Discovered girlfriend´s feeling for ex

[confused_bf]

Hello everyone, I will try to make this short ( dunno if I will be able to hehe )

 

I´m 26 years-old and I´ve been dating this girl ( 22 ) for three years now.

Great relationship, nothing to complain.

 

Last month, I was looking something in her cell phone and found out that he had been having contact with her ex.

(Before you judge me for snooping let me tell you that for this 3 years we never hid ours cells from each other. I could have discovered all this stuff I´m will be telling you ages ago. I did not because I was not interested in snooping her stuff, anyway...)

 

I found out she had beeing in touch with her first boyfriend, first love, first time and all that stuff. The dated when she was a teenager and seemed like the end of the relationship, and the relationship itself was not very good.

 

I told her I knew she had met her boyfriend and she came clean to me. She told she contacted him a few times and that they had met twice. We discussed a lot and I asked her a LOT of questions.

She told me when she met him she didnt fell anything ( althought she went to see him to check if she would feel anything)

Weeks passed, she left the email acc logged and I snooped.

 

What I realized from what I read was that she seemed to be in doubt. It seemed she was confused a lot. One of the emails, asking for advice on the internet, was something like this:

"I have a relationship I have always wanted, but a ex has reappered and is saying that loves me. I dont think it would be worth to drop my current bf to be with him, but whenever Im not with my bf I think of my ex. I would not like to hurt my bf but cant stop thinking about the ex".

 

From the content of the other messages It seemed to me a lot of immatureness. Something like teenagers use to have.

Seems also that he wanted to meet him more than he did.

 

Anyway, after that I told her I would want to back-off a little from her and that i didnt know whenever i would talk to her.

She went crazy, called me a lot of times and went to my house the next day.

We talked and I told her I would keep my decision.

I had somedays to think some stuff and after 4/5 days I told her that we would be together.

She went NC with the ex too.

 

Things between us got a little stressing. I wanted to know all the details, I used to ask the same stuff from time to time, somedays yes and others no.

she keeps saying she loves my and want to be only with me. She says shes sorry and that I didnt not deserved this.

 

Too complicate more, we found out some days later that she was pregnant ( she didnt take her pills while we were not talking to each other, as she told she was thinking anything right that week ).

 

That time my anger and hate towards her subsided. I became more close, and started to see her more often. That same week she had a miscarriaged.

 

i was there all the time supporting her.

 

Althought, I´m still confused. Since I had to, basically, drill most of the information from her through questioning I think she might have not told me all the truth. That she may be hiding something she thinks it might hurt me.

From the content of the messages things did not get physical.

how do i deal with all this doubt? Somehow seems like we are a lot more close.

The doubt does not disturb me this much, but the period of time she might be feeling this yes.

 

 

She is a very good gf. She was always there when i needed. I have a mild mood disorder and i´m kinda obsessive ( i´m in treatment with a psychologist ). So she was there whever i felt depressed and whenever i need her.

 

I was thinking of a couple therapy ( we r not married or live together but I was planning to engager her this her, whick now is on hold ) But i wanted this to work. I love her and I have never felt that she was not in love with me.

 

 

thx for you time guys/gals.

[Casablanca]

I'd say you did the right thing with stepping away for a few days and if it seems you two are better than before/closer than ever seems like things are okay then for the time

 

Perhaps she was starting to get a little bored in the relationship, as it can happen no matter how much she loves you. I'd recommend a nice weekend or week getaway, do something romantic, put a little spark back into the relationship, show her a great time

[confused_bf]

Perhaps she was starting to get a little bored in the relationship, as it can happen no matter how much she loves you. I'd recommend a nice weekend or week getaway, do something romantic, put a little spark back into the relationship, show her a great time

 

I really dont think thats the case since she had been keeping some sort of contact with him since the begining.

 

I have never forbidden her to do that and even told her if she wanted to see him that she could do it.

 

I think i did not set some good boundaries.

 

but as I said, i was wondering how can I deal better with my feelings since now i fell like I love her and sometimes I hate the attitudes she had.

 

I was hoping to see more answers, maybe I should post this on coping instead of dating?

 

thx

[veggirl]

Does she know you read the posts about her having doubts etc? Why would SHE call YOU names after she did that?

 

How do you know for sure she doesn't have contact with her ex?

 

You are way too young to be dealing with couples counseling, esp when you are just dating, not married or anything. Honestly I would not be able to reconcile this info in my head...I wouldn't be able to get over my bf confessing to people his feelings for an ex. Plus the fact that she is only 22...a fickle age regardless....

 

I guess you want advice on how to get over it, but I don't think you will get over it, I couldn't.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Twenty two is still a very young age in my book, early 20's is not a time to make long-term decisions because you just don't know what you have or what you're exactly doing. You're still learning the ins and outs of romantic feelings, what is and what is not.

 

I still think she has an infatuation and in love with the fantasy of her ex...after he was the first and a big moment for her on multiple levels, I'm sure she feels conflicted emotionally since he probably left and her and she definitely sounds like she could have some emotional abandonment issues. Her reactions and thought process and other things you mentioned seem to mimmick this childlike behavior that you explained.

 

She's still very young, and she's still figuring things out. I think you guys have a decent relationship but personally and honestly this doesn't like a relationship that should shift into a serious engagement at all right now. I think you should let her grow up a little bit and mature, and you should force feed her kids vitamins (birth control). I would let the relationship develop and evolve into an adult/mature relationship, you dating her when she was very young, that puts a hold on her experiences in the dating world...she doesn't know much about these things and I doubt you really do too, this sounds like it's going to be one of those push and pull relationships with it's battles..mainly due to the immaturity/inexperience and I don't think she's going to be completely happy....she'll want to be, she'll tell herself and you she is but if she's still holding onto this other guy to the level emotionally where she's saying she's not sure whether to leave you for him? that's gotta be taken pretty seriously, someone who is onboard with their currently relationship shouldn't be saying or thinking that way, or feeling that way...they should be moved on from that, otherwise old feelings die hard...women hold onto a lot of emotion they don't let you in on.

 

Give this another 4 years IMO, it sounds like a long time, but I think it's a wise decision....there shouldn't be a rush into this, or you might be like a lot of these unhappily married couples just together for the kids like a lot couples out there....don't just roll the dice, it's good you've been to together for 3 years, but she's got to grow up a bit, and you've got to be sure this is the right relationship for you...marriage is not going to fix your problems, nor kids, that just puts more layers on top of it and more difficult to get out from under when things don't look good anymore....look around you and people and their mistakes, don't assume you are the exception to the rule...they all did too or weren't even thinking.

[confused_bf]

How do you know for sure she doesn't have contact with her ex?

Well, she deleted him from fb and from gmail.

 

I think i will have to take her word that she does not keep contact with him anymore. And, in any relationships, how can you be 100% sure of something?

 

You are way too young to be dealing with couples counseling, esp when you are just dating, not married or anything.

 

The effects of a emotional cheating are still very present in myself. Im still obssessing about it. Like I said, she had never showed any signs she was in doubt. The counselling wouldnt be a complete one. Since i´m already in counseling myself, we would alternateve between some sessions only for me and some sessions for both of us.

I know, there are plenty of fish in the sea and maybe I should just drop her. I just dont want to do that. I´m trying to convice myself that people make mistakes and, since she´s young, that´s kinda of a immature behaviour.

[JennaMax]

3 years is a long time and she should have moved on from her ex. she really has no excuse but I get the feeling that if you've been depressed because of this disorder, she may be looking back at the good old says with her ex. Did you know why she broke up with her ex?

[confused_bf]

Twenty two is still a very young age in my book, early 20's is not a time to make long-term decisions because you just don't know what you have or what you're exactly doing. You're still learning the ins and outs of romantic feelings, what is and what is not.

Hi Ninja, really liked your post.

To be more clear, I told you guys I was planning to engage her this year. But i´m not doing it anymore. I want to be with her, but i think she´s not ready to do that. And, in no way i´m going to propose to her so that she can stay with me.

 

 

I still think she has an infatuation and in love with the fantasy of her ex...

dont know if it is love. For me it seems like that teenager fantasy that girls have regarding the their first love.

 

I think you guys have a decent relationship but personally and honestly this doesn't like a relationship that should shift into a serious engagement at all right now.

 

Due to the recent events, and as explained above, i´m not doing it now.

 

I think you should let her grow up a little bit and mature

Thats why I said somethings about the couple therapy. Even if we are not married and stuff like that, we are willing to work this out. A therapist said it could be beneficial to us. As well as to her, since she seemed in a conflict.

 

 

I would let the relationship develop and evolve into an adult/mature relationship, you dating her when she was very young, that puts a hold on her experiences in the dating world...she doesn't know much about these things and I doubt you really do too,

 

I dont know how could you tell that from us, but thats kinda true about the stuff said about myself. She is my first official girlfriend.

 

But by that you mean, since she is young, she will want to experience the world? Go out dancing with single girlsfriends, flirt a lot with other guys?

I dont like to generalize things, i know a lot of ppl that have married in their earlies 20 and are doing great.

 

this sounds like it's going to be one of those push and pull relationships with it's battles.

 

we rarely fight. Actually, we talk a lot! A thought we would not have problems like this since we talked a lot about so many stuffs like relationships, ourselves.

 

One thing I have to say is that, in the begging of the relationship I used to be more distant, saything people should not get too attached to others so we could not suffer. I used to say this things to her. I was not jealous either, and recently she told me that it took nearly 2.5 years of dating for me to show I was jealous of her. ( when a guy picked her in her work to have lunch ).

NO, i´m not super jealous, consider it a normal jealous.

She said she thought I did not care about this stuff, when In fact I did.

 

***Also during the pregnancy discovery week, she told she did not know I cared for her that much.

 

 

mainly due to the immaturity/inexperience and I don't think she's going to be completely happy....she'll want to be, she'll tell herself and you she is but if she's still holding onto this other guy to the level emotionally where she's saying she's not sure whether to leave you for him? that's gotta be taken pretty seriously, someone who is onboard with their currently relationship shouldn't be saying or thinking that way, or feeling that way...they should be moved on from that, otherwise old feelings die hard...women hold onto a lot of emotion they don't let you in on.

 

What can I do about it then?

And how can you say she is not going to be happy?

 

She says she doest not love him and loves only me. She says she now knows what really love is now.

She´s told that to her friends ( i saw some chat logs ).

 

 

Since I do not know if its love of kinda a obssesion of her. I dont know if she can really forget him or this fantasy. Or even realize it was some sort of a fantasy. ( thats where the therapy would help IMO)

 

look around you and people and their mistakes, don't assume you are the exception to the rule...they all did too or weren't even thinking.

 

 

This kinda helped me to see that my dating was not bullet proof. I´ve also read other girls posting saying they had this kinda of behaviour.

What bothers me is that it was a ongoing thing, not something done in a daily basis, but all these 3 years she talked to him.

 

thx ppl!

Edited March 4, 2013 by confused_bf
deleting a quote tag

[confused_bf]

but I get the feeling that if you've been depressed because of this disorder, she may be looking back at the good old says with her ex

Most of our time together is good. She was a teenager when they dated, she could not go out very often.

 

Did you know why she broke up with her ex?

 

Seems like he was very very very jealous. They started to argue more frequently and she broke up with him. They got back together and there also the fac that he had to move to another state, and he did, and they kept a long distance relationship for a few months and then it ended.

 

After that she dated a guy for 5 months and about a year later I met her.

[CptSaveAho]

No offense, you shouldn't be going to couples therapy at that age...

 

I personally wouldn't go at any age... don't date people that need "therapy" its not going to work out well for you or anyone... even suggesting this is going to push her away because she's not going to think anything is wrong with her.

 

I have a feeling you sense an emotional disconnect hence why you are doing all this snooping and the engagement plans (trying to pull her in tighter). Just let the relationship run its course. It really looks like the ship is about to sink though and I think deep down you are starting to see that so my best advice is put on a life jacket and hold on tight

[Joaquin]

Make a list of the instances in this whole thing in which your gf of 3 YEARS has lied, been disloyal, not been upfront with you or messed with your head.

 

Then ask yourself, is this the kinda person you want in a gf?

 

Sounds ****ing miserable.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Most of our time together is good. She was a teenager when they dated, she could not go out very often.

Seems like he was very very very jealous. They started to argue more frequently and she broke up with him. They got back together and there also the fac that he had to move to another state, and he did, and they kept a long distance relationship for a few months and then it ended.

After that she dated a guy for 5 months and about a year later I met her.

 

She has been with you since 19. Normally, I wouldn't say that's a problem... but 1 guy starts hitting her up and she suddenly becomes "on the fence".

 

Clearly she has some grass is greener issues.

 

I don't know what you ultimately want out of this relationship... but the longer you drag this out, the more likely it will end in tears. She clearly doesn't love you enough.

[AverageCat]

Damn this is so much like my situation.....

 

Unfortunately I think most girls don't get over their first love, when they were still teenagers.

That is because it's usually the one time when a person loves and gets loved for real, without being afraid to get hurt, or appearing clingy, without holding back any kind of emotions.

 

Also knowing that girls are really emotional beings... makes that much worse.

I am yet to know the answer to this, but honestly Idk ANY girl who has had a meaningful high emotional experience as a teenager who doesn't still think about that from time to time.

[confused_bf]

don't date people that need "therapy" its not going to work out well for you or anyone... even suggesting this is going to push her away because she's not going to think anything is wrong with her.

 

I´ve been on therapy for some time now. That means I´m not dateable?

Sorry but I will to disagree on that. Also, when I sugested her to do some work in a neutral environment, she said she would be ok with it.

Also, I´ve read how therapy can be useful to couples. Some ppl in this forum probably had it with theirs spouses and are doing better now.

 

I know we are not married, but that is not a pre requirement to apply for it.

 

I have a feeling you sense an emotional disconnect hence why you are doing all this snooping and the engagement plans (trying to pull her in tighter). Just let the relationship run its course. It really looks like the ship is about to sink though and I think deep down you are starting to see that so my best advice is put on a life jacket and hold on tight

 

Im not doing any engagement plans. I said I would propose to her this year!

But then I found out about this and Im not going to do it anymore this year.

I dont think the boat is sinking. To be honest, we seem more connected now. We have also been spending more time together.

The way we talk about this incided has gotten better too. We dont get all emotional when talking about it and try to do it in a more racional way.

 

 

Make a list of the instances in this whole thing in which your gf of 3 YEARS has lied, been disloyal, not been upfront with you or messed with your head.

 

Then ask yourself, is this the kinda person you want in a gf?

 

Other than this situation I´ve told you ppl, she is a girlfriend I ´ve always wanted.

So I had already made this list and thats why I chose to stay with her.

 

 

She has been with you since 19. Normally, I wouldn't say that's a problem... but 1 guy starts hitting her up and she suddenly becomes "on the fence".

Its not a first guy, its a old flame. First bf, first love, first time.

I´ve been reading some sites and seems like this often happens to girls and even guys.

Clearly she has some grass is greener issues.

I agree with that. Before all this situation i used to tell her about the GIG syndrome. How that can turn out bad and stuff like that.

 

Is there anything I can do regarding this?

 

I don't know what you ultimately want out of this relationship...

Well I want to be with her. She says the same.

 

She clearly doesn't love you enough.

Well, I dont feel that way...

[confused_bf]

Damn this is so much like my situation.....

 

I new to the forums and I could find the pm button.

If your situation is like mine we could talk more about it.

[Quiet Storm]

Teenage romance is usually very passionate and intense.

 

I wouldn't discount those feelings as "just a fantasy".

 

I'm married to my HS sweetheart.

[confused_bf]

Teenage romance is usually very passionate and intense.

 

Yeah, it might be to some ppl.

In my case, I think its more like an obssession than love or passion...

[AverageCat]

I new to the forums and I could find the pm button.

If your situation is like mine we could talk more about it.

 

The way I'm going about it is just assume she loves me and it's up to me as the man to keep the relationship going. So I try to give her more emotional rollercoasters, without too much drama.

 

So keep a steady high in your relationship, but once in a while(or long while), don't be afraid to put in some "No texting" for a few days or a week (depending on what your average is), to make her wonder and miss you. Or keep yourself busy for a week and don't see her. Or make a new female friend and tell her about it. Or be a bit distant. Just little things to spice up her rollercoaster and put her in a "small down" so she can appreciate the up. This needs not be vocalized from you though or else you'll appear like a drama queen.

(edit: you notice how she responded so powerfully at you taking your "time" to decide about the two of you.)

 

Also on the other hand don't be afraid to have really high moments with her. Txting everyday, showing and vocalizing affection.

To sum up, it's just a big push and pull. -You need to dominate the interaction with her through making her need you a bit and invest more in you - and - you need to show some genuine emotions - at the same time.

 

Edit2: Also don't resent her for it. You made your choice to stick to her(which was your choice), so you need to trust her 100% as if that never happened.

Edited March 5, 2013 by AverageCat

[Joaquin]

The way I'm going about it is just assume she loves me and it's up to me as the man to keep the relationship going. So I try to give her more emotional rollercoasters, without too much drama.

 

So keep a steady high in your relationship, but once in a while(or long while), don't be afraid to put in some "No texting" for a few days or a week (depending on what your average is), to make her wonder and miss you. Or keep yourself busy for a week and don't see her. Or make a new female friend and tell her about it. Or be a bit distant. Just little things to spice up her rollercoaster and put her in a "small down" so she can appreciate the up. This needs not be vocalized from you though or else you'll appear like a drama queen.

(edit: you notice how she responded so powerfully at you taking your "time" to decide about the two of you.)

 

Also on the other hand don't be afraid to have really high moments with her. Txting everyday, showing and vocalizing affection.

To sum up, it's just a big push and pull. -You need to dominate the interaction with her through making her need you a bit and invest more in you - and - you need to show some genuine emotions - at the same time.

 

Edit2: Also don't resent her for it. You made your choice to stick to her(which was your choice), so you need to trust her 100% as if that never happened.

 

And how's that working out for you? Enjoying the relationship?

[AverageCat]

And how's that working out for you? Enjoying the relationship?

 

Don't know if there was sarcasm in this, but I am having a really good time so far.

 

Like I said the rollercoasters need to be sparse (not often), and with smaller downs and higher ups.

[Joaquin]

Not sarcastic at all. In fact, I can totally relate to the high low push pull dynamic u describe.

 

In my case, i didn't set out with such a game plan but it evolved naturally. In hindsight i think it was manipulated BS by me to get reassurane from her now and then that she gave a ****.

 

I found it quite upsetting tbh, and I was very unhappy. I'd had plenty of other relationships and it was by far the crapiest.

[Quiet Storm]

Yeah, it might be to some ppl.

In my case, I think its more like an obssession than love or passion...

 

The kind of love she had for her ex and whether it is a fantasy or obsession doesn't really matter. What matters is that the focus of her romantic & sexual feelings is you.

 

It may not have been a healthy kind of love, but that doesn't stop her from feeling the emotions. She not only felt the emotions, but she fed them by making contact.

 

She may recognize that their relationship was not good for her, but still be very attracted to him.

 

I just hope you are not her safety net. She may feel comfortable in your relationship, and still seek him out to meet her needs for drama and excitement. If he had responded to her more positively, what do you think would have happenned?

 

You deserve a woman that is focused on you and your relationship. Make sure she knows that you will accept nothing less.

[AverageCat]

Not sarcastic at all. In fact, I can totally relate to the high low push pull dynamic u describe.

 

In my case, i didn't set out with such a game plan but it evolved naturally. In hindsight i think it was manipulated BS by me to get reassurane from her now and then that she gave a ****.

 

I found it quite upsetting tbh, and I was very unhappy. I'd had plenty of other relationships and it was by far the crapiest.

 

Can you elaborate what and why was upsetting?

 

My way of thinking is pretty simple (once in a relationship, before it's a totally other gameplan).

 

- Be confident. (It's hard when emotions get involved... I had a few sleepless nights , but try your best)

- Keep the high / show emotion. (Guys who are successfull at attracting girls usually have a hard time showing their emotions, cuz the way attraction works is usually quite the opposite way, by not showing emotion... so don't be afraid to show a bit of jealousy here and there , girls need that kind of reassurance)

- Put lows very very rarely. (This is just to reinforce to her that it's you that she wants.)

- Communicate. (Hey with a smart girl, you can probably even tell her you're doing this!!).

- Your gf doesn't owe you anything, so don't take your relationship or her love for granted. (The same way you don't owe anything to her )

 

On communication... I once told a girl exactly what I wanted her to do to keep me attracted to her for an extensive period of time... She's my gf now... and I'm super into her.

Edited March 5, 2013 by AverageCat

[confused_bf]

The way I'm going about it is just assume she loves me and it's up to me as the man to keep the relationship going. So I try to give her more emotional rollercoasters, without too much drama.

 

Hmm, this and all the other stuff you said in the last post remind a lot of the ideias used in the pick up community. I really like it but I dont think this is the focus of my topic.

Somethings in these techniques are very good but I say we should be very careful when reading this. There are a lot of guys giving some weird advices out there.

So, I´d like to stick with topic...

 

What matters is that the focus of her romantic & sexual feelings is you.

 

Like I said, I had never felt that she did not love me or anything else.

In fact, a month before she met her ex she txted a friend saying she was more in love with me.

 

She may recognize that their relationship was not good for her, but still be very attracted to him.

 

I dont know if it was attraction or not. Me, myself, had felt attrated for other girls, and thats totally normal.

I cant say she was not attracted to me too...

 

 

I just hope you are not her safety net. She may feel comfortable in your relationship, and still seek him out to meet her needs for drama and excitement.

 

How can I know if am not her safety net?

 

I had never felt it. Well, I know, I have done many more things with her than her ex ever did.

 

If he had responded to her more positively, what do you think would have happenned?

Well he did! When they met, she told me he wanted to get back together and she said no. ( this was in the day I found out )

Latter then, after i pushed her more, she told me he had asked her to come back together and she said she would see it. She told him she would talk to me. I asked her why she never did and she told me knew she wanted to stay with me.

She also told me that when she saw him it was like meeting a old friend / family member. She did not felt the desire to kiss him.

 

You deserve a woman that is focused on you and your relationship. Make sure she knows that you will accept nothing less.

 

How can I tell her that?

I´ve had the urge to keep asking her more details and trying to understand her head.

 

Sometimes I think Im overreacting about this...

Edited March 7, 2013 by confused_bf
editing quote tags

[confused_bf]

any more advices?