Can you become philosophical about an old relationship and come to terms with it?

[markus36]

I've posted on here before - the short version is met a woman at a conference and spent two amazing weeks together almost 24/7, and we had what I think was about as close as it can get to perfection. They were possibly the happiest two weeks of my life. We had an incredible intellectual, sexual and conversational connection, and we both admitted that we were head over heels in love with each other. Then, we both went home, arranged to meet up for a week about a month later, and then there was an ex on the scene in her town, and she decided to go back to the ex. This was all six months ago. Since then, I got quite upset and lost a lot of self-esteem over it all. I think she lied to me, and that really hurt.

 

I stayed in touch (stupidly, hoping she would change her mind) but I've ultimately gone NC. I still think her ex is a mistake for her, but it's none of my business.

 

I've currently met someone else. I'm taking it slowly, but I'm not "over" the ex, but at the same time, dating other people I think is a good thing, as long as I don't promise the earth.

 

The new girl is funny, smart, and we're getting on really well, and when I'm with her, I don't think of my ex at all. However, there's still a little part of me that that thinks of the ex, and although I know it's over, I'm still convinced that those two weeks were perfect, and had things been different (geography, etc), we could really have been so perfect for each other. Can I ever come to terms with this?

[A1A]

If it was really perfect as you 'think' it was, geography wouldn't matter... I am sorry if it sound bad, but that's the truth. Sometimes we THINK and imagine a different reality. From what you wrote, it looked as if you met a girl who gave you a picture-perfect partner and you were all into it. On the other hand, she met you and yes she might have liked what you gave her, but probably just used you in case she wouldn't go back with her ex. I don't know all the details but the big picture shows that you need to move on and little by little realized that she is no good for you. Try to stop thinking of what could have happened and think of what really happening... Good luck!

[markus36]

Thanks, I get that from my perspective, geography shouldn't matter - but some people might disagree. She lives in a town of 20,000 people in Oregon. I'm in England - that's a massive distance, and I can see why after we met, she would go back to give it another go with her ex - her family are all in Europe and doesn't have a big circle of friends in this small town in Oregon.

 

On one hand, I can try and see that she's a bitch, blah blah who didn't tell me the whole truth - but I don't like that explanation. I prefer to think of her as confused and in a tricky situation, and she had an ex who's there, and me who's thousands of miles away, and she chose the ex. But that doesn't change that I think for a few weeks, I truly made her as happy as she told me.

[Hopeful714]

Sounds like she may have just had an "overseas" fling that didn't mean as much to her, as it did to you.

 

You need to get over this and concentrate on the things you can have opposed to the things you cannot.

[carhill]

Can I ever come to terms with this?

 

Sure, just keep dating the current lady and see how it goes. It's a process. That you're not thinking of your two week fling/ex while on dates is a good sign.

 

If the 'old relationship' and your thoughts and feelings surrounding it were consistently inhibiting the formation of new interpersonal relationships, then perhaps that would be better addressed with a professional.

 

Strictly on the psychological/philosophical part, MC worked wonders for me in processing 'coming to terms' with such varied experiences as affairs, death and divorce. IMO, you're not a candidate for that type of help currently. Just keep dating. It'll work out. Good luck.