Blooming_13 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I feel my relationship with my boyfriend of 2,5 years is stuck. He is 32 and I'm 36 and we live together. We have disagreements very often and I feel I cannot make myself understood for him. Almost always the situation escalates so that my bf blames me of it all and I think it's not justified. If I resist we are in full blown argument until I give in. It's very tiring living this way. For example, during last three months my boyfriend has been travelling (for his work) almost non-stop apart from two weekends we have spent together. He told me earlier that after his travelling is over he will dedicate some time for me and to his family who lives abroad as he has about three weeks that are not so busy. The time he divided so that he saw me one weekend and will stay with his family for almost two weeks. I of course go upset but he though it was unreasonable and he had never promised anything. So, next weekend I'm suppose to travel to see him and his family to the place they live abroad. I will first fly a short three hour flight and will have a three hour train connection to his city and will be there after 10pm on Friday. I told him earlier I would like to take it easy on Friday as I will arrive late and we will go out to celebrate on Saturday and it will be probably late also then. On sunday I need to leave as I have to get back to work. My boyfriend on the other hand wants to see his best friend who is in town on Friday night. So I said I understand and would it be possible we would be home around 1am. He said he cannot give me a time. I said fine but in that case I would rather arrive on Saturday morning and stay over on the hotel in the city where I am suppose to take the train. This way he can go out with his friend as long as he wants and I get to rest. However, he thinks I'm selfish and create problems for him suggesting this. I have tried to explain my point but there is no chance of him understanding. I feel like a terrible girlfriend although in my opinion I have done nothing wrong and it's him who cannot compromise. Also last Sunday was his birthday. First thing I did when I woke up yesterday was to call him but his phone was off. I then send him a text message and when I didn't get a reply I sent another one four hours later to let me know when I can call. He called me after awhile and seemed to be angry with me and it was really akward to talk to him. Later when I was already sleeping he sent me a text he was surprised I didn't call him again, after all it's his birthday. I replied in the morning I didn't because I got impression he didn't even want to talk to me. He then texted me that all his friends started to call him best wishes already after midnight and he would have expected me to do the same. I think he's just so unfair sometimes and puts me into position where I cannot win. Why is he doing this? I try to be firm not to show I'm upset but he makes me feel so guilty. What can I do? I have been trying to figure out if there is something I do as many times he implies so but I start to feel helpless. Sometimes I cannot talk in the right tone of voice, another time I'm not flexible enough or doing enough to make him happy.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 He's selfish. Can't accept responsibility for his doing. Blames and puts a burden on you always. I'm guessing he's immature. Also, he shouldn't hurt you like that...i dunno...i wouldn't keep taking his selfish crap.
CudLRoo Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 He's being very unreasonable. He needs to have a good think about what he's doing or he'll end up losing you. From my experience, not seeing a partner for long periods at a time is a potential death knell for a relationship, he should make more time for you. And he's blaming you for a problem that is entirely his. Man, I wanna punch this guy!
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 It doesn't really sound like your boyfriend is invested at all...he doesn't even seem like that much of a BF other than the title itself. He doesn't seem to be listening and rather annoyed easily and seems eager to disagree with you even on the mundane things, and then flip it around and blame it on you. I honestly think both you are definitely incompatible, I don't think you understand how one another thinks and he's likely a pretty selfish guy and seems to be lashing out at you for other unrelated things. You kind of seem like a punching bag to a degree. You seem like you're putting in all the work, to make this work and last...why? what are you even fighting for? This guy doesn't even seem that invested and interested...what are you even getting out of it? The guy gets 3 weeks off, he dedicates barely a Saturday to you...doesn't even put off a friend to see you on Friday, then you have to leave on Sunday...not to mention you've got to go through all this trouble just so see him. That's just ridiculous...you're trying to blame yourself for something on top of all of this...the writing is on the wall, you know you're not wrong but you still question it. It just sounds like you've been in this relationship so long you're already conditioned to questioning yourself because this guy puts the blame on you all of the time. This is a waste of time IMO, you hardly seem to see each other and he seems very busy. This will likely result in the slow demise of this relationship if it isn't already in tatters...it'll just get worse and when he does have free time he's not going to want to spend it with you. I'm sorry but everything from this man's behavior indicates to me he just isn't that interested in being in a relationship with you...this has merely become a matter of convenience and repetition. Also, to make matters worse this is a perfect scenario for men to cheat. They've got the distance, the time, the lack of accountability and he can just simply blame it on work...trust me, I've seen many a man make time for their mistresses or women on the side that were extremely busy, I can't tell you how many times I've seen it....it's like the more busier men are the more some want to screw around...and in impossible situations it would seem like "where do they find the time?" trust me...there's always time....they'll make it without you knowing it. I honestly don't think there is anything you can do "right" in this relationship, there's no such thing, he just doesn't really sound like he wants to do this...you can do the whole guilt trip thing and be like "if you don't want to do this...then walk away!" random guy " aw shucks, well ohhh alright, I don't want to lose you, love you so much deerrrrrr" ::everything's good for a few months:: then slowly back to normal, surprise surprise! no miracles in this relationship either. There's nothing for you to figure out, the will, the motivation, the desire has to come from him....the desire to listen, the will to put in some actual effort, and the emotion to motivate him that compels him to admit fault and work on himself and this relationship. But go ahead and keep trying to do whatever it is you think you can do or change, you're just wasting your time. I'd hate to see you waste more time with this guy, and I'd even hate for him more to cave under your pressure of ultimatums because you "love him so much" knowing full well he doesn't want to really be in this relationship...hate to see men do it, but a lot of them do. But then again you asked for it at that point yourself, gotta take credit for your own actions and decisions, no one holds a gun to your head, you know what your gut is telling you.
Author Blooming_13 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 In his opinion I'm the one who doesn't put enough effort. He told me that I keep surprising him and he's wondering if I even want to be with him. According to him the only reason why he got so upset is because he cares about me and he wants to make this work. And the whole drama I make about next weekend is mind blowingly ridiculous for him (I have tried only calmly explain / make a compromise while he has not been calm at all). I do understand where he's coming from. He's rarely at home and wants to spend time with his friends. I understand this. What I don't understand is why can't he understand me? I would much rather spend the night with him than at the hotel but if I don't feel comfortable going out why cannot he accept it?
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 You two sound completely incompatible in the way you think and communicate....I don't see any future in this.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I do understand where he's coming from. He's rarely at home and wants to spend time with his friends. I understand this. What I don't understand is why can't he understand me? I would much rather spend the night with him than at the hotel but if I don't feel comfortable going out why cannot he accept it? You shouldn't be too quick to be so understanding. He is prioritizing friends over a girlfriend that he barely sees :S He can understand you, he just doesn't want to. You can't be the only one putting in the effort. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 "Compromise"....? What compromise? I see nothing in your post which deals with compromise. There IS no compromise. From what you say, he's a controlling, egotistical bully. "Compromise is the Road to Ruin" and there is not even a glimmer of that, here. I honestly fai; to see what you mean by the word 'compromise'. I see plenty of 'Capitulate' on your part though.... Please tell us precisely why you are still in this relationship, and prepared to continue being subjected to this attitude and behaviour?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 In his opinion I'm the one who doesn't put enough effort. He told me that I keep surprising him and he's wondering if I even want to be with him. According to him the only reason why he got so upset is because he cares about me and he wants to make this work. And the whole drama I make about next weekend is mind blowingly ridiculous for him (I have tried only calmly explain / make a compromise while he has not been calm at all). I do understand where he's coming from. He's rarely at home and wants to spend time with his friends. I understand this. What I don't understand is why can't he understand me? I would much rather spend the night with him than at the hotel but if I don't feel comfortable going out why cannot he accept it? Yeah I'm sure a selfish guy is going to admit fault and not turn the tables back on you whenever you call him out on something that is true. Of course you're blowing it way out of proportion, that's EXACTLY what he wants you to think. Do you understand the word manipulation and the behavior of not listening? It's not that he doesn't understand....he doesn't care. Admitting fault would mean having to listen to you and say you are right. Don't you realize that if he doesn't keep your back against the wall then he might have to change his behavior if you prove him wrong?
Author Blooming_13 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 With a compromise from my side I meant when I suggested we would go home at 1am on Friday. But he didn't want to do this. He's been very busy with finishing his Phd and he simply hasn't had time so much before. And I really would like to learn if this is a communication issue between us or something else. I'm not always the easiest person myself and can be very stubborn. I haven't really thought he's manipulating me. However, he thinks I'm doing that for him sometimes.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 With a compromise from my side I meant when I suggested we would go home at 1am on Friday. But he didn't want to do this. He's been very busy with finishing his Phd and he simply hasn't had time so much before. And I really would like to learn if this is a communication issue between us or something else. I'm not always the easiest person myself and can be very stubborn. I haven't really thought he's manipulating me. However, he thinks I'm doing that for him sometimes. Blame shifting is a classic manipulation tactic. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Blame shifting is a classic manipulation tactic. And it seems to be working, because as in so many cases, the person bearing the brunt of that blame-shifting, is beginning to believe the manipulator is right. 1
Author Blooming_13 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I agree he's being selfish and inconsiderate at times. But both of us have enabled this situation to happen and I think it's upto us both to make this work. He says all the time he has given his everything and nothing is enough for me. For me it seems he just gives small pieces and I should be satisfied and not question him. Am I being demanding? Is there a way to make this work? I really love him and we have been planning our life together abroad because his future work will be there. It also means I will need to leave my job in order to follow him. However, before I make the final decision to leave I would like to see a change in our relationship and most importantly seeing also him trying to compromise. Is this a hopeless wish?
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Why post a problem then proceed to defend him to the hilt? You have already made it quite clear that all attempts to compromise, make him see sense, consider you side of things, be rational, discuss this calmly, have been met with hostile rebuttals. Here's the thing: You can't 'fix' this for the two of you. You can't come to a compromise from both parties, if you're the only one contributing. You THINK you can make it work. For him? It's working perfectly well already, thanks. You're right that it's up to you both: Couldn't agree more. But the catch is, that he doesn't see anything needs to be worked on. There is unfortunately, only one way to show him this is most definitely NOT working. Walk. In the opposite direction. Otherwise you'll end up bending so far backwards for him, your compromising position will be one where you're simply looking up your own dark hole. Truly. You need to get out before your spine snaps. 2
sb129 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I have been trying to figure out if there is something I do as many times he implies so but I start to feel helpless. Sometimes I cannot talk in the right tone of voice, another time I'm not flexible enough or doing enough to make him happy. What is he doing to make YOU happy? Sounds like you are plenty flexible enough, and he is calling all the shots. If he implies there is something you can do have you actually asked him what he is implying? You're making all the compromises- he's not making any. The Friday night out with his friend is a perfect example. You gave him options and let him know you were prepared to discuss them and he disagreed with both of them.
Author Blooming_13 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I think you're right for the most part! What I was trying to say earlier is that I believe I have enabled his behaviour by not being able to stand up for myself properly because I have just concentrated more keeping him happy. However, this has not worked for neither of us and I definitely don't want to defend his actions. They make me feel so low. I just don't know if the only option is to walk out, or is this really so?
sb129 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I just don't know if the only option is to walk out, or is this really so? Either that or have a serious talk with him although from what you've described here I'm not sure how well that will be received.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Why are you so scared of walking? Honestly, point to me one thing in all you have said that makes you think he's reasonable; Your only rational option now, seems to be to consider the situation exhausted. Just like you are. I hate to be the harbinger of sad truths, but frankly, if you travel all that way to see him next weekend, you will be wasting a lot of money, time and effort - and for what? All that travel time to be back at work on Monday? How's that hole looking now?
Author Blooming_13 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) He thinks he's reasonable because if I come there on Friday we still get to spend time together with his friends, I go to bed earlier but we can wake up together and have a breakfast. And this sounds nice and I think it's reasonable from him to suggest it. However, I don't want to go to bed earlier and wait him to come home after drinking with his pals in his brothers place who I hardly know. I rather sleep peacefully all night in a hotel. He thinks I'm selfish I want to do this and I think it's unreasonable not to listen what would make me happy. Rather he expects the opposite, that I'm there to make him happy. The trip doesn't cost me financially a lot because my company pays the tickets. I have also agreed to work in the office in the city the following week where I will fly. So this fine. The other thing is that he just won't give it a rest now and constantly sends me messages that makes me feel bad. For example for a while ago said that: it would just be nice to see you fight a bit for this relationship. To me it seems like you just take everything for granted. And I am so frustrated because of your behavior again on my birthday and about next weekend! No matter that I have explained now several times why I don't want to come there on Friday night. And the thing with his birthday I don't even understand. I have asked him to call me to get this clarified but he doesn't. This will now continue until I give in and apologize my 'bad behaviour'. Or how can I make this stop? Edited March 5, 2013 by Blooming_13
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 The other thing is that he just won't give it a rest now and constantly sends me messages that makes me feel bad. For example for a while ago said that: it would just be nice to see you fight a bit for this relationship. To me it seems like you just take everything for granted. And I am so frustrated because of your behavior again on my birthday and about next weekend! OMFG... This is total emotional control: He's being a bully!! Really - ?! You don't SEE THIS - ??!!? This is manipulation at its finest! Projection - making it all your fault! There is absolutely NOTHING you have demonstrated to be reasonable! The word 'Compromise' is not even a part of his vocabulary, don't you get it? He has you, he has worn you down - you said so yourself - to the point where all your thought processes consider him, and dismiss you! Everything now is revolving around what he wants, and how unreasonable YOU are! Holy Cow, woman, what will it take to make you see?!? You should be seething about this: seeing red, spitting blood! Jeesh he really has knocked your spine for six, hasn't he - ? Woman: WAKE UP!!! .... how can I make this stop? Break up with him. Stop this, now. Really. NOW. Do NOT travel to see him this weekend. And go complete and total NO Contact. I guaran-fekkin-tee it, he will beg, plead, promise to change, and go through a whole range of behaviours to get you back. But you need to leave, before you disappear and morph into a doormat.... irreversibly.
SJC2008 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 You shouldn't be too quick to be so understanding. He is prioritizing friends over a girlfriend that he barely sees :S He can understand you, he just doesn't want to. You can't be the only one putting in the effort. Yeah but this guy has experience. Shouldn't he know how to compromise and not be "taught" since he has relationship experience??
Author Blooming_13 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Yes, I'm very aware the situation is not healthy. But I still keep blaming myself for the situation and think I'm being just difficult. Although I guess it doesn't make any sense as everyone should be able to say what they like and what they don't. And my bf thinks there is no reason to make compromise and I should not put him in a situation that he needs to choose between a night out with a friend he hardly ever sees or me. Although I think it's a bit extreme as I said he can very well go out with this friend but in that case I would like to come the next day. But no, he wants me to be there as well as apparently no-one of his friends is as ridiculous as me. And now I feel bad I did this to him (haven't told him that though). He also says he would never put me in that kind of situation (easy to say because I wouldn't). So yes, I have been also thinking not going there now. It feels just akward and I'm afraid he has already told his friends as well how ridiculous I am. But if I do that, he will get really angry as his whole family is expecting me to the party on Saturday. I don't know if I want to do that. Edited March 5, 2013 by Blooming_13
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Yes, I'm very aware the situation is not healthy. But I still keep blaming myself for the situation and think I'm being just difficult. Although I guess it doesn't make any sense as everyone should be able to say what they like and what they don't. ... So yes, I have been also thinking not going there now. It feels just akward and I'm afraid he has already told his friends as well how ridiculous I am. But if I do that, he will get really angry as his whole family is expecting me to the party on Saturday. I don't know if I want to do that. It doesn't matter. When you break up with him, what anyone thinks of you, will be immaterial. And utterly unjustified. Listen to yourself. Blame me, blame me, blame me.... Quit with this talk. Quit this relationship. He has eroded and knocked away the strong character you had by beating you down into a submissive mind-set. Just - S.T.O.P.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Yes, I'm very aware the situation is not healthy. But I still keep blaming myself for the situation and think I'm being just difficult. Although I guess it doesn't make any sense as everyone should be able to say what they like and what they don't. And my bf thinks there is no reason to make compromise and I should not put him in a situation that he needs to choose between a night out with a friend he hardly ever sees or me. Although I think it's a bit extreme as I said he can very well go out with this friend but in that case I would like to come the next day. But no, he wants me to be there as well as apparently no-one of his friends is as ridiculous as me. And now I feel bad I did this to him (haven't told him that though). He also says he would never put me in that kind of situation (easy to say because I wouldn't). So yes, I have been also thinking not going there now. It feels just akward and I'm afraid he has already told his friends as well how ridiculous I am. But if I do that, he will get really angry as his whole family is expecting me to the party on Saturday. I don't know if I want to do that. Blah blah blah blah blah... Everything you say doesn't make a difference...the big reason is because you are actually listening and believing this guy. You can't negotiate with someone who doesn't listen, what don't you get about that? and if someone has manipulation power over you, then it's impossible to argue back in self-defense because they know exactly how to control your peanut mind. Emotionally you're just trying to do whatever it takes not to have this end...and as you can SEE, it doesn't work...relationships aren't about one person getting the shaft and making all the compromises, apologies and adjustments. That's just basically one person being desperate and not having any self-respect. You know what the worst part is....this guy is eventually going to dump you anyway, using some lame excuse and reason, you'll melt into a puddle of tears over bob knows what...and then you'll drag your carcass back to your bedroom, be depressed and sad for a few weeks, months and then you'll meet someone else. However because this guy in your current relationship treated you like crap and controlled you, any guy with half a brain and half the decency to treat you "well"...is going to put you on cloud nine, you'll be elated that someone actually gives two craps about your opinion...all because this guy treated you like you didn't even matter and you got so used to and conditioned to living that way...what you thought and felt was irrelevant...now you'll think any guy who gives a damn in the future is the "right" guy even if they're just pretending to care more than they actually do. But then again, you're subjecting yourself to this...this is what you're saying you deserve by your actions...this is what you're saying you will take and put up with to be with someone, you'll lower yourself, your own feelings, thoughts and conscience just to be in a relationship and because of what other morons think even when you know it isn't right..to hold onto it because you "love him so much"...why is anyone of these guys going to treat you worth a damn when you don't even know your own value and you don't draw the line in the sand for yourself, but just bend backwards? Who respects a pushover? Many men are NOT "man enough" to respect a woman on her own....Why? because women time and time again show you that they'll take just about any abuse to stay with you because they love you or have strong feelings....you have to demand the respect for yourself or you will simply get used. That's a tip that can dramatically change your life, it can save you from a string of disappointments. Many men will take advantage of women because they can, and most of them are pussies who are secretly insecure...so I'd suggest you get some balls for yourself...trust me, it won't be as hard as you think it is, they aren't very confident or strong as they may pretend to be...because they have the power over a little young and naive love stricken girl....any guy can manipulate someone like that, because YOU let it happen...YOU make it possible for this to play out, because YOU don't have the strength and self-love to walk away...and that's why he will continue to treat you however he wishes and never consider your feelings or thoughts because YOU show him that he doesn't have to, and he can continue standing on his soap box and act like it is YOU who is the problem...which is exactly why he'll dump you and blame you for the problems. And then of course later on beg you back in his life, but that's besides the point.
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