely! I definitely agree though that it's completely necessary in order for us to heal and truly move on.

 

You are absolutely right. It doesn't matter how much it hurts right now because if we backslide it'll just hurt even more. I'll continue strict NC because I know it's the only way to finally crawl back out from the hurt and pain and eventually get on with my life.

 

All of you who are much further ahead in the NC process than me are so motivating and inspire me to keep going. It doesn't matter if there are setbacks and I know a lot of you still have bad moments, but I think that's normal in the process of healing. The important thing is that it is getting better. So let's all hang in there.

[coralie]

I'm two steps away from having a breakdown here. He sent me an email telling me that he really was trying to respect my wishes to have no contact, but he really had to tell me this since he's moving out of state to go and live with her, because they're now engaged.

 

I just can't even.....he met her online and has known her for less than 3 months, only seen her in person once for two weeks.

 

Seriously, I would have been better off not knowing. I don't want to have anything to do with him forever and never entertained the thought of a reconcilation at all even if he came back and begged. It wouldn't ever work out because I know I would never ever trust him again, so I had made up my mind about that already, but still, hearing this was a huge blow to me. 3 years meant nothing to him, but barely a few months somehow rang the wedding bells for him.

 

I can't stop shaking.

[misswillow]

Oh my gosh, Coralie, I'm new on this thread, but I am so, so sorry! I can't imagine how you must feel right now, that is my worst nightmare. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't, as I am in a very horrible place myself right now.

 

Wow, your ex is such a jerk for telling you this. What was the need for you to know?? And what kind of crazy is it that he is engaged already, after hardly spending any time with her? Not that you don't realize it, but he's acting completely illogical. I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but I would think it best if you do not respond at all. Ever again.

 

Sometimes I wish there were meetup groups for those of us on here! It seems like a lot of us are in similar situations where we don't have a lot of friends that are single, and so much empty spare time that our exes used to fill. But I guess the next best thing is being able to come online and get support from others that know exactly what you are going through.

[coralie]

I wish there was a meetup group with all of you in it as well, or just for anyone going through breakups and heartbreak, etc. I know there are in some cities, but I checked and there aren't really any near me. I'm so thankful for LS. This place saves me every single day from doing something really stupid or awful that would just make me feel worse and regret it.

 

This news is still eating away at me. I'm trying everything I can to distract myself and to stop thinking about it and to get my mind in a better place, but it's not working. I feel like I was sucker punched. My life has changed so drastically in just a few months time that I don't even recognize it anymore and I don't know where to go from here.