Hypocrisy

[Furious]

I didn't want to thread jack, so I decided to start my own thread.

 

I find it hypocritical that some cheaters can point fingers at others who in my opinion are doing something far less worse than being an active partner in deception.

 

Some OW have said they would not tolerate being lied to by their affair partner but at the same time think it's ok for the WS to lie to their spouse.

 

I know my cheating husband was a hypocrite, he has admitted that he would have been devastated if I had cheated on him.

 

I think cheaters are hypocrites and I'm looking for opinions as to to whether others agree or disagree.

[ComingInHot]

Furious,

I think anyone can be a hypocrite.

And my husband certainly was too!

In my whole glass half full world, I'd like to think that there are some, (few?) That, I. This case cheat, fess up and never look back. They will admit to being a liar & a cheat the do whatever it takes to make it right.

 

But I'm w/you on the fact that hypocracy (to me) is the least attractive quality in people.

 

To let others know... there have been times when I've been called out on being a hypocrite but I didn't see it.

I quickly adjusted myself*

[Furious]

Furious,

I think anyone can be a hypocrite.

And my husband certainly was too!

In my whole glass half full world, I'd like to think that there are some, (few?) That, I. This case cheat, fess up and never look back. They will admit to being a liar & a cheat the do whatever it takes to make it right.

 

But I'm w/you on the fact that hypocracy (to me) is the least attractive quality in people.

 

To let others know... there have been times when I've been called out on being a hypocrite but I didn't see it.

I quickly adjusted myself*

 

 

I agree that no one is perfect and that we all can be self aware as to our inconstancies.

 

It's one thing to own your hypocrisy and learn from it. It's another thing to being presently involved in hypocrisy and not own it too.

[stevie_23]

I suppose I’m a hypocrite too. I think I am in several ways actually.

 

• Even while I was in my A, I would never recommend being in one to anyone else. Too hard. Too damaging. Too painful. For everyone concerned. I also on a mental level never believed it was in any way an acceptable way to be, or an excusable choice to make. If you’re not happy in your relationship, you discuss it and make a decision. You don’t just move on to someone else while still keeping your existing partner there for comfort or fear reasons. Selfish reasons. And yet I was in an A for almost 2 years.
  

• I would NEVER have accepted my ex-MM cheating on ME, and yet our relationship’s very survival depended on him cheating on his wife. It’s amazing what love will do to your brain (or what you LET it do to your brain for selfish and self indulgent reasons). I pretty much had to look down on him (and myself) on one level because of our cheating behaviour, but because I could ONLY be with him if we both cheated, it was a requirement of the relationship. And why would I, a fairly intelligent woman, want to be in a relationship that requires both parties to behave so terribly and that requires them both to be the worst person they can be, pretty much.
  

Quite ridiculous, really.

[Furious]

I suppose I’m a hypocrite too. I think I am in several ways actually.

 

• Even while I was in my A, I would never recommend being in one to anyone else. Too hard. Too damaging. Too painful. For everyone concerned. I also on a mental level never believed it was in any way an acceptable way to be, or an excusable choice to make. If you’re not happy in your relationship, you discuss it and make a decision. You don’t just move on to someone else while still keeping your existing partner there for comfort or fear reasons. Selfish reasons. And yet I was in an A for almost 2 years.
  

• I would NEVER have accepted my ex-MM cheating on ME, and yet our relationship’s very survival depended on him cheating on his wife. It’s amazing
   
  what love will do to your brain (or what you LET it do to your brain for selfish and self indulgent reasons). I pretty much had to look down on him (and myself) on one level because of our cheating behaviour, but because I could ONLY be with him if we both cheated, it was a requirement of the relationship.
  And why would I, a fairly intelligent woman, want to be in a relationship that requires both parties to behave so terribly and that requires them both to be the worst person they can be, pretty much.
  

Quite ridiculous, really.

 

 

Stevie 23

 

 

Your introspection and honesty has literally floored me. I think you're so smart and it takes a lot of guts to admit to your own shortcomings instead of making excuses. There are those who make mistakes and then there are those who learn from their mistakes and become more authentic. I see that in you.

[stevie_23]

Oh wow, really? Thank you, Furious!

 

I try not to make excuses because especially to everyone here, who is more inclined to view situations fairly objectively, any excuses I made would just be so transparent and flimsy and so pretty pointless. What’s the point in lying to yourself anyway? I am self aware and introspective and I know my own self. Any excuses would just be (more) lies.

 

God, I HOPE I can learn from my mistakes. I’ve made so many. I feel like I’ve become totally tangled in a web of deceit and confusion and I don’t know what to do to extricate myself from it.

 

Thank you for your support.

[Spark1111]

truly hypocritical!

 

My H, who did not even see me during the affair, became hyper-vigilant, incredibly jealous and stalked me when I had thrown him out after the affair!

 

I tell OW all the time to carefully consider this. For many a MM, it has NOTHING to with the kids and the assets....

 

he keeps the affair secret because he COULD NEVER handle his wife doing exactly what he is doing....effing another.

 

manipulation and control and hypocrisy in the extreme.

[Furious]

truly hypocritical!

 

My H, who did not even see me during the affair, became hyper-vigilant, incredibly jealous and stalked me when I had thrown him out after the affair!

 

I tell OW all the time to carefully consider this. For many a MM, it has NOTHING to with the kids and the assets....

 

he keeps the affair secret because he COULD NEVER handle his wife doing exactly what he is doing....effing another.

 

manipulation and control and hypocrisy in the extreme.

 

Wow Spark, that must have turned you for a loop. Here you were giving your husband the green light to make his affair legitimate and out in the open but he was freaking out that you would be moving on without him and he became a stalker and jealous of another man going near you.

 

Hypocritical to the extreme!!!

 

Strange that my husband was similarly hypocritical.

 

I think your husband expected you to fall to your knees and beg him to stay with you, perhaps the ego boost from the OW had him convinced you didn't appreciate his greatness and it was a shock to his system that he was not that great.

[eleanorrigby]

truly hypocritical!

 

My H, who did not even see me during the affair, became hyper-vigilant, incredibly jealous and stalked me when I had thrown him out after the affair!

 

I tell OW all the time to carefully consider this. For many a MM, it has NOTHING to with the kids and the assets....

 

he keeps the affair secret because he COULD NEVER handle his wife doing exactly what he is doing....effing another.

 

manipulation and control and hypocrisy in the extreme.

 

Same thing happened to me!

[sweet_pea]

To me hypocrisy is BSs wondering why OW did not refrain from having the EMR out of empathy for them while clearly lacking empathy for the OW.

 

I don't believe a knowing OW deserves very much empathy, if any at all, but that's another thread for another day. Making silly, inflammatory comments like the one above to rub someone the wrong way is getting annoying.

 

Any who, I've always found it funny that the WS/OW sometimes believe that they're the victim in it all and quite hypocritical that if the shoe was on the other foot, they would leave the BS or not put up with the cheating or something to that effect.

[BetrayedH]

Oh wow, really? Thank you, Furious!

 

I try not to make excuses because especially to everyone here, who is more inclined to view situations fairly objectively, any excuses I made would just be so transparent and flimsy and so pretty pointless. What’s the point in lying to yourself anyway? I am self aware and introspective and I know my own self. Any excuses would just be (more) lies.

 

God, I HOPE I can learn from my mistakes. I’ve made so many. I feel like I’ve become totally tangled in a web of deceit and confusion and I don’t know what to do to extricate myself from it.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

Stevie, I see more hope in you with every post. I find it remarkable really, considering that not long ago you were (it seemed, least) at perfect ease with it all.

 

You seem to really value your partner. Even though your affair has ended, I wonder how difficult it must be to keep maintaining this deception. It must feel like a huge wall between you. I get the impression that you're unlikely to engage in another affair. Do you expect to remain with your partner for life? Does she expect the same? If so, do you really want the burden of taking this to the grave? That's an awfully long time to keep this wall up.

 

If you really want to end the hypocrisy, it's my hope that you find it within you to confess to your partner and that she finds it within her to forgive you. There are many reconciled BSs on this board. And while they may always wish that an affair was not part of their marital history, they have experienced improved marriages on so many other fronts that the reconciliation was worth the effort. Imagine how much closer you and your partner would truly be if you could weather that storm together and make it thru to the other side of it. Imagine being able to put the lies behind you and living a truly honest and authentic life with her. My hope is that you can be self-aware not only of your mistakes but to also be able to celebrate in your ability to acknowledge them, to apologize for them, and perhaps even try to make up for them. THAT is how you dig yourself out of this rabbit hole. And when you start doing that, your self-esteem and pride will return. Consistently make one decision after another of which you can be proud and next thing you know, you will be proud.

[Furious]

To me hypocrisy is BSs wondering why OW did not refrain from having the EMR out of empathy for them while clearly lacking empathy for the OW.

 

 

I wonder if you would feel the same if your MM had an OOW on the side.

 

Many OW would flip out if their affair partner cheated and lied to them, I consider it hypocritical that it's ok to cheat on the spouse but not on them.

[BetrayedH]

Understanding that you can be in a position where you love a man who is married and choose to have/continue a relationship with him because you love him. That that does not make you evil or a perpetrator but a woman in love.

 

I had no problem understanding this when I was the BS. The lack of empathy for this on this forum baffles me and the only thing I can think of is that it must be a cultural difference.

 

Trinity,

 

Did you not know that Neo was married already? What did you expect would happen? You knowingly put your hand in a fire and got burnt. It is we who are baffled.

 

As for empathy, I think there is a remarkable amount of empathy on these boards. In particular, I feel for those OW that did not know their MM was married. And I think many BSs here feel empathy for OW who suffered a tremendous amount of lies about a sexless marriage and suffered a bunch of future-faking. And those who express some remorse over hurting another innocent party, I think they receive a remarkable amount of support here.

 

But those that knowingly had no boundaries with a MM, put their hand in a fire, didn't (and don't) care about those that get hurt, are actively engaged in hurting others with no remorse - what can you expect? You chose your consequences and got them. The BS didn't choose to have this done to them. In fact, people went out of their way to lie and deceive them and hurt them. How csn you not feel empathy? There is a difference between the pain of a BS and the pain of an OW. One asked for it and the other didn't.

[Furious]

I don't think it is okay to be unfaithful to the person you are having a relationship with, whether it is your spouse or your AP. I can intellectually understand why someone would have an EMR while continuing to be married but it is not something I support. Neo is now finally in therapy dealing with this, something I have been asking for for a long time. It is not okay in my world to have two women (or two men for that matter), but it is not within my power to control how others live their lives.

 

You're being hypocritical to say you don't support cheating but here you are.

[ComingInHot]

Trin,

So you DON'T support infidelity, yet you fully support enabling it?

 

To me, that is Hypocracy at its finest.

[SmokeRat]

'Head 'splodes'

 

1). You're having an affair.

2). With a married man.

3). Who has a wife.

4). While you are married.

 

One of these is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong......

Edited March 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SmokeRat]

Common law, formal marriage, all all forms of marriage.

 

An affair is an affair. It hurts all the same, whether you are married, dating, common law, or what have you.

[dreamingoftigers]

But you do support it... by being in an affair with a MM... I don't see how you don't support it... it is funny how some people really don't even know where they stand ...

 

It's like picketing a funeral with the Westboro Baptist Church and saying, "I'm just holding this sign for a friend. I don't actually fully agree with it."

[cocorico]

I didn't want to thread jack, so I decided to start my own thread.

 

I find it hypocritical that some cheaters can point fingers at others who in my opinion are doing something far less worse than being an active partner in deception.

 

Some OW have said they would not tolerate being lied to by their affair partner but at the same time think it's ok for the WS to lie to their spouse.

 

I know my cheating husband was a hypocrite, he has admitted that he would have been devastated if I had cheated on him.

 

I think cheaters are hypocrites and I'm looking for opinions as to to whether others agree or disagree.

 

I think my H's xW was certainly a hypocrite! She celebrated her infidelity, encouraged her friends to be unfaithful to their partners and actively helped them to lie and deceive their partners while she still smiled at and pretended to be a friend to their partners, had very outspoken views against sexual fidelity... But then portrayed my H as the devil incarnate for daring to do the same thing she celebrated in herself and others, to her! Oh, the infamy! How dare anyone hold her to the same standards she was willing to inflict on others! How dare anyone consider her worthy of receiving what she was so willing to dish out! How dare anyone take her at her word, and expect to hold her to it...

[SmokeRat]

I'd rather live with the knowledge of injustices against me, and all the bitterness and pain that comes along with that knowledge, than live another day having a bag pulled over my head. I refuse to live a life of ignorance now that I know.

 

Please explain, how we as BS's should approach having been lied to, cheated on and generally treated like second class citizens in our own marriage.

 

Explain to us, how we shouldn't have negative and abusing views of infidelity, and those who commit it against us?

[Snowflower]

You're welcome. I'm actually very concerned for the majority of the BS posters on LS. From my point of view your approach to having been exposed to infidelity looks very unhealthy. It's like the alcoholics' wives who continue to be focused on their husbands' alcoholism rather than making personal progress in their own lives and thereby contributing to a healthy relationship.

 

Actually it's worse. It's like not only focusing on their husbands' alcoholism but also the store who legally sells the alcohol and wanting them to stop supplying it.

 

Sort of like some of the OW posters who continually focus on the shortcomings of the MM's wife instead of focusing on their own wonderful relationship with the MM.

 

It is the same thing really and I agree that it is very unhealthy.

[96nole]

 

You can call it hypocrisy all you want. You should see by now that my value system is different than yours. I am from another country, another culture. There is more than one way to look at these things. The world is a large place. So what may be hypocrisy to you, may be following my value system to me.

Nope, sorry, don't try to hide behind being from a different country. Explain to me which culture openly embraces the hypocrisy of not supporting being unfaithful while being unfaithful. There aren't different ways of looking at it. Stop trying to look down on us while you are on your self appointed perch. It makes you look even worse.

[sweet_pea]

Trinity,

 

What country or culture do you live in/participate in that is so different from ours? I should hope there is no issue with sharing at least that so that us BS' can understand where you are coming from.

[dreamingoftigers]

You do realize that if Neo had sex with his wife he would be unfaithful to me. We have an agreement of sexual exclusivity.

 

He did sleep with his wife and you found out though.

[SmokeRat]

I beg to differ.

 

Someone used the 'gun' scenario.

 

You sell guy A a gun, guy A shoots guy B. Pretty sure you can be held legally accountable by LAW, for selling a firearm to a person. Depending on circumstances of course.