mortensorchid Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Why? Because they're GUYS, that's why. They don't think with their brains, they think with the other thing. Doesn't matter how old they are or what they are about, they just do. What to do? Not much unfortunately, but wait for them to mature somewhat. And it doesn't happen until about age 30.
mesmerized Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 You probably can't do much about men only wanting you for sex but you can do something about them touching you. Men are often scared of me to make a physical move unless I very obviously give them the green light. I'm not exactly sure what it is about me but I think my behavior just shows I'm not comfortable with that.
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 You probably can't do much about men only wanting you for sex but you can do something about them touching you. Men are often scared of me to make a physical move unless I very obviously give them the green light. I'm not exactly sure what it is about me but I think my behavior just shows I'm not comfortable with that. perhaps think a bit harder for me? haha. I want to be able to give them a green light like that, instead being in a situation where I tell them I am interested but not being touched like that, which makes guys feel rejected.. and makes me feel uncomfortable.
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 You aren't doing anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with those guys either. You're just a bit immature and looking for the 'wrong things' in relationships that's all. Can't expect every guy to come on just the way you want him to, or for every relationship to work out, for every approach to go your way. That's just life. I went out with 19 girls before I found one that I wanted to see more than once and my standards are quite literally not-fat, not-mean, not-crazy. What can I say, dating's a PITA but we keep trying like fools... Wait, I'm having trouble understanding this: "I" am the immature one, wanting "wrong" things? As in, asking for some getting-to-know you time + not having sex before being in a relationship is immature and wrong? I'd love to hear more explanation as it sounds completely new to me?
outsidethebox Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I think he meant that being taken aback that guys act like that is inexperienced. Immature was harsh and not true.
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 It's not a question of being outdated. It's a question of asserting your boundaries. If your date crosses a line you're not comfortable with, it's your job to say so. They can't guess that you think it's too soon for that kind of sexual innuendo. What I'm curious about is why you think the men behaving this way are only interested in sex. Oh it's not JUST that. It's in combination with other things.. like he wouldn't text/call for a few days but to set up an appointment, and wouldn't respect my opinion?
carhill Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 And the bigger problem is, not just those horny guys but even those ones about to get married, or been in relationships/marriage for a long time, do touch me too, albeit different in degrees! Why? Could it be something I do or say? Noting that otherwise committed men apparently engage in inappropriate behaviors, I'll opine that, in total, you're giving off an aura of vulnerability and 'openness' that men zero in on. What I've noticed, having known some women for decades, and having experienced their aura change when 'on the prowl' (these are MW's), is that their 'aura' changes. They 'smell' different and men pick up on it. They smell like sex. Sorry to be blunt about that. In your case, such may not be something you consciously wish to do but perhaps there are aspects of your 'presence' which you have not yet gained full mastery of. Another poster mentioned 'I'm not exactly sure what it is about me but I think my behavior just shows I'm not comfortable with that.' and that perspective and intrinsic feeling evidently reflects in her aura. Perhaps that is something to examine. Good luck.
iKING Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Wait, I'm having trouble understanding this: "I" am the immature one, wanting "wrong" things? As in, asking for some getting-to-know you time + not having sex before being in a relationship is immature and wrong? I'd love to hear more explanation as it sounds completely new to me? I'd think it was the opposite, but people are entitled to their opinions. Perhaps it just came out differently then what was intended. Your morals are perfectly reasonable, but we live in an immoral society compared to the older modest predecessors. Standards have mostly been thrown out the window. It's a tad bothersome, but not much can be done really. I'm not saying puritans have the answer, but people should at least have a little class and respect.
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 OP, your comment: "Orr... because I am non-White and due to racial/ethinic misconceptions that my people are easy and subordinate? (could it be?)" makes me think you are sensitive to this and think you might not be respected due to be non-white (I assume we're talking about dating whites rather than whatever racial/ethnic difference you are). Also I didn't know there was a no touching on a second date. Holy cow. What is it supposed to be, a literature discussion? Personally I think your culture may be more reserved than others. However, I do agree that someone telling you about a three date rule for sex after you said you don't want to have sex until you're in a relationship is someone to cut date short in a more polite way that he's acting (which won't take much) and scratch the guy off your list. So, yes, long answer short, you are describing being hit up for sex on a date, I assure you the same guys hit on everyone. It's not your racial/ethnicity. It's the guys. Haha definitely not a literature discussion. But don't you think touching someone's body all over and talking about sex is a bit too soon on the second date? You barely know the person at that point. I mean if you were really interested in that girl (in a serious way), you wouldn't rush or have come on so strong, would you? 1
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Noting that otherwise committed men apparently engage in inappropriate behaviors, I'll opine that, in total, you're giving off an aura of vulnerability and 'openness' that men zero in on. What I've noticed, having known some women for decades, and having experienced their aura change when 'on the prowl' (these are MW's), is that their 'aura' changes. They 'smell' different and men pick up on it. They smell like sex. Sorry to be blunt about that. In your case, such may not be something you consciously wish to do but perhaps there are aspects of your 'presence' which you have not yet gained full mastery of. Another poster mentioned 'I'm not exactly sure what it is about me but I think my behavior just shows I'm not comfortable with that.' and that perspective and intrinsic feeling evidently reflects in her aura. Perhaps that is something to examine. Good luck. So it is not about a specific acts or words but more of "aura" thing? Although I am not on the prowl, I am single and am honestly looking for a relationship just like any other single women out there! So as a guy, what do you suggest a girl in my situation do? Just act like I am dating someone?
carhill Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 So as a guy, what do you suggest a girl in my situation do? Just act like I am dating someone?My best advice would be to consult with some trusted female advisors. IME, most women have gone through this (and I've heard the stories for decades) and most I've known have worked out a balance of sexual 'aura' versus implied boundaries which works for them. Perhaps such women can suggest things for you to try and then see what happens. People you know and trust in real life have the advantage (over us) of experiencing the 'total' you. My read is, if you're petite, engaging, open and friendly, most men will be naturally attracted to you sexually. While apparently frustrating right now, that's really good news, in that it provides you with a wide range of potentials to choose from for a mate. The work is filtering and learning the skills to manage that 'fame'. Like Julia Roberts once opined in a movie, 'You know it's not real, the fame. Someday I'll be a middle-aged woman who some people thought was beautiful once upon a time'. Figure it out and enjoy it, and your youth. Good luck. 1
outsidethebox Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Haha definitely not a literature discussion. But don't you think touching someone's body all over and talking about sex is a bit too soon on the second date? You barely know the person at that point. I mean if you were really interested in that girl (in a serious way), you wouldn't rush or have come on so strong, would you? Yes, you're describing just being hit up for sex. If they didn't act like that first date and went into that in second date then I guess they're Jeckyll and Hyde material. Quick response to someone doing that and telling you there's a three date sex rule is "don't worry about it, there won't be a third date". Uncomfortable? Tough. Date should be ending about then anyway. 1
Sivok Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Haha definitely not a literature discussion. But don't you think touching someone's body all over and talking about sex is a bit too soon on the second date? You barely know the person at that point. I mean if you were really interested in that girl (in a serious way), you wouldn't rush or have come on so strong, would you?It's really not. My friends and I are in the mid/late 20s. These days, sex or atleast heavy makeout sessions happen within the 2nd or 3rd date. Also, many women won't even go out on a 2nd date if she doesn't feel a degree of sexual tension between you two - this is coming from personal experience. Bringing up something sexual on the first date - even slightly - is an extremely normal ritual for guys these days even if their intentions are for a longterm relationship. Yeah, this makes things tougher for girls to determine what exactly a guy is looking for in the long run but coming from a guy's perspective (and from my own personal experience) - if there isn't a degree of sexual tension and flirtations by atleast the 2nd date (or first date if you guys are out for more than 2 hours), then kiss your chance of getting another date goodbye. I can't count the number of times a few years back where I'd go out on a first date with a girl, have awesome conversation, but wouldn't get a 2nd date. 'You're a really nice guy BUT I didn't feel the chemistry was there'. Once I started focusing on building some sexual tension, 2nd dates became MUCH more frequent. It's how the dating culture is working these days - and it's not only the fault of guys. With the number of dates people are having now with internet dating absolutely booming, if things dont happen quick - onto the next one. Welcome to the new dating culture.
tk-421 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 It's really not. My friends and I are in the mid/late 20s. These days, sex or atleast heavy makeout sessions happen within the 2nd or 3rd date. Also, many women won't even go out on a 2nd date if she doesn't feel a degree of sexual tension between you two - this is coming from personal experience. Bringing up something sexual on the first date - even slightly - is an extremely normal ritual for guys these days even if their intentions are for a longterm relationship. Yeah, this makes things tougher for girls to determine what exactly a guy is looking for in the long run but coming from a guy's perspective (and from my own personal experience) - if there isn't a degree of sexual tension and flirtations by atleast the 2nd date (or first date if you guys are out for more than 2 hours), then kiss your chance of getting another date goodbye. I hate to admit that I sort of agree with this. To the OP, I get that you're uncomfortable being touched like that on the second date. I'd be uncomfortable touching someone like that on the second date, but I also get that you need to establish that tension somehow. I haven't figured it out. I'm not very good at this stuff. I wouldn't think about having sex on the third date, I don't care what the "rules" are. Scratch that, I may think about sex, but not think about actually having sex. 2
mesmerized Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 perhaps think a bit harder for me? haha. I want to be able to give them a green light like that, instead being in a situation where I tell them I am interested but not being touched like that, which makes guys feel rejected.. and makes me feel uncomfortable. Be a bit distant physically. Don't flirt back with the same intensity when they flirt. I don't know what to tell you girl, it's all body language, you have to make your boundaries clear. I know how to do it but it's hard to explain to someone else. 1
salparadise Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Other responses have hinted at this... The entire basis of attraction between the genders is sexual. The reason women make an effort to look good (dress nice, makeup, hair, etc.) is to attract male attention, which is fundamentally sexual interest. There is an old axiom that men want sex and are willing to offer a relationship to get it, while women want the relationship and use sex as the enticement. I think that's mostly true, although not universally true. So just be thankful that you are able to generate plenty of interest; it would be a lot more troublesome if you were writing to say that men show no sexual interest in you. In this whole dating-dance, procreation is the ultimate objective. It sounds like your currency is considered valuable. Now, with regard to the type of approaches you find yourself fielding... everyone gives off some sort of vibe or aura. What you transmit is not always voluntary, or what you intend. I suspect that yours is a vibe of availability and vulnerability, which combined with physical attractiveness give guys both the motivation and instinctual feeling of likely success to make a direct approach rather than feigning interest in getting to know you before making their move. So perhaps you need to try and get more in tune with the body language, eye contact etc., because in spite of a vibe being involuntary, it is either expressed or confirmed through body language and that you can learn to control. I think you should consider yourself fortunate to have such a problem because it means you will have lots of options open to you. You just need to learnt to make very subtle adjustments in non-verbal communication, and to learn how to direct this communication either toward or away from specific individuals. So basically you're going to be trying to send your signals right past the most aggressive type to connect with the more reserved guys and give them the encouragement they need to make an approach. I'd bet this has a lot to do with controlling eye contact in your case, but I'm just guessing. 2
FitChick Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Since you really, really want a relationship, you might be giving off an air of wanting approval that guys assume they can take advantage of. 2
Sanitarium Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Other responses have hinted at this... The entire basis of attraction between the genders is sexual. The reason women make an effort to look good (dress nice, makeup, hair, etc.) is to attract male attention, which is fundamentally sexual interest. There is an old axiom that men want sex and are willing to offer a relationship to get it, while women want the relationship and use sex as the enticement.. No, just no. That's absurd, coming from a man
soccerrprp Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I've said this in other posts, but I talk about sex early on and have it, but I'm also looking for LTR. A few times even before meeting the lady. I'm too tired and definite about what I want to play games and not talk about what is essential in any relationship and what both parties are very much interested in anyway. If I don't see that there will be sexual compatibility, I don't pursue it (usually). I always gauge to see how much touching, physical closeness my date will allow. Frankly, gauging is not the word, I find out by verbalizing. I ask if I can kiss, hug...from there I get a pretty good sense how far I can "touch" her. I have never been slapped, scolded, or down-right rejected by this upfront, open approach. Again, perhaps it's because the women I date are much more mature (40-something) about their sexuality or I have been fortunate, but that's been my experience. Shoot, people are fooling themselves if sexual attractions isn't one of, if not the first thing, that people "feel" when first meeting. I don't pretend, I just rather talk, openly and honestly about it.
Author maestrok Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I think if you want to meet people who are not just into sex you should begin for changing the places where you move... Most men you will find in bars and club are there for the "hunt" and they will assume you are there for the same... If you want to find guys who will not approach you just for the sex I would advise you to look for some hobbies where you can socialize as well (cooking lessons, mixed team sports, hiking clubs, etc)... You will be more likely to find people who first have already a common interest with you (the hobby you have chosen) and that probably will not assume you are looking for easy sex... Oh no, just to clarify, I never meet men from bars or clubs. I only go to bars for a date, like when I actually have a date accompanying me for a drink.
Treasa Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Set firm boundaries and stick with them. I've never had a man get away with any of those things with me. 1
RedRobin Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. Makes it tough to enjoy dating when faced with this kind of behavior on a regular basis. I promise it isn't you, though. There are things you can do to bring a quick stop to it though, that are respectful and won't bring about hostility. A few suggestions if you feel uncomfortable... - Calmly get up and excuse yourself to go use the bathroom. Wait a good few minutes before returning. Sufficient time to short circuit progression without obliging you to have an uncomfortable discussion or confront him. Confrontations (no matter how polite) don't tend to go over well with these types. When you return, end the date. - make sure you drive yourself to all early dates. - Don't engage in sexual chit-chat in early discussions, especially pre-date discussions. If he insists on pushing the discussion that way, don't agree to go on a date with him. These are guys who will continue to try and push boundaries and will not be respectful. Don't waste your time with them. It's not you. It's them. - 1
Hopeful30 Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 i have a friend like this also i think its because they dont see you as long term material or relationship material, but they still find you attractive in my friends case, she is very bitchy and needy and clingy, but she is really pretty. i guess when guys get to know her they change their mind about relationship but still find her attractive i'm not saying this is the case with you, just giving an example. maybe because you are so friendly and open they assume you are easy, or maybe they dont think YOU want anything in terms of relationship but because you are friendly they give sex a go
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