zse45tgb Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Hi there, as you can probably tell I am new here. I am expecting a potential break or break-up soon and have been researching around the last couple of days and stumbled upon this forum. Anyways, I'll try to keep my situation as brief as I can but it's a pretty hefty one. I have been going out with my girlfriend for about 3 and 1/2 years now. Things have always been great and we've always been able to work out our differences. Also out of these 3.5 years we've been long distance for about a year and a half with the full intention of ending the long distance portion within the next year. She moved away because I should probably mention her parents are divorced long ago. Her father is an abusive, manipulative bi-polar person, and part of the reason her mom moved away was so that she and my girlfriend's step-dad could get away from my girlfriends father. My girlfriend stayed behind for a year but then moved in with her mom as her step-dad is in the military and had to go on tour to Afghanistan, so she went to go support her mom. She just recently came back from a Geography Field Research trip that was about 12 days long. She left the day after Valentines Day and we had such an amazing time, and I even took her to the airport and everything at zero dark stupid to send her off. About half-way into her trip she messaged me out of the blue saying we needed to talk. I was blind-sided a little bit because the duration of the trip at that point we were emailing each other about once or twice a day and all was good. I wasn't completely blind-sided however because I know she has a hard time talking about issues and lets them build up until it's too late. She is afraid of getting hurt, that if we solve issues like we have before that they'll resurface a month or two later and she'll get hurt all over again. I didn't entirely know what she was talking about but I had some ideas. I then told her I didn't want to talk about us until she was back and we were face-to-face. She agreed and for the rest of her trip she would send me little messages saying she misses me, loves me, all that bread crumb stuff. Didn't fall for it, waited for her to come back home. She came back and we met for breakfast before she had to go back to her town. As I mentioned before she's afraid of not fixing mistakes but that also she has lost her own identity, and has been only been me and her. She thinks we never had our own identities, only an identity together. Something I should mention too is I use to be the clingy one in the relationship when it first started until about 2 and half years into it, in which I changed my life around going from someone getting D's and F's in University to someone now earning A's and A+'s with a 4.0 GPA, something we've both been proud of me doing, but at the same time I learned to give her some space and she started to become more clingy to me. The whole time I acted fine and happy and I think it scared her a little, but I told her I didn't want her to get the impression that I don't care about her. She gave me the longest, most affectionate hug I have ever gotten from her and 3 passionate kisses where she said she loves me, and I said it back and maybe upon reflection now I shouldn't have done that. It was at that point I decided I need to give her space to figure things out herself, didn't reply to her texts or nothing. Then on Friday she said we needed to talk and stupid me talked to her over skype. She said she thought she needs to find herself first, work on herself before she can work on us again, which I completely understand, however I didn't like the suggestion of a break. We had a break before and I don't think it solved anything, nor do I think breaks in general solve anything. We both though agreed that if a break "were" to happen we couldn't see anyone else. One of her friends suggested we see other people but what really made me trust my girlfriend was that she said "That might work for 90% of people, but that wouldn't work for me and my boyfriend." Made me trust her a bit, but still didn't like the idea of being "friends". We agreed to give each other space for a week and we were doing this because we loved each other, blah, blah, blah. I had enough trying to fight for her, she had to come to her own terms about herself and me. I didn't want to pressure her into anything but let her know I would like to work things out, and I don't think I could just be a friend, even if that included doing our best separately so we can be the best for each other again, I can't be strung along clinging to false hopes. She agreed, said she would never do that but said it terrified her if she wouldn't be able to have me in her life. Anyways, 2 days went by and she called me early this morning, me not checking who it was like an idiot just answered it and we went to talking again... She told me almost the same jiff, and that she wanted to give me the heart-shapped necklace I gave her a year into our relationship. I asked why because it sounded to me like she was trying to distance herself but she told me it's because it's her most prized possession, she wears it all the time and that she would want to give it to me as a promise, that I'm the one who has her heart. It made me feel better and I said I trust her but I don't fully know about the friend idea. I told her "if" (and that's a big if), we were to be friends, it would have to be something more. She still agrees we would never see anyone else, only focus on finding ourselves, and that even if someone were to come along that she would be reserved for me, and she wouldn't even dare start seeing someone, because she wants us to work. She said she could never be "just" friends because she loves me too much and her opinion is that it would be hard but she would love me even more because she couldn't totally act on it. I told her it sounds fishy, that again, I don't want to be strung along with some false hope for a month or a year to only have her change her mind. I don't know what to think, she has never given a reason for me not to trust her. She envisions a future with me, and I know she means it when she says she loves me. I just know she has to come to this on her own terms. I felt the conversation was good, and technically we are still together. I know waiting 5 more days until we were suppose to talk again probably won't change her mind that much at all. I told her I needed time to think, that either we work on things, or she finds herself while being not in as serious of a relationship, but as something more than friends with full commitment, or yeah... I want to initiate no contact with her, but I don't know currently if that's the best thing considering we're still technically together and that she still wants to talk in 5 days. I don't want to be the one initiating a break or anything because that means I'd be the one who has to do all the work to get her back. Would initiating no contact with her be the right thing to do in this scenario? Or should I still not talk until Friday like intended to, then initiate no contact then? I love her so much, and I want to be with her, but I would be doing no contact for myself, so that I heal and make myself better, to be okay without her. If she wants to get back together with me, she has to be the one who makes that step.
Author zse45tgb Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Just got like 5 texts in a row from her about her day at work (she's still at work), she's currently working as a lifeguard and said, "Don't mean to abuse this whole friends thing... but you are the only one who will understand... Most stressful day at work. Two fire alarms, 4 missing children, girl on slide would not get off then got hit by the next person, blood everywhere, think she bit through her tongue... Deck head is being difficult, not doing things right, I have more seniority but can't say anything. Anyways, thanks for letting me momentarily vent." I was a little floored, and I use to be a lifeguard myself so I know what you have to deal with sometimes. I didn't respond initially but I told her, "I'm hating myself for sending this but, I'm really sorry about your day at work. I hope it all works out. I need you to realize we haven't 100% decided what we are doing or defining things as yet. I can't have you forcing a label on me/us. Sorry if that was blunt, don't mean to diminish what happened at work for you. I know you handled it the best way possible." I really want to initiate NC now... I didn't want to fall for her texting but I needed to be clear with her where we are, maybe it was just a miss step on her part saying that but now I don't know what to think. No contact, that's what I hope is best right now, I don't want to be dragged along.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 This is horrendous. I'm afraid I get the impression that she wants to break up with you as a BF, but doesn't want to lose that 'close connection' you guys have developed over the past few years.... She doesn't want to be with you as a GF any more, but as things stand, she's currently engineering it so that nobody else can have you either..... That's not a deliberate or spiteful ploy by the way, but it's the way it's panning out. She 'loves' you. Intensely. She's just not IN love with you, but can't let go, because you've become something of an ultimate security blanket for her. And to release you with the possibility that you will be free to date again, is not something she feels at all comfortable with.... I'm sorry - there's no easy or kind way to do this, but you guys are spending no time apart at all, and this isn't working to resolve anything.... I hate to say it, but you need to absolutley, definitely agree to unequivocal complete No Contact for at least 3 months. I#'m serious. Total shut-down. And in that time, don't count the days, don't tick them off the calendar. book a day 3 months hence when you can meet, in a public place (like a cafe,) and touch base. but until then, you need to get your heads sorted and decide what it is you want. More precisely, she's the one who has to do that. You have to prepare yourself for something terminal, just in case. But you both have lives to lead; you can't suspend them for an uncertain limbo. You're going to have to be 'the man' and tell her this. It's a three-month-long, fall-off-the-radar time for both of you. And when those 3 months are up - you want a definite answer. And do NOT take that necklace back. I'm afraid I don't see it the same way you do. She's returning it, because I think the attachment and meaning of it is too strong for her to be reminded of. Tell her she is to keep it. But if she really wants to give it back to you - you will take it as a signal that everything is over between you. So tell her to hang on to it. For the next 3 months.
Author zse45tgb Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 TaraMaiden - Thank-you, I really think that helps me. I just want to make sure I understand what you're saying straight. Your suggestion to me is to tell her we should do full NC for 3 months and agree upon it. Then agree to meet at a specific date where I will need an answer. And that I shouldn't take back that necklace. If I'm understanding that correctly, I just have a few questions, as I am very much considering doing this. Should I tell her if I'm taking back the necklace that I am taking it as sign everything is over, do I let her know that? And is a set date 3 months in advance a good thing to do? I'll be honest, I know I want to initiate no contact but I'm personally uncertain if I should say it out loud or just not at all. I know most things I've read about no contact say you shouldn't put a time limit on it, so to be honest I'm just a little worried about how that would work out is all. Regardless if you reply or not thank-you again, I think it really helped getting an opinion from someone who has no steak in this or doesn't know me and my girlfriend at all. Really appreciate it.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 TaraMaiden - Thank-you, I really think that helps me. I just want to make sure I understand what you're saying straight. Your suggestion to me is to tell her we should do full NC for 3 months and agree upon it. Then agree to meet at a specific date where I will need an answer. And that I shouldn't take back that necklace. If I'm understanding that correctly, I just have a few questions, as I am very much considering doing this. Should I tell her if I'm taking back the necklace that I am taking it as sign everything is over, do I let her know that? And is a set date 3 months in advance a good thing to do? I'll be honest, I know I want to initiate no contact but I'm personally uncertain if I should say it out loud or just not at all. I know most things I've read about no contact say you shouldn't put a time limit on it, so to be honest I'm just a little worried about how that would work out is all. Regardless if you reply or not thank-you again, I think it really helped getting an opinion from someone who has no steak in this or doesn't know me and my girlfriend at all. Really appreciate it. I would normally agree that No Contact is No Contact - period and end of story. But she sounds extremely uncertain and totally at odds with her own head/heart.... So maybe giving her - and you - this time, will reinforce whatever conviction you may have about definitely breaking up. Really, all this has been brought about by her own prevarications. So it's left you feeling muddled and uncertain. However, if you personally feel it would be better to 'cut the chase' and merely call it a day (because otherwise it would simply serve to prolong the agony) then go with your instinct. And yes, give her that condition, with regard to the necklace.... Whichever you choose (3 months, or permanent) then it's fair to tell her. I urge you to please read the Definitive No Contact Guide (link in my signature). You'll see by the number of posts I have made that I'm a pretty regular fixture here... I've been called the Queen of Mean (but in a good way) and Mrs No Contact, and The mother of all "Tell it like it is" posters - so I have a reputation for this No Contact malarkey. I recommend temporary no contact less frequently than the chance of finding rocking-horse poo, so count yourself privileged - !! If you feel complete NC is the way to go - then do it. But don't expect it to be plain sailing. She will break this agreement, with breadcrumbs, I guarantee it. Be strong, and never reply - but post here and tell us instead. We'll help you through it, if that's what you need.
Author zse45tgb Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I would normally agree that No Contact is No Contact - period and end of story. But she sounds extremely uncertain and totally at odds with her own head/heart.... So maybe giving her - and you - this time, will reinforce whatever conviction you may have about definitely breaking up. Really, all this has been brought about by her own prevarications. So it's left you feeling muddled and uncertain. However, if you personally feel it would be better to 'cut the chase' and merely call it a day (because otherwise it would simply serve to prolong the agony) then go with your instinct. And yes, give her that condition, with regard to the necklace.... Whichever you choose (3 months, or permanent) then it's fair to tell her. I urge you to please read the Definitive No Contact Guide (link in my signature). You'll see by the number of posts I have made that I'm a pretty regular fixture here... I've been called the Queen of Mean (but in a good way) and Mrs No Contact, and The mother of all "Tell it like it is" posters - so I have a reputation for this No Contact malarkey. I recommend temporary no contact less frequently than the chance of finding rocking-horse poo, so count yourself privileged - !! If you feel complete NC is the way to go - then do it. But don't expect it to be plain sailing. She will break this agreement, with breadcrumbs, I guarantee it. Be strong, and never reply - but post here and tell us instead. We'll help you through it, if that's what you need. Thank-you again! I have actually read your guide when you first replied to me, it was really informative. I think for now at least I'm going to call it a day, not contact her and think about it a bit more before I let her know. I hope 3 months isn't too much pressure, but I feel like if she does love me, she'll know by then. Regardless, I'm going to use that time to improve myself and enjoy my life. And yes, there might be a point when I'm down in the dumps, not knowing what the heck it is I should do and from what I've seen so far with my limited time here, it's a very supporting place where everyone is listened to. I will definitely come here when things get rough or I need some outside advice. Thanks again!
Author zse45tgb Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 So I told her. She tried to bring up the friends garbage again, and I said we need to have no contact for 3 months, described it how you did, no marking off days or anything, figure out if want to be together or not. Told her that if she gives me back the necklace it means everything is over. She said good to that because she didn't really want to give it to me and she was wearing it when we talked (over skype, say it, she even held it up). I told her even though it's a necklace for a girl, I see it as more of my heart, and that I gave it to you. She did seem happy she could keep it though. Told her it's the same conditions as if we were going to remain just friends, can't see anyone... she protested a little bit, saying one of her better friends told her it would allow us to see if anyone else is out there and if that didn't work with other people we know what we would have. I told her I see where that friend is coming from but if that were to happen I'm done. She agreed, said it would be too painful for her to know if I was with someone else. She said said it wouldn't be fair because we want to revisit this and give it another chance another day, and having that uncertainty wouldn't be good, nor would it be fair, a rebound would just cloud our judgement and we need to think with a clear head. She then told me if it could maybe be before her birthday, 2 months instead... I think I stupidly agreed here cuz I asked her why and she said "Well if we work things out I'd want you back for it, I'd want you on my birthday." It kind of gave me a little hope, but I realize it is a breadcrumb and to take it with a grain of salt, doesn't mean anything right now. Right now I'm going to focus on me and try not to think of her, I swear it here I won't break contact and won't reply to her when she sends me breadcrumbs. See how this goes I'm going to do my best to get back to me and if she wants me, she's gotta fight for it now.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Read your last post again. Go through it and tell me how much of what she said was angled towards making you happy - and how much of it was angled towards keeping HER happy..... Permit me to illustrate.... So I told her. She tried to bring up the friends garbage again, and I said we need to have no contact for 3 months, described it how you did, no marking off days or anything, figure out if want to be together or not. Told her that if she gives me back the necklace it means everything is over. She said good to that because she didn't really want to give it to me and she was wearing it when we talked (over skype, say it, she even held it up). I told her even though it's a necklace for a girl, I see it as more of my heart, and that I gave it to you. She did seem happy she could keep it though. Told her it's the same conditions as if we were going to remain just friends, can't see anyone... she protested a little bit, saying one of her better friends told her it would allow us to see if anyone else is out there and if that didn't work with other people we know what we would have. I told her I see where that friend is coming from but if that were to happen I'm done. She agreed, said it would be too painful for her to know if I was with someone else. She said said it wouldn't be fair because we want to revisit this and give it another chance another day, and having that uncertainty wouldn't be good, nor would it be fair, a rebound would just cloud our judgement and we need to think with a clear head. She then told me if it could maybe be before her birthday, 2 months instead... I think I stupidly agreed here cuz I asked her why and she said "Well if we work things out I'd want you back for it, I'd want you on my birthday." It kind of gave me a little hope, but I realize it is a breadcrumb and to take it with a grain of salt, doesn't mean anything right now. So much for true love, and the necklace which seals it....Yet she already tentatively put forward the 'dating someone else' option.... for herself, that is. And 'protested a little bit' when you disagreed? Remember what I said about the "Doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either."....? I leave it to you to pick this up and run with it - but - is that, or is that not, a little red flag for you...?
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