Well, looks like I am getting a 3rd chance...

[AlexfromBoston]

...and I am not going to screw this up. Gentlemen, I CAN'T stress this enough...when faced with a breakup, lay it on thick, do some mature, level-headed begging and pleading but DO NOT become a needy, whiny, weak, immature boy. Let her know you care, accept the breakup and disappear...after all, time+space=success. Please, play it cool and no matter what she says, be the bigger man and be mature and respectful. I don't care what she may say in the heat of the moment, remain calm and be cool. Again, I am no expert, but I have always been granted additional chances with each of my exes. Here are some samples for a variety of situations:

 

1. Break up due to clinginess/neediness - Accept the breakup, NC for a few weeks, apology and acceptance email and more NC. Let her hit you up. Don't jump at her or smother when she calls or texts. Act cool and confident and don't plead or beg for her back. Appear like you no longer care.

 

2. ...due to a generally cold/distant demeanor(my case) - Don't accept the breakup, lay it on thick, beg and plead maturely for another chance and profess your love. Do this until she is annoyed, finally accept your fate and disappear for 3-4 weeks. Send acceptance and apology email and go LC. Maybe shoot her a "how are you" text in the interim. Maintain LC until you establish your first date. If she appears annoyed, go NC until she contacts you.

 

3. ...Cheating - Apologize, admit to your wrongdoing and go NC until she hits you up(if she does). DO NOT PUSH IT!!! Give her plenty of space and time to sort out her emotions. If she contacts you, play it cool, remain apologetic and DO NOT LIE!!

 

4. ...Spousal abuse - Just disappear you dirtbag. You don't deserve her.

 

If you really want to move on, then NC is the way to go. Only you really know if a relationship is salvageable. if it is, then DO NOT go NC...maintain LC and be supportive. Oh and don't be a shoulder to cry on or a sucker...a little tough love goes a long way. JUST PLAY IT COOL!!! If you act like a desperate, needy creep you are going to be treated like one. And please don't pay for any of that crap that these so called experts like to pimp to the heartbroken masses. Any questions feel free to ask. I am no expert but I do have success when it comes to women.

[marklarsson]

In terms of the distant one. What if she got into a rebound just 3weeks after the break up. Surely the best is to go no contact after that happen a and not LC?

[fungusamungus]

Begging and pleading is by it's nature whiny and needy. There is no such thing as mature-level headed begging and pleading because if you were level headed at the moment, you wouldn't be doing it.

 

For REAL reconciliations (you know... the ones that actually last), there has to be enough time to go by for BOTH parties to get past the breakup. If that time hasn't passed, then you bring baggage from the old relationship into the new one and the moment you show any reversion to the problems that you had before... (which you eventually will if you haven't actually taken the time to fix them), it blows up again.

 

For all the times that I've reconciled with an ex, the longer break we had, the more successful the reconciliation. Because the more time we had to get over our own issues that were poisoning our relationship, the better. And yes, that often involved seeing her date other people for extended periods of time or me dating other people. Does this mean that I probably lost out on some of the exes that I could've gotten back otherwise if I had begged or laid it on thicker? Sure, but it was a filter of sorts, because those were the ones that I never truly wanted back, or ones that really just didn't care about me that much. Reconciliation is about WAY more than getting an ex back, getting an ex back into your good graces is NOT the difficult part. That's NOT the hard part, the hard part is keeping that relationship together after you get them back. And the most important part in keeping an ex, is laying the correct groundwork for YOURSELF, not for her.

 

The fact that this is the THIRD chance really says it all. Quick fix plans like this are for people who don't have patience to work for something better, whether that be building a new relationship with a new girl or an ex. This is basically returning to a broken relationship that you can put a facade on for a few months before it becomes abundantly clear that all these self-improvements and changes were made for no reason than to get someone back. Neediness and clinginess are not the same thing. Don't fool yourself into thinking that just because you were "distant" or "cold" meant that you weren't needy or aren't needy.

Edited March 4, 2013 by fungusamungus

[Skalabanan]

Part of me hoped when I saw this message that I wouldn't come back later and see replies from people agreeing.

 

Everyone has their methods and what works for one person maybe disastrous for others, I have friends that have broken up with their partner more times than I care to remember but are now happily married with kids and can't picture life apart and they never let contact drop for a prolonged period etc...

 

I got my ex back with LC but that failed because we didn't have much time apart to sort our heads out, but that's not to say people couldn't use the same method as me and be totally successful.

 

For me what I do know is, until I and my ex sort out the problems in our head we will never reconcile or more on to another partner.

[marklarsson]

. (which you eventually will if you haven't actually taken the time to fix them), it blows up again.

 

For all the times that I've reconciled with an ex, the longer break we had, the more successful the reconciliation... Neediness and clinginess are not the same thing. Don't fool yourself into thinking that just because you were "distant" or "cold" meant that you weren't needy or aren't needy.

 

time is the best healer for both moving on and reconciliation. i think this is where the idea of if you love something if it comes back then you know. but i think the reason why most of us try to get our ex back in the short period is mainly not being able to fathom the idea of them with someone else. i also think nothing can ruin the chances of an ex coming back. if e or she wants to they will.

 

the only things can can be done to quicken it. i say quicken because if you fail to give your ex space and always in her face months on end then how is she going to have the time to a)move on b)even process the idea of coming back to you etc...

 

i also say nothing can ruin because i have seen and heard of people doing really silly and stupid things post break up and still the ex comes back. it may be months it maybe years but if the want to they will. the only question is what are you doing with your time. remember they are living their life if your waiting

[fungusamungus]

time is the best healer for both moving on and reconciliation. i think this is where the idea of if you love something if it comes back then you know. but i think the reason why most of us try to get our ex back in the short period is mainly not being able to fathom the idea of them with someone else. i also think nothing can ruin the chances of an ex coming back. if e or she wants to they will.

And this is the problem. Fear and neediness should not be the reasons for wanting an ex back. This very situation that you point out, about how you want someone back because you are afraid that they're with someone else. That's driven by fear, insecurity and neediness. There is nothing you can do to keep an ex from hooking up with someone else. I once was sleeping with a girl who had just broken up with her BF of 2 years about 2 weeks after they broke up. By no means was she promiscuous or anything of the sort, but she had no remorse about doing so. Every time he called and dumped his heart out to her, she felt bad, and she'd call me over to talk, and we'd end up hooking up, and this continued until she just got sick of putting up with his bull**** (this went on for 6-7 months) and we started dating and continued to do so for the next year. She never got back with him and hasn't spoken to him in over 3 years now. All he did during that time was push her away.

the only things can can be done to quicken it. i say quicken because if you fail to give your ex space and always in her face months on end then how is she going to have the time to a)move on b)even process the idea of coming back to you etc...

Nope. You cannot quicken it. And I'm not sure if you actually believe this is true, or if you just want to tell yourself that this is true.

i also say nothing can ruin because i have seen and heard of people doing really silly and stupid things post break up and still the ex comes back. it may be months it maybe years but if the want to they will. the only question is what are you doing with your time. remember they are living their life if your waiting

Again, what is the goal here? To get an ex back? Or to be in a relationship with them that ACTUALLY LASTS? People come back for VERY stupid reasons. Simply getting an ex back, in the long run, means nothing if you can't make it last. And it doesn't last unless they came back for the right reasons.

[AlexfromBoston]

Well, this method isn't going to fix a broken relationship, rather assist someone in getting their foot in the door. Why let your move on and meet another guy, when you know, deep down, that you can improve and fix things.

[AlexfromBoston]

In terms of the distant one. What if she got into a rebound just 3weeks after the break up. Surely the best is to go no contact after that happen a and not LC?

 

If she moved on and jumped into a rebound, it's important to go NC for a month or more until you feel better about the situation. Heck, maybe she will approach you during this period. If not, you could always give her space and message her down the road to see how things are. If it was real love, she won't forget you. Just give her space. Don't act jealous or needy.

[AlexfromBoston]

Begging and pleading is by it's nature whiny and needy. There is no such thing as mature-level headed begging and pleading because if you were level headed at the moment, you wouldn't be doing it.

 

For REAL reconciliations (you know... the ones that actually last), there has to be enough time to go by for BOTH parties to get past the breakup. If that time hasn't passed, then you bring baggage from the old relationship into the new one and the moment you show any reversion to the problems that you had before... (which you eventually will if you haven't actually taken the time to fix them), it blows up again.

 

For all the times that I've reconciled with an ex, the longer break we had, the more successful the reconciliation. Because the more time we had to get over our own issues that were poisoning our relationship, the better. And yes, that often involved seeing her date other people for extended periods of time or me dating other people. Does this mean that I probably lost out on some of the exes that I could've gotten back otherwise if I had begged or laid it on thicker? Sure, but it was a filter of sorts, because those were the ones that I never truly wanted back, or ones that really just didn't care about me that much. Reconciliation is about WAY more than getting an ex back, getting an ex back into your good graces is NOT the difficult part. That's NOT the hard part, the hard part is keeping that relationship together after you get them back. And the most important part in keeping an ex, is laying the correct groundwork for YOURSELF, not for her.

 

The fact that this is the THIRD chance really says it all. Quick fix plans like this are for people who don't have patience to work for something better, whether that be building a new relationship with a new girl or an ex. This is basically returning to a broken relationship that you can put a facade on for a few months before it becomes abundantly clear that all these self-improvements and changes were made for no reason than to get someone back. Neediness and clinginess are not the same thing. Don't fool yourself into thinking that just because you were "distant" or "cold" meant that you weren't needy or aren't needy.

 

I do believe you can maturely approach a girl and basically plead to get her back. Just present her with valid points, your reasoning for a second chance and maintain a confident demeanor. Most guys have a complete meltdown and start up with the waterworks. And quick fix plans only work as a means to get one's foot in the door. I could've fixed things but I opted to act like a single man while simultaneously dating my girl. I won't let this happen again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Once again, have you actually done anything to fix whatever issues that have sunk you guys twice? I mean, it's good that you are convincing enough to be able to get your ex back quickly, but it's pointless if you don't actually learn anything from it. I have a feeling you are just repeating history.

[Amelie1980]

Should I reply to the super nice email from a few weeks ago that I couldn't answer if LC is the way to go?

[fungusamungus]

Well, this method isn't going to fix a broken relationship, rather assist someone in getting their foot in the door. Why let your move on and meet another guy, when you know, deep down, that you can improve and fix things.

I don't really worry about a girl meeting another guy, because I know that if she wants to meet another guy, she'll meet another guy regardless of what I do. Getting someone back for me isn't about keeping her from hooking up with someone else. What a girl does with someone else when we're not dating is not of my concern. For the ones that I really want back... my relationship with her is FAR more important to me than her meeting with some other guy. Why? Because if I did something to f up, or brought insecurity, or turned into a giant douchebag, or did whatever it was that made her dump me in the first place... then bringing that same baggage back into a second relationship with her under the pretense of a clean slate is far more toxic to my relationship with her than her dating other people when we're broken up.

I do believe you can maturely approach a girl and basically plead to get her back. Just present her with valid points, your reasoning for a second chance and maintain a confident demeanor. Most guys have a complete meltdown and start up with the waterworks. And quick fix plans only work as a means to get one's foot in the door. I could've fixed things but I opted to act like a single man while simultaneously dating my girl. I won't let this happen again.

Every time someone asks about how your strategy pans out, I feel like I always read "Oh yeah... we got back together but then she dumped me again because of my issues". And then there is some spiel about how you "could've fixed things BUT.. (insert excuse here)". Have you ever thought WHY you never do?

 

Is it because you just don't care enough about the women you date to actually follow through on doing what you've led them to believe you were doing? And rather than just accepting that, and moving on, you would just rather go back to them than actually be single? (Which just screams fear of being alone) Or do you continue these problems so you have an excuse to go to when you get dumped (a HUGE red flag for insecurity and need for control).

 

You're basically advising people to mislead their exes into believing that they're changed men in a time span where people don't suddenly become "changed men". And seeing that you've said that this has been the case in multiple instances, none of which have worked out since... it's not really that hard to see the problem.

Edited March 4, 2013 by fungusamungus

[SharkTooth]

I think you guys are spot on in having some real time of NC. Clear your head, get grounded, and feel like yourself again. I mean, that's good stuff right there. Like you said, patients is paramount. If you don't have patients, it's gonna be a long hard ride, probably filled with some rejection towards the end.

[AlexfromBoston]

I don't really worry about a girl meeting another guy, because I know that if she wants to meet another guy, she'll meet another guy regardless of what I do. Getting someone back for me isn't about keeping her from hooking up with someone else. What a girl does with someone else when we're not dating is not of my concern. For the ones that I really want back... my relationship with her is FAR more important to me than her meeting with some other guy. Why? Because if I did something to f up, or brought insecurity, or turned into a giant douchebag, or did whatever it was that made her dump me in the first place... then bringing that same baggage back into a second relationship with her under the pretense of a clean slate is far more toxic to my relationship with her than her dating other people when we're broken up.

 

Every time someone asks about how your strategy pans out, I feel like I always read "Oh yeah... we got back together but then she dumped me again because of my issues". And then there is some spiel about how you "could've fixed things BUT.. (insert excuse here)". Have you ever thought WHY you never do?

 

Is it because you just don't care enough about the women you date to actually follow through on doing what you've led them to believe you were doing? And rather than just accepting that, and moving on, you would just rather go back to them than actually be single? (Which just screams fear of being alone) Or do you continue these problems so you have an excuse to go to when you get dumped (a HUGE red flag for insecurity and need for control).

 

You're basically advising people to mislead their exes into believing that they're changed men in a time span where people don't suddenly become "changed men". And seeing that you've said that this has been the case in multiple instances, none of which have worked out since... it's not really that hard to see the problem.

 

Fungus, there really isn't any deep reasonings as to why I do what I do, rather, I miss my ex and formulate a plan to get her back. I'm definitely not insecure and I don't have a fear of being alone. They say that habit is stronger than love and I am inclined to believe that. I have been with this girl for years and I have a routine with her that I miss. Unfortunately, like most guys, I slip and make boneheaded decisions that jeopardize or terminate our relationship. Now, you are 100% right in saying that I am informing members to mislead their exes but it doesn't have to be a mistruth if the party is really committed to changing. I can pretty much promise that I won't slip again, because I truly feel like I lost someone special this time around.

[Simon Phoenix]

Fungus, there really isn't any deep reasonings as to why I do what I do, rather, I miss my ex and formulate a plan to get her back. I'm definitely not insecure and I don't have a fear of being alone. They say that habit is stronger than love and I am inclined to believe that. I have been with this girl for years and I have a routine with her that I miss. Unfortunately, like most guys, I slip and make boneheaded decisions that jeopardize or terminate our relationship. Now, you are 100% right in saying that I am informing members to mislead their exes but it doesn't have to be a mistruth if the party is really committed to changing. I can pretty much promise that I won't slip again, because I truly feel like I lost someone special this time around.

 

The odds of those changes sticking are low because of the quick, Persian bazaar nature of your "technique". You seem to do enough to get the person back and that's it. If you are really serious about not slipping, maybe you should take a little more time to make sure your changes stick.

Edited March 6, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Indio Negrito]

Alex,

 

i could use your input bro as im 15 months post-break up (my fault-dumper)

 

The following months I did everything i wasnt supposed to and then just withdrew and maintained LC with only reaching out on her bday, christmas or new years.

 

Her bday is the day after tomorrow and as much as I want to send her a cheesy poem i wrote, after reading your thread - realized I could very well be doing everything so wrong.

 

I feel she is worth pursuing because like you, became very accustomed to our routine together and at 36, my compass is so freakn off I find myself driving past my exit or dazing off.

 

Ive become a machine working out and working long hours just to keep my head preoccupied.

 

Im dating around to get my head out of my ass but every darn time Im alone - she's swirling around in my head.

 

Got any wisdom to impart?!

[NoLeafClover]

So long story short, kiss as much @$$ as possible lol eventually they will come back?

 

How about a better advice. MOVE ON

 

After a third time haven't you learned the lesson this person is not for you?

[singme2sleep]

Sometimes NC is your only option, if you're ex needs time and isn't ready to talk yet. By giving that to them, you are showing respect and that you care about their feelings. I believe that if they want to come back, and you haven't said "I hate you, leave me alone" then at some point they will reach out.

[LoveN]

I'm curious, I've been with my girlfriend/ex for 7 years, she called it quits about a month ago because she didn't feel like i was affectionate enough and like I wasn't there for her. I was too focused on other things that I let it affect our relationship and I didn't put it as priority or up there with school, etc. We live together and the first week we felt normal but she said we need to stop this touching, etc. after the 2nd week, the 3rd week she didn't talk much in the beginning but began to talk a bit more by the end of it, the 4th week we talk pretty normal and she accepts my small "I was thinking of you" when i got this gifts like candy and good luck note. We went out to eat the other day and I paid like normal and that night I wrapped my arms around her and she said remember our boundaries? and I just told her yea and moved away but after a few seconds she said "But we can, guess it doesn't hurt to cuddle/hug" so we cuddled and it felt good. Is she slowly allowing me in again or is this just something she's just doing? We don't text like normal anymore, when we're away we don't even text each other but when we're home together it feels normal and we talk normally.. Should I start texting her and talking to her more? I'm so confused at this point. We broke up because I didn't show her the affection she wanted and she felt distant from me because of that but I showed her affection other ways but I have learned I need to get it straight and show it her way because that's the only way she understands that type of affection.