EAP Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Yesterday I went on a date with a guy. He was really sweet the whole day, he took me for ice cream we walked around a nice park. We had actual conversation and I really enjoyed it. We went back to his place to watch a movie and we ended up cuddling for a while. We kissed a few times and then it got into more.. and he said he really liked me and enjoyed my company.. but then he started getting really sexual and I was too afraid to tell him no.. so I just let him thinking it wouldn't get really far..I even told him I was a virgin so he wouldn't do anything extreme. I ended up letting him touch me and I got him off.. He brought he home, walked me to my door, and kissed me goodnight. We even planned a second date... Today he calls me up and tells me he can't do this anymore because I'm a virgin. He told me he doesn't want to commit to a girlfriend while he's in school. Why would he take me out on a date if he wants to focus on school? Why would he lead me on? Why did he continue even after I told him I was a virgin? Edited March 4, 2013 by EAP
clia Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Ugh, I'm so sorry. At least he was man enough to call you -- most guys just poof. Chalk this up to a lesson learned. This is why it isn't smart to go to a guy's house on a first (or second or third) date. Don't put yourself in a position where in depth making out and clothes coming off can happen. If you don't put yourself in the position, it won't happen and you don't have to worry about feeling like crap afterward. And... We kissed a few times and then it got into more.. and he said he really liked me and enjoyed my company.. but then he started getting really sexual and I was too afraid to tell him no.. so I just let him thinking it wouldn't get really far..I even told him I was a virgin so he wouldn't do anything extreme. Never be too afraid to say "no" when you are uncomfortable. Never.
iKING Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Bravo for not letting yourself get used for sex. Save your virginity for a commited relationship with a guy who really cares about you. The stuff he told you was likely to avoid exposition his motives, he probably thought he would actually have to put work in to get laid.
ascendotum Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Why would he take me out on a date if he wants to focus on school? * A good question to have asked him, when he told you this. Also for the nookie. Why would he lead me on? * For the nookie. Why did he continue even after I told him I was a virgin? * For the nookie. Maybe you are pretty sexy girl and its hard to put the brakes on when you are half naked in his lap and he has a boner. I would suspect he modified his original intentions though. You got out still a virgin. He could very well think you are great girl and maybe he does want a gf, but more of an easy going quasi FWB type arrangement, and did a u-turn on you because he is worried that you will become really clingy and demanding of his attention and time because he will be your first bf. You should avoid going back to the guy's place on the first date if you want to avoid being pressured into sex too soon in future. Edited March 4, 2013 by ascendotum
dizy Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 LOL OP... We have the same problem. You can look at mine here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/377559-excusable-mistake-creepy-behavior I understand it's frustrating, but in contrast to what some people believe, I think that some guys do feel bad/pressure about having sex with a virgin. Because you are supposedly more "innocent/pure" than other girls and you probably wanted to wait for that special someone if you are already in your early 20s. But if you see things differently, you will realize that you probably don't want to have sex with someone that you barely know, not for your first time anyways. I am sure you will find someone who will be more gently patient with you than he did.
mortensorchid Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Crazy. That takes me back. Ha ha ha ... But seriously, the man (if you want to call him that) is a stereotypical early 20s douche. Doesn't matter if you were a virgin or not (or even if that's just what you told him and you actually aren't - and if that was the case, think about THAT fact), you jumped in too quickly to the situation and the guy got scared and that was that. Wrong? Hard to say if it was wrong of either party, it's about growing up. At least he has the courtesy (not to mention the bravery) to let you know on the phone and not via email or text message. Otherwise you're stuck high and dry and that's worse.
Author EAP Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Crazy. That takes me back. Ha ha ha ... But seriously, the man (if you want to call him that) is a stereotypical early 20s douche. Doesn't matter if you were a virgin or not (or even if that's just what you told him and you actually aren't - and if that was the case, think about THAT fact), you jumped in too quickly to the situation and the guy got scared and that was that. Wrong? Hard to say if it was wrong of either party, it's about growing up. At least he has the courtesy (not to mention the bravery) to let you know on the phone and not via email or text message. Otherwise you're stuck high and dry and that's worse. I do respect him for that.. I should have grown some balls and said no to him when it happened, but I didn't. Oh the things I would do with a time machine... I hung up on him and texted him a few minutes later apologizing and he said he felt bad.. but I still feel embarrassed.. and now I have this huge hickey on my neck that i'm scrubbing at to get rid of.
Author EAP Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 LOL OP... We have the same problem. You can look at mine here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/377559-excusable-mistake-creepy-behavior I understand it's frustrating, but in contrast to what some people believe, I think that some guys do feel bad/pressure about having sex with a virgin. Because you are supposedly more "innocent/pure" than other girls and you probably wanted to wait for that special someone if you are already in your early 20s. But if you see things differently, you will realize that you probably don't want to have sex with someone that you barely know, not for your first time anyways. I am sure you will find someone who will be more gently patient with you than he did. I really hope so.. He was a gentleman afterwards too so that's what.. made me believe. Sigh.. he was really good with conversation too.. I'm sure he had the best intentions but man.. was I foolish. Again.. Time machine would be helpful.
iKING Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 and now I have this huge hickey on my neck that i'm scrubbing at to get rid of. Toothpaste and foundation. Old middle school trick
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 You can never judge a guy on the first date. Many guys come from decent families that teach them how to act...somewhat like a gentlemen. This gives off the facade that he's a respectable and nice guy that is genuinely interested. What some guys learn is they can get away with anything as long as they put the pressure on and give it a try, when a woman says No they just feel they'll still try and see what happens. They also are controlled by their desire to have sex with you, so they'll push farther given the right situation...some ignoring your rejection or feeling rejected over it. Why would he take me out on a date if he wants to focus on school? This was mainly an excuse, he has time to have sex with you but that's about it. Why would he lead me on? He led you to believe what exactly? that he genuinely wanted to sleep with you and was a "decent" guy? All guys do that...if they can, if they can't then they just act like jerks and you put out anyway. It's the same difference, the intentions were the same. Why did he continue even after I told him I was a virgin? Because you were in his house and it was the perfect opportunity to grope you and pressure you into having sex. He didn't really listen or care about that, he just wanted what he wanted in the moment. You've got to be able to tell a boy no, and you've got to avoid these situations unless you're ready to deal with this situation. When you're an adult, they'll be no confusion about this. Even though still in some circumstances it may not be an invitation to sex still, at least by then you should know how to walk away or put your foot down from a situation you don't want to be in. Now that he didn't get what he wanted...he realizes this is going to take some effort and work, and it's not going to be easy enough to get sex, it'll be a time investment. He just took what he could get...you getting him off...then decided he'll go after someone easier or more willing to have sex...he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you he just wants to get laid (if he can manage it).
Author EAP Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 You can never judge a guy on the first date. Many guys come from decent families that teach them how to act...somewhat like a gentlemen. This gives off the facade that he's a respectable and nice guy that is genuinely interested. What some guys learn is they can get away with anything as long as they put the pressure on and give it a try, when a woman says No they just feel they'll still try and see what happens. They also are controlled by their desire to have sex with you, so they'll push farther given the right situation...some ignoring your rejection or feeling rejected over it. Why would he take me out on a date if he wants to focus on school? This was mainly an excuse, he has time to have sex with you but that's about it. Why would he lead me on? He led you to believe what exactly? that he genuinely wanted to sleep with you and was a "decent" guy? All guys do that...if they can, if they can't then they just act like jerks and you put out anyway. It's the same difference, the intentions were the same. Why did he continue even after I told him I was a virgin? Because you were in his house and it was the perfect opportunity to grope you and pressure you into having sex. He didn't really listen or care about that, he just wanted what he wanted in the moment. You've got to be able to tell a boy no, and you've got to avoid these situations unless you're ready to deal with this situation. When you're an adult, they'll be no confusion about this. Even though still in some circumstances it may not be an invitation to sex still, at least by then you should know how to walk away or put your foot down from a situation you don't want to be in. Now that he didn't get what he wanted...he realizes this is going to take some effort and work, and it's not going to be easy enough to get sex, it'll be a time investment. He just took what he could get...you getting him off...then decided he'll go after someone easier or more willing to have sex...he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you he just wants to get laid (if he can manage it). Thank you for this. I feel a bit better, but I still feel ashamed of what I did. I suppose we all have to learn, and this was my time.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Thank you for this. I feel a bit better, but I still feel ashamed of what I did. I suppose we all have to learn, and this was my time. You could've done something a lot more regretful/hurtful and if you had sex with him I'm sure he would've strung along. Even though that was unlikely. By rejecting him you unwittingly tested him to see how interested he really was in you...and he had to think how interested he really was in you. That is why it's extremely important to the woman's interest to hold out on sexual activity if she's looking for a relationship. Most men will veer off that would have otherwise continued to fake interest if they were getting sex out of you. And he revealed that he wasn't looking for a relationship, which many guys still will lead you on with more dates just to sleep with you and then tell you. Both ways they were lying to you, but the sooner the better for you and most guys will lie anyway if they see an opportunity to get what they want..but they're lazy about effort and time investment. You were under pressure and a lot of women don't know how to say stop, but you've got to practice that. You gotta respect yourself more than you ever should feel you have to please another guy, most of them are just trying to get what they can, so don't let yourself become a victim over their desperation or adding notches to the belt. Also make sure in the future that any situation one on one will likely lead to some kind of sexual activity with a lot of guys, some guys don't have the confidence and hold off and a few are respectable human beings. But don't count on that, you think ahead and remember what situation you are going to put yourself in, don't do anything you feel will mislead a guy or tell him exactly where your limits are and look him straight in the eye like you'd bite his weewee off or chop of his balls...guys are scared of women who are psychos so it might do you well to pretend to act like one you don't have to be mr's sweetheart, men like women who are a bit abrasive and confident. So remember, most guys are after sex. Time will reveal what a man's interest is no matter what love song he sings and dances to, never just listen to a guy and judge by his short-term behavior...it's like a cars sales man, they're looking to close a deal....not to be your good buddy.
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