ScienceGal Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) A year or so ago I dated someone for a few months. Let's call him Charlie. He left, due to not being ready for a relationship and because he was starting his own business. About six weeks into my last relationship, Charlie messaged me to say he had made a mistake, he wished he hadn't ended things. I didn't hold any hard feelings, so I explained that and told him I was seeing someone new. That was that. I have strong relationship boundaries, and so does Charlie. We didn't contact each other for months. After 6 months, we met up for drinks as friends (my bf at the time knew). He made it clear that he still had feelings, and I made it clear that I was still in a relationship. We went back to not contacting each other. That was 4 months ago. My relationship ended after the new year and my dad passed away two weeks later. Charlie reached out as soon as he heard about my dad. I thanked him but told him I needed space. I was a zombie for two solid weeks after losing my dad. Charlie still checked in couple times to let me know he was respecting my space, but was also thinking of me and hoped I was ok. I met him Charlie for a drink last week. We talked about life and he mentioned a date he went on. And, I knew he does OLD. It was great to see him and the energy was very good. I left wondering if he's still interested in me and wondered if we would ever try to date again. My girlfriend and I decided to create OLD accounts last night. We were browsing and talking about the potential matches. And then, there was Charlie! He had a profile (I did not look at it). I didn't think much of it. But, several hours later his profile was gone. I'm thinking he saw me and now I am either blocked somehow or he deleted his account. What do you all think? Edited March 4, 2013 by ScienceGal
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I've decided to not say anything. It's likely that he is still trying to give me space. If he is interested, I'm sure he'll say something or ask me out again soon. Do you think seeing me on a dating site encourage or discourage this?
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Possibly. It is hard to tell, but rather suspect. Eitherway you did good by not looking at his profile. If he did block you, that shows you all you ever needed to know about him.
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Thing is, I have no way of knowing if it was a block or if he deleted his profile. I would think each indicates something different. So, the options are to ask him or to say nothing and see what he does next. I just think it's strange that I know he is dating and yet he still hid.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Well then; either option isn't all that important either. You are only taking into account two options. But what if there is a third option?
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I can't think of a third option. Do you have something in mind?
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I do. The third option is to not care; to let it go and let it rest. Your focus should be finding a fitable partner, one that will not runaway on you, and later play coward. Whether he blocked or deleted you: you will not know. If you do not know for sure, you need to cast it out of your mind. Not let it eat you up. You have to be strong, and not care. To continue in your pursuit of happiness; to finding a better person than Charlie. He ran from you. He hide from you, or saw you, and got scared and ran again. That is not the man for you; your option too, is just that... Not caring. You are a full-grown woman. You have the power in you, to move on fully past these things. To not lying down, and slowly ebbing away over someone. It is an understandable question to ask: anyone would. It wasn't wrong to ask...I am happy you did. But you should take a new route, a better one, and not care.
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Well, that's pretty solid advice. My problem has always been that I care too much. My first thought when I realized his profile was gone, was feeling bad for him. I wondered if it hurt his feelings since he has maintained for an entire year that he cares for me and regrets leaving. Now, I'm on a dating site. Maybe before he thought he didn't have a chance because I was seeing someone. Now, he might think I just don't care for him like that. I am such a sap. I will try to shake it off and not care. I will definitely not reach out to him to ask about it. keep.moving.forward. sigh.
outsidethebox Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Don't know about other OLD's, but OKC has Hide which would prevent you from seeing him. But you have friend's account which could still see his profile unless he saw both and clicked Hide on both. (Pretty hard to do without clicking on your profile to click Hide. You would see that unless he has (inexpensive) premium membership that can browse without being seen. That's assuming he saw your profiles within hours of you creating them which is also not real easy imo. You should be able to tell if he deleted account or clicked Hide on yours with another account not readily recognizable as you. My guess is he possibly saw yours and deleted account because what he didn't want you to see his profile or possibly didn't want you to know he was active OLD and instead has interest in you or something like that, don't know.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 .... I am sorry. I can tell it hurts you. He left you. It should be him, reaching out to you. Not the otherway. I know it hurts you badly. I have walked that road too... But you just deserve so much more, then someone walking out of your life, like that. Moving forward, keep moving forward? That isn't the advice I should give you.... You are hurting, deep inside still, aren't you? Do not lie and hide it, as I can sense it through your typing....I am sorry for that advice...It is hard to hear it, but it is how life is. All over, all over people are desperate for something, ya know? And hurt of all kinds of things, somethings worse then you and I could ever know...Yet, they keep living and surviving...Some people say they shouldn't, but they do...If they can do it, we can do it, you can do it... It saddens me to see such a woman hurting...
curlygirl40 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I know with a lot of dating sites you can block people from contacting you but I don't know any sites where you can block a person from seeing your profile?? I suspect he took it down or 'hid' it from everyone. I'm sorry about your dad. The other thing I think you need to think about is that he had put his heart on the line a few times. Maybe he's afraid of rejection since he had put his cards on the table a few times, maybe he's thinking that you already know his feelings so if there's a time when you feel the same that it would be up to you to let him know?? Think if the situation was reversed. Would we be telling you 'you have already told him several times that you have feelings for him, he's free to make a move now so let him make a move'? I know he's the guy and some would expect that he would step up now if he's interested. But he did that already a few times and you both kept your boundaries in place, maybe he's figuring you already know and that the ball is firmly in your court? It's a thought. 1
Estate Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I've decided to not say anything. It's likely that he is still trying to give me space. If he is interested, I'm sure he'll say something or ask me out again soon. Do you think seeing me on a dating site encourage or discourage this? My honest opinion is that the ball is in your court if you want something to happen. It seems like he's made it very clear he was interested (for over a year?) even when you both had been meeting other people. He went out on a limb for you a lot and got turned down time after time. I mean, he knows your single now I guess so he *might* reach out but it's had to know. If it was me I might think that was the final nail... he saw you are single and only recently had still turned him down... time to give up, doesn't seem like you will ever be interested. Just trying to give a guys point of view. If he's anything like the guys on this board he'd probably hound you but he's already done that and got nowhere so at some point pride and common sense has to come into play and he needs to move on. So... the short story is... if you like the guy, let him know you're single, you got thinking about him and wondered if he'd like to go for drinks again. Edit: Don't read too much into him deleting/blocking the profile. To be honest I've tried OLD in the past and if I saw someone I knew I'd do the same. I'd just prefer they didn't see me online or check my profile... just privacy or maybe pride I guess. It was never that I had a problem with that person in real life. 2
RachR Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I'm with Estate on this. I think you should just forget about this OLD thing and just get the ball rolling that you're available and interested. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) I am thinking he is still interested. Yesterday (before all the OLD stuff) I asked him if he'd go to an event with me in a few weeks. He said yes. So, I guess I just lay low until then (?) These are the facts: 1) I care for him, I've always cared for him. But, I managed those feelings after he left and I met someone new. For an entire year though, he still wants back in (last confirmed in October). I have to give some attention to that. 2) I am still hurting, from losing my dad, and from failed relationships. It's all on my shoulders and I feel the weight. I'm in good spirits, but my heart does ache. I don't think I could take being hurt again so soon. I think I am too scared he'll leave again. What is the remedy for this? I suppose tell him my fears at some point. 3) I love love. So, I need to refrain from making up a fairy tale in my head where he will rescue me and the world will be good again. That nonsense will not solve my problems, and will not support my long term goals. I want a partner that will give me all I give them. Is that him? Maybe. How do I figure that out? Edited March 4, 2013 by ScienceGal
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Oh? I didn't know you and him where still even being social. That changes a lot...I think there might be a chance now. Go for it Sciencegirl, and do not stop. I am sure you and him can get back together; clearly, you and him still love each other...that is sweet. I abandon my previous statements..
outsidethebox Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I know with a lot of dating sites you can block people from contacting you but I don't know any sites where you can block a person from seeing your profile?? OKC has Hide which prevents both from seeing each other after clicking it. There is a list in Settings where you can and unHide the profile if you change your mind. (wouldn't change anything if both people had clicked Hide on each other for some reason.) Don't know about other OLD's.
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Oh? I didn't know you and him where still even being social. That changes a lot...I think there might be a chance now. Go for it Sciencegirl, and do not stop. I am sure you and him can get back together; clearly, you and him still love each other...that is sweet. I abandon my previous statements.. Ha! I was all walking away with my head sunk down after your previous comments. I am very impressionable in these moments you know!
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Ha! I was all walking away with my head sunk down after your previous comments. I am very impressionable in these moments you know! Sorry...I cannot get it right always... I just hope it works for your sake. You deserve happiness, and you should chase after it with all of your might. Head held up high. We do not always get chances, take these offers. You can only try and see. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 OKC has Hide which prevents both from seeing each other after clicking it. There is a list in Settings where you can and unHide the profile if you change your mind. (wouldn't change anything if both people had clicked Hide on each other for some reason.) Don't know about other OLD's. It is OKC. To hide me, he would've had to click on my profile first. He didn't. Unless he went "anonymous" before hiding me, which disables anyone from seeing you as a visitor, but also prevents you from seeing who has viewed your profile. At any rate, I am letting it go. Maybe it'll come up sometime, maybe not. I do not believe he hid/deleted for any shady reason.
outsidethebox Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) That is correct. Good luck. Hope it works out for you. P.S. If he saw your profile in Matches which is only way to know you were there if he could recognize pic from the Match listing he could click on Hide on the Match listing without visiting profile or having Anonymous capability. Most would be unsure and click on profile or not think of that, etc. Just providing info for completeness for anyone interested. Edited March 4, 2013 by outsidethebox 1
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Do I let it be and wait for the event we're going to in a few weeks? I think me inviting him definitely showed interest.
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 That is correct. Good luck. Hope it works out for you. P.S. If he saw your profile in Matches which is only way to know you were there if he could recognize pic from the Match listing he could click on Hide on the Match listing without visiting profile or having Anonymous capability. Most would be unsure and click on profile or not think of that, etc. Just providing info for completeness for anyone interested. oooooh.... didn't know that. Yeah, we were a pretty high match %!
serial muse Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 The other thing I think you need to think about is that he had put his heart on the line a few times. Maybe he's afraid of rejection since he had put his cards on the table a few times, maybe he's thinking that you already know his feelings so if there's a time when you feel the same that it would be up to you to let him know?? This was my reaction too. Maybe I'm missing something here, but it seemed pretty clear from your post that he told you how he felt, you told him to back off, and so he did? I can't tell what your real hesitation is here...it's hard to answer the question in your title because I can't really tell what it is you want from him. Are you waiting for him to tell you, again, that he's still interested? If so, why? Seems like he's doing the right thing by abiding by your wishes, as you last stated them... Anyway, I'd say the ball is pretty clearly in your court. If you do want to try again with him, I think it's pretty much up to you now. If not, might as well continue the status quo. I'm sorry about your dad too.
Author ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Thank you. Do I wait for the event in three weeks or reach out before then? I think I want to wait... for the reasons I listed above.
serial muse Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Thank you. Do I wait for the event in three weeks or reach out before then? I think I want to wait... for the reasons I listed above. I think if you want to wait, you should. You asked him for space about your dad, and it sounds like you still need it. No need to feel rushed just because you saw him on a dating site. I'm not sure I believe in "meant to be", but I do believe in timing. It wasn't the right time for you before, and you have legitimate concerns now. So why not continue to give yourself the time you need? If he's still available and you're still interested in a few weeks, you can take it from there. That said, if you decide in a few weeks that you are interested in trying again, I'd say you should tell him so, clearly. Otherwise, you're in danger of giving him a lot of mixed messages that won't serve either you or him. And be up front about your lingering concerns as well - if he wants to work it out with you, he must know he has that coming. Edited March 4, 2013 by serial muse 1
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