Author dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 i think if guys are young minded emotionally and in social context they tend to push boundaries more so, than someone who has experience and is more mature minded..... i dont think it takes mental instability.....and i think misunderstandings can happen when boundaries are not defined in a socially inept mind....i think that sexual assault is different its about domination and submission and being in control and they have clear purpose and control themselves, they wouldn't apologize or try to make amends.................but thats my opinion as a female......deb I totally agree with you that's why I am very confused. He might be social inept, with girls at least, or potentially mentally unstbale. Its hard to say but there's a huge difference. Moreover, he did apologize yes, but as soon as I told him we are ok just don't contact me again. He made plans to see each other which leads me to believe that the whole point of apology was just to keep in contact with me. And he DID try to dominate physically. It was confusing because his behavior and his gentle speeches don't match. He forcefully kissed me that's why I told him that I would have slapped him and he apologized saying he was overwhelmed by his own emotions. And then the next time this happened. I was upset because I feel manipulated and taken advantage of.
salparadise Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 In trying to piece this together I end up substantially confused. There is all this talk of assault, violence, harassment, but then more recently you explain that it comes down to "he forcefully kissed me," and you were running away with him following and apologizing. It's obvious that your reaction was to freak out, but the question is, was that really justified or was it an overreaction? What does forcefully kissed mean exactly? Did it continue for more than a second or two after you made it known that you didn't want to be kissed? Was he restraining you physically such that you had to wrestle yourself loose? Was he grabbing at your breasts or crotch with his hands? Did he try this just once or multiple times? Is it possible that this was nothing more than an overreaction to him making an advance that you weren't expecting or ready for? This sexual assault/harassment stuff is serious business. If his intent was merely to kiss you, and if he backed off when you weren't receptive, then it could be that both your reaction and the words you're using to describe it are disproportionate. I am just asking for clarification because there seems to be a tendency here to characterize it as more than the details support. 1
TaurusTerp Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 That's his version too , but I like people respecting my opinion. I stopped at least 4 times to tell him to leave me alone and he didn't. I didn't have him to "protect" me everytime that I had to go home late and I am still alive so what's the problem? I was running away from HIM and he follows me to make sure I am safe? .....are you serious? You've never been attacked before, so surely you can't be attacked in the future is your logic?
Bengal Tiger Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 OP, not to cast blame on either of you but it sounds like you are on different wavelengths and are not a good match. It happens to the best of us so don't worry. I can see how both of you could have gotten different ideas. I can totally relate. Move on. There are other guys who may be more compatible for you. 1
pteromom Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 It sounds to me like he definitely has issues with respecting boundaries. Whether he's creepy, socially inept, inexperienced, or aggressive doesn't really matter. Since respecting your boundaries is a big deal for you, he isn't the guy for you, so there is no need to label him. Move on. 1
Author dizy Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 .....are you serious? You've never been attacked before, so surely you can't be attacked in the future is your logic? no that's not my logic. I am saying that I am responsible for my decisions and my safety. He was still a stranger to me and I didn't feel safe AROUDN HIM. So yes, maybe someone would have attacked me that night, but I am responsible and I wouldn't blame him for a second. He choose to ignore my decisions. I think I am old/mature enough to make decisions concerning my safety and my body.
todreaminblue Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 no that's not my logic. I am saying that I am responsible for my decisions and my safety. He was still a stranger to me and I didn't feel safe AROUDN HIM. So yes, maybe someone would have attacked me that night, but I am responsible and I wouldn't blame him for a second. He choose to ignore my decisions. I think I am old/mature enough to make decisions concerning my safety and my body. that is true you are old enough to make your opwn decisions...i dotn know how many times people worry about me when i go walking at night, they dont have a right to say dont go or worry about me and show concern...... the truth is they do have that right as caring human beings not only family and friends just as humans who care, to voice concern or offer assistance considering the fact i have been raped.I choose to walk still but go knowing that i am reclaiming my night.... and every night after.......i understand and appreciate their concern.......you are right you cant blame people for not stopping you...but nor can you blame them for caring in the first place.....to offer to walk you home...i think that is unfair on your behalf....this is my opinion which may or not be justifiable forcefully kissing someone is not assault in my opinion it is inappropriate if that kiss is not desired..... should be dealt with firmly....harassment can come as grabbing fondling kissing.....but i feel if it was intentional and a little violent as you say......it would eb a situation where the guy doesnt chase after you and want to make sure you get home alright..i truly feel i twas unintentional......if you were to take this case to court fo rassault you woudl hav eno chance...... this is it as another poster succinctly put.......boundaries you have dont match his you need a gentle and patient man who is more experienced.....do you have much experience with men and how they act in the heat of the moment good and bad......deb
Estate Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Hi there, I need some opinions on this one since my friends seems to take my side automatically and urge me to avoid him. I went on a couple of dates with this guy who told me that he screws up easily when he meets someone that he really likes and that he doesn't have a lot of experience with girls. He also told me that he really likes me. The problem is that he came on way too strong. I usually need to take the time to know someone and to get intimate with them. He invited me to his apartment on the 3rd date and I didn't think much of it because it's quite common for me to visit my male friends places and I told him that I REALLY need him to take things slow the date before and he agreed. I figured that since we were supposed to work together on a project, I should be able to trust him. He started to get intimate from making out to touching even if I kept telling him that I don't want to get more intimate than that (kissing). I ended up walking away (well almost running) because I felt that he would not stop. Now if everything stops here, I could have taken that as a misunderstanding. Afterall we were at his place and maybe he thought that was supposed to lead to sex. HOWEVER, after I walked out of his place, he followed me, trying to apologize, which is not a problem, he was probably confused and had no idea what he did wrong. BUT I REPEATEDLY told him to leave me alone and he kept following me to my car (which by the way took me 1h to get there). I was really scared because he just kept following me because he "wanted to make sure that I get to my car safely". I was also furious because ONCE AGAIN he didn't respect my decision. I didn't want to get intimate that fast, he didn't care, I wanted him to leave me alone and he didn't. It seems like HE knows whats best for ME. When I went home I was terrified. It felt like sexual assault and I had to cancel a profesional opportunity because I would have to spend 3 days with him. I don't think I can feel safe around him anymore. As time passes, he kept contacting me due to professional reasons (he is just trying to find a reason to talk to me again because those reasons are extremely trivial) I stayed professional. What bothers me is that despite his apologies, I think he has no regret doing what he did. He probably still didn't think what he did was wrong. I set boundaries and clearly told him no but he didn't respect them. I felt like a sexual object and betrayed because I trusted him. The worst part is that I actually had feelings for him and I thought that we had something special. I am hating myself right now because I forgive people easily. My feelings for him started to come back and I started to believe that maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Sorry for the long post, but I really need some unbiased opinions. The more my friends despise what he did and describe him as a monster, the more I seem to sympathize with him because he actually has a nice side. Most likely he's harmless but very inexperienced... He probably thought he should try to man up and not be a wuss and push things forward with you, but when you ended up being upset by it he probably freaked and panicked trying to fix it. It's hard to understand... most guys have been there at some point where we made a mistake with a girl and then just kept thinking we can fix it by being a nice guy a caring for her again and trying to show how nice we are. With more experience you learn to leave well enough alone. It doesn't sounds like he's a creep or weird or harmful, he just seems like he doesn't really know what he's doing.
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