dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Hi there, I need some opinions on this one since my friends seems to take my side automatically and urge me to avoid him. I went on a couple of dates with this guy who told me that he screws up easily when he meets someone that he really likes and that he doesn't have a lot of experience with girls. He also told me that he really likes me. The problem is that he came on way too strong. I usually need to take the time to know someone and to get intimate with them. He invited me to his apartment on the 3rd date and I didn't think much of it because it's quite common for me to visit my male friends places and I told him that I REALLY need him to take things slow the date before and he agreed. I figured that since we were supposed to work together on a project, I should be able to trust him. He started to get intimate from making out to touching even if I kept telling him that I don't want to get more intimate than that (kissing). I ended up walking away (well almost running) because I felt that he would not stop. Now if everything stops here, I could have taken that as a misunderstanding. Afterall we were at his place and maybe he thought that was supposed to lead to sex. HOWEVER, after I walked out of his place, he followed me, trying to apologize, which is not a problem, he was probably confused and had no idea what he did wrong. BUT I REPEATEDLY told him to leave me alone and he kept following me to my car (which by the way took me 1h to get there). I was really scared because he just kept following me because he "wanted to make sure that I get to my car safely". I was also furious because ONCE AGAIN he didn't respect my decision. I didn't want to get intimate that fast, he didn't care, I wanted him to leave me alone and he didn't. It seems like HE knows whats best for ME. When I went home I was terrified. It felt like sexual assault and I had to cancel a profesional opportunity because I would have to spend 3 days with him. I don't think I can feel safe around him anymore. As time passes, he kept contacting me due to professional reasons (he is just trying to find a reason to talk to me again because those reasons are extremely trivial) I stayed professional. What bothers me is that despite his apologies, I think he has no regret doing what he did. He probably still didn't think what he did was wrong. I set boundaries and clearly told him no but he didn't respect them. I felt like a sexual object and betrayed because I trusted him. The worst part is that I actually had feelings for him and I thought that we had something special. I am hating myself right now because I forgive people easily. My feelings for him started to come back and I started to believe that maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Sorry for the long post, but I really need some unbiased opinions. The more my friends despise what he did and describe him as a monster, the more I seem to sympathize with him because he actually has a nice side.
iKING Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 It sounds as though he has very little control over his urges due to inexperience. He also did not respect your boundaries which is not a good thing. I'd say avoid this one. He seems to be showing no respect. Some of it has to do with his inexperience, but he also sounds generally aggressive. 1
Author dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 thanks. The funny thing is he thinks that I am aggressive and that's why he is attracted to me. Because I am ambitious and aggressive. I personally don't think so...
CudLRoo Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Yeah, he reminds me of me at 17, though for an adult male that's pretty odd behaviour, when she say GO!, you go. Hate to ruin it for the bloke, he probably IS a nice guy but given my experience in the field of mental health, he sounds like he could seriously get creepy. Him following you like that, hmmmm............ I mean, I've been known to be a bit shy in relationships to begin with, but you always let the girl touch, kiss first, and make sure they're comfortable with you, else YOU TAKE YOUR DAMN HANDS AWAY!!!!! It freaks me out, I could never force myself on someone unless I had a history with someone and knew what made them tick. Yeah, creepy, WILL be trouble.
iKING Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 thanks. The funny thing is he thinks that I am aggressive and that's why he is attracted to me. Because I am ambitious and aggressive. I personally don't think so... I meant physically aggressive, being a go-getter in your personal life is a bit different then borderline forcing yourself on someone and then following them for an hour. That's just creepy. 1
mortensorchid Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well that story took a turn that I did not expect! All joking aside, do not have anything further to do with this person. Cut him out of your life and never look back. If the project you are working on is for work or a class you are in, ask the boss/teacher to assign you to someone else IMMEDIATELY and explain the situation to them no matter how embarrassing it may be. This guy is a stereotypical type who commits a date rape - comes off as the unsure, happy bumbling fool at first, but he's actually using that MO as an in with an unsuspecting woman before him. Don't believe me? Keep on not believing me, go back, and let him go a little further and further until he truly violates you. This is why women are victims, we are taught to be forgiving and smooth everything over and not think of ourselves, even when we are totally justified in speaking our minds or getting out of a bad situation. Don't be one of them. 4
CudLRoo Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Just gotta say, this forum doesn't half contain some interesting tales!
Author dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Yeah, he reminds me of me at 17, though for an adult male that's pretty odd behaviour, when she say GO!, you go. Hate to ruin it for the bloke, he probably IS a nice guy but given my experience in the field of mental health, he sounds like he could seriously get creepy. Him following you like that, hmmmm............ I mean, I've been known to be a bit shy in relationships to begin with, but you always let the girl touch, kiss first, and make sure they're comfortable with you, else YOU TAKE YOUR DAMN HANDS AWAY!!!!! It freaks me out, I could never force myself on someone unless I had a history with someone and knew what made them tick. Yeah, creepy, WILL be trouble. Thanks for your comment. It's so nice to know that guys also think what he did was off. I wouldn't hesitate 1 second to completely ignore this kind of people usually, but he is actually a very nice guy. he is completely honest and sincere, but well... that's how I found out that he is in his mid 20s and has no previous sexual experience.... I hate labeling people as desperate because people do crazy things when they are in love or lonely, but I also want to protect myself and it seems like he IS quite desperate. I feel like **** because he IS a nice guy and I think I hurt him.
Author dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Well that story took a turn that I did not expect! All joking aside, do not have anything further to do with this person. Cut him out of your life and never look back. If the project you are working on is for work or a class you are in, ask the boss/teacher to assign you to someone else IMMEDIATELY and explain the situation to them no matter how embarrassing it may be. This guy is a stereotypical type who commits a date rape - comes off as the unsure, happy bumbling fool at first, but he's actually using that MO as an in with an unsuspecting woman before him. Don't believe me? Keep on not believing me, go back, and let him go a little further and further until he truly violates you. This is why women are victims, we are taught to be forgiving and smooth everything over and not think of ourselves, even when we are totally justified in speaking our minds or getting out of a bad situation. Don't be one of them. I must say that this was one of the reasons why I didn't really like him despite the fact that I had feelings for him. I mean we barely know each other and he uses the pity card way too often. From his unfortunate childhood to his parents' death to working very hard to support himself. When I was very upset because of his attempt to get intimate he told me that he was sorry, that he screws up everytime he is with someone that he really likes, he wanted me to hit him... it was just weird.
iKING Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks for your comment. It's so nice to know that guys also think what he did was off. I wouldn't hesitate 1 second to completely ignore this kind of people usually, but he is actually a very nice guy. he is completely honest and sincere, but well... that's how I found out that he is in his mid 20s and has no previous sexual experience.... I hate labeling people as desperate because people do crazy things when they are in love or lonely, but I also want to protect myself and it seems like he IS quite desperate. I feel like **** because he IS a nice guy and I think I hurt him. He's going to have to learn boundaries somehow. If it takes some pain, so be it. You're doing him a favor really. He's going to have to learn that crap like that just doesn't fly. No matter how desperate or lonely someone is, they shouldn't be allowed to toss decency out the window.
CudLRoo Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks for your comment. It's so nice to know that guys also think what he did was off. I wouldn't hesitate 1 second to completely ignore this kind of people usually, but he is actually a very nice guy. he is completely honest and sincere, but well... that's how I found out that he is in his mid 20s and has no previous sexual experience.... I hate labeling people as desperate because people do crazy things when they are in love or lonely, but I also want to protect myself and it seems like he IS quite desperate. I feel like **** because he IS a nice guy and I think I hurt him. You probably did but you don't really know him too well, and to be honest I'm only trying to deter you because I fear for your personal safety. He MIGHT end up to be really cool, but the signs - at least to me - aren't great, ESPECIALLY at such an early time. Guys should WAIT, not pressure like that. The fact is, inside he's probably not evil, but with a partner I'm certain he'll be very weird, or there will be some problem sexually. Hate to say this, but I watched Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer online the other day, and, well, I'll say no more. I mean, I feel guilty, I might be totally wrong here, but reading what you initially wrote made me squirm inside, it was a tad disturbing to me, it's just my gut instinct.
SensitiveTJ Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I would recommend not ever seeing this guy again. Very dangerous behavior, as I see it.
ja123 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm with the others on this. Cut him out in no uncertain terms. Don't leave the door open an inch. He is very aggressive and controlling, and I don't buy into his not being experienced at all.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 iKing gave you really good advice dizy. But I have to say, going to visit your male friends is different than going to a guy's place you very well make like, but are still getting to know. Next time, if you want to take it slow, don't go to their place. I am not blaming you for his behavior but this will keep you out of percarious situations. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Hi there, I need some opinions on this one since my friends seems to take my side automatically and urge me to avoid him. I went on a couple of dates with this guy who told me that he screws up easily when he meets someone that he really likes and that he doesn't have a lot of experience with girls. He also told me that he really likes me. The problem is that he came on way too strong. I usually need to take the time to know someone and to get intimate with them. He invited me to his apartment on the 3rd date and I didn't think much of it because it's quite common for me to visit my male friends places and I told him that I REALLY need him to take things slow the date before and he agreed. I figured that since we were supposed to work together on a project, I should be able to trust him. He started to get intimate from making out to touching even if I kept telling him that I don't want to get more intimate than that (kissing). I ended up walking away (well almost running) because I felt that he would not stop. Now if everything stops here, I could have taken that as a misunderstanding. Afterall we were at his place and maybe he thought that was supposed to lead to sex. HOWEVER, after I walked out of his place, he followed me, trying to apologize, which is not a problem, he was probably confused and had no idea what he did wrong. BUT I REPEATEDLY told him to leave me alone and he kept following me to my car (which by the way took me 1h to get there). I was really scared because he just kept following me because he "wanted to make sure that I get to my car safely". I was also furious because ONCE AGAIN he didn't respect my decision. I didn't want to get intimate that fast, he didn't care, I wanted him to leave me alone and he didn't. It seems like HE knows whats best for ME. When I went home I was terrified. It felt like sexual assault and I had to cancel a profesional opportunity because I would have to spend 3 days with him. I don't think I can feel safe around him anymore. As time passes, he kept contacting me due to professional reasons (he is just trying to find a reason to talk to me again because those reasons are extremely trivial) I stayed professional. What bothers me is that despite his apologies, I think he has no regret doing what he did. He probably still didn't think what he did was wrong. I set boundaries and clearly told him no but he didn't respect them. I felt like a sexual object and betrayed because I trusted him. The worst part is that I actually had feelings for him and I thought that we had something special. I am hating myself right now because I forgive people easily. My feelings for him started to come back and I started to believe that maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Sorry for the long post, but I really need some unbiased opinions. The more my friends despise what he did and describe him as a monster, the more I seem to sympathize with him because he actually has a nice side. inexperienced guys dotn knwo what those boundaries involve because they havent been there........as far as sexual assault goes....to me if you have been sexually assaulted you know what it feels like...i would border on sexual harrassment in your case.....and this could be all due to a misunderstanding on his behalf....the walking you to your car....wouldnt read anything into that....... if guy gets fresh with me and touches me in an inappropriate manner......ill let the first one slide...by gaining some distance and a the look.....this is single status if i am in a relationship its different i dont let it slide.....if a guy attempts to touch me again...ill say keep your fingers to yourself or ill bite them off, i haven't had to do it.......thank god.....for that.....most guys laugh but then get this confused look like would she really bite my fingers off and keep a respectful distance...which in turn makes me comfortable.........maybe its the look in my eye.....a guy has asked me beofr eto put his arm around my shoulders and i have said yep but no lower.....so i make it clear....... when i have been sexually assaulted i wasn't allowed to leave or get up...they never made sure i got home alright....and it was violent...i think there is a fine line between harassment and assault but there is a distinction.....i would tell the guy exactly how you felt, exactly what you expect to happen and its your choice whether to make the judgement to see him again maybe based on the discussion you have.....to em that would be a good way to handle the situation.....have the talk over the phone or in a public place as he obviously make syou uncomfortable......best wishes....deb 1
Author dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 inexperienced guys dotn knwo what those boundaries involve because they havent been there........as far as sexual assault goes....to me if you have been sexually assaulted you know what it feels like...i would border on sexual harrassment in your case.....and this could be all due to a misunderstanding on his behalf....the walking you to your car....wouldnt read anything into that....... if guy gets fresh with me and touches me in an inappropriate manner......ill let the first one slide...by gaining some distance and a the look.....this is single status if i am in a relationship its different i dont let it slide.....if a guy attempts to touch me again...ill say keep your fingers to yourself or ill bite them off, i haven't had to do it.......thank god.....for that.....most guys laugh but then get this confused look like would she really bite my fingers off and keep a respectful distance...which in turn makes me comfortable.........maybe its the look in my eye.....a guy has asked me beofr eto put his arm around my shoulders and i have said yep but no lower.....so i make it clear....... when i have been sexually assaulted i wasn't allowed to leave or get up...they never made sure i got home alright....and it was violent...i think there is a fine line between harassment and assault but there is a distinction.....i would tell the guy exactly how you felt, exactly what you expect to happen and its your choice whether to make the judgement to see him again maybe based on the discussion you have.....to em that would be a good way to handle the situation.....have the talk over the phone or in a public place as he obviously make syou uncomfortable......best wishes....deb I see your point. But most often than not, psychological manipulation is more than enough to get something sexual from potential victims. I was assaulted/abused or whatever people would like to call it. and it was by a stranger. The way how I see it, harassment is more smooth and long term, whereas assault is more one shoot and they get what they want out of it. But you are right, there wasn't that much violence involved. As biting their fingers off...well.. when things got a bit awkward on the second date, I told him that I would have slapped him if we didn't have a project in common and I didn't know him at all (which was the case). and I thought he got the message, but apparently not...
TaurusTerp Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Ummm, maybe I'm missing something here. 3rd date, you guys were getting intimate, you stopped it and left, he insisted on walking you to your car or house, you got in and left. Did he do something during the walk? It just sounds to me like he was trying to apologize and get back on your good side. And what kind of guy lets his date walk an hour back to her place alone? Seems like a lose/lose situation for him.
CudLRoo Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Ummm, maybe I'm missing something here. 3rd date, you guys were getting intimate, you stopped it and left, he insisted on walking you to your car or house, you got in and left. Erm, she stopped it and left. Maybe a SIGN? Anyone read 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho????? Edited March 5, 2013 by CudLRoo 1
todreaminblue Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I see your point. But most often than not, psychological manipulation is more than enough to get something sexual from potential victims. I was assaulted/abused or whatever people would like to call it. and it was by a stranger. The way how I see it, harassment is more smooth and long term, whereas assault is more one shoot and they get what they want out of it. But you are right, there wasn't that much violence involved. As biting their fingers off...well.. when things got a bit awkward on the second date, I told him that I would have slapped him if we didn't have a project in common and I didn't know him at all (which was the case). and I thought he got the message, but apparently not... i understand your point on manipulation on a psyche level but that would have to be intentional on his part you dont seem to know if it was intentional, that is why you are asking for advice.......as far as one shoot goes he is still contacting you ...so it isnt one shoot.......and as far as i can read the sexual coercion isnt on going......he is trying to act professional...i would say it was a big mistake on his part he is sorry about.....but you know the guy i dont.....i only read what you post...... i am actually a pacifist......i wouldnt bite anyone fingers or try to unless in a really bad situation...i have threatened it with drunk guys...they back off.....i would be more likely to hit them in the solar plexus one hard fast jab and its over red rover..if i were being severely mauled thats what i would do...then i would skid out fo there as fast as possible before he got his breath back.....i hope....anyway as far as the guy goes....... when you say there wasnt much violence what did he do that you consider to be a little violent.....? 1
Archgirl Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I hate to say it babe but your friends are spot on with this one, this guys is ringing all my dangerous creepy guy alarms simultaneously and I hope if you're honest, they are ringing yours too - trust your instincts they are there for a reason and not to be dismissed as unbelievable because he can be 'nice'. This sounds like scary obsessive stalker rapist guy waiting to happen, he doesn't respect you in the slightest and has no regard for your personal autonomy. Be careful.
Radu Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Ummm, maybe I'm missing something here. 3rd date, you guys were getting intimate, you stopped it and left, he insisted on walking you to your car or house, you got in and left. Did he do something during the walk? It just sounds to me like he was trying to apologize and get back on your good side. And what kind of guy lets his date walk an hour back to her place alone? Seems like a lose/lose situation for him. I was thinking the same, about the walking. Walking all alone 1h at night ... yeah, call me creepy but i couldn't let a girl do that even if she was damn upset about me. If something happens to her, it will be your fault. A compromise solution would have been a cab, but still ...
man_in_the_box Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 inexperienced guys dotn knwo what those boundaries involve because they havent been there........ Actually they do very well. Unless they're mentally unstable but I rest my case.
todreaminblue Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Actually they do very well. Unless they're mentally unstable but I rest my case. i think if guys are young minded emotionally and in social context they tend to push boundaries more so, than someone who has experience and is more mature minded..... i dont think it takes mental instability.....and i think misunderstandings can happen when boundaries are not defined in a socially inept mind....i think that sexual assault is different its about domination and submission and being in control and they have clear purpose and control themselves, they wouldn't apologize or try to make amends.................but thats my opinion as a female......deb
man_in_the_box Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I think you're right when it comes to a situation where the intention is actually ill-intended, like in a case of sexual assault for the purpose of creating some power imbalance that the victim cannot overcome. That's of a whole different order of evil. Then again, I still assume many of these 'incidents' that do not fall in that malicious category aren't that innocent. These guys are probably very aware of what they're doing, and whether it is appropriate or not, but they try it anyway to find out if they can get lucky. 1
Author dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I was thinking the same, about the walking. Walking all alone 1h at night ... yeah, call me creepy but i couldn't let a girl do that even if she was damn upset about me. If something happens to her, it will be your fault. A compromise solution would have been a cab, but still ... That's his version too , but I like people respecting my opinion. I stopped at least 4 times to tell him to leave me alone and he didn't. I didn't have him to "protect" me everytime that I had to go home late and I am still alive so what's the problem? I was running away from HIM and he follows me to make sure I am safe?
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