Robs1693 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I'm sorry if this is long but I need some help ): Basically me and my 'ex' (who I was hopelessly in love with) broke up 4 months ago because we felt it wasn't working. About 6 weeks ago, we got back into contact and have been talking about getting back together. Things have been lovely, he has been lovely. But I keep having these 'fear/anxiety' phases where I have a million things/questions running through my head, 'what if i get hurt again, what if it doesn't work out, what if this is not what i want, what if i ruin this, what if i hurt him?' This is really starting to get in the way of what could be brilliant, but the only way I can describe it is that I have a 'clouded' head. I have spoke to friends and family about it and they said go slow and give it time. I have even spoken to him about it, and he has been fantastic but I'm scared it'll drive him away. Yesterday, I went around his house for the whole day and it was brilliant; he cooked me dinner, watched films and played games and even fooled around a bit. Towards the end of the evening, he went quiet and I asked him what was on his mind. He said he was scared to 'ask me' (out) because of the outcome. I was honest and said I was scared for him to ask me, because the anxiety kicked in. I just don't want this fear to get in the way :/ can anyone relate to this or offer any advice, it would help me so much. Thank you xx
Author Robs1693 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Would appreciate some words of wisdom or advice guys :/ x
benice Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 be careful, and take it slow. I think now would be the time to have that talk with him about your fears and concern. Did you do the no contact thing before he reached out to you? If so how long were you two apart?..... Im asking because i just broke up with someone I love so much and dont know how to get them back.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 It was on and off contact for about 2/3 months, and I do tell him about the fear thing, and he understands but it gets him down. I wish I could get the fear out of my head :/ x
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Maybe you guys could do with a bit of RC to focus on the true issues causing you to pull apart.... You need to communicate effectively - otherwise, you're just going to fall into the same traps.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 We communicate about it, I tell him my fears and worries and we talk it out, which makes me feel a bit better. But I think its just fear of the unknown, like where we go from here. He's been so fantastic x
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Take things slowly, and be accommodating, without compromising your principles. Speak your minds; talk about things, but not to the point of exhaustion. After all, even though you are a couple, you are still free-thinking individuals, you're not joined at the hip. And speak in ways that accept responsibility for the way you feel; not in ways which accuse. Example: You really annoy me when you won't wipe your feet when you come home!! (Not constructive). I find I get irritated when I see muddy footprints on the hall floor.... (better....) See? 1
Author Robs1693 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 That makes sense, thank you TaraMaiden Just wish I could get these fears of the unknown and anxiety out of my head so I could enjoy things better :/ x
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 That makes sense, thank you TaraMaiden Just wish I could get these fears of the unknown and anxiety out of my head so I could enjoy things better :/ x Anxiety is natural. Dwelling on it is self-defeating. Ridiculous as it may sound, one day, when you're alone, pull up a chair in front of you, and sit 'Anxiety' in it. Give this feeling a 'form'. Then discuss the why, how, what, of anxiety. And every argument Anxiety brings up - use your logic to shoot it down. While you pretend to be 'Anxiety' voice fears in a verbally quick-fire rapid way. Express your anxiety off the top of your head. But when it comes to responding, stop. Pause. See where this aspect of Anxiety comes from, and respond, logically. Stupid as it may sound, it might just work. Or if you have this kind of circle, confide in a friend, and get them to 'play' "Anxiety".....
Author Robs1693 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I will give it a go, thank you so much If anyone else has any advice to go on top, I would appreciate it x
SimonSerenade Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I've been there, been held back by that feeling, no matter how good things were getting there was always that niggling voice in the back of my mind reminding me of all the reasons we broke up in the first place and it felt as if I could never move on, I think your brave for taking these steps but if you love him and want this to work then you got to just keeping move past those insecurities and talk to your partner about it, keeping it to yourself will only make these feelings worse, opening up to him and having him understand may very well make these feelings go away all together, as a loving sensitive person you want to feel protected and appreciated, maybe your not getting enough of that.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Well its been a couple of days, just taking each one at a time. I find that I love and enjoy the time we spend together but when I return home, thats when the anxiety starts and I start to overthink things. For instance, I find that I went up his house and had a lovely day, but he invited me the next day and I didn't want to go, only then to panic because when we was in the relationship before, i couldn't get enough of seeing him. I try to remember that this is a 'new relationship' and that he makes me happy when we're together. But a few bad things have happened (not with 'us') that has not helped. We was both ill for a couple of days and then he lost his job 2 days ago :/ so I'm trying to be there for him as best as I can. Just a very confusing and difficult time at the moment, any comfort/advice would be appreciated xx
marklarsson Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Well its been a couple of days, just taking each one at a time. I find that I love and enjoy the time we spend together but when I return home, thats when the anxiety starts and I start to overthink things. For instance, I find that I went up his house and had a lovely day, but he invited me the next day and I didn't want to go, only then to panic because when we was in the relationship before, i couldn't get enough of seeing him. I try to remember that this is a 'new relationship' and that he makes me happy when we're together. But a few bad things have happened (not with 'us') that has not helped. We was both ill for a couple of days and then he lost his job 2 days ago :/ so I'm trying to be there for him as best as I can. Just a very confusing and difficult time at the moment, any comfort/advice would be appreciated xx Anxiety can be a very strong emotion. And can stop a lot of people from finding love again with an ex. There is a lot of over thinking and most people will rather go and start something new than try to fix the old relationship because of this. The most important thing is as advices by many is that you control your anxiety and don't let it control you. That way you are able to enjoy the clear progress you are making with your ex. Don't compare what you are feeling now with what you had before. It's a new relationship now.
Author Robs1693 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Thank you. I spoke to him about it last night, and he understood and was obviously upset but said he was trying to not overthink about it. And I woke up this morning just devastated, I cannot stop crying because I feel like I'm going through the emotions of breaking up again. I just don't know where to go from here, do I carry on trying even if it might not work and I'm feeling like this, even though it could possibly work in the long term? Or do I stop it now, hurt us both and live to possibly regret it?
TaraMaiden Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 WTF....? What are you doing - ?!? Honey, stop!! Get a goddamn grip, will you?? Everything is lovely three days ago and suddenly you're in break-up mode?? You're SELF-SABOTAGING! You need to see a counsellor, because the moment things look as if there's promise in the air, you panic and think of separation! This is just silly, hun! What is it? What are you doing - ? More importantly - why?? Don't you believe you deserve it?? If you break up with him, and he came on here to start a thread, how do you suppose it would begin? Go to IC but also to RC. I think you guys need to work things out and meet on an even plane - because you are in real danger of sadly screwing this one up. And that would be a shame.....
Author Robs1693 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 I know TaraMaiden, but I cannot stop over thinking and with the IC, I'm not sure if that would even help. I know this could be so simple if I let it, but my mind is just over thinking things to the max and I want it to stop
Recommended Posts