316 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Its been 2 and a half months post-BU. Out of fear of losing her for good I agreed to remain casual friends. The first couple of weeks were absolute hell for me (couldn't sleep, constantly thinking about her, random breakdowns, etc.). Throughout this period of time i tried every trick in the book to get her back, but to no avail. But after a while the pain became easier to deal with and I just took it. Once I finally realized we were done for good my healing process got kicked into overdrive... Ive been lifting weights/running consistently for the first time in my life, I've met new people and made new friends, I've found enjoyment in things that I couldn't if I were in the relationship still, Im getting better grades at my uni, I even changed my look... now I can confidently say I'm happy with myself again. Everything was fantastic until my ex dropped the bomb yesterday: she wants me back. What?! Don't get me wrong I still love and miss my ex very much, but I'm in a good place right now. Our time together was great but its done and I'm ready to continue moving forward. I just don't understand if she wanted me back this whole time she could have easily gotten me back if she asked a month or so earlier. This is my first break up so I'm still new to these post break up shenanigans. Does this happen a lot? Why did she wait so long to ask for me back? 1
CaliBabe Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I swear our exes can feel/sense us moving on and in a better place and thats when they want back. I think you should keep doing your own thing. Don't just jump right in head first. I mean she made you wait didn't she? Ease into it and see if it's still right for you. Good for you man, I'm happy to read this! 2
Bando89 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Man, I hope this will never happen to me. I think I'd go crazy between feeling good for finally having moved on/good old memories
Author 316 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Its such a weird feeling... part of me is happy to be moving on (the single life actually isn't too bad in college who knew?) but the other side of me is angry that she's just now wanting to try again after I tried so hard to get her back. She made me into an emotional wreck. But then another side of me misses our relationship. So confusing... Thanks for the responses so far guys!
iouaname Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 That's a really tough position to be in, but on the bright side, the fact that you feel you've moved on enough to not want her back after only two and a half months should make you feel proud! I'm also about that long out of my relationship and I still feel a lot of confusion about what I would do if that situation ever presented itself. Best of luck!
Mack05 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I think your new relationship with 'you' is FAR better then your relationship with her. Simple choice for me. Give me I've met new people and made new friends, I've found enjoyment in things that I couldn't if I were in the relationship still, Im getting better grades at my uni, I even changed my look... now I can confidently say I'm happy with myself again. over She made me into an emotional wreck Any day, twice on Sunday's
Author 316 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Should I just tell her straight up that I'm done with "us" for good? This would be such an easier decision if her and I weren't still friends and if I din't still have a soft spot for her... This must be how dumpers feel. But then again she was the one who made me suffer first so ehh...
na49 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm curious, what did her message to you say that made you think she wants you back? Did she say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I still love you and want you back" or something?
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Should I just tell her straight up that I'm done with "us" for good? This would be such an easier decision if her and I weren't still friends and if I din't still have a soft spot for her... This must be how dumpers feel. But then again she was the one who made me suffer first so ehh... Why are you and she 'still friends'...? You can't be 'friends' with someone with whom you still have an emotional attachment - and it's clear that you have, otherwise you'd be able to shrug this off as inconsequential, and just text her back, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm over you, have moved on, and simple friendship suits me fine." But no. This has side-swiped you and brought you here to share, vent and seek counsel. So, clearly, you are NOT 'over her' and you're not 'friends'. You're exes who are still in touch. Tell us precisely what she said, when she told you she wanted you back..... Word for word. 1
Author 316 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Why are you and she 'still friends'...? You can't be 'friends' with someone with whom you still have an emotional attachment - and it's clear that you have, otherwise you'd be able to shrug this off as inconsequential, and just text her back, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm over you, have moved on, and simple friendship suits me fine." But no. This has side-swiped you and brought you here to share, vent and seek counsel. So, clearly, you are NOT 'over her' and you're not 'friends'. You're exes who are still in touch. Tell us precisely what she said, when she told you she wanted you back..... Word for word. Yesterday night while I was on my way to my car to go home I gave her a goodbye hug and she looked into my eyes and said "I'm falling for you again... I'm hoping we can start over soon." It was genuine. I playfully told her "we'll see" in response. I already stated in the OP that I'm not 100% over her, but I am definitely over the relationship. I really don't see myself getting back with her at all, and I don't want to. She and I have both changed. I need to live the single life for a while while I'm still young and around so many other singles. The problem is that I thought she was feeling the same way (since she made me look like an idiot those first couple of weeks post-BU) so I thought we would be able to maintain a casual friendship until yesterday. That's why I'm so confused. Why would she flip flop like this?
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Because she feels you becoming more distant. That was not an "I want you back." That was a "You're moving on, and I don't like it." Genuinely. You're at the 10-week stage. here's what I just told someone else: Think of NC as 'rehab for the heart'. If for example, you were to go to Al-Anon, or Narc-Anon, they would tell you that a habit takes about 4 - 5 weeks to form - and a bit longer than that, to break. I'm sure that about three or four weeks ago, you found it absolute agony. Now, you're emerging stronger, but wiser. And she sees that you're 'slipping away'. She doesn't want you to. The big mistake was 'remaining friends'. Now she sees what she lost, she wants you back. But it won't work, because her motive is not to grow into a better, brighter and wiser liaison. It's just to keep you where she can see you. Sorry bud - you really do need to go No Contact..... 2
Author 316 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Damn it you're right Tara... She probably just said that out of fear of letting go for good not because she really wants to make things better. Ugh how do I tell her that we need to go NC? I feel like we're breaking up all over again but this time I'm the dumper.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Say nothing, until she connects again, then tell her that you feel after thinking about it for a while that it's just not a good idea to go back. You're grateful for all the good times, an' all that, but you've moved on, and you're happy to continue in that vein... and perhaps if she's getting nostalgic, you'll just drop off her radar for a while, and quit being in touch until she feels the same way.... And all of this would be dignified, and true, too.... 1
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