Navajo46 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Ok, i really didnt think i would have the inclination this bad to wish the ex happy birthday. She wronged me for sure but im over that. She still wished me a happy birthday two weeks post BU. NC since and its been slightly over 3 months post BU. After the breakup she asked if we could be friends and maybe after a few months we could speak... I shut that down out of pure anger and said we wouldnt speak again. The thing is that i would like to think that we could be friends in the future. I dont want to seem petty and ignorant by not doing it. Isnt it better to send one simple happy bday text to show that you are not bothered by them anymore? This has no hidden meaning for me saying i want you back, i am really over that. But, i hate having to stay in an awkward state like we have to avoid each other. Im not anticipating a reply and it wouldnt hurt at all. I feel like its for me not her.
geegirl Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Junkie mind. If you have to post about doing something as simple as wishing an ex, then you most likely need to just stay NC until you can find a level of indifference, whereby there are no questions or cause for hesitation. Too much rationalizing going on over something so simple. It's a break-up. There is nothing awkward about staying no contact and just moving on with your life. It's understandable not to be friends after ending a relationship. Don't try and justify no contact as awkward because you want to reach out. Plus, this woman left you for her married boss. I would have to say that there was much more going on than just an emotional affair. Maybe you should redefine what a friend means to you.
Author Navajo46 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) I just still hate to think that after 6 years you cant be cordial with someone who meant so much to you for a long time. That part is still so hard for me. Edited March 4, 2013 by Navajo46
KatZee Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Yep. Sounds to me you're just grasping at straws to reach out. And if the above is correct, her leaving you for her married boss? You don't need "friends" like that. That is not a friend.
geegirl Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I just still hate to think that after 6 years you cant be cordial with someone who meant so much to you for a long time. That part is still so hard for me. You can be cordial. Of course. But if you have to rationalize this on a forum, chances are, it's not the right time to open that door. It took me nearly a year to be able to look at my ex without feeling anything. If your motives to be friends are true, then take the time to get yourself to a level of indifference. The option to be friends will always be there, if two people are honest in wanting it. Rushing through this process just because you're feeling awkward, is not in your best interest. It's not a good enough reason. You can be friends when the need to wish her, doesn't make you think twice.
Author Navajo46 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 You can be cordial. Of course. But if you have to rationalize this on a forum, chances are, it's not the right time to open that door. It took me nearly a year to be able to look at my ex without feeling anything. If your motives to be friends are true, then take the time to get yourself to a level of indifference. The option to be friends will always be there, if two people are honest in wanting it. Rushing through this process just because you're feeling awkward, is not in your best interest. It's not a good enough reason. You can be friends when the need to wish her, doesn't make you think twice. Good call, and dont know why i wanna be friends so badly. This was my first long term relationship (6 years) and the thought of never talking to the person again still messes with me. Its soooo soooo weird to me when you dont want to reconcile.... Its really playing tricks on my mind. I shut the door so tightly with telling her we would never talk again ya know. Guess thats what irks me even though i had every right to do so. After she did what she did, even her friend told me last night to move on. She said its her friend but she doesnt deserve it.
geegirl Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Good call, and dont know why i wanna be friends so badly. This was my first long term relationship (6 years) and the thought of never talking to the person again still messes with me. Its soooo soooo weird to me when you dont want to reconcile.... Its really playing tricks on my mind. I shut the door so tightly with telling her we would never talk again ya know. Guess thats what irks me even though i had every right to do so. After she did what she did, even her friend told me last night to move on. She said its her friend but she doesnt deserve it. I think you miss the connection you had with her. You spent six years with her so that attachment is still going to be there. The thought of never speaking to someone that you have known that long is daunting. But only because you are still emotional about her. In time when you start detaching, those feelings of anxiety will fade away. Eventhough you believe you will never want to get back with her, it's not worth the risk resuming contact. When you are emotional, your judgment is skewed. You may think one way but react emotionally in a different way. So, while you may say now that it would not hurt you if she did not respond, or that you will not want to reconcile, when you come up against it, you may feel differently. It's best not to put yourself in a situation that could mess with your emotional sanity. She didn't do right by you. She was in an affair with her married boss. I hardly think it was just emotional. You had every right to cut her off and you still have every right to remove her from your life. A six year relationship doesn't give someone the right to crap all over you and expect you to entertain their need for friendship. You should also think about what a friendship with her would mean to you, or how it will benefit you. I can guarantee you that once you detach and your brain is functioning, you'll realize that you don't need her as your friend.
Author Navajo46 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I think you miss the connection you had with her. You spent six years with her so that attachment is still going to be there. The thought of never speaking to someone that you have known that long is daunting. But only because you are still emotional about her. In time when you start detaching, those feelings of anxiety will fade away. Eventhough you believe you will never want to get back with her, it's not worth the risk resuming contact. When you are emotional, your judgment is skewed. You may think one way but react emotionally in a different way. So, while you may say now that it would not hurt you if she did not respond, or that you will not want to reconcile, when you come up against it, you may feel differently. It's best not to put yourself in a situation that could mess with your emotional sanity. She didn't do right by you. She was in an affair with her married boss. I hardly think it was just emotional. You had every right to cut her off and you still have every right to remove her from your life. A six year relationship doesn't give someone the right to crap all over you and expect you to entertain their need for friendship. You should also think about what a friendship with her would mean to you, or how it will benefit you. I can guarantee you that once you detach and your brain is functioning, you'll realize that you don't need her as your friend. Amen, you are right. I guess i have a problem with being viewed as a bad person i guess if i didnt wish her a happy bday. Just the kind of person i am, always want to be the bigger person. Amazing after what she did isnt it... Good lord. Why should i give a **** what she thinks.
geegirl Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Amen, you are right. I guess i have a problem with being viewed as a bad person i guess if i didnt wish her a happy bday. Just the kind of person i am, always want to be the bigger person. Amazing after what she did isnt it... Good lord. Why should i give a **** what she thinks. It's because you still need her validation. You want to reach out and show her what a nice guy you are. Hopefully it will make her think about you. Remind her again of who you are. Why would you think you are a bad person? Just because you shunned her for cheating on you? Why do you not see her actions as "bad person" but rather diminish yourself when you didn't do anything wrong? I don't think it has anything to do with being a bigger person. If your desire to be liked by someone is prioritized over removing yourself from that someone who treated you badly, then it speaks of the level of worth you see within yourself.
Author Navajo46 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 It's because you still need her validation. You want to reach out and show her what a nice guy you are. Hopefully it will make her think about you. Remind her again of who you are. Why would you think you are a bad person? Just because you shunned her for cheating on you? Why do you not see her actions as "bad person" but rather diminish yourself when you didn't do anything wrong? I don't think it has anything to do with being a bigger person. If your desire to be liked by someone is prioritized over removing yourself from that someone who treated you badly, then it speaks of the level of worth you see within yourself. You have great insight. That is completely true. I used to be such an overwhelmingly confident person and lost it through the years through weight gain and depression and anxiety. This breakup was the final straw and stole anything that was left leaving me feeling worthless. Even though i put on a tough exterior through the breakup and did not beg or anything... I died insid a little. I cannot wait to get that confidence back to where it should be. I have been doing the right things with work and gym and stuff.
geegirl Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) You have great insight. That is completely true. I used to be such an overwhelmingly confident person and lost it through the years through weight gain and depression and anxiety. This breakup was the final straw and stole anything that was left leaving me feeling worthless. Even though i put on a tough exterior through the breakup and did not beg or anything... I died insid a little. I cannot wait to get that confidence back to where it should be. I have been doing the right things with work and gym and stuff. If you truly want to get your confidence back, don't derail yourself by contacting her. Keep pushing forward with the positives. Now is not the time to get yourself emotionally affected again. That's a negative. Three months NC is good time under your belt. Keep going and keep focusing on one thing. YOU. Edited March 4, 2013 by geegirl
Harradin Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I asked this question a couple of months ago and got a really good answer that worked for me. The answer is no, don't contact her, but on the day buy yourself a gift so it feels like you've done something that day.
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