simps0n Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Hi all, and thank you for keeping up this community. I'll try to be short: I am writing to you because I feel I screwed up with a girl I really like. We are working at the same company, different buildings, but anyway.. that's how I met her. Eventually we started getting closer and hanging out together (i.e for lunch, go the mall at breaks etc.) I like her a lot and I think she likes me too. I first asked her out for a Sunday trip to the mountain 1 or 2 weeks ago. It was nice and we had the opportunity to talk a lot more and have some time alone. She loves the mountain, so we decided to do it again. So we spent another full day together yesterday.. I picked her up in the morning and gave her a little gift, an item I noticed she liked at the mall. Afterwards, some colleagues/friends joined us up there and our alone time was less than before (a HUGE mistake, I know). However, I think it went very good and we had a lot of fun. In the end of the day, I was supposed to drive her home and I knew that was "the moment". On our way she shared some more intimate stuff (i.e. having problems with money, problems at work etc.), things that she wouldn't say in front of others. I also tried to be supportive and allow her to get to know me better. As we approached her house, she brought up the topic about that present again and how unnecessary it was, maybe it wasn't exactly what she wanted blah blah.. I told her it was a gift and I liked how it suited her, but she continued to insist she feeled uncomfortable.. so I told her to think about it for a couple of days and I can return it & get a refund (sounds reaaally silly now). Then I should have walked her to the door, but she started talking about paying me for the gasoline. I told her we'll go with her car next time, but it sounded like I do not want the money because of her money problems.. an embarrassing situation for me & I am feeling like there is a hatchet in my heart now. I wanted to try to fix things up today (i.e offer her to go to the mall some time and choose another gift or return this one together), but she texted me she was busy today. I'll probably have another chance & see her this week, but I want to do things right this time. Do you think I should think of some kind of an apology (even though we did not have an actual 'fight')? And what would you/expect someone to do next? Thank you very much!
katylou84 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 How expensive was the gift? Perhaps she is not feeling the same way and does not want to lead you on. Its always a hard one, if she expected she might feel like she owes you soemthing. I would return the gift and not make a big deal about it. In fact I would only ever mention it once to say it was a mistake to purchase it for her so early on but its only because you like her and thought she would like the present. Leave it till the dust settles and then concentrate on being her friend and see what develops but dont overwhelm her with gifts until something romantic happens between you. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I don't think you did anything in particular wrong that caused you to lose this opportunity with this girl. You made a nice gesture with driving and going to the mountains, you tried to spend time with her...the part you went overboard was with the gift and I think it's obvious you are very into her and unfortunately it doesn't look like she feels the same way. She's just trying to prevent this from escalating, it wasn't likely because she didn't appreciate the gift or the gesture, however I think that's too soon and I wouldn't go the gift route unless it was something really simple and random. If she tries to return the gift, don't make a big deal about it...just tell her it's no sweat and it'll be just find. Then pull back a bit and just let things be for a while. If she's interested she'll make an effort to engage with you and hang out, otherwise this just sounds like you're putting in too much effort at this point for me and it may be that she is just looking at is as a social thing as other people met up there in the mountains. I think now she is understanding you have a strong interest where before she may have been kinda not paying attention or much mind to it. Her telling you about her woes or issues in life is something she could have just been open about because she trusts you, it doesn't indicate strong romantic interest or anything. I know what you want to do...call her and apologize and try to "repair" it, but that'll be a big fail in my book although I'm sure others may suggest a more proactive role in this...I would advise you to hang back and simply do nothing, don't get a monkey in your pants and start trying to do damage control...there's no going back, just let the chips fall where they may...you gotta just stick with it at this point.
Author simps0n Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Thank you both for your time & input! katylou84, The gift was not expensive, but a mistake because the timing was clearly not correct. I have the same feeling that she is preventing this from escalating too fast, but at the same time we have been seeing each other almost every day for a while and I still cannot determine how strong is her interest for me exactly. The other problem is that I am not sure about her recent relationships (and their impacts) & do not know almost anyone from her friend-zone. I like your suggestion about the gift, this was one of my ideas, but I was thinking of using it as a basis for next meeting. Not a good idea, probably. Ninjainpajamas, I understand, I am now confident that the gift part screwed things up. She probably took it as a more "social thing" yesterday as inviting another person was more or less her idea. I hear you, and I will hang back for a while, no matter how hard (and maybe risky?) it is. Edited March 4, 2013 by simps0n
JennaMax Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 oh boy, you did screw up big time. Just because someone is having money issues doesn't mean they can't buy stuff for themselves. You should've listened to her when she said she was uncomfortable. Saying this, it's not all lost. Give her some time and tell her that you really like her and that you're sorry if you offended her somehow. Let her come back to you...don't pester her;)
ChatroomHero Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 This kind of goes in line with what I have learned over the years. Flowers, candy, gifts...you think they might really impress a girl but if you are not in an actual relationship it never seems to accomplish any good. She rejects the gift like in the OPs situation, things get awkward. If she is not interested she may just take it and it doesn't make her any more interested and you spent money for nothing. If she is interested I think chances are pretty slim a gift will make push her over the edge. That being said if she brings it up just offer to return it and apologize if it made her feel awkward and move on. Probably not a good sign though.
Estate Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Hi all, and thank you for keeping up this community. I'll try to be short: I am writing to you because I feel I screwed up with a girl I really like. We are working at the same company, different buildings, but anyway.. that's how I met her. Eventually we started getting closer and hanging out together (i.e for lunch, go the mall at breaks etc.) I like her a lot and I think she likes me too. I first asked her out for a Sunday trip to the mountain 1 or 2 weeks ago. It was nice and we had the opportunity to talk a lot more and have some time alone. She loves the mountain, so we decided to do it again. So we spent another full day together yesterday.. I picked her up in the morning and gave her a little gift, an item I noticed she liked at the mall. Afterwards, some colleagues/friends joined us up there and our alone time was less than before (a HUGE mistake, I know). However, I think it went very good and we had a lot of fun. In the end of the day, I was supposed to drive her home and I knew that was "the moment". On our way she shared some more intimate stuff (i.e. having problems with money, problems at work etc.), things that she wouldn't say in front of others. I also tried to be supportive and allow her to get to know me better. As we approached her house, she brought up the topic about that present again and how unnecessary it was, maybe it wasn't exactly what she wanted blah blah.. I told her it was a gift and I liked how it suited her, but she continued to insist she feeled uncomfortable.. so I told her to think about it for a couple of days and I can return it & get a refund (sounds reaaally silly now). Then I should have walked her to the door, but she started talking about paying me for the gasoline. I told her we'll go with her car next time, but it sounded like I do not want the money because of her money problems.. an embarrassing situation for me & I am feeling like there is a hatchet in my heart now. I wanted to try to fix things up today (i.e offer her to go to the mall some time and choose another gift or return this one together), but she texted me she was busy today. I'll probably have another chance & see her this week, but I want to do things right this time. Do you think I should think of some kind of an apology (even though we did not have an actual 'fight')? And what would you/expect someone to do next? Thank you very much! Don't apologize. You came on too strong though... gifts and trying to get intimate details when you've only just asked her out.... way too much. You're coming off a bit weak. I'd leave it. I think you'll only have a chance at getting her back if you back off a bit... apologizing or forcing something more is gonna push her away more now.
Kamille Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I understand, I am now confident that the gift part screwed things up. She probably took it as a more "social thing" yesterday as inviting another person was more or less her idea. I hear you, and I will hang back for a while, no matter how hard (and maybe risky?) it is. I'm sorry to say this simps0n but, I don't think there was anything to screw up. To me, there are clear signs that she wasn't interested from the get go and that it likely was not going to happen, no matter what you did or did not do: she invited other people on the outing and she expressed discomfort about the gift. Basically, you can't make someone (who is not that interested) fall for you with gestures (such as gift giving). It doesn't work that way. I'm of the school who believes attraction is usually there from the beginning. There are exceptions, but they're exceptions for a reason. Best to face the facts and move on. And please note: I am in no way saying you're not attractive. I'm sure some girls will feel attraction for you. It just sounds to me like this girl doesn't.
Author simps0n Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) JennaMax, ChatroomHero, Thank you for your comments. I will probably need to go into more detail about the gift situation. We were talking about that item (say it was a relatively cheap pair of gloves) several times but never got the chance to go to that shop together. So I am at the shop the day before and I notice that the pair is on sale and there are only few left.. Then my friend, who was accompanying me, encouraged me to grab one and make a present. Initially, I did not think it was a good idea, but then decided to tell her what was the situation (on the phone). She asked for particular color and pictures.. As far as the choice was limited & price was good & the manager said that returns are accepted, I just got ALL pairs (four!) that were suitable for her. I thought the idea was fun, and I think it worked in the beginning after I told her everything, but in the end of the day it just made her feel uncomfortable (especially after telling me about her money issues). I noticed that and after my unsuccessful trying to convince her to accept it I just told her to think about it a couple of days before I return it. She never took it. I am pretty sure that if I was a bit more romantic and used proper words to describe how nice she looked I would convince her to take it though.. I know that she will never ask for it again. From your words I understand that it is better not to bring that topic again at all unless she asks. Edited March 4, 2013 by simps0n
Author simps0n Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Kamille, I got these 'signs' too, but things were going on pretty well up to that moment and I took the risk with the stupid gift. And it turned out to be a bad idea/timing. These gestures are my "weapon", because I suck with expressing my feelings & I am being a bit shy with girls. I know that I need to improve that but I do not want to experiment on this particular girl and that's why I am seeking for different opinions. However, I believe there is an attraction. Well, maybe I am a bit naive and base my opinion on the attention she gave me. I still hope I am right. My problem is that I want to impress her somehow (a bit inadequately unfortunately), yet we know each other from just a couple of months and it seems I know little about her.
ChatroomHero Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 1. Giving someone that is interested in you a gift, a small one like you say, shouldn't cause her to feel uncomfortable. I don't think the money thing was awkward or made her feel bad, I think it was her not wanting to mislead you. Accepting the gift on her part would potentially be a sign of interest. 2. "but at the same time we have been seeing each other almost every day for a while and I still cannot determine how strong is her interest for me exactly." -if you have constant contact like that with a girl and you have no idea where you stand, in my opinion it's the perfect indicator of exactly where you stand. Bottom line, the only thing you can do is ask her out on an actual date. Any reason, excuse, etc. she uses to decline (money, being co-workers, busy...) means she is not interested no matter how much you try to rationalize it. Simply ask her on a date, "Yes"=YES. Anything else = NO.
Estate Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 1. Giving someone that is interested in you a gift, a small one like you say, shouldn't cause her to feel uncomfortable. I don't think the money thing was awkward or made her feel bad, I think it was her not wanting to mislead you. Accepting the gift on her part would potentially be a sign of interest. 2. "but at the same time we have been seeing each other almost every day for a while and I still cannot determine how strong is her interest for me exactly." -if you have constant contact like that with a girl and you have no idea where you stand, in my opinion it's the perfect indicator of exactly where you stand. Bottom line, the only thing you can do is ask her out on an actual date. Any reason, excuse, etc. she uses to decline (money, being co-workers, busy...) means she is not interested no matter how much you try to rationalize it. Simply ask her on a date, "Yes"=YES. Anything else = NO. Exactly, you didn't even ask her on a date really! Then she shows up and you have gifts... not even one... you both every type available of the thing you probably said in passing was something nice... And you don't even really know each other? And she thought she was just hanging out with some guy for the day, then there's all this insane pressure? Guys!!!! Get a grip... PLEASE!!! Any more threads like this and I feel I'll explode... its the same thing EVERY DAY on here... Man up and just ask a girl out in the first place... stop trying to BUY her affection to make up for your own shortcommings.. Why would you even CONSIDER a gift for no reason? Like maybe if you stopped into the store on the way to buy a chocolate bar and came back to the car and said, here, got you one too... it's nice, or sweet but it's something a friend would do because he's a cool guy.... Picking up on one thing she said in passing and obsessing about it, going to the store (a womans store or dept you just HAPPENED to be in?) going out of your way to buy 4 types of them (who needs that?!?!?) and then grovelling and appologizing and making her take it and think about it and returning it for a DIFFERENT gift? Holy crap... I'm already freaked out by it... She got asked on an outing by some guy she thought was cool, agreed then went on with her week... now she realizes you were obsessing about this "date" you trapped her into by not even calling it a date... This reeks of desperation... why do you guys make it so hard on yourselves???????
Author simps0n Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Estate, My friend, I think I made it clear I understand I did not do it right. I wouldn't be here asking for advice if I followed the best case scenario agenda you suggested. I just needed any ideas for fixing this, no matter how difficult it may sound. Thanks for your input anyway, I appreciate your time.
todreaminblue Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Hi all, and thank you for keeping up this community. I'll try to be short: I am writing to you because I feel I screwed up with a girl I really like. We are working at the same company, different buildings, but anyway.. that's how I met her. Eventually we started getting closer and hanging out together (i.e for lunch, go the mall at breaks etc.) I like her a lot and I think she likes me too. I first asked her out for a Sunday trip to the mountain 1 or 2 weeks ago. It was nice and we had the opportunity to talk a lot more and have some time alone. She loves the mountain, so we decided to do it again. So we spent another full day together yesterday.. I picked her up in the morning and gave her a little gift, an item I noticed she liked at the mall. Afterwards, some colleagues/friends joined us up there and our alone time was less than before (a HUGE mistake, I know). However, I think it went very good and we had a lot of fun. In the end of the day, I was supposed to drive her home and I knew that was "the moment". On our way she shared some more intimate stuff (i.e. having problems with money, problems at work etc.), things that she wouldn't say in front of others. I also tried to be supportive and allow her to get to know me better. As we approached her house, she brought up the topic about that present again and how unnecessary it was, maybe it wasn't exactly what she wanted blah blah.. I told her it was a gift and I liked how it suited her, but she continued to insist she feeled uncomfortable.. so I told her to think about it for a couple of days and I can return it & get a refund (sounds reaaally silly now). Then I should have walked her to the door, but she started talking about paying me for the gasoline. I told her we'll go with her car next time, but it sounded like I do not want the money because of her money problems.. an embarrassing situation for me & I am feeling like there is a hatchet in my heart now. I wanted to try to fix things up today (i.e offer her to go to the mall some time and choose another gift or return this one together), but she texted me she was busy today. I'll probably have another chance & see her this week, but I want to do things right this time. Do you think I should think of some kind of an apology (even though we did not have an actual 'fight')? And what would you/expect someone to do next? Thank you very much! I dont think you should apologize .......some girls feel uncomfortable getting gifts....not because the thought behind the gift isnt sweet but to a certain degree it implies a debt with some men ...not saying you....she seems to be this type of girl....people who have money problems dont normally broadcast so the fact she told you a concern of hers was a good thing and her offering you gas money shows she has a fierce level of independence........so these are her likes and dislikes...let her help when she wants to.....ask her out again ask where she would like to go..dont bring the gift up again unless she does..best wishes....deb 1
Author simps0n Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I just sometimes find it difficult to determine women's behavior and get it wrong/misleading.. Situations when she thinks she is "outing with some guy that looked cool", and when you think she is waiting for you to do something. The difference may be obvious if seen from perspective, but really tough to notice if you are really into someone.
todreaminblue Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I just sometimes find it difficult to determine women's behavior and get it wrong/misleading.. Situations when she thinks she is "outing with some guy that looked cool", and when you think she is waiting for you to do something. The difference may be obvious if seen from perspective, but really tough to notice if you are really into someone. If ever you feel in your heart a woman is waiting for you to do something....do it....if what is in your heart is good and right...you will have no regret...i fidn it hard to tell guys i like them ......it doesnt happen often .....but i know in my heart that if i do its good and its right...so i jump...regardless of my head going noooo kamikaze you are going to eat dust.....and even if i do eat dust......i have no regret....well a little but its manageable few band aids.....few cuts few grazes....thats life.....deb
Estate Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Estate, My friend, I think I made it clear I understand I did not do it right. I wouldn't be here asking for advice if I followed the best case scenario agenda you suggested. I just needed any ideas for fixing this, no matter how difficult it may sound. Thanks for your input anyway, I appreciate your time. I know you won't want to hear this but.... The best thing to "fix" it is just leave her alone! If you chase her at all or try to "fix" something she doesn't even see there, the worse you'll make it. Leave her and just go meet other girls, you got this experience now. If she DOES have interest in you, then she'll wonder why you didn't call or better, see you meeting other girls. If you get to the point with any girl where you need to "fix" anything, best thing you can do is let it go and meet the next girl.
ChatroomHero Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Estate, My friend, I think I made it clear I understand I did not do it right. I wouldn't be here asking for advice if I followed the best case scenario agenda you suggested. I just needed any ideas for fixing this, no matter how difficult it may sound. Thanks for your input anyway, I appreciate your time. Read what Estate is saying, I think you are dismissing a valuable opportunity to learn how to better "read" women since you say you are bad at it: 1. Ask her out. If she says yes, great. If she says no, oh well. No reading involved there. 2. Don't consider a gift for no reason when right now she is just a co-worker/friend with boobs to you. See #1 3. Without having asked her out on a real date, it's not really romantic to put a lot of thought and show you were really paying attention by buying her a "boyfriend" type gift. See#1 When I used to think I was bad at reading women what it really came down to is I didn't ask them out and was passively looking for signs of their interest. You do little things and try to see how they react and then analyze it to death because you are afraid to ask and not get a "Yes". Life is pretty short, now I ask a woman out and Yes=Yes, Maybe=No, No=No. Nothing hard to read there. From what I read she has not turned down an offer for a date yet so you might as well ask her and all your questions will be answered in an instant.
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