Jingle14 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) We got back together after a very brief split (during which we'd continued to see each other, often spending the night together, but he was adamant his feelings were 'dead'). He knew though that this visit to his house to 'chat' was different and that I wouldn't be back and it was during this evening he let his guard down and 'let go of logic and let feelings take over' and admitted to still having 'very strong' feelings for me, and we were 'us' again - as happy, tactile, close and passionate as when we first got together. And, as it often goes, just over 3 months later he dumped me again - we never did address the communication issues we'd had the first time. I remember the date - I wish I didn't - because it was the day before my son's birthday, so that will forever be imprinted on my mind. And on my way home this evening, I passed his car. Now I'm gloomy and reflective but have to put the face on for my excited son - when he gets home from dinner out with his dad and grandparents - who can't wait for tomorrow. I've been drawn back to this site after a brief break - always am in times of weakness - and I know neither me, or the significance of today, will cross his mind for a milisecond, and that makes me feel worse, to know I didn't matter and that he didn't give a **** when I literally idolised him and showered him with unconditional love, and support during difficult times (unlike him with me, he threw me to the lions pretty much). I know he's weak, cowardly, pathetic and a compulsive liar, completely undeserving of me, so why is this man still so much under my skin - I just don't understand it. And he wasn't my first love and I'm not 18, I'm 48 and have been through break ups before (including my 23 year marriage) but he was the only man I ever loved (which I realised during our time together). This is literally the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with, and I haven't had an easy life, I've fought for what I've achieved. I was replaced as easily as litter in a cat tray and without a backward glance (although we did hug for an hour last year - I can still remember his head nestled into my neck, his eyes closed, completely relaxed and natural, our arms tightly wrapped around each other. But 2 days later he pretty much ignored me when I bumped into him in a pub). Why does this man still matter to me when commonsense tells me he's a ****? Can anyone help me make sense of this at all? I have to know this hold he has over me - and doesn't even know it - will end. I'm not weak either, I'm told I can be very intimidating, I'm strong, fiercely independent and generally assertive so I just don't get it. I'm so angry with myself, and I'm angry every time I drive the long way around - or stay in - purely to avoid certain places (he lives and works in my neighbourhood). Edited March 4, 2013 by Jingle14
winstonsdreams Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 It's because you loved him that you still think of him, that is natural. It's always good to come here when you are feeling weak, either for advice or to just vent a little. I am right there with you, we can't just delete these people from our minds, unless you want a lobotomy or something. I don't know how we move on, time helps a lot but generally the memories will always be there. People are s*** sometimes, he is probably dealing with it in his own little way. You are strong and you are worth more, i guess until you find someone else you will still think about the last one. It is hard and we are going through the same thing as you, just be strong and keep moving forward. He doesn't have a hold over you, you have a hold over yourself. Good luck! 1
cdt76 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 It took three years to fully heal from truly loving someone. Now I look back and I dispose her. I rarely think about her with anything other than pity and vile disgust and those moments are fleeting and brief. Give yourself credit. You truly loved someone. The times we had with them were special in the moment but not so much in hindsight and n the grand scheme of our lives. 1
Author Jingle14 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 It's because you loved him that you still think of him, that is natural. It's always good to come here when you are feeling weak, either for advice or to just vent a little. I am right there with you, we can't just delete these people from our minds, unless you want a lobotomy or something. I don't know how we move on, time helps a lot but generally the memories will always be there. People are s*** sometimes, he is probably dealing with it in his own little way. You are strong and you are worth more, i guess until you find someone else you will still think about the last one. It is hard and we are going through the same thing as you, just be strong and keep moving forward. He doesn't have a hold over you, you have a hold over yourself. Good luck! It took three years to fully heal from truly loving someone. Now I look back and I dispose her. I rarely think about her with anything other than pity and vile disgust and those moments are fleeting and brief. Give yourself credit. You truly loved someone. The times we had with them were special in the moment but not so much in hindsight and n the grand scheme of our lives. Thanks you two, for your lovely and positive messages which have given me some strength and comfort tonight. I've just finished putting up my son's birthday banners and balloons but now my mind is flitting back to that night 2 years ago. You're both right though, trouble is that I don't want anyone else and the occasional 'date' I've been on only served to remind me I'm far from ready and that they weren't 'him', so altogether pointless, dispiriting and depressing. He wasn't just the last one, he was 'the' one despite all the bollocks that came with him. And I'll never understand the hour hug last year - I've spoken to my male and female, straight and gay, friends and no-one can explain it either. I'd never hug anyone like that - no matter what my relationship with them - for that length of time and with such intensity, it really threw me, especially as we'd never been tactile people before we got together, that was something very specific to us with each other, always holding hands wherever we went, even sat watching tv or in a restaurant or pub, just sitting holding hands - at our age too! But yes. in the grand scheme of things, those special moments really aren't so much, are they, not when contrasted against the really hurtful times and times when I doubted my own mind. I've been doing so well recently too, when he's not been on my mind for whole sections ie an hour or so of the day. But then this day came, and there are more reminders coming up - his birthday next month and the anniversary of a wonderful holiday when we made plans for the future, just so very, very close and happy. And then, of course, the anniversary of the dumping, looming large at the end of June - how I now hate this season that I used to adore, spring and it sun, daffodils, blossom, it mocks me now. Thanks again, I appreciate your taking the time to reply.
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