elazul Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Apologies for the wall of text, possible cliche story and the fact that I've only just registered but I really have no where else to turn to. A little while ago I met a girl at work and we really liked each other. We told each other but as much as she liked me she didn't want to be in a relationship because she's been in a couple of bad ones she confided in me about, just got out of a really serious one and she's scared of getting hurt again (which I'm sure is a story you see all the time here). She left the job but we still spoke all the time and were really close, after a while however she tells me she's gotten too attached and starts being really cold to me. It really hurt and after a while we just stopped talking but I still let her know how I felt regardless. A month after we stopped completely she starts talking to me again, really apologetic about the way she was and though I was sceptical at first eventually I forgave her and told her I understood why she was how she was, that everything she did was because she was scared, so we started up again and were closer than ever before but still technically not in a relationship. There was the odd argument and moments of moodiness but whatever, I could get through it because I loved her and always saw the best in her. Before getting into the next part I'm going to say now that I really really like her, at her best she's everything I look for in a girl, she's pretty much the perfect girl I never thought existed let alone would like me. As long as I knew she felt the same I could never in my wildest dreams imagine ever leaving her. Anyway after a couple of months she gets mad at something which had nothing to do with me and we don't talk for a few days, after the silence is broken she tells me about how she missed me too much while we weren't talking and it scared her a lot. We're still talking now but it's not the same, as much as I tell her I won't hurt her she's still convinced I will. Apparently when she's in a relationship with someone she has moments when she's really difficult (which girl doesn't?) and it's driven every guy away. I always tell her that I care about her too much for that to happen and that nothing would be too much for me to take if we were in a relationship but I just get a “that's what they all say”, and I'm sure they do but I'm not those guys and if I wasn't positive I wouldn't say it. Not only is she colder now but there are times when she'll be really horrible to me, she'll tell me I just need to leave/forget her and move on to one of the girls that like me but I don't care about them, she's the only one I want despite her flaws. She'll still message me but at times she'll be a “complete bitch” (her own words) and when I ask her why she's being like that she'll try convincing me she's horrible person, that she needs to hurt me before I get a chance to hurt her or that she needs to push me to see how much I can take of her. She says that if I were a friend of hers and another girl treated me the way she does me she'd tell them to get it together and leave her. That's not to say I think she's a bitch, I still love her and I understand why she says that stuff because I know about her past but that doesn't completely stop it from hurting. She still has her vulnerable moments where she'll tell me she wants to be with me so badly but everything is so difficult. How she wants to believe me when I say I won't hurt her but is too scared. Despite her apologies it's not long before I'm being treated like absolute **** again, and even though I believe her I do hate that it has to be like that. When I asked her if she'd be upset if I really did leave I got a very unconvincing no, that it'd only prove her right. To be honest I really do think deep down she wants to be with me, that she has feelings for me and that it would hurt her if I left or got with someone else but I'm only human and still have my doubts, maybe I'm just believing what I want? I really don't know what to do anymore. If another girl treated me half as bad as she did I would have been gone a long time ago but I really don't want to give up on her. I don't want to leave her and prove her right, despite everything that's happened I don't want to hurt her, I still care for her and would do whatever it takes but what else can I do? Has anyone ever been in her situation? Am I right to stick with it or am I just an idiot? Like I said, I have all the patience in the world for her but it's so difficult.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 You're being an idiot. She sounds maniac bipolar. The way her mood switches. Shall you endure till you're broken in nothingness? It will not, she will not change unless she herself wants to and wants too get help..
RachR Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Ok, elazul, listen to me carefully...because I've been like the girl you are dealing with at the moment years ago in a relationship past, except for me I felt out of control and didn't know what the h*** was going on with me (not my proudest thing to remember). You have to have boundaries and you have to say enough is enough. This is toxic and it's going to break you down if it hasn't already. I know it seems like the ideal thing to be, "I will be there no matter what," showing your love like that, but what you're actually doing, by putting up with this, is showing you don't respect yourself and that it's ok for her to disrespect you. It'll just get worse if you don't do something. She may be forcing your hand to leave. Tell her something has to change or you're leaving her and don't back down, and see if she changes this dynamic. And if she doesn't actively try to change and/or achieve that, leave. Have healthy boundaries! 1
RachR Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) but I really don't want to give up on her.. But you can't give up on yourself. edit* Some things I learned from a relationship like that: -Don't fall in love or stay for someone's potential - go with what is there, now, actually happening. -Relationship dynamics are really hard to change once they've been set. -Letting yourself be a martyr isn't going to change anything for the positive. Really, I want to suggest just leaving her now but I don't think you will, so please consider what I suggested in my previous post. Edited March 3, 2013 by RachR
Author elazul Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I asked on another site as well as one of the few friends I can talk about this stuff with without feeling lame and the consensus was around the same. I'll find it difficult but I just have to do it. While I know how those guys treated her and understand why she might be this way it's still not right to be treated like this when you've done nothing wrong. I'm not one of those guys and I shouldn't be treated like I am.
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