mcdo Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Over the last 3 months I've gone through the various stages of the break-up process but I'm pretty puzzled as to where my head is right now. When we first broke up I was in complete denial for about a month. When she made it clear that we were definitely over for good I hit the serious depression stage. Made all the rookie mistakes too - text message terrorism, etc. So for the second month I played it cooler but was in regular contact with her - the emotional rollercoaster of thriving off her breadcrumbs. Had her over to my place a couple of times but still no use - she has moved on. After Valentines Day I decided to implement NC (finally!). I don't contact her and I've been quite good at ignoring her breadcrumbs (which have been getting weirder). Then one day I saw her and it absolutely tore me apart (in fact I started a different thread about it). Still stuck to NC. Now I do not want to know a single thing about her, don't want to know who she is, what she's doing, where she's going. I don't want to know that she still exists. And it's starting to have some positive effects. I don't think about her as often. But what I am finding really odd is if I hear any form of update. A couple of times friends have said they saw her - and it absolutely eats me alive. I don't know why. I feel like I've been progressing lately (due to NC) but ANY form of update kills me. Even something as simple as someone saying they saw her walking down the street. I stick my fingers in my ears and shout "I don't wanna know! I don't wanna know!" What stage is this? Have I gone backwards? Because a month ago I was in regular contact with her and wanted to see her as often as I could. Was able to spend time with her and be completely cool. Now I dread seeing her. I dread passing by her on the street because it would kill me. I don't get it. How have I gone from being cool in her presence to freaking out if I just hear anything about her?
mikeyv44 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 i feel the same way man. i haven't been broken up for very long (a month). we have talked on the phone twice, and i was texting but not a lot. anyways, i told her straight up that i couldn't talk to her anymore and have been doing the full no contact now for about a week. i know that i still really like her, and a part of me is in same fantasy world that we will get back together. sounds like you may feel the same way.
cavalier99 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Before you were not really healing and were just playing it cool and were sorta getting an addict type fix when you saw her or heard from her (even though it was negative contact it was contact and released chemicals in your brain) Now you are in detox and are avoiding your addition like the plague because you know how bad it is for you. This is progress. Not step back. Rock on! Cav 2
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Well, this stage is still part of the moving on process. You definitely haven’t gone backwards. A lot of the time when people implement NC, it’s for their own “emotional safety”. It is a protective mechanism against constantly being hit where it hurts. By being able to see them, talk to them, view their online activities, get updates about them from others, it HURTS because you are still invested in them in a way, even after the relationship is over. It hurts to know what they’re doing and thinking because they’re not doing and thinking it with YOU anymore. So NC kind of eases that pain a bit because you CAN’T know any of it. But at the same time, sometimes NC is a bit of a denial thing. You can get into this fairly peaceful state where you THINK you’ve moved on a LOT, because you haven’t had to be exposed to anything to do with her. But then if you ever ARE exposed to that again, it STILL hurts because you STILL have some sort of feelings for her. Just because you’ve been away from that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still exist. In time, it will fade. In a way, NC can be useful to get you to a stronger place where you’re then later better equipped to be exposed to certain things about her without it eating you alive. It’s all a roller coaster ride, you see. You haven’t had to feel that downward dip by finding out things about her until now, and so you weren’t used to that. I think you can either go completely NC again (and tell people NOT to talk about her at ALL, at least for a while), or you can try to just remember why things ended, try to feel ok about yourself and where you are moving forward to in your life (without her), and try to get a bit more used to dealing with those feelings that come up when you DO hear about her. If you do this, you’ll get more used to it and the roller coaster will level out again. 3
cavalier99 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Interesting point stevie. I have been 5 months pure NC. I know absolutely nothing. And am well on my way to recovery. Except for 1 email from her with 0 info, I'm essentially 100 percent in the dark. I've seen others here like saludas that need to see EX every day but are essentially NC...they get desensitised and recover also. I guess the key is that you keep NC don't respond or seek info. If it comes you deal with it but you are still respecting the NC concept. We all recover but the less info the better IMO. I have no idea how i would respond to seeing or hearing about my ex. Im not sure i even want to go there. It is still a somewat uncomfortable thought because it is like she has ceased to exist. I would be like the dead coming to life..hmm reminds me Walking Dead tonight. Woooo hoooo! Edited March 4, 2013 by cavalier99
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 It’s almost like a horse who cannot resist looking and going over to the sides when he’s supposed to be running straight down the race track. So he puts blinkers on himself to prevent that. And if he wears those blinkers, and is unable to look to the sides anymore, for 6 months…when he takes them off for the first time, he won’t actually be equipped to know quite how to deal with the newfound ability to look to the sides again…and if there are things that have existed in those “blind” areas all this time that used to hurt him, he will be able to see them again and it will still hurt. It may feel like a surprise that it still hurts because it’s been so long, but not really. It’s also a bit like a drug addict who goes to into rehab in this amazing, faraway place where they don’t have to deal with anything apart from getting off drugs. And they may be off those drugs for 6 months but then when they return home, to their real lives and are exposed to normal stuff they had to deal with previously, it becomes MUCH harder. Because although they’re now stronger and better equipped to deal with not using drugs, they still have to adapt to being back in the real world again. It’s the same here. You’ve taken away the ability for yourself to have any contact with her at all, and now that ability has returned somewhat, you have to adjust to it. In a way, your moving forward process that includes exposure to your ex has been arrested or halted because of NC. You have to almost start again to heal and move forward, based on this stronger self that you have now been able to attain following the NC period that gave you the distance and lack of exposure you needed. 1
cavalier99 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Stevie i love your analogy. Very spot on. But i also think that if you spend enough time NC. A year or more and something comes up. I think the BU and that person would be SO SO far in the past it wouldn't phase you much because so much has changed.
Author mcdo Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Thanks for the replies guys. I can confidently say it's still a form of progress. I feel that the dread I would get if I see her is like a side effect of me trying to flush her out of my system. The fact that I am trying to flush her out means that I am continuing to progress (as opposed to a few weeks ago when I kept clinging on to the last strands of hope). Incidentally, lately a few friends think I've come to a stage where I should be open to meeting someone new. I was afraid to meet someone and have this ton of emotional baggage on my back. It would only hurt them. My friends think I'm at a stage where I could meet someone now and not put them through any BS brought on by my ex. In fact, one or two claim it could be just the thing to finally knock the ex out of the park. I don't know how soon is too soon though. It's 3 months since the break-up. I guess every person is different. But that is a quarter of a year!
KatZee Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Well the stages of grief are: 1. Shock & Denial 2. Pain & Guilt 3. Anger & Bargaining 4. "Depression", Reflection, Lonliness 5. The Upward Turn 6. Reflection & Working Through 7. Acceptance & Hope I think you've finally accepted that you need to be complete NC in order to heal. I think you're stuck in stages 1 and 2. Hearing about your ex puts you back at square one, you're in shock hearing what you do hear, you're in denial about her moving on, it causes you pain and you may or may not feel guilt for things you may have or have not done in the relationship. If you stick with NC you're going to hit the rest of the stages. You still sound very raw though. I cut my ex off from day 1 and didn't want to hear about him or know about him at all. By month 2/3 I was in the anger stage, then I did steps 6, 5, and 7 respectively within the next few months. I really don't feel anything when I think of my ex now at all. Don't care about him, what he's doing. I saw a picture of him accidentally this morning and he just felt like a stranger. Nothing more.
Author mcdo Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Aw man I'm not still stuck at Stage 1 am I?!?! Nah I think the shock and denial happened a few months ago. I didn't mind the denial phase actually - it allowed me continue on with my life blissfully unaware that it was indeed all over! The pain & guilt has come and gone a couple of times so ya, maybe I am still around that state of mind. But the last couple of weeks would probably mostly be "Depression", Reflection and Loneliness. I'd be lying if I said I had progressed from these frames of mind. And I seem to have skipped anger. Haven't really been angry towards her or myself. Indeed I have regrets but I haven't been angry about them. Come on that upward turn - I'm waiting for you!
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