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How much time should pass before a couple tries again?


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Posted

I posted about my breakup in a previous thread: Sherlock Holmes couldn't figure this out & Dilemma: To see him or not to see him.

 

Anyway, in short, my breakup happened 7 months ago. Unfortunately I did not proceed with NC as early as I should have. We were in contact for 6 months after the breakup, and saw each other a couple of times per month. This was mostly initiated by me. Anyway, I've gone complete NC now for the past month and a bit. To my surprise, he emailed me a week ago to suggest we meet to catch up (and he could also return some of my things). I haven't decided what to do as of yet.

 

My question concerns how long a couple should wait before attempting a second chance...or even simply discussing the possibility. My ex and I had discussed this previously and he believes a couple cannot try again for a long while...up to a year or more. He believes that the troubles that led to the breakup in the first place will surface and happen all over again and the relationship wouldn't stand a flying chance.

 

What do you all think? Is it better to try earlier rather than later? Or would giving things time to settle and become more objective work out for the better? I'm also concerned with leaving TOO much time between breakup and reconciliation. I'm of the mind that 'out of sight, out of mind' plays true. HOWEVER, I can also see how the opposite is true. If a couple breaks up, both people have a chance to get out there and date other people, let go of intense emotions, reflect on the relationship more objectively, and so on. Perhaps after all of these things take place, one might consider they actually had a good thing with their ex. What do you think?

Posted

I'd imagine the more time that passes, the better it would be. It gives both people more time away from the situation to grow and figure out what each person wants (sadly what they want may not be us). If you try again too early and haven't done anything to change, the same problems are bound to resurface and they probably won't want you anyway because you're the person they left.

 

On the flip side however, time away allows us to grow and mature. Just like time does this for us, it also does this for them. So although we may still love them and love the idea of trying things again, they may have moved on, found someone else, or just feel that we are not compatible with them anymore. One thing I took away from my first session with my counselor today is that people CHANGE.

 

If he's telling you he thinks that problems will still resurface 7 months after the BU. It's probably too soon to be thinking about that. I don't know how you could bring that idea up to him anyway, I feel like they would need to be the one to mention it to us.

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Posted

Wait? Wasn't this the same guy that...Masturbated in front of you, as you where crying? If it is, why, for crying out loud, would you want to be with him again?

 

He has you wrapped up pretty good, no?

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Posted

na49--You're right in that I don't think I could be the one to bring it up. I've done that a million and three times. He keeps explaining he needs to 'do his thing' and 'figure things out', whatever that means. On the whole it sounds like he does need time away. Perhaps forever. I agree with what your counsellor said. People do CHANGE. It's scary. We change constantly throughout our lives so what's to say the person we finally end up with doesn't completely change on us one day?

 

Todd, yes this is the same guy who chose to jerk off in front of me because I turned his sexual advances down--one last romp in the hay before we went our separate ways. I honestly don't know who 'that guy' was, because he sure wasn't the one I dated for a year. I know it's a completely terrible thing he did to me, but at the same time it was 'one' incident and not characteristic of the way he treated me while in the relationship. Was it a disgusting act and completely disrespectful towards me at a time when I was so vulnerable? Yes, most definitely. But I'm having a hard time judging that one isolated incident against the entire course of what happened in our relationship--which was a great one...until the end. I'm having a hard time knowing that he could just 'flip' and treat me the way he has. He ended things, turned on me seemingly overnight, and now he's out dating every night of the week and living it up! No thoughts whatsoever as to what he put me through or how he made me feel. I guess I just want back what we had for the 'majority' of the relationship. I really believe a couple can get things back on track if they are both willing.

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Posted

Yeah, they can, if both are willing. But he certainly crossed a deep-line. If he randomly done you that way once, he can again. Past actions tend to indicate future actions. I could be wrong, but...I wouldn't give him no-more chances.

 

He is uncaring. So much more then that! I just have a feeling, that you will end up very hurt, yet again...Plus, looking like a fool. You should have more self-respect. I do understand, that you love him, but...Just not right.

 

That is the way I see it, of course. Others may view it differently...Experience tells me, it won't be good. It might for a while, but not forever....Just throw caution to the wind, if you should choose to get back together with him.

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Posted

Yeah, I tend to agree with you--I don't know that it would necessarily work out for the long-term if we ever did try thing again. Plus, you're right, he did cross a terrible line when he showed me the ultimate act of disrespect. I told him many many times how horrible it was, and he laughed. Finally he came around and said sorry, but sometimes an apology just can't take certain things like that away.

 

I do need more self-respect. All I can keep focusing on is the fact that he doesn't want me. I should be focusing on all of those terrible things he said and did post-breakup. It's just hard because he was such a great boyfriend when we were together.

 

He still wants to meet and catch up, plus return some of my things. I'm not sure if I should do this or not still....Part of me wants to see him because every other instance of us being in contact has been negative. I would like to finally leave him with a positive impression. However, I am nervous about it putting me back. I haven't seen him since Christmas and I'm worried all of the old feelings will come rushing back. So I'm not sure about which option is best here.

Posted

I am afraid I do not know how I should answer that...Right now, I am feeling very weak; though I want to help you, I am unsure if I am capable of that...I wouldn't want to give you the wrong advice

Posted
na49--You're right in that I don't think I could be the one to bring it up. I've done that a million and three times. He keeps explaining he needs to 'do his thing' and 'figure things out', whatever that means. On the whole it sounds like he does need time away. Perhaps forever. I agree with what your counsellor said. People do CHANGE. It's scary. We change constantly throughout our lives so what's to say the person we finally end up with doesn't completely change on us one day?

 

Todd, yes this is the same guy who chose to jerk off in front of me because I turned his sexual advances down--one last romp in the hay before we went our separate ways. I honestly don't know who 'that guy' was, because he sure wasn't the one I dated for a year. I know it's a completely terrible thing he did to me, but at the same time it was 'one' incident and not characteristic of the way he treated me while in the relationship. Was it a disgusting act and completely disrespectful towards me at a time when I was so vulnerable? Yes, most definitely. But I'm having a hard time judging that one isolated incident against the entire course of what happened in our relationship--which was a great one...until the end. I'm having a hard time knowing that he could just 'flip' and treat me the way he has. He ended things, turned on me seemingly overnight, and now he's out dating every night of the week and living it up! No thoughts whatsoever as to what he put me through or how he made me feel. I guess I just want back what we had for the 'majority' of the relationship. I really believe a couple can get things back on track if they are both willing.

 

That incident is part of who he is. You can't just delete it and act like it never happened.

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Posted

This is true.

 

I have a question for the men out there. In brief, my ex broke up with me out of the blue. Upset and shocked, I went upstairs to collect my things. He followed me upstairs and tried to talk to me a little. But...he became frisky and tried to have sex with me. He said "maybe it will help to bring some feelings back". When I said no, he said he was too 'fired up' and needed to finish himself off....while I sat there still in the midst of tears after only receiving the news that we were done. What was honestly going through his head? Why would he have been so disrespectful towards me? What would possess a person to do that kind of thing in this kind of situation?

 

Please know that he was a great, caring and supportive boyfriend all the way through our relationship...until it was done. I would have NEVER seen this coming.

Posted (edited)
This is true.

 

I have a question for the men out there. In brief, my ex broke up with me out of the blue. Upset and shocked, I went upstairs to collect my things. He followed me upstairs and tried to talk to me a little. But...he became frisky and tried to have sex with me. He said "maybe it will help to bring some feelings back". When I said no, he said he was too 'fired up' and needed to finish himself off....while I sat there still in the midst of tears after only receiving the news that we were done. What was honestly going through his head? Why would he have been so disrespectful towards me? What would possess a person to do that kind of thing in this kind of situation

 

Please know that he was a great, caring and supportive boyfriend all the way through our relationship...until it was done. I would have NEVER seen this coming.

 

Sick, sick, sick! I'll tell you what was going through his head: His own wants and needs! This guy sounds like a real maggot! What A$%hole rips your heart out and then wants to have sex? When I was informed of my SBXW's affairs she tried that crap too. The last thing I ever want from that idiot is to be intimate with her.....I'd rather become a monk than ever touch her again.

 

You said it yourself, "he WAS a great, caring, and supportive boyfriend"; he doesn't sound like that anymore. Just remember this: We're all on our best behavior for 6 - 12 months. Crap, mine was on hers for almost 10 years.

Edited by TheBladeRunner
Posted

Your best option is separation and distance. He made it clear that he doesn't want to try at least in the near future. Accept it and move on. Go no contact and try dating other guys. In 6+ months if you both happen to be single then you can entertain a reunion. Hopefully you end up happy with someone else and it doesn't even matter.

 

Get your things so there is nothing to draw you back. Be brave and put on a strong face. Keep it short and down to business. Say goodbye and mean it.

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Posted

He truly was wrapped up in his own needs! Do you think that one, isolated incident is enough to never want to try again with him??

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Posted

I'm very mixed. He was a different person but as you mentioned bladerunner, I acknowledge that a persons true colours aren't shown in the 'honeymoon' phases of a relationship. But seriously I never would have expected THIS. He's 32 years old!!! We're not talking about a boy in his teens here. I just don't understand how he could have brought himself to this when I was at my lowest and most vulnerable. Whenever I bring it up he says he was sorry but you can tell by his tone that he is simply annoyed by me talking about it. He seems to have a way of justifying ALL of his behavior.

Posted (edited)

Why do you desire such an awful person? In this case, yes, one horrible example of behavior (coupled with his apparent lack of remorse) is enough. Had he hit you, would you just overlook it as "one, isolated incident"? Don't you have boundaries? This guy was emotionally abusive -- look how much of a mess you are.

Edited by Simon Phoenix
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Posted

Oh no, if he had hurt me physically, I would never ever in a million years go back. Not even if it only happened one time.

 

This despicable act happened after we broke up. I don't know why I feel like that's a way of justifying it. I believe if we were still in the relationship, he wouldn't have done anything like that. He never did anything of the sort while we were still together.

 

I keep having these thoughts about him being the perfect man for whatever new girl he ends up with. He will do anything in his power to protect that relationship if he believes she is 'The One'. He was this way with me afterall...until it fell apart. But if he never plans on losing her, he'll never show this side of himself. Ever.

Posted
Oh no, if he had hurt me physically, I would never ever in a million years go back. Not even if it only happened one time.

 

This despicable act happened after we broke up. I don't know why I feel like that's a way of justifying it. I believe if we were still in the relationship, he wouldn't have done anything like that. He never did anything of the sort while we were still together.

 

I keep having these thoughts about him being the perfect man for whatever new girl he ends up with. He will do anything in his power to protect that relationship if he believes she is 'The One'. He was this way with me afterall...until it fell apart. But if he never plans on losing her, he'll never show this side of himself. Ever.

 

I brought up the physical abuse angle because the way you talk about this guy is similar to the way battered women talk about the abusers they still love. You continue to qualify and justify this man's abhorrent behavior. I don't care if it happened once or the situation behind it. Good men do not act in that manner. Stop trying to rationalize it.

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Posted
I brought up the physical abuse angle because the way you talk about this guy is similar to the way battered women talk about the abusers they still love. You continue to qualify and justify this man's abhorrent behavior. I don't care if it happened once or the situation behind it. Good men do not act in that manner. Stop trying to rationalize it.

 

You're not the first person to say this to me. I realize I'm trying to rationalize it. I know it's terrible what he did. I couldn't imagine anyone who in their right mind would be capable of doing something such as that. This is what I keep trying to remind myself of. Even in the moments after just suddenly breaking my heart, all he thought about was getting sex. When he was clearly turned down, he jerked off...while I sat there crying. THAT was the way he chose to deal with the situation. My feelings didn't mean anything and actually as I'm typing this, I'm getting annoyed. I have to try and remember how it made me feel in the moment, how I was so totally disrespected and that most men would NOT think of doing something that despicable.

Posted
This is true.

 

I have a question for the men out there. In brief, my ex broke up with me out of the blue. Upset and shocked, I went upstairs to collect my things. He followed me upstairs and tried to talk to me a little. But...he became frisky and tried to have sex with me. He said "maybe it will help to bring some feelings back". When I said no, he said he was too 'fired up' and needed to finish himself off....while I sat there still in the midst of tears after only receiving the news that we were done. What was honestly going through his head? Why would he have been so disrespectful towards me? What would possess a person to do that kind of thing in this kind of situation?

 

Please know that he was a great, caring and supportive boyfriend all the way through our relationship...until it was done. I would have NEVER seen this coming.

 

One of the most hideous and unbelievable acts I have ever heard of...

 

What could he possibly have been thinking???

 

TFPY

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Posted
One of the most hideous and unbelievable acts I have ever heard of...

 

What could he possibly have been thinking???

 

TFPY

 

That's what I'm trying to figure out!! He dropped the break up bomb out of absolutely nowhere. Of course I was shocked and wanted to discuss things but he basically just snapped at me. Said he fell out of love with me, that I was no longer his priority and that he finally had to pull the trigger--couldn't drag it out any longer. Shortly afterwards is when I went upstairs and this despicable situation took place. He even said "maybe it'll bring some emotions back". He said he was too fired up when I refused his advances and he couldn't just leave things...he was "too fired up". I was sitting there crying because he just broke up with me less than an hour before. He really didn't give a crap how I was feeling. I have NO IDEA what would possess another person to do that. Something is wrong with him.

Posted
That's what I'm trying to figure out!! He dropped the break up bomb out of absolutely nowhere. Of course I was shocked and wanted to discuss things but he basically just snapped at me. Said he fell out of love with me, that I was no longer his priority and that he finally had to pull the trigger--couldn't drag it out any longer. Shortly afterwards is when I went upstairs and this despicable situation took place. He even said "maybe it'll bring some emotions back". He said he was too fired up when I refused his advances and he couldn't just leave things...he was "too fired up". I was sitting there crying because he just broke up with me less than an hour before. He really didn't give a crap how I was feeling. I have NO IDEA what would possess another person to do that. Something is wrong with him.

 

 

Thats just absolutely bizarre,,,,

 

Sorry, but are you really entertaining the idea of taking him back?? I hope not!!

 

TFOY

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Posted

I don't really think getting back together is an option. He has made it pretty clear that 7 months ago he fell out of love with me and just doesn't ever see it happening again.

 

Ironically, he did text me this evening and just said "Hiya, how are you doing?" I think it's because he still has some of my things and told me he'd be reaching out at some point so we could meet to exchange. I haven't written back. I don't really know what to say. Plus I'm mixed about whether or not I should actually see him in person or not. Every time we've met up he's seen me as a bumbling mess. I've made improvements and so it would be nice to have him see me more composed. I just don't know.

Posted

Reestablishing a Relationship

 

 

It appears you may have an interest in reestablishing a romantic relationship. Here are some points to consider. Please note that some of these points might sting.

 

 

Relationships start because both parties considered they could get what they want in a relationship from each other. They find each other appealing.

 

 

One of the parties turn away from a relationship when they recognize they cannot get something that they really consider important. To put it another way, one person finds the other to be unappealing.

 

 

The most appealing thing in a relationship is the flow of meaningful communication within the relationship. The kind where both of you are comfortable to share intimate personal details about yourselves with each other.

 

 

Your comments seem to suggest you were clueless about the status of your relationship, thus giving the impression that real meaningful communication was lacking.

 

 

It seems that the relationship had faded for some time and he was still with you because of sexual reasons.

 

 

When someone no longer has feelings for you, they usually fail to recognize you still have your feelings for them. Some people have a tendency to be oblivious to feelings they are not feeling themselves.

 

 

Since it was only sexual for him for some time, and because of the absence of any feelings towards you, he probably didn’t think twice about asking you for sex as he was cutting you off. It probably wasn’t real to him that you would be upset.

 

 

Due to his lack of feelings towards you, it is possible he will seem callous and insensitive to your feelings.

 

 

If you want to reestablish the romantic relationship, I would start by establishing meaningful communication with him. The objective would be for him to open up and start taking.

Posted
I don't really think getting back together is an option. He has made it pretty clear that 7 months ago he fell out of love with me and just doesn't ever see it happening again.

 

Ironically, he did text me this evening and just said "Hiya, how are you doing?" I think it's because he still has some of my things and told me he'd be reaching out at some point so we could meet to exchange. I haven't written back. I don't really know what to say. Plus I'm mixed about whether or not I should actually see him in person or not. Every time we've met up he's seen me as a bumbling mess. I've made improvements and so it would be nice to have him see me more composed. I just don't know.

Honestly? Tell him to go **** himself. Whatever he has of yours is worth losing just to never see him again.
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Posted

He has 5 of my FAVOURITE things (won't go into detail)...some I just bought and forked out a lot of cash. So I may just say mail it or to drop it off on his way to work (he passes by my place but I leave way earlier so I won't see him).

 

I can just forsee him complaining and trying to persuade me to meet up and do it in person. I just don't want him to think I'm testing him or playing games. I want him to think I actually don't care to see him.

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