Chicagoguy Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Wife has some medical problems. Basically broken vagina. Really. And I have been sympathetic for 15 years. She loves me but is ice cold to me. I try to tell her sex isn't only about her vagina but can just be about closeness. Intimacy. Just being close Sitting next to me. Kissing me sometimes. Hugging me sometimes. But never. She is ice cold to me. Maybe her failure physically is causing her to shut down. I try to be patient but to no avail. And if I move close to her, like sitting on the couch, if my elbow touches her, it becomes "ow" or "I' m warm. Please move over". Or she just adjusts away. Never snuggles. I work to take of myself but it is meaningless to her. What can I do? How do I get her back to some level of intimacy? Help!!
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Hmm. You say she is “cold” to you. Does that mean emotionally too? Does she treat you coldly when she speaks to you, in just everyday situations, or JUST when it comes to sex and physical affection / closeness? Was she very sexual before her…problem started? She may feel embarrassed or ashamed, and over 15 years you said? She may just have completely lost interest in any of that and has basically resigned herself to a lifetime of NO sex ever again. She may also feel threatened and pressured by you if she believes you want sex and she simply can’t do that anymore. So she goes “cold” towards you in ALL ways that could possibly relate to anything sexual. No hugging or holding because that could lead to you wanting sex. No kissing. Too close to sex. You know what I mean? How old is she, may I ask? Are there hormonal concerns here as well, or is it just that maybe the problem she experienced (15 years ago? Is it ongoing physically or was it a one-off thing that was fixed 15 years ago?) has literally caused her body to be incapable of having sex anymore. I would start with discussing this all with her. Try to be very open, very calm, patient, even if she happens to get defensive. If she says she will NOT discuss it, then say it upsets you NOT because of the lack of sex (do NOT focus on the sex. It could make things worse), but because of the lack of intimacy and affection. She is your wife. You want to spend the rest of your life with her, and you want her to be happy with you too. Say it hurts you when she moves away if you so much as touch her. Ask her if she feels you’re doing anything wrong that makes her feel she can’t be close to you physically (again, not related to sex.) Just see what she says…
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 How does one "break" their vagina? Is this a chronic issue or was there an actual injury? I wondered this too. lol
chucksagent Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 OP, sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's WAYYY more common than you think. All the awesome people on here who have perfect lives and are having sex all of the time will probably deny so (cause everyone is insecure and afraid to admit how life REALLY is at the sake of appearing awesome to people on a message board whom they will never meet), but I have a good friend who is a therapist and says she sees it SOOOOOOOOOOOO much...And in my own life I've seen and dealt with it. So, you are NOT alone. How long has there been a lack of sex/intimacy? You said you've been patient for 15 years, but does that mean there's been no sex/not a lot of sex for 15 years?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 All the awesome people on here who have perfect lives and are having sex all of the time will probably deny so (cause everyone is insecure and afraid to admit how life REALLY is at the sake of appearing awesome to people on a message board whom they will never meet), Actually, what you get on here are mostly caring folks who are willing to take the time to offer their input to others that have similar issues, both ongoing and resolved. And if you are willing to separate the wheat from the chaff, there are actually some real world solutions given to what are indeed common problems... Mr. Lucky 2
KathyM Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I would suggest marriage counseling. When there is a physical shut down of intimacy, it has often been triggered by an emotional shut down as well, and women tend to need to feel the emotional connection before wanting to engage physically with their spouse. If you both have been neglecting your emotional connection together, that could be the reason why she is not interested in sex. If there is an actual physical reason why she's not interested, then marriage counseling combined with a medical checkup can determine what the issue is and how to resolve it. Your first step in resolving this is to contact a marriage counselor to start to uncover what the real issue is. 1
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 How do I get her back to some level of intimacy? Help!! Please tell about what level of intimacy you had at some point... That will help. What you are describing is not healthy at all. Have you mentioned counseling? Because if she doesn't want a healthy relationship, it may be time to call it quits and move on entirely. 1
chucksagent Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Actually, what you get on here are mostly caring folks who are willing to take the time to offer their input to others that have similar issues, both ongoing and resolved. And if you are willing to separate the wheat from the chaff, there are actually some real world solutions given to what are indeed common problems... Mr. Lucky Read my words Mr. Lucky. "All the awesome people." NOT "Every person on here thiks they are awesome." I never implied that everyone on this site stinks - why would I be on here?!?!I was making a preliminary point to IGNORE anyone who acts like he is a leper or strange because I have seen some "awesome" people on here (while only a few) who do that. I was MERELY speaking to those people. But since you chimed in, where is your advice? Or were you just being awesome?
Author Chicagoguy Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks for your comments. Broken vagina....incurable vaginitis Always painful. And yes I agree she has just shut down all systems. I try to talk about it. I tell her it isn't about sex. She is about 50 years old now but going on for 15 years. When we met sex was okay. Never great but okay. That was plenty fine for me. I actually have a relatively low to moderate sexual drive.
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well, I think you need to sit her down and really talk to her. Say it upsets you greatly that your relationship / marriage no longer includes any intimacy, physical or emotional. You want that from her again because you love her and you valued and cherished that aspect of your relationship.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 But since you chimed in, where is your advice? Or were you just being awesome? My advice would be to do some reading here, lots of similar threads. And in them, some really good ideas and ways of stepping back to look at your issue a different way. And perhaps even more valuable, lots of input from the female side to help him understand both where his spouse might be at and how she got there. Use the site as a resource. "Those that don't know history..." Mr. Lucky
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