What do I do (if anything)?

March 4, 2013

Your third option is to move on, which I think is your only one at this point to be healthy.

March 4, 2013

Your third option is to move on, which I think is your only one at this point to be healthy.

Even though he's not gotten seriously involved with anyone for a year, and reached out to me every few months? What if he really is remorseful? He told me the other night that people go through life (experiences and emotions) like swinging pendulums. He said he and I met at a time when we couldn't be in sync. He wasn't ready, and to be honest, I don't think I was either.

I think a good conversation with him will provide some clarity.

March 4, 2013

Call him and ask him out. I agree with previous posters that you've shot him down a couple of times. Everyone is afraid of being hurt, even him. You have nothing to lose.

March 4, 2013

I agree. I'll ask him if he'd like to get together this week or next. If he wants to, I'll let him know then how I feel/what I've been thinking, and see where he's at. I'm not going to lie, seeing him made me feel very happy and I'd love to spend more time with him. I think the timing is much better now than before, and I do believe he regrets leaving hastily a year ago.

March 4, 2013

The few times he's reached out to, you were still in a relationship. He doesn't seem like he has boundaries or he has buyer's remorse. I certainly not reach out to him.

Back in January, I had an ex reach out to me and I specifically told him I was in a relationship. He actually pressed the issue and I felt disrespected.

I'm sorry, but he just doesn't sound like someone who's going to stay around for a long time if he come and go as he pleases.

March 4, 2013

Charlie has never pressed the issue. I actually think he's been very respectful. Also, one of my friends works with one of his family members, and Charlie has told his family about me and how much he regrets letting me go.

Sometimes people are just in the wrong place to be in a relationship. Doesn't mean they can't make it work later down the line. When we dated, he was always straight with me, and always kind.

I know this has the possibility to blow up in my face, but I'll have to assume that risk with anyone I get involved with. I'll see how my conversation with him goes before I get excited about the prospect of trying at a relationship again with him.

Edited March 4, 2013 by ScienceGal

March 4, 2013

He just wrote to me to confirm the date of the event we're going to in a few weeks. I said "Sounds good! If you're interested in getting together before then, let me know". He replied "Will do. We should try to get together before then. Let's be in touch." I responded "ok :)"

I am obviously terrible at being the aggressor. And, I feel all fluttery and as though I am 16 again. Oh, brother.

March 4, 2013

He just wrote to me to confirm the date of the event we're going to in a few weeks. I said "Sounds good! If you're interested in getting together before then, let me know". He replied "Will do. We should try to get together before then. Let's be in touch." I responded "ok :)"

I am obviously terrible at being the aggressor. And, I feel all fluttery and as though I am 16 again. Oh, brother.

That's good news. Glad he responded positively.

If you want to leave it to him, it sounds like he's interested in meeting up but he might not want to push it too hard this time, if he doesn't ask you out soon, don't be afraid to ask him.

From the guys perspective, only if I REALLY like a girl will I ask more than once and after being turned down a few times I stop trying, it's not worth it... so you might need to be letting him know you ARE interested now.

Also... I hope this ISN'T the case, but here's something I had happen recently:

I dated a girl for about a month or so early last year, it seemed to fizzle out a little and I met someone else and moved on. By the end of the year I was single again and we just wound up back in contact. I was glad to hear from her and she wanted to meet up.

But when I looked back on it, there was a reason it didn't go anywhere... I was much happier with the 2nd girl I had met and while the idea of seeing her now that I was single sounded good, I began to ask... am I just interested because I was lonely? And I began to realize yes... although she's a great girl... she wasn't my number 1 originally, and it wouldn't be healthy to get with her again, she wasn't my number 1.

So be careful of that... do you REALLY like this guy now? Or are you just into him because you don't have other options? Be honest with yourself.

March 5, 2013

I have thought about what things were like, and whether I really want to go down that road again. Truth is, the ex I just spent almost a year with was a terrible choice on my part. I know it, as do my friends and family. I am ready to move on. I've always wished Charlie didn't leave, but he did, and I don't hold any hard feelings. He was honest about it, and I respect that. I believe it was important for Charlie to be without me and work through everything. I am glad I wasn't available when he first wanted me back, because he wasn't ready. Now, I believe if it can work, it will work. The timing is right.

I'm excited. I think it's going to be good And, I think I'll likely hear from him in the next few days.

March 6, 2013

do you REALLY like this guy now? Or are you just into him because you don't have other options? Be honest with yourself.

I do really like him, and I do have other options. I'm trying to just relax about it until he and I get together. I'll talk with him when we do, and hopefully I will know if we have a real chance or not.

No word from him today.

March 6, 2013

I do really like him, and I do have other options. I'm trying to just relax about it until he and I get together. I'll talk with him when we do, and hopefully I will know if we have a real chance or not.

No word from him today.

I think you're good with this so.

Hopefully all goes well. I'd still say you should take a little initiative in setting things up just so he see's you're really interested now but the even is a few weeks away you said? Leave him and maybe shoot a text over the weekend and see if you can set something up.

March 9, 2013

Charlie and I met tonight, and as much as I want to be hopeful, my heart feels sad.

He is someone who is ruled by his intellectual side. He doesn't deny that he cares for me, but is taking a rational approach. A month ago, after my dad passed, he reached out, and I politely declined. I emailed him to let him know where I was at, which was a very low and dark place. Now, I feel better, and in many ways am happier that I've been in a long time. I feel focused and in control. I'm not 100%, but I am moving forward. He still questions where my mind is at though, and if I am really ok right now. He doesn't want me to reach out to him now out of convenience. I told him if that were the case, I would've taken him up on his offer to "be there to listen and hug me" when my dad passed. I'm not interested in using anyone, and I've spent the past several weeks alone.

He's holding back, and hesitating. He said that he laid it all out in October, that he "went out on a limb" and I didn't reciprocate. Note: I was in a relationship and he knew that. Also, note that this is a man who left me, twice in a 6 month period. So, now, shouldn't he be the one showing me how much he cares? How much he regrets leaving me? I was never angry or nasty with him either. No begging or pleading. When he left, I hugged him and let him go.

Going into tonight, I just expected more. Is it wrong of me to want his heart to override his mind? For him to look at me and make me feel truly loved? What's with the caution? Why is he thinking so much? He "loved" me in October, but now wants to start dating, and "from scratch". His only small token of reassurance was him saying that he isn't going anywhere, and that me dating other men doesn't threaten him (he knows I have a date this week). He thinks that if we're meant to be, it will happen.

I told him that my feelings for him never changed, I just managed them as best I could. And when he left, the second time, I moved on. Also, that I would never leave my partner for another man, under any circumstance. So in October, when he professed his love, I'm not sure what he was hoping for. I worked through my previous relationship the way I had to, it ended, I took some time to myself, and now I am ready to see someone new. I really don't feel I've done anything but be mature and responsible the entire time I've known Charlie. Am I missing something here?

He walked me to my car where we shared a very nice hug, and he gave me a very sweet and gentle kiss.

Edited March 9, 2013 by ScienceGal

March 9, 2013

He wants to get together this week or this coming weekend. And, we already have plans the following weekend.

Am I setting myself up for failure here?!

March 9, 2013

I don't like this "Charlie" guy at all.

He sounds like he always wants what he can't have. When you aren't available he professes love. When you *are* available, he abandons you. Classic behavior of a guy who just isn't really available.

Over the years, I put up with all kinds of stuff I shouldn't have in relationships. But even for me with my high level of tolerance for pain and bad behavior, someone dumping me once was it. Once he left, it was over; period, full stop, whatever. I didn't go back, I didn't stay in touch, and I didn't hang around being a "friend." I wanted marriage and a man who would be with me for the rest of our lives. And that meant someone who *didn't* walk away when he was going through "issues" or whatever. Everyone has issues, and hard times in life. I figured if someone wasn't willing to hold up a commitment for a year, there was no way he was going to hang around for the next few decades. And I didn't have room for men like that in my life.

I think "Charlie" is bad news. I like him even less than I liked your ex. I have trouble with a guy who would talk about his feelings for you knowing that you were deep in a relationship with someone else. I think you are better off without him in your life.

Given how many opportunities you get to date, I don't see any reason for you to go back to somebody who--twice--let you go.

Just my $0.02.

March 10, 2013

2) I am still hurting, from losing my dad, and from failed relationships. It's all on my shoulders and I feel the weight. I'm in good spirits, but my heart does ache. I don't think I could take being hurt again so soon. I think I am too scared he'll leave again. What is the remedy for this?

SG--again, very sorry about your dad. You are very brave.

TBH I think a few weeks after a breakup, and a major life trauma, is a dangerous time to jump into relationship-seeking again, even if you think you're ready. More often than not, dating while one is in emotional turmoil leads people to think short-term, latch onto some guy/girl and hang on for dear life just to be in a relationship, and ignore or otherwise rationalize away glaring red flags (e.g. the other person has already dumped you twice.)

Sure, love is a risk. But I think one can avoid a lot of that risk with common sense:

(1) generally people don't change--and if they do it takes years. So steer clear of men with whom you've previously had more than one breakup. I was four months out from the worst breakup of my life when I met my husband, and like your ex, I had a lot of trust issues. I didn't deal by dumping him twice and fleeing. I worked through whatever issues I had, because I loved my now-husband and wanted to be with him.

(2) Look for partners who are emotionally stable, have their finances under control, and take decent care of their health. I am sure there are exceptions to both, but I would not bet anything I valued on being one--especially in my thirties, when time was beginning to matter and relationship scars were piling up.

(3) Immediately (< 3 months) after the end of a LTR, or any major life trauma, is not the best time to start a new relationship. If you absolutely must do it, get advice from a variety of people in your real life who know you, know the guy, and have your best interests at heart. And trust that advice. If they have reservations about a guy, don't assume that they are all wrong, that you are the only one who sees the untapped potential, etc.

If I'd known what marriage was like, I would have made different choices in men in my twenties, and saved myself a lot of grief. Dating isn't about not being alone right this second. It's about who you want to become your closest family, to spend the rest of your life with, grow old with, and raise kids with (since you've said you want those things.) Think long-term, not tomorrow, and your future self will thank you. I ultimately learned how to do that, and the result was that I married someone who was different from any of my ex'es; in particular, he was very loving, warm, and stable. I wake up every morning thanking the universe that a good man came along and I was able to recognize him--a decade ago I would not have.

Just my usual wet-blanket $0.02.

Edited March 10, 2013 by moontiger

March 12, 2013

Moontiger, Always a pleasure to read your posts. Sometimes I wish I knew you in real life!

After meeting with Charlie last week, I am not optimistic at all. In fact, I am actually feeling quite uneasy about him. I guess my only holdup is that I understood what he said, and the importance of taking it slow after all I've been through. It just wasn't what I expected to hear. Had he professed his love for me again, where would that leave me? I am ok with my life. After seeing him I realized I don't want to jump into anything, with him or with anyone else. So, in a way it was good he didn't throw himself at me. I am not denying he is emotionally unavailable though, there were other comments he made last week that indicated he isn't.

I spoke to a new guy on the phone tonight. It was nice, and surprisingly easy. We'll likely meet sometime soon. I have a date this week with another guy too. I am not pushing to be with anyone; in fact, I am really enjoying focusing on just myself. I know this will not last long though. I will miss the intimacy and that comes with a committed relationship. So, as a woman who hasn't dated much, I think it's a good idea to allow myself to talk to men and to date casually (no sex). I am direct and upfront, so if a man isn't wanting to date casually, then they don't have to date me.

And again, I am not looking. These two new men I've met through friends and they both reached out to me. If they both fall through, I will be just fine.

This is a very interesting time in my life. Just trying to take everything slow and easy. I hope the choices I'm making and will make are the right ones.

Edited March 12, 2013 by ScienceGal

March 12, 2013

He wants to get together this week or this coming weekend. And, we already have plans the following weekend.

Am I setting myself up for failure here?!

There is a saying that "attraction has an expiry date"....

I can only re-iterate what's being said.. his holding back is really what I was expecting from him. He did go out on a limb for you and held out for a long time.

For a guy, it comes to a point where you feel you need to walk away.

This happened with an ex of mine. I was crazy about her, after our first breakup I chased her hard. But she went back and forward on me so much I had to make a clean break. She rejected me too many times, then came back to me, only to reject me again.

I don't think you're at this point with this guy, he's talking to you and making plans so he's obviously interested... but to reiterate...

It really is on YOU to make the effort now to create the spark again and prove to him he's not setting himself up for failure.

For some reason after a year of rejection, you expect him to keep chasing... be honest, if he was chasing you now... would you still want him? If yes then you need to show him that.

At the end of the day, if I was this guy... I'd take his stance.

You've got to stop waiting for him to make the moves here, it's really on you initially to prove to him he won't be rejected again when he lets you back in.

March 12, 2013

Estate,

I made a move by letting him know I'd like to spend time together, and by bringing up the conversation of "us". His hesitation is due to him not being sure that I am ready so soon after all I've been through. HIS choice was to take it slow. He said he isn't threatened if I want to date other men because he wants me to find the love of my life (and he wants to find the same). It sounds to me like he wants his foot in the door, but doesn't want to commit.. Just like before.

He left me twice before, and I didn't give him any reason to! So, I had a right to be skeptical in October and I have a right now. When we dated before, he had things his way and on his terms. He was unavailable emotionally, so I tried to show him love and kindness, but it came at my own expense. He was wreckless with me, and I let him be. I'm not a rag doll though.

Perhaps the potential has expired. My thought is that he is still emotionally unavailable. I won't do any coddling or hand holding this time. He knows me, and I'm either worth or or not.

Edited March 12, 2013 by ScienceGal

March 12, 2013

His hesitation is due to him not being sure that I am ready

He's right! You said "I am not pushing to be with anyone; in fact, I am really enjoying focusing on just myself."

You don't know what you want. I try to avoid men like that myself.

March 12, 2013

I want someone I can count on, but I'm not just going to be with someone for the sake of it (hence, I'm "not pushing to be with someone"). I want a long term partner, but realize that takes time and good decisions. I care about Charlie a great deal, I just don't know if he'll actually stay this time. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

March 12, 2013

I'm trying to figure out what to do.

I agree wholeheartedly with Moon Tiger, and as for the above... He left you twice, and you're still in an emotionally vulnerable place. There's nothing for YOU to do. IMO, it's on him to prove that he's gonna stick this time.

March 12, 2013

Charlie and I met tonight, and as much as I want to be hopeful, my heart feels sad.

He is someone who is ruled by his intellectual side. He doesn't deny that he cares for me, but is taking a rational approach. A month ago, after my dad passed, he reached out, and I politely declined. I emailed him to let him know where I was at, which was a very low and dark place. Now, I feel better, and in many ways am happier that I've been in a long time. I feel focused and in control. I'm not 100%, but I am moving forward. He still questions where my mind is at though, and if I am really ok right now. He doesn't want me to reach out to him now out of convenience. I told him if that were the case, I would've taken him up on his offer to "be there to listen and hug me" when my dad passed. I'm not interested in using anyone, and I've spent the past several weeks alone.

He's holding back, and hesitating. He said that he laid it all out in October, that he "went out on a limb" and I didn't reciprocate. Note: I was in a relationship and he knew that. Also, note that this is a man who left me, twice in a 6 month period. So, now, shouldn't he be the one showing me how much he cares? How much he regrets leaving me? I was never angry or nasty with him either. No begging or pleading. When he left, I hugged him and let him go.

Going into tonight, I just expected more. Is it wrong of me to want his heart to override his mind? For him to look at me and make me feel truly loved? What's with the caution? Why is he thinking so much? He "loved" me in October, but now wants to start dating, and "from scratch". His only small token of reassurance was him saying that he isn't going anywhere, and that me dating other men doesn't threaten him (he knows I have a date this week). He thinks that if we're meant to be, it will happen.

I told him that my feelings for him never changed, I just managed them as best I could. And when he left, the second time, I moved on. Also, that I would never leave my partner for another man, under any circumstance. So in October, when he professed his love, I'm not sure what he was hoping for. I worked through my previous relationship the way I had to, it ended, I took some time to myself, and now I am ready to see someone new. I really don't feel I've done anything but be mature and responsible the entire time I've known Charlie. Am I missing something here?

He walked me to my car where we shared a very nice hug, and he gave me a very sweet and gentle kiss.

I'm getting a really bad vibe from this guy. I think he is turning the tables on you now because he wants to be in control and he knows he can have it because you're offering him your heart. Insisting you start "dating from scratch" is a form of control. And it's BS. You can't date someone from scratch that you've already dated for six months. Please let this one go.

March 29, 2013

Thank you all for the responses. I thought about it, and spent some with Charlie. I have decided to give us another chance, which I made sure he understands is the last chance. It's clear we both still have strong feelings for one another and we want to make a real go at it. He realizes that words aren't going to fix anything, and said that he is mostly "excited" to show me how he feels and how things are different now. This past week has been great. The time spent together feels different. He seems like a different person. And the communication is daily, and light and sweet, and everything it should be but wasn't before. It might actually be that he was not in a good place before, but is now. Seems that way at least.

What I need to do is get my thoughts in order. I am scared to death of being vulnerable. I'm scared of letting him in because I am tired of being let down (in general, not just by him). It's how it goes though, each new relationship is scary and a risk. I am sure what I am feeling is normal, heck, he's probably feeling it too. I'm just trying to take it easy and give it time. So far so good, so I should just be happy about that and look forward to more happy times. And just to be clear, these nervous thoughts are not affecting the way I am acting towards him, I am not holding back anything I want to do/say. It's just internal.

Fingers crossed.

April 1, 2013

I have decided to give us another chance, which I made sure he understands is the last chance.

That's exactly what you said last time you gave him a "last" chance.

Anyway I wish you well, and hope that I am wrong.

April 1, 2013

That's exactly what you said last time you gave him a "last" chance.

Anyway I wish you well, and hope that I am wrong.

I shouldn't have given him a second chance back then, there was nothing that had changed in the few weeks we had spent apart. That was an error on my part. But when it finally ended, I never thought we'd ever reconnect, I let go and I moved on. When a relationship isn't working, time apart is necessary. It's unlikely that even after some time that it can be rekindled, but sometimes it can be. I know several stories where people got back together after some time apart and it's worked for them. So, I guess my "calculated risk" is to give it a real shot with Charlie. I don't want to think "what if". I realize it might be a long shot, but I'm willing to assume that risk. I think he's worth it. I think the kind of relationship we can have is worth it.

I'm not assuming to know how this will turn out, but what I do know is that he is different. For now, I'm taking it on a day by day basis just as I would with someone new. As of right now, I feel great about it. He is relaxed and funny and loving. Being with him feels easy and stress free. He makes me smile. He took me to meet his family this past weekend, including a special trip to meet his grandmother. We're planning to have him meet my family soon. My two good friends recommend that I be "cautiously optimistic", but they're both supporting I give it this last chance. And, one of them will be meeting him this coming weekend, which I am looking forward to.

I'm trying to be aware and honest with myself, but also balancing being relaxed and present in each moment.

Edited April 1, 2013 by ScienceGal

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