Feeling inferior - no long term relationship experience at 28

[Scarlett5]

I'm feeling so fragile at the moment....this is becoming a growing issue for me and almost consuming my thoughts.

 

I'm soon to turn 28 and have never had a long term relationship. I've had casual ones, but that was really in my early 20s when that kind of thing suited me. I've always loved my independence and have always spent my time with friends and focusing on my career.

 

In more recent years though my feelings have changed. It's painful to see everyone around me happily coupled up, going on romantic holidays, weekends away and just always having someone there for them. It just doesn't happen that way for me...it seems that when I date guys I'm usually not that into the ones who are very into me...I don't always have specific reasons, sometimes the feelings just aren't there. And if I'm ever really into a guy, there's always timing issues, or he's not as into me, etc.

 

I feel so inferior to people who can make relationships work and I feel incapable of ever making someone happy. I feel totally useless and like I have no purpose - although I believe we should all feel confident and happy being on our own and not just in a relationship, I think the fact that I've never had one has lead me to feeling like this. Which I think is ridiculous because I have so much else going for me.

 

To make it worse, some people make me feel like I have two heads and the majority say they are shocked that someone who looks like me and has so much going for them never has a boyfriend. This makes me feel so much worse, like, there reaaally must be something horribly wrong then if people are so surprised. I feel like an outsider emotionally and I constantly dread situations where I could be asked, 'so, why are you single' - I've gone way past answering that question and now I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel so hurt. I don't know how much more dating I can take, and yet I don't know how much more singledom I can take. Trying to get on with things and focus on other areas of my life just isn't cutting it anymore

[ptp]

First of all there is no need to feel inferior only because you aren't in LTR.

 

Secondly, what can you really do about it? Nobody can manufacture a relationship out of thin air. Be thankful that you do date a lot as some people can't even get that. Keep chugging along and hopefully someone can grab your attention.

 

Also, maybe think about what you truly find important in a guy and a relationship. Sometimes we spend too much time looking for little things that ultimately don't end up mattering a whole lot.

[DreamFinder]

I feel so inferior to people who can make relationships work and I feel incapable of ever making someone happy. I feel totally useless and like I have no purpose - although I believe we should all feel confident and happy being on our own and not just in a relationship, I think the fact that I've never had one has lead me to feeling like this. Which I think is ridiculous because I have so much else going for me.

 

To make it worse, some people make me feel like I have two heads and the majority say they are shocked that someone who looks like me and has so much going for them never has a boyfriend. This makes me feel so much worse, like, there reaaally must be something horribly wrong then if people are so surprised. I feel like an outsider emotionally and I constantly dread situations where I could be asked, 'so, why are you single' - I've gone way past answering that question and now I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel so hurt. I don't know how much more dating I can take, and yet I don't know how much more singledom I can take. Trying to get on with things and focus on other areas of my life just isn't cutting it anymore

 

You're allowing others to define you. I know it's not always easy but you must realize that they don't know your situation. If they choose to assume, judge, misinterpret, or treat you as if you are some freak then they are not worth your time. Everyone has a story. Everyone has baggage in their own way. A lot of people rush in with preconceived notions on why they think someone is the way they are. That can be not only inaccurate but also demeaning and negative. You need to surround yourself with positive people who listen, understand, empathize yet don't treat you like some kind of freak of nature, which you're absolutely NOT! And when you find the right guy you will be able to determine if he is worth it or not.

 

You haven't had a boyfriend not because of your shortcomings or flaws but because you just haven't found the right man yet. That's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Think of how many people just settle for anyone and then they move on to the next person, and the next person, and the next person, and are never happy. Believe in yourself and be confident, believe in the fact that you have a LOT to offer to someone and a guy would be very lucky to have you and all the great qualities you possess.

[trevzilla]

Hmm, I read "Marry Him: Settling for Mr. Good Enough" just to see what was going on with the opposite sex. The author had some coaching and broke down some patterns that she had when it came to the type of guy she always went for. Maybe you need to try something different? It's a great read, give it a try. Me I'm a man who's been single for almost 5 years and my ex wife cheated on me for 3 years. I'm feeling pretty low too. I can't even get a casual relationship. I know it's not comforting to say that, and you want something meaningful, but at least someone wants you, even if it's not the kind of relationship you want. I've been going home to an empty apartment for 5 years and waking up in my Queen bed alone for years, which can be a real drag. Good luck and I hope you get what you are looking for. And a lot of LTRs are dreadful so at least you haven't gone through that.

[Els]

I'm in a LTR, and I really don't think I'm superior to people who aren't. Why would you feel inferior? Yes, it means that you lack LTR experience, but we all lack experience, just in different aspects. I've never climbed a mountain, or had a casual sex encounter, or gone skydiving. I'm sure lots of other people have never done some of the things you have.

[Scarlett5]

Thanks DreamFinder for your great advice and encouragement you have practically the same opinions as me...I guess when it's yourself though you need to hear it from someone else. And thank you everyone for replying.

 

I guess the inferiority comes from years of feeling the pressures of society...that generally is of the opinion that people should be coupled up, and if not, then why not. And within myself, I look at people who are able to have relationships and fulfil someone else's emotional needs to the extent that it then becomes long term. I guess I just don't feel 'able' and so it makes me feel inferior in many ways.

 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change who I am for a second, and I appreciate the fact that I seem to be much more independent, ambitious and free spirited. But the whole relationship thing and lack of intimacy just gets me down

[DreamFinder]

Thanks DreamFinder for your great advice and encouragement you have practically the same opinions as me...I guess when it's yourself though you need to hear it from someone else. And thank you everyone for replying.

 

I guess the inferiority comes from years of feeling the pressures of society...that generally is of the opinion that people should be coupled up, and if not, then why not. And within myself, I look at people who are able to have relationships and fulfil someone else's emotional needs to the extent that it then becomes long term. I guess I just don't feel 'able' and so it makes me feel inferior in many ways.

 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change who I am for a second, and I appreciate the fact that I seem to be much more independent, ambitious and free spirited. But the whole relationship thing and lack of intimacy just gets me down

 

You're so welcome! Don't worry, like that old saying goes: It will happen when it happens. Continue doing what you're doing and also go out with friends, mingle a bit, date around and I'm confident you'll find a man who will appreciate you, respect you, and adore you. There's someone out there for everyone and you just haven't met him yet. You'll get there. I promise.

 

And yes, hearing it from someone else or others, like on this site, is very, very helpful! Think of it as a soundboard. We all support you and know you'll be fine!

[TheGuard13]

Don't feel inferior to people just because they're in long term relationships.

 

A lot of them aren't happy, and are forcing themselves to be in their relationship because they think they're supposed to.

 

Do what you need to do to make yourself happy and fulfilled. The rest will take care of itself, it seems.

[DreamFinder]

Yes, I believe a LOT of people are so afraid to be alone so they feel that they have to be with someone, anyone to be happy. Beware of those types!

[Seductive]

Women get a lot of pressure on society, and only we can throw it back on them.

 

IMHO, I don't see the point in jumping from relationship to relationship. It's good that you're allowing space for the right partner to show up. I also get the "Why is a pretty and nice girl like you still single?" question, but it's because some of us don't feel the need to just latch on to any joe or jill.

 

The stats say half of those relationships you see will end in divorce anyway.