trunck Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 My boyfriend & I have been together almost 7 years on & off. We started dating when I was 15 and have been through a lot. It's been a roller coaster growing up as individuals & as a couple. There's been times he's taken me for granted & times when I've been ready for more than what he was ready for at the time. Now we are both done with school & settled into our long term full time jobs. We have finally got things down. He appreciates me, does things for me, always pays for me, sends me flowers & does the things he knows will make me happy. This is a side of him I've never seen before & I love it all. After some time of this I have become insecure & wonder if this side of him is going to go away or stay forever. I have become unhappy with the person I am. I lack confidence in myself. It causes me to act certain ways towards him & sometimes I'm afraid it will push him away. He knows how I've been feeling & has done nothing but stand by my side. But for some reason everything he does for me only makes me happy for a short period of time. I have become dependent on only him. I want to be with him 24/7. I wait to answer my friends back about doing something until I hear from him. I totally get that this is unhealthy but I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I expect so much from him & end up disappointed. He loves his friend time & he has plenty of his own hobbies. I have zero hobbies. I do have friends & enjoy time with them but would prefer spending time with him, partly because I don't feel as if I can rely on my friends. It's taking a toll on me emotionally & straining our relationship. I miss when I had confidence in myself because I act differently & I can see it has a different affect in our relationship. I know he can tell a difference too. Please help I'm desperate in finding happiness from within & my confidence!
camillalev Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 start doing or researching things you feel passionately about. if you're not sure what that is, experiment. Drawing, photography, animals, blogging, fashion, women's rights, politics, designing, films, cinematography, animation, food, cooking, language. There's a whole world out there. People are naturally drawn to specific areas of interest. You need to find yours. Don't be discouraged if you're not 'perfect' at whatever you try the first time around. Have fun honing your craft, whatever it is.
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 This is kind of hard, because it’s so EASY to become dependent in a very close intimate / romantic relationship, especially if you have an existing preference and enjoyment or need to feel protected or taken care of. I agree with the above suggestion to try to find things you’re passionate about. Doesn’t matter if your partner feels the same way. You find something YOU love to do or are very interested in, and try to spend a bit more time doing that. For yourself. The best relationships are those that have a balance. You can long to spend ALL your time with your partner, but you also have to have your own time and interests too, in order to even fully APPRECIATE the time spent with your partner. If you never do anything without him or let him decide everything, he may not really enjoy this. He may wonder where YOU went. Where the girl he fell in love with went, you know? If you sort of morph into him and become a shadow of your former self, it can be hard not only to maintain the deep love you have for each other, but also, sometimes (and this may not happen of course), the “dominant” partner gets used to being in control and if the “passive” partner ever decides to take back some of themselves, the dominant partner does not react well. They see it as a threat after so long of being the one in control.
Author trunck Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 start doing or researching things you feel passionately about. if you're not sure what that is, experiment. Drawing, photography, animals, blogging, fashion, women's rights, politics, designing, films, cinematography, animation, food, cooking, language. There's a whole world out there. People are naturally drawn to specific areas of interest. You need to find yours. Don't be discouraged if you're not 'perfect' at whatever you try the first time around. Have fun honing your craft, whatever it is. That's what I'm going to try to do. I have thought of learning how to play the guitar. So I'm going to try that & continue to find other things. Thank you for your input!
Author trunck Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 This is kind of hard, because it’s so EASY to become dependent in a very close intimate / romantic relationship, especially if you have an existing preference and enjoyment or need to feel protected or taken care of. I agree with the above suggestion to try to find things you’re passionate about. Doesn’t matter if your partner feels the same way. You find something YOU love to do or are very interested in, and try to spend a bit more time doing that. For yourself. The best relationships are those that have a balance. You can long to spend ALL your time with your partner, but you also have to have your own time and interests too, in order to even fully APPRECIATE the time spent with your partner. If you never do anything without him or let him decide everything, he may not really enjoy this. He may wonder where YOU went. Where the girl he fell in love with went, you know? If you sort of morph into him and become a shadow of your former self, it can be hard not only to maintain the deep love you have for each other, but also, sometimes (and this may not happen of course), the “dominant” partner gets used to being in control and if the “passive” partner ever decides to take back some of themselves, the dominant partner does not react well. They see it as a threat after so long of being the one in control. I completely agree. We've had balance in our relationship in the past & I've loved it. I think I've just lost myself along the way. I do worry that he'll wonder where the girl he fell in love with went. Like the other day I asked him if he was happy with me & he said "yes why wouldn't I be?". But thank you for your reply I am going to try my best to find my passions & interests & incorporate them back into my life.
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 It’s very important for SO many reasons to be able to feel comfortable and ok within yourself, by yourself, independent of your partner. As much as you love being with them, I find if you are TRULY secure and stable in your relationship, you’re ok with being alone without them and doing your own thing without feeling the need to check with them first or anything like that. It’s also important because if ever the relationship ends…oh my GOD, it’s SO HARD if you lose ALL of yourself when they leave. Because if there’s not much of you left, they take it all with you and they didn’t even choose that, you let it happen. And yeah, the person he fell in love with was a whole person. A total individual. You did what you wanted regardless of what he thought. That shouldn’t change (within reason) just because you get into a committed intimate relationship. If you lose yourself in them, who will they love? I find this happens a lot when you start to need them. Love and need are separate entities I think. And when you NEED them after getting into a relationship, you enter the “danger zone” of becoming prone to losing part of yourself in them. You just need to be with them SO much, you need them to be around to feel ok and full, you need them to protect you, to support you, to want you, to love you, and if they don’t need you, you are MISERABLE! But unfortunately that need can also translate to you feeling disinterested or unable to be your own person like you were BEFORE that need made you dependent on them. See what I mean? 1
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