maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I have been thinking about this for a long time and I really can't find an answer to it. So I really need a guy's perspective on the issue. Most guys, if not all, start touching me or make blatant sexual advances from Day 1. I have no idea what the problem is! And I think this, whatever "impression" I give out, drives away "decent" guys who want actual relationship, which is what I want as well. And the bigger problem is, not just those horny guys but even those ones about to get married, or been in relationships/marriage for a long time, do touch me too, albeit different in degrees! Why? Could it be something I do or say? Here are some facts I thought are relevant in evaluating the situation but please feel free to add on anything, I would extremely appreciate any thoughts, Thanks! I don't wear anything revealing (but I do dress up well).I smile/laugh easily (i.e., good listener)I make eye contacts when conversing.I exercise regularly so I have a fit body (but there are many girls out there like that so why just me?)Orr... because I am non-White and due to racial/ethinic misconceptions that my people are easy and subordinate? (could it be?)
Seductive Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 No, it has nothing to do with you. I asked one of my close guy friends this. They said that some guys are just so desperate and are hoping to that a pretty girl will say yes. You just have to ignore them and walk away. If they start touching you, tell them to stop, walk away or plan to never see them again. 2
tk-421 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Could be you are more attracitve/sexier than you imagine and tend to pull in the most shallow guys. Maybe the nicer guys are just too intimidated. Just an option I'm throwing out there. I'm not good at this stuff or I wouldn't be seeking advice out on the internet either.
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Could be you are more attracitve/sexier than you imagine and tend to pull in the most shallow guys. Maybe the nicer guys are just too intimidated. Just an option I'm throwing out there. I'm not good at this stuff or I wouldn't be seeking advice out on the internet either. Should I dress down? How else would those nice guys be less intimidated?
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 If you aren't selective in which men you communicate with then it will give the impression to men you are easy and certain men will avoid you while others will see if they can break off a piece. Do you mind elaborating on being "selective" in communicating? Like... I'm at a big party, and a shallow guy approaches, I should find away to leave after a small talk?
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Do the approaching. Put your focus only on them. Well, I do initiate.. and guess what. "Good" guys are even more intimidated, calling me aggressive. Urgh.
tk-421 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Do the approaching. Put your focus only on them. This sounds good to me. I might still be intimidated if an attractive young girl I just met started chatting me up, but I'd damn well hang in there as best I could and see if she was genuinely interested or just playing a game with me.
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 You shouldn't be entertaining a shallow guy in the first place. Well how do you know a guy's shallow before you talk to him though?
tk-421 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Well how do you know a guy's shallow before you talk to him though? You don't. Trial and error. If the conversation heads south and he's not the right kind of guy for you, bail out and try again. 1
iKING Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Well how do you know a guy's shallow before you talk to him though? Mind reading abilities.
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 This sounds good to me. I might still be intimidated if an attractive young girl I just met started chatting me up, but I'd damn well hang in there as best I could and see if she was genuinely interested or just playing a game with me. In this situation, what would your reaction be? Like, would you feign disinteret but merely maintain conversation? or would you also try to come up with topics if there is that awkward silence? And would you ask the girl her number? If you didn't and she asks for your number, would you be even more taken aback?
iKING Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 In this situation, what would your reaction be? Like, would you feign disinteret but merely maintain conversation? or would you also try to come up with topics if there is that awkward silence? And would you ask the girl her number? If you didn't and she asks for your number, would you be even more taken aback? No, yes, maybe, no. There really isn't a science to all this, It's more trial and error. You're doing everything right based on what you've been posting, It's likely just going to take time before you meet the right one. Such is life.
tk-421 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 In this situation, what would your reaction be? Like, would you feign disinteret but merely maintain conversation? or would you also try to come up with topics if there is that awkward silence? And would you ask the girl her number? If you didn't and she asks for your number, would you be even more taken aback? Me personally, I would be quite flattered if she asked for my number. And if I was just meeting her, I might be too intimidated to ask for hers, but that's my problem because I'm shy and chicken****. I'd definitely try to hold that conversation as best I could, some days I am more on top of my game than others. What's holding you back? Go out there and make it happen! Maybe I'll take some of my own advice one of these days
Geiss Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Would you rather guys not be interested in you? I swear the problems women have I would love to have myself. If you don't want them touching you then tell them to stop touching you or tell them to shut up if they are making you feel uncomfortable. Send them on their way if you don't like it. Are you touching them as well? If you are then don't be surprised if he touches you back. Just tell them you are waiting for marriage. Then you'll see who really wants to get to know you.
dichotomy Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 From what you say - you are friendly, smile, open, easy to talk to, laugh, an in shape, etc. How often have you seen a normal or even no so normal looking guy who has a way with women becasue of his attitude and approachability? Think Bill Clinton... I read a study once, they placed a gorgeous model dressed up at a bar, but told her to be cool (avoid eye contact, no smiling). At the other side the placed a average looking female, in plain clothes, who was very open and friendly. So who do you think got hit on all night ? 2
iKING Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 From what you say - you are friendly, smile, open, easy to talk to, laugh, an in shape, etc. How often have you seen a normal or even no so normal looking guy who has a way with women becasue of his attitude and approachability? Think Bill Clinton... I read a study once, they placed a gorgeous model dressed up at a bar, but told her to be cool (avoid eye contact, no smiling). At the other side the placed a average looking female, in plain clothes, who was very open and friendly. So who do you think got hit on all night ? The average girl.
Kamille Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I think it's part of 2013 dating culture. To me it feels like sany have read the "how to not get friendzoned" bible and I'm pretty sure it must say, somewhere in there, show sexual interest early on. This is drastically different from what the scene was when I started dating in the 90s. I'm now 20 years older, pretty much the same in terms of attraction (well okay, maybe I'm friendlier), and yet men generally show sexual interest really quickly. The way I see it is this: I'm not convinced showing sexual interest should immediately disqualify the guy as having dating potential. Granted, I've been in loving relationships and trust that I can probably tell the difference between someone who only wants sex and someone who's attracted by all of me. The best I can do is let them know I'm not interested in a purely sexual relationship. So far, it's meant the ones only interested in sex excuse themselves and those who want more make more of an effort to get to know me.
somedude81 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Relax, it's not just you. This is just how things are. Don't be offended, don't over analyze, and, above all, don't let it go to your head. Accept it for what it is. Males, of all mammalian species, are biologically wired to go after virtually any reasonably "healthy" female. With humans, that just means a female who isn't blatantly repugnant in some way (either physically or behaviourally). You don't need to be a goddess, just not scary, intimidating (this one is one that often puts really gorgeous women out of the running), or mean. Chances are you're just a cute girl who seems approachable. Don't make too much of it. I'm going to agree with monicaelise. It seems that you are just overreacting. As a young attractive woman you are going to get a lot of attention. The key is how you respond to it. Also, what is wrong with a guy touching you? Are the touches lingering or in an inappropriate area? When it comes to the "decent guys" they may be more reserved or even a bit awkward. Are you making an effort to notice those guys or only focusing on the guys who are pushing for early sex?
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 I'm going to agree with monicaelise. It seems that you are just overreacting. As a young attractive woman you are going to get a lot of attention. The key is how you respond to it. Also, what is wrong with a guy touching you? Are the touches lingering or in an inappropriate area? When it comes to the "decent guys" they may be more reserved or even a bit awkward. Are you making an effort to notice those guys or only focusing on the guys who are pushing for early sex? Like... rubbing my legs and waist at a bar? I think that's pretty inapproporiate especially on the first/second date? Am I just being outdated? I do want to get to know guys who are more reserved but first, they don't give look at me or approach me, second, if I approach to talk, they make a small talk and leave? So I feel like they prejudge me as "easy" and think I am not the type of girl they want?
Author maestrok Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 I think it's part of 2013 dating culture. To me it feels like sany have read the "how to not get friendzoned" bible and I'm pretty sure it must say, somewhere in there, show sexual interest early on. This is drastically different from what the scene was when I started dating in the 90s. I'm now 20 years older, pretty much the same in terms of attraction (well okay, maybe I'm friendlier), and yet men generally show sexual interest really quickly. The way I see it is this: I'm not convinced showing sexual interest should immediately disqualify the guy as having dating potential. Granted, I've been in loving relationships and trust that I can probably tell the difference between someone who only wants sex and someone who's attracted by all of me. The best I can do is let them know I'm not interested in a purely sexual relationship. So far, it's meant the ones only interested in sex excuse themselves and those who want more make more of an effort to get to know me. I do! I try more subtly but if not, tell them straight at their face that I don't want to have sex unless I am in a relationship. And then the guys will start saying things like this stupid three date rule...
Kamille Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Like... rubbing my legs and waist at a bar? I think that's pretty inapproporiate especially on the first/second date? Am I just being outdated? It's not a question of being outdated. It's a question of asserting your boundaries. If your date crosses a line you're not comfortable with, it's your job to say so. They can't guess that you think it's too soon for that kind of sexual innuendo. What I'm curious about is why you think the men behaving this way are only interested in sex.
iKING Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Like... rubbing my legs and waist at a bar? I think that's pretty inapproporiate especially on the first/second date? Am I just being outdated? I do want to get to know guys who are more reserved but first, they don't give look at me or approach me, second, if I approach to talk, they make a small talk and leave? So I feel like they prejudge me as "easy" and think I am not the type of girl they want? That's part of the society we live in. It's sometimes harder to find reserved individuals then it is promiscuous ones, especially in the bar/club scene. You're going to have to keep looking, the guys may have been taken or really shy. I'm not sure they judged you as being easy just because you started a chat with them. Keep on keepin' on, like I said, you're doing everything right as far as I can tell, you just haven't run into a guy with the same outlook yet. I can't tell the future, but I'm fairly sure you will. 1
hppr Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 You aren't doing anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with those guys either. You're just a bit immature and looking for the 'wrong things' in relationships that's all. Can't expect every guy to come on just the way you want him to, or for every relationship to work out, for every approach to go your way. That's just life. I went out with 19 girls before I found one that I wanted to see more than once and my standards are quite literally not-fat, not-mean, not-crazy. What can I say, dating's a PITA but we keep trying like fools... 2
outsidethebox Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) OP, your comment: "Orr... because I am non-White and due to racial/ethinic misconceptions that my people are easy and subordinate? (could it be?)" makes me think you are sensitive to this and think you might not be respected due to be non-white (I assume we're talking about dating whites rather than whatever racial/ethnic difference you are). Also I didn't know there was a no touching on a second date. Holy cow. What is it supposed to be, a literature discussion? Personally I think your culture may be more reserved than others. However, I do agree that someone telling you about a three date rule for sex after you said you don't want to have sex until you're in a relationship is someone to cut date short in a more polite way that he's acting (which won't take much) and scratch the guy off your list. So, yes, long answer short, you are describing being hit up for sex on a date, I assure you the same guys hit on everyone. It's not your racial/ethnicity. It's the guys. Edited March 3, 2013 by outsidethebox
Revolver Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 It depends on the guy and how he views the woman. One mans Bootycall is another mans Wife
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