bvelvet Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I realize everyone's situation is different but I wanted to update MY situation and let people know it can get better after a painful separation/divorce... and quickly. When my wife left me for the 2nd time(and again another man was involved) and clearly let me know that she didn't "love me like a wife should love a husband" I hit rock bottom. I went through the natural phases of grief but the one that was necessary (and is still somewhat there) was ANGER. For our entire first reconciliation and when she left again I took all the blame (even though it was her that cheated and lied). the KEY FOR ME WAS TO GET ANGRY. This was enough for me to take her off the pedestal I had put her on for so long and look at the situation for what it was. My wife left right before Thanksgiving and our 10-year anniversary. Within a month and a half I had my first date. Since the New Year I had 16 or 17 more. I made it a mission to have fun and remember that there are great people out there. I am lucky that I live in NY City (with so many new people to meet) and have a great group of friends who supported me immensely. Without both these thing it would have been much harder. I also started speaking to a life coach. I can't recommend this enough! Am I whole yet? No. But I'm OK and the key is I believe that what happened didn't happen TO me but FOR me. This is the key distinction that is necessary to move forward. I'm lucky we didn't have kids or a lot of shared assets. Today I met her to show her the settlement agreement and she was teary eyed. I felt for her but not like I did a few months ago and tonight I am seeing a new woman in my life that gives me butterflies... I didn't think I could feel this away so soon. 4
2.50 a gallon Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 bvelvet Good for you. I have long maintained that the sooner one is able to get back into the dating game the better. After the break up of my marriage I found myself sucked into a black hole of hopelessness and despair. And then one day a pretty face looked down and asked if I wanted to come out and play, and I was once again soaring with eagles. And to be honest my sex life also soared, which destroyed my Ex as she realized I was no longer hers 1
Author bvelvet Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thanks 2.5 gallon. We just signed papers... not an easy day for me for sure but seemed much harder for her. Onwards upwards I hope. 1
SmokeRat Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 bvelvet I have long maintained that the sooner one is able to get back into the dating game the better. I've been told the complete opposite sadly, that I should take a year or two and rediscover myself. Frankly, I say poo poo to that. I've been sexually repressed for the past three years while my wife has been running around with her legs wide open. Soon as I'm out on my own, I think I may just take up the offers that my brothers/sisters have been sending my way at the Fire Hall.
health Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Congrats! Just make sure the main reason your happy isn't because of the new relationship. Tjere really are no quick fixes, rebound and healing relationships help numb the pain. The trick is not to make them too serious. I dated several girls after my break up. They helped heal. I'm still searching for a ling term relationship. I'm just happy with my college work family, my hobbies etc...plus quit drinking etc...I used my break up as a huge growth process.
Gunny376 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 “You cannot go around and keep score. If you keep score on the good things and the bad things, you'll find out that you're a very miserable person. God gave man the ability to forget, which is one of the greatest attributes you have. Because if you remember everything that's happened to you, you generally remember that which is the most unfortunate.” ― Hubert H. Humphrey Balance my Friend ~ balance. You've got to forgive those that have transgressed against us ~ not only for their sake but for for YOUR sake, for the sake your own mental, physical, emotional and pyschological health. WE can forgive but we do not have to forget ~ and forgiveness doesn't mean taking them back into our lives. I have forgiven my ex (OK ~ I'm working on it alright!) but I will never forget what she's done to me! I recognize that she is flawed ~ which is not to mean I seek perfection. In the 55 years I've been up and about walking around on the planet? I've yet to personally meet one person that is perfect and I have only heard of the One that is. Even that is of doubt? But I choose to believe in Jesus Christ ~ not because of some dude from Argentina that now sits upon the Papal throne ~ nor because I've been drugged into church every time the doors were open since the day I was born? But I digress into another discussion in it entirety? Anger especially toward any one particular person is complete and futile waste of time, effort, and energy (mental, emotional, psychological) better invested in other people and efforts that yield a much greater return on investment (ROI) Why did your DW and the DW's and DH ~ SO's cheat? Simply because they are undisciplined, lacking in self control, simple minded ~ prone to bi-polar logic? Simply because they're self-centered, selfish, narcissistic, weak-minded, individuals constantly seeking the validation of their mental, emotional, psychological "beings" They're immature ~ emotionally, mentally, pyschological, and even spiritually "stunted in their growth. They're constantly looking for their "Fix" that they're "OK!" It is the self knowledge that you do not need nor seek the validation of others ~ that you are self validating in and of yourself ~ that should be the foundation of your recovery from your multi-engine train wreck of a marriage/relationship. You don't need the validation of others, nor do you need the affirmation for you to exist as you are ~ and for who you are? This comes from within ~ not without! 2
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I've been told the complete opposite sadly, that I should take a year or two and rediscover myself. Frankly, I say poo poo to that. I've been sexually repressed for the past three years while my wife has been running around with her legs wide open. Soon as I'm out on my own, I think I may just take up the offers that my brothers/sisters have been sending my way at the Fire Hall. I don't think you should wait a year to go out and meet girls and play. But its probably best to wait until a year after finalizing to start looking for a real relationship. I can definitely see how that would be beneficial to all involved. But for sure, get out there and have a good time when you can. Just be upfront and honest with the women.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 BB and SR Even though it was 30 years ago, I too got similar advise. Though I did get back into dating, I held back on getting too deep into a relationship. Three months after my separation, a hot looking co-worker separated from her future Ex and we hit it off from day one. Listening to the advise of not getting involved too early, I backed off. Six months to a year later I realized that perhaps I had screwed up a possible good thing. It was too late, I was not on the same list as her Ex
Steadfast Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 There's some pretty tipsy advice being tossed around here. Jumping right into bed with someone else so soon after a marriage breakup is 99.9% a very bad idea. For you, and for the people you're dating. Mostly you. What's being said here feeds neediness and dependance. I'm being left out. She's having all the fun. I'm repressed. This is not the path to healing. Frankly, I'm shocked your life coach didn't loudly object OP. On the other hand, a quick return to the saddle might indicate you never really loved your spouse. Not really. The thought of being with another woman made me ill after our split. The rebound that followed didn't help much in the long run, but having female attention at the time was like cold, clear water to a person stranded in the desert. It felt good. At the very least, wait until the divorce is final. You don't need the validation of others, nor do you need the affirmation for you to exist as you are ~ and for who you are? This comes from within ~ not without! Solid. And spoken by someone who knows what's best for the big picture. Divorce brings out the worst in most people. It's not surprising many can't see the forest for the trees. Neediness slows healing. Know that. 2
Author bvelvet Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 There's some pretty tipsy advice being tossed around here. Jumping right into bed with someone else so soon after a marriage breakup is 99.9% a very bad idea. For you, and for the people you're dating. Mostly you. What's being said here feeds neediness and dependance. I'm being left out. She's having all the fun. I'm repressed. This is not the path to healing. Frankly, I'm shocked your life coach didn't loudly object OP. On the other hand, a quick return to the saddle might indicate you never really loved your spouse. Not really. The thought of being with another woman made me ill after our split. The rebound that followed didn't help much in the long run, but having female attention at the time was like cold, clear water to a person stranded in the desert. It felt good. At the very least, wait until the divorce is final. Solid. And spoken by someone who knows what's best for the big picture. Divorce brings out the worst in most people. It's not surprising many can't see the forest for the trees. Neediness slows healing. Know that. I'm not sure I understand the need to judge one's healing process like this. This didn't happen yesterday... it is now well over 2 years since it started (was when the first time she pulled away and subsequently moved out). I stressed that dating was/is helpful to me... not necessarily for everyone... and not just to put a bandaid on a wound or "feed neediness". For me it was/is part of the process of remembering that there are a world of great people out there (not just the one you imagined spending lifetimes together with). Most importantly it began my mental shift of seeing this as happening FOR me not TO me. I am not an island and although I can be alone I see no reason to force that upon myself. I live my life with one very specific paradigm in mind... I am free to do whatever makes me happy unless it infringes on the happiness of others...none of my choices since my wife left have violated this rule and I am as proud of my relative "recovery" as I am of my sincere and thorough efforts to save my marriage. 3
aMguilts Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 i guess we all have our own little ways of dealing with whatever is thrown our way. One mans/womans poison is another mans/womans medicine and vice versa there will never be a right or wrong way in which to live your life We can learn by our mistakes and try to endeavour that they are ever repeated again in the future Alas, some of the things we do are `ingrained` within us. We just can`t help ourselves making the same mistakes over and over again, menatlly thinking to ourselves `ok next time, i won`t do that, or i`ll do this` bottom line well i`m with you bevelvet as long as whatever you do makes you happy and it doesn`t hurt anyone else, than thats all that matters aM
Steadfast Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 bottom line well i`m with you bevelvet as long as whatever you do makes you happy and it doesn`t hurt anyone else, than thats all that matters aM I'm not, and never will be. Yes, I 'judged'. Good judgement says not to get involved, sexually, mentally or emotionally while suffering the loss of another relationship. Unless, like I said, you never really loved them. Then? It doesn't matter. Using someone else to make you feel better or regain happiness (temporary or otherwise) is hurting someone else. It's this twisted, short-sided, 'me first' entitlement that sends people to these boards by the droves. Good advice is delivered with authority. That's caring. Not judging. Otherwise, just wish him luck and move on. A lot of good that'll do.
luv2b3fun Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Good for you hun. Sounds like everything happened for a reason and your ex wife didnt deserve or appreciate you. Good luck with the new woman in your life.
Author bvelvet Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Good for you hun. Sounds like everything happened for a reason and your ex wife didnt deserve or appreciate you. Good luck with the new woman in your life. Thank you! There are times I miss my ex but I am enjoying getting to know someone new and getting to better know myself. 1
Gunny376 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Thank you! There are times I miss my ex but I am enjoying getting to know someone new and getting to better know myself. That's the ticket! That's what I'm a talkin' about! Stand up and testify Brother! Stand up and testify! Don't hold nuthin' back! :bunny: :bunny: 1
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