husband in prison from 2011-2017. what do i do?

[catchtwenty2]

Warning: super lengthy post. I think i may have included details which may not have been necessary and also think that the way i wrote may have been quite confusing. but this is the first time i'm letting it all out. so please excuse me.

 

Honestly I do not even know where to start coz so much things has happened over the past 10 years.

 

 

First things first, let me introduce our relationship. we've been together for 10 years and married for about 4 years now. I would say it was pretty much like a dream or even a fairytale. We got to know each other online due to music and both had no intention of getting into a relationship at that time. Met up one day after knowing each other. We had mutual physical attraction. got to know him better and he had everything that i wanted in my dream guy. got into a relationship with him one week after knowing him. Already at that time, deep within me, I had that he's the one feeling, as in someone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and he was feeling the same way too. We even made a pact at this point that the only reason that we would no longer be together is because of infidelity. We're both quite honest and faithful with each other about our pasts and present.

 

 

 

We really, really were very into each other. Met up almost everyday without fail for over 3 years. So much so that it became a hassle and he started to move in with me and my family. I heard stories from my friends and other people about how this "honeymoon" period will fade a few months or the most a year after a relationship. So i thought we were pretty amazing since we genuinely enjoyed each other's companion.

 

 

So what happened after the 3 years you might be wondering? well, so much **** happened. To summarise it all. He started a business with my dad. Took a loan for the business, bought a car on loan for the business. My dad got unreasonable and they had disagreements over the money and stuff. things went downhill. He moved out of my house coz they could no longer get along. Due to the loans that he couldn't pay, he was forced into bankruptcy. He fell into a state of depression, started shoplifting, got caught twice and did time for 1 month and 3 months on separate occasions within a span of 2 years. due to his bankruptcy and prison records, it was almost impossible to get a job.

 

 

I was there with him throughout these times and supported him emotionally and financially as well. Our relationship was quite strong in spite of all that happened. There wasn't exactly any major problems between us, its problems around us that we had to deal with. We managed to stick with each other and get through it.

 

 

Soon things started picking up, he managed to get together with a friend and had their own business which was doing ok. we got married in 2008. lived our lives quite normally until 2010.

 

the business he had was not doing very well and he started to turn to drinking. i would say out of a week, he would be out drinking at least 5-6 times. it would be with his friends and he would of course as usual, invite me to come along and i would refuse most times as I don't enjoy hanging out with his friends. i don't remember how but one day i found out that besides drinking, he was actually smoking pot as well. Of course i didn't like it, because where we come from, the punishment for drug consumption is pretty harsh. i did mention it to him but he says something along the line of he'll be fine and knows how to take care of himself and tell me not to worry about it.

 

 

to this day, i regret not being firm enough about this because the events that lead up to my circumstances is really really confusing and heart wrenching for me.

 

 

to cut a long story short, he was arrested one fine day in 2011. You might be assuming for drug consumption at this point but imagine the shock of my life, when i received the phone call from the authorities informing me that my husband had been arrested for DRUG TRAFFICKING. yes, drug trafficking. I know the maximum punishment for trafficking is death by hanging. so you could imagine the thoughts that were going through my head at that time. i was like why, when, what. is this real and even happening?

 

 

i managed to find out how and why it happened. it turned out that he got to know a new friend who wanted to buy weed and asked my husband if he knew anyone. so my husband said he did and somehow, he became the middleman for this unfateful transaction. he was caught with the "goods" while trying to pass it to his new friend due to a tipoff. and he swore to me that this was the first time he ever did something like that and he did not receive any monetary gains from it. I was so disappointed with whatever happened and he kept apologising. based on the amount he was carrying, the minimum sentence he would have to serve would be about 3.5 years.

 

 

I stood by him, engaged lawyers to fight and mitigate for his case, spent about USD$9000 on legal fees using up my credit card and my line of credit as we had no savings and did not know anyone who would borrow us that much money.

 

 

Sentence was passed and he has to serve 5.5 years from march 2012, day of sentence. Imagine the agony and pain we had to go through from the time he was caught, till he was sentenced as we didnt know what to anticipate. We were deeply saddened as the sentence was not what we expected. it was too freaking long. after counting, he would be out by 2017 Aug or so.

 

 

I have been visiting him regularly and writing at least once a month to him ever since he was inside prison since 2011 and have never missed any visiting schedule.

 

 

I'm not sure if its even right to claim that we've been together for 10 years, since we are physically apart since 2011.

 

 

The first few months of being separated from him was so painful and agonising. I would break down at work, in the bus and every little thing, place, song, whatever, would constantly remind me of him and the memories we had. I was so longing for his hugs, kisses and just being able to snuggle up with him and not talking. thoughts of suicide even crossed my mind. but somehow i managed to get over that.

 

 

 

Crying episodes started to decrease gradually after the sentence was passed since we no longer have to deal with the uncertainty of what to expect and when he will be out. The passing of the sentence was sort of like a closure for the both of us and at the same time, it was a new beginning, getting through this arduos journey of 5.5 years. Without any hesitation or any thought at all, I know I had to stick with him throughout these years then.

 

 

Nobody knows about my real situation except our immediate family members. Not my best friend, not my colleagues. If there was any ocassion which calls for spouses to be around, i would always say that he's busy with work or some other lame excuses.

 

 

 

i know that i had to live my own life and started to think about how i can spend my time positively. one of the things i decided to do was to continue learning Japanese. I picked up the basics of this language some years ago and gave up halfway as it was too difficult when i progressed into the intermediate stage. Ok, I would describe myself as a Japanomaniac. I absolutely love everything about the language, the country, the people minus the porn of course. So i decided to pick up this language.

 

 

I decided to self study instead and went online with the intention to find a Japanese speaking person to practise my conversation in exchange for teaching him/her English. So i found myself a friend, a native Japanese who's currently residing in my country due to work. This was in late Nov 2012.

 

 

 

We met up to form a study group, and he brought 2 of his other Japanese friends with him. The first time i laid my eyes upon the 3 of them, i thought one of his friends was kinda cute. We had our introduction and got to know one another. i was quite happy to know he's single. when the cute guy and me were chatting about hobbies, we realised that we enjoy the same genre of music and got quite excited about it. ok, maybe I was the one more excited. The rest of the day went on, I got home and realised that i have a crush on him. Holy cow... To let you know how mad exactly i am/was about this fella, I've extracted something from my diary.

 

As with all other times, I am at that period again. with reference to February 2011 post called test of faith.

 

I met someone recently. Oh and this time round, this guy is Japanese! hahah... exotic, i know right. so i'm trying to reason with myself here. let's start.

 

he is a mutual friend of a new Japanese studymate that i recently got to know. And this guy, is the complete opposite of everything I like in my guy. he's not tall. omg, he's the same height as me, so intimidating. he doesn't have straight model teeth. but its still generally acceptable. The only thing attractive I would say is that, he's just CUTE! and also the fact that he's Japanese plays a huge part i guess. And another, he loves the same type of music as me! OMG i sound like a 13 year old irrational girl. i'm more than twice that age in fact, how shameful.

 

I kinda like him i suppose but not crazy like? not sure how to explain, maybe hugely due to the fact that he's Japanese maybe that's what makes it so intriguing. And so, we've already met up twice so far, in a group that is. Before our second meeting, there was this huge part in me, that was really, really, really, really, hoping that he'll be there again. And so he was there alright. i was secretly so happy! even at that moment, i was trying to rationalise WTF is so good about this fella, but i couldn't make out anything. I've never felt this way , ooops, i was about to say, i've never felt so strongly about a guy who is not tall but i remembered one guy that i had a crush on before. ok so scrap that.

 

probably the second guy who is not tall that i have a crush on and it doesnt make sense. i think crushes aren't supposed to make sense anyways. Just as with LW. It went away as fast as it came. I'm hoping that this fella would be something like that. I mean, everyone already knows that I'm married and I honestly do not think that he would be the type who would be attracted to someone like me, what more someone like me who is MARRIED right... Pfft.. I need something to get over this ASAP man. Dammit. Please show me some sign or something to make me wake up my bloody idea.

 

On hindsight, I was/probably is now kinda of a bitch for flirting? would i even call it that? i dont even what i did amount to that. More like trying to get attention i suppose. I enjoyed every moment of it. Damn, i need some attention! In a way, it would be nice to be able to continue this unknown feeling and continue to "flirt". But in another way, the thoughts that are building up in my head are so overwhelming, I can't take it.

 

once again, i'm so glad that I have this avenue to let out all my feelings.

ok, to top up this damn confusion, he was even so nice to borrow me his CDs, even when we've only met once?! i mean like, who the hell would do that right? The think too much me said that, that's it, he's trying to make communication with you coz he feels something too. while the rational me said, wtf, its just borrowing stuff! get over it bitch! its a simple act that i do not need to read too much into.

 

Oh well, only he knows better I suppose. My god, i feel like there's a tug of war going on inside of me. bloody hell. Honestly, I think he's someone who would not be so daring as to like/go after someone's wife. In all honesty, he's just being helpful and polite. IMHO. so get a ****ing life!

 

yes, that's right. I need to convince myself this. he is a sane person who would not go after someone's wife. He's just being Japanese, polite and helpful.

 

ok tihs will be my chant over the next few days, or actually, till we meet up again which is tentatively on 22nd Dec. holy cow, 12 more freaking days?! till then, let me suffer.

 

 

To put it bluntly, during the most intense moment of this infatuation with this Japanese guy, i had so many wild thoughts that scared the **** out of me. I couldn't believe those thoughts were ever in my head. If you must know, thoughts such as cheating on my husband and leaving while he is still serving his sentence were in my head. Which is scary as I hate infidelity and I going against our pact, which was never to leave each other unless one of us cheats. Which we both strongly believed back then that it was impossible for us to do so because of the love and trust we have for each other. i even fantasize about getting together with this Japanese guy and living our lives together. and its just quite scary to even think that much.

 

 

 

continuing the story, we already had quite a few group study with the same people for a number of times till now. I want to stop liking this Japanese guy but I can't stop it. I even go as crazy as to go online to see if he is on skype everyday. i would think this is all a one sided feeling as whenever i am online and he is as well, he has never initiated a conversation with me before. And there was plenty of opportunities for him to do so since I went online everyday and he does as well too. By far, I am proud to announce that I've only initiated 2 conversations with him so far and nothing more than that.

 

 

I've tried ways and means to stop this infatuation but it only managed to temporarily stop for about a few weeks and it always acts up each time after our group study. I don't want to stop meeting him and his friends as i genuinely enjoy studying with them. I just want to stop the infatuation with the cute Japanese guy.

 

 

I even went as far to think on how I should confess my feelings for him and decided that it was a bad idea because we would not even be friends anymore after that. he will be going back to Japan in 2015 for good and i am contemplating to start making my move on him as in ask him out one on one and see how things goes. a huge part of me says that there is an 80% chance that he will reject going out with me but I just want to die trying.

 

 

 

Sorry if i sound contradicting and if it all doesnt make sense as I cannot think rationally for now. my head hurts so much now.

 

 

 

The main questions i wish to ask are: Do you think its right if I leave my husband while he is in prison for another guy? Is it right for me to like another guy and should I act upon it?

[amaysngrace]

I think your husband cheated on you when he began moving drugs.

 

Incarceration is legal grounds for divorce where I live. Just file and you will have an uncontested divorce.

 

But all that aside, don't you maybe think you lack good judgment just a little?

[Mr. Lucky]

But all that aside, don't you maybe think you lack good judgment just a little?

Have to agree. You may see one thing with your heart, but simply reading the details of your shared history doesn't paint him as a very good - or smart - guy. If the penalties for drug use in your country are well known, why would your husband, already with two convictions, be anywhere near pot ???

 

He hasn't held up his end of the marital bargain. Go or stay, the decision is solely up to you and you shouldn't feel guilty either way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[catchtwenty2]

first of all, thanks for taking your time to read through my post.

 

amaysngrace, may i know why would you think that he cheated on me when he did drugs? in my country, it is legal to file for an uncontested divorce as well if the spouse is incarcerated.

 

Mr. Lucky, i couldn't agree with you more on this. I felt that he was quite selfish when he did these things.

If the penalties for drug use in your country are well known, why would your husband, already with two convictions, be anywhere near pot ???

 

He hasn't held up his end of the marital bargain.

 

perhaps after being with the same person for almost 10 years, my judgement is could be flawed. Would anyone have any advice on what i should ask myself to come to a decision, what should i be looking out for?

[sb129]

Do you have any children? If not were you planning on having any?

 

I'd walk from that marriage (esp if no kids) so I could be free to find someone else, rather than feeling confused and guilty every time I was attracted to someone else while my H was in prison. 5 years is a long time.

[sunshinegirl]

I think the issue is his character, not the fact that you are separated for 5 years. If you can see a long and happy marriage with him once he is out, then you owe it to the marriage (and your pledge from way back when) to remain faithful. If, however, you see fundamental incompatibilities between the two of you that will lead to a marital breakdown eventually, then you might as well sever ties now.

[pteromom]

Firstly, you have to realize that this infatuation with your Japanese friend is simply an escape. You have no idea what he'd be like in a relationship or how he'd treat you or whether you'd be compatible. You are lonely, and your heart is looking for someone to share love with.

 

What you need to be deciding is whether you really want to wait for your husband or not. You may love him, but he has a history of very poor decision making... being in prison isn't likely to HELP him in this, but will likely do the opposite. Being around criminally-minded people for a long period of time will shift his thinking to be more like theirs (unless he was a very strong person, which going by past choices, I don't think so.)

 

He is not going to be the same person when he gets out. By waiting 4 more years for him to come back, you are gambling those four years. Only you know what you have with him and if you think you can be alone for four more years without cheating. You need to put a lot of thought into it and do what is right for you.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Wow you've really stood by your man. I honestly don't know what to say about a lot of this..BUT I will say two things:

 

1) Live an honest life. If you are going to divorce, do it. Don't cheat and then divorce, whatever your agreement was. Infidelity makes it so much worse. If you want to stay married but simply fool around while your H is in jail...ask your H about it? Just please don't lie. I think lies are so destructive. I know you never said you would, but it's such an easy trap to fall into, especially with this situation I think.

 

2) The new guy is leaving in a few years? How does that work for you? What would that mean to you if you were single?

 

Anyway, sticky situation. I do agree with some of the things the posters above me said.

[Dragonfruit]

I think when all the lovey-dovey smoke clears, what you've got on your hands is a husband who is TROUBLE. He's probably always been trouble and he'll probably always be trouble. And... what is it that attracts you? Is it exciting? I think if so, it gets old after awhile, doesn't it? I would get out now, and perhaps seek counseling. You seem to frame him in kind of glowing terms that just don't fit. Otherwise, you would not have to hide the truth from people you know and you would not have been left alone for several years. He steals, he lies, he sells drugs, he's been incarcerated how many times? Why is my guess that he screwed over your father, rather than your father being "unreasonable?" Whatever the "door number two" is, could you do any worse? Anyway, that's my take on it, fwiw. Good luck.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit