calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) she was drunk, I was extremely drunk, I can barely remember the conversation, but basically after she realized I wasn't chasing or trying to say hi.. she came over and said hello to my best friend as he was stood right next to me.. and I smiled and laughed and asked her to just go away, she laughed too and seemed a bit shocked.. and then my friend just started walking and told me to come with him to the bar. should I apologize? even though I was drunk and barely remember and its probably for the best, I still feel mean/ out of character. Edited March 4, 2013 by calgary
Drummerboy420 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I dunno. Seems like you have a right to feel the way you do if you are trying to implement NC and she just walks up to your best friend as if you're not standing there.
SendHope Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 No. Go about your own business and cut that train of thought. That only leads to convincing yourself that you need to contact to her. 4
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 No. Go about your own business and cut that train of thought. That only leads to convincing yourself that you need to contact to her. I feel like I do. I didn't want it to end on bad terms like that. always wanted to leave the door open for a future friendship / reconciliation one day. but I feel like being a drunken mess and telling her to go away was rude and embarrassing. i'm really upset with my behaviour.
Drummerboy420 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I can understand that feeling. One day I hope maybe to salvage a friendship with my ex as well.. Despite what's happened. But that was inappropriate of your ex, drunk or not. If mine did that at this point in time of the breakup, I'd probably react the way you did sober. Seemed like she was looking for a reaction.
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I can understand that feeling. One day I hope maybe to salvage a friendship with my ex as well.. Despite what's happened. But that was inappropriate of your ex, drunk or not. If mine did that at this point in time of the breakup, I'd probably react the way you did sober. Seemed like she was looking for a reaction. true! but why was she looking for a reaction?
coltsfan1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Have you asked your friend what he thinks? He was there..... Have you thought about NOT going where she is? When I was in your shoes I did two things 1 I stopped going where my ex went & 2 and I stopped hanging out with any mutual friends. This was for a solid year, now if I see her its no big deal. Just needed time to be away from her and them. You may have to go that route, & if your friend was a good friend he would tell your ex he would talk to her later. just my .2 cents. 1
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Have you asked your friend what he thinks? He was there..... Have you thought about NOT going where she is? When I was in your shoes I did two things 1 I stopped going where my ex went & 2 and I stopped hanging out with any mutual friends. This was for a solid year, now if I see her its no big deal. Just needed time to be away from her and them. You may have to go that route, & if your friend was a good friend he would tell your ex he would talk to her later. just my .2 cents. yeah, my friends just always want to go to this one place, and she knows i go there, so she shows up and hangs out with her friends there.. i went to another place but she started coming there. my friend was drunk too, i appreciate him making me walk away before i said something even worse. i haven't really been very good with alcohol, as i'm struggling to eat and sleep. my friend told me it seemed really awkward that's why he tried to diffuse the situation. Thanks, i just don't know if i should send her an email and tell her not to reply but i'm sorry about my behaviour.
Mack05 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Calgary forget about being available reconciliation...Why? see below from the book 'getting past your breakup'. It just delays your healing living in limbo hoping for something that will probably (very high) never come to pass. I knew this happen and all its done is set you back in your progress. You shouldn't have went there! I mean how many other clubs are there in town!? You went cause you wanted to meet her. You hoped she'd be there. To say anything otherwise you are just kidding yourself. All this stuff about wanting to apologise is just an excuse to maintain an connection to your ex. Telling her to go away might actually be the best thing for you. She knows you are not a bad guy. She knows you are not a rude guy. She knows you are hurting and you reacted that way because you are hurting. If you feel the need to apologise then do it (as you are doing it, ask her kindly to stay away from you from now on), but PLEASE let that be the end of it. Don't go back to the same place and maintain strict NC. I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. Edited March 4, 2013 by Mack05 2
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Calgary forget about being available reconciliation...Why? see below from the book 'getting past your breakup'. It just delays your healing living in limbo hoping for something that will probably (very high) never come to pass. I knew this happen and all its done is set you back in your progress. You shouldn't have went there! I mean how many other clubs are there in town!? You went cause you wanted to meet her. You hoped she'd be there. To say anything otherwise you are just kidding yourself. All this stuff about wanting to apologise is just an excuse to maintain an connection to your ex. Telling her to go away might actually be the best thing for you. She knows you are not a bad guy. She knows you are not a rude guy. She knows you are hurting and you reacted that way because you are hurting. If you feel the need to apologise then do it (as you are doing it, ask her kindly to stay away from you from now on), but PLEASE let that be the end of it. Don't go back to the same place and maintain strict NC. I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. thanks again mack05 i'll try my best to remain no contact. i'm struggling with my whole life at the moment, trying to find myself.. trying to enjoy myself, i just feel so depressed. not just about my ex, but my friends have all become drug addicts, all anybody wants to do is get drunk, there's no life outside of bars and clubs here , and everyone meets at the same place week in week out and talks about the same stuff on repeat. it's so boring, i want more out of life than this.. i want to meet a girl who doesn't want to go out drinking all of the time and hooking up with guys. i just don't know where she is ! i will apologise to my ex, i feel like i acted out of character and i won't be able to sleep knowing i told her to ' f*ck off' whilst drunk. could you maybe help me write a solid apology that leaves the door open for friendship and reconciliation in the future but no contact for now ? i just don't know where to start.
Own Worst Enemy Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 she can only have reacted in one of two ways: 1 - she hasn't really noticed/doesn't really care why would you apologise to someone in those circumstances? 2 - she was upset that you would not want to see her and will now be feeling bad about it and thinking about her actions why would you want to disrupt that thought process? especially with a new thought process that makes her think she's right back in the status quo, with you as the nice guy who is still hung up on her. either way, you should NOT be the one to reach out. she hurt you, she needs to accept the consequences of that. if she noticed it enough and feels bad enough, she will contact you. and if she doesn't, well - aren't you glad you didn't email her? 2
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 she can only have reacted in one of two ways: 1 - she hasn't really noticed/doesn't really care why would you apologise to someone in those circumstances? 2 - she was upset that you would not want to see her and will now be feeling bad about it and thinking about her actions why would you want to disrupt that thought process? especially with a new thought process that makes her think she's right back in the status quo, with you as the nice guy who is still hung up on her. either way, you should NOT be the one to reach out. she hurt you, she needs to accept the consequences of that. if she noticed it enough and feels bad enough, she will contact you. and if she doesn't, well - aren't you glad you didn't email her? you're absolutely right ! thank you, just another weak moment in my life. she has hurt me a lot. i doubt she cares or that i'll ever hear from her, she'd probably reply to an apology in a nasty manor anyway. 1
mutant Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 i want to meet a girl who doesn't want to go out drinking all of the time and hooking up with guys. i just don't know where she is ! Calgary, these type of girls are probably not interested or looking for guys like you who just want to engage in a cycle of endless alcohol abuse. And even if you hooked up with such a girl while you are in this kind of mess, it would be difficult to sustain a healthy relationship. It seems that your hope lies in finding another girl who will turn your life around and make it feel worthwhile once more. I am sure that this type of dependency will only push away any potential female. I read somewhere here that you have to sort out your emotional problems before you can attract the right kind of partner. This also applies to me and I am working hard to turn my life around, not just to attract the girl I want but also to improve my general well being. Just like Mack05 put it, You have to take stock of your life and the former relationship so that you can work on improving that which you deem important. If you want to stop alcohol abuse then you have to find alternative things to do so that you can break that cycle. Similarly, I have friends who just love getting smashed uptown and sleeping with multiple girls. But I have not joined them in any of their indulgences for months now. Reason? I got several things to accomplish in my free time and hardly have anytime left to join them. I believe this is easier said than done but all you need is the WILL which you already have. Its time you start working on yourSELF and forget about getting another girl to replace your ex. 2
Mack05 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 i want to meet a girl who doesn't want to go out drinking all of the time and hooking up with guys. i just don't know where she is Me neither Bro!
Own Worst Enemy Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 but it doesn't have to be drinking. And I'm certainly not into cheap hook-ups. I go out to have fun, not to get la1d! There are lots of us out there, I promise. I could name at least 2 others who live near me just from this website, never mind real life...
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I cant seem to be happy though, not just because of my ex. just everything. instead of getting out of bed full of ambition to better myself I've gone inwards and I just want to curl up in a ball all night not doing anything. feel so lonely, I would be so much happier with like minded people.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 There are girls who want a nice guy, who aren't behaving poorly all over the city. Are you in college/uni right now? Because there are tons of hangouts etc all over the place in and around those campuses. And over 50% of the people attending post-secondary are women. Calgary has a really active "meetup" culture too. This city is large, spread out and lots of variety. I have NO IDEA how you can get isolated to two hangouts thatyoir ex goes to. LOL. Are they in the suburbs or what? (that I would get) thanks again mack05 i'll try my best to remain no contact. i'm struggling with my whole life at the moment, trying to find myself.. trying to enjoy myself, i just feel so depressed. not just about my ex, but my friends have all become drug addicts, all anybody wants to do is get drunk, there's no life outside of bars and clubs here , and everyone meets at the same place week in week out and talks about the same stuff on repeat. it's so boring, i want more out of life than this.. i want to meet a girl who doesn't want to go out drinking all of the time and hooking up with guys. i just don't know where she is ! i will apologise to my ex, i feel like i acted out of character and i won't be able to sleep knowing i told her to ' f*ck off' whilst drunk. could you maybe help me write a solid apology that leaves the door open for friendship and reconciliation in the future but no contact for now ? i just don't know where to start.
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 unfortunately I moved away from Calgary, i'm in a small city where everybody knows everybody's business. would love to move back. I study a night course. but it's 2 classes a week, with the same people and they're all a lot older than me. I have really bad anxiety today I really don't feel like going out.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 unfortunately I moved away from Calgary, i'm in a small city where everybody knows everybody's business. would love to move back. I study a night course. but it's 2 classes a week, with the same people and they're all a lot older than me. I have really bad anxiety today I really don't feel like going out. Craziness, LOL. I hope it isn't Airdrie. That place strikes me as an "in ya business" place.
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 so everybody agrees no apology.. I was extremely drunk and did tell her to f*ck off apparently. I feel so stupid, I've never got that drunk before I've been getting so drunker easier since the break up. i'm not really a nasty person so I feel really really bad. it was obvious I was a mess. but remain no contact and I did the right thing walking away... I just wasn't polite I feel like I made it clear I don't want to talk to her anymore.. although I would love to eventually .. just not now. i'm in no fit state for a girlfriend right now, I need to repair myself, I don't want to have a ' talk' with her or be ' fake friends' I just wish she'd come over watch a film stay quiet and cuddle up to me. that would be perfect.
Mack05 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Listen Calgary if you feel like apologizing do it, but as I said let this be the end of it. Something like. "Sorry for my behaviour the other night, it was well out of order. I would appreciate it though if you gave me space for the next while. Hope things are well with you. Take care" It's ok to feel down after a breakup. Just try do something positive everyday. Start off with little things and then do more and more. For me regular exercising is theee best thing you can do. Start off slow and then built it up. Also try get as much fresh air as possible. Last but not least try St Johns Wort. It's a herbal remedy for depression. Other options...Learn a new language, really cool and really rewarding. Especially when you travel where they speak the language. Maybe somewhere down the line you could look at moving somewhere new? Moving can be the best kick start to a new life. I know it helped me enormously. Doesn't sound like there is many options in the place you are in now. Edited March 4, 2013 by Mack05 2
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 thanks mack05 I always look forward to your posts you've helped me a lot and even though I mess up you still don't give up on me man it's much appreciated. I might email her it a little later tonight i'll have a think about whether or not to bother. 1
mutant Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 calgary, from what you have posted, you haven't let go of you ex. If you really want to achieve benign indifference in future, you have to work for it now. That means limiting your contact as much as possible with her until you are ready. You have already been doing this and all you need is to get back on your NC horse and keep going. it's been 2 months since break-up and so far it doesn't seem like she wants to get back with you. Your top priority now should be to get over her. initiating contact wont help with this what you did was react to her stupid move of coming over to say hi to your friend while completely ignoring your presence. she knows she did wrong on her part and should own up to her mistake. but hey, she doesn't have to and she won't....so do you. whether she feels aggrieved or not doesn't matter, she can deal with it. Just focus on overcoming this setback without necessarily initiating contact.
Author calgary Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 calgary, from what you have posted, you haven't let go of you ex. If you really want to achieve benign indifference in future, you have to work for it now. That means limiting your contact as much as possible with her until you are ready. You have already been doing this and all you need is to get back on your NC horse and keep going. it's been 2 months since break-up and so far it doesn't seem like she wants to get back with you. Your top priority now should be to get over her. initiating contact wont help with this what you did was react to her stupid move of coming over to say hi to your friend while completely ignoring your presence. she knows she did wrong on her part and should own up to her mistake. but hey, she doesn't have to and she won't....so do you. whether she feels aggrieved or not doesn't matter, she can deal with it. Just focus on overcoming this setback without necessarily initiating contact. it's really weird but I just missed a call from her best friend. I ignored it I won't get in touch i'll just stay no contact now for good. it's awful but that's life. like you said she's not got in contact with me and she's not apologized. she's not upset. it's just me. she leads me on, she comes over to see if she can get some kind of reaction. I don't know what's going on but I am a complete mess, not just over her, but trying to find myself again.. the guy I was before I met her, I don't want to be him again, I don't like that friend group anymore or what they get upto. I need a fresh new life. it just feels so lonely letting go of everything and starting again right now, not knowing how i'll ever meet new people and start up a new social life again.
mutant Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I am also struggling to find myself, I want a brand new me but it's quite challenging to develop new positive habits. In a way I am also in a mess but I have been steadily getting away from it but at a very slow pace. it's like I have plateaued. I think you have to sit down and realistically establish what you want to achieve and who you want to be. this is the first step that will enable you determine the subsequent actions you will take to achieve these goals. for me, I have done exactly that but somehow I cant move forward..I also need more advice and motivation. However, one thing I have managed is to get over my ex. I know I have not yet achieved indifference but I have made tremendous improvements. I believe this is what you need..however you cant achieve this overnight and its quite a roller coaster ride. trying to improve your life, even when it feels like you are failing, is the quickest way that can help you get over an ex.
Recommended Posts