So much wrong

[busdriver]

First the basics. I have been married for over a quarter of a century. My wife and I have two grown children. Three years ago I had an affair with a coworker, which came to light when my wife found a record of our text messages on our phone bill. I confessed to everything, no trickle truth. My OW and I had a physical relationship, but not sex. Our relationship was mainly emotional. My wife was absolutely hurt but forgave me, with the condition that I never contact my OW again. I wrote an email to my OW telling her these terms, and she wished me well though I knew it hurt her. My wife and I reconciled with the help of our very patiant counselor and a lot of time. I am so truly grateful to her for giving me a second chance, and I feel like I have so much to live up to, becoming the man she thought I was.

 

Yesterday I got some very bad news. I haven't told anyone yet, not even my wife. But my problem is that I'm sitting here with this news, and all I can think about is my OW. I can't call her up and tell her about it, and she's the first person I wanted to speak to. I can't even imagine going through this without her. I am scared because this is my first thought. My wife is laying right next to me, and I could tell her right now. She should be the one I want to talk to. I'm writing here because I know it's wrong to contact my OW, for her sake especially, and my wife's. This is a selfish wish and I need to ignore it. My own loneliness is my own fault. How can I forget my own stupid wants and reach out to my wife?

Edited March 3, 2013 by busdriver

[TaraMaiden]

Tap her on the shoulder, now, and tell her.

 

But you also need to consider this question.

 

Are you IN LOVE with your wife, or do you just 'Love' her?

 

There's a difference.

 

You reconciled your hearts.

Did you reconcile your emotions?

 

When - and if - you have sex with your wife, do you ever think of your OW?

 

This all hinges on whether you are with your wife because you really WANT to be, or whether you are with your wife because you believe you OUGHT to be.

[waterwoman]

Just tell her.

[Just a Guy]

As the Nike ad says ' Just do it'. Turn to your wife and tell her the matter. It will help break the spell that you seem to be under. Remember if you open up old wounds they will never heal again and will only become cancerous. A little effort now in the right direction will go a long way to cement your relationship with your wife and give you true happiness. Twenty five years is a long period of time to throw away for some stupid selfish desire. Do right by your wife. She deserves it! Best wishes.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with the two previous posters.

 

One of the interesting things about going NC is that you should also do a form of "mental no contact" as well. Stop giving your OW headspace. Envision a stop sign in your head when it happens if you must. Thinking of her serves no purpose but to torture you. You're smart enough to know that taking another hit off that crack pipe is a real bad idea. Force yourself to stop thinking about it. Immediately reinvest that energy into your marriage. As soon as you think of your OW, stop it and go do something kind for your wife. That's where your energy belongs.

[Spark1111]

As long as you have your former OW up ona pedestal as being your one true confidante, you are doing your spouse and your marriage a grave disservice.

 

Why do you feel that way?

 

You may have found forgiveness and reconciled, but did you go to counseling to determine what need your AP was filling for you?

 

Because unless you can identify that and express and allow your spouse to do the same, you really did not fix anything. You did not make your marriage stronger.

[Furious]

First the basics. I have been married for over a quarter of a century. My wife and I have two grown children. Three years ago I had an affair with a coworker, which came to light when my wife found a record of our text messages on our phone bill. I confessed to everything, no trickle truth. My OW and I had a physical relationship, but not sex. Our relationship was mainly emotional. My wife was absolutely hurt but forgave me, with the condition that I never contact my OW again. I wrote an email to my OW telling her these terms, and she wished me well though I knew it hurt her. My wife and I reconciled with the help of our very patiant counselor and a lot of time. I am so truly grateful to her for giving me a second chance, and I feel like I have so much to live up to, becoming the man she thought I was.

 

Yesterday I got some very bad news. I haven't told anyone yet, not even my wife. But my problem is that I'm sitting here with this news, and all I can think about is my OW. I can't call her up and tell her about it, and she's the first

person I wanted to speak to. I can't even imagine going through this without her. I am scared because this is my first thought. My wife is laying right next to me, and I could tell her right now. She should be the one I want to talk to. I'm writing here because I know it's wrong to contact my OW, for her sake especially, and my wife's. This is a selfish wish and I need to ignore it. My own loneliness is my own fault. How can I forget my own stupid wants and reach out to my wife?

 

 

If the bad news you've gotten will require your wife to make sacrifices and it also affects her personally and you do end up breaking no contact with the ex-ow that would be cruel on your part.

 

If the bad news means you will be in extra need of your wife to get through it, you will be stealing once again from her reality and free choice.

[busdriver]

I will try to answer as much as I can.

 

First of all, like many of the posters I have read here, I have come to understand through counseling and soul searching that "in love" is an unrealistic expectation for a long term relationship. When I think "in love" I think about feeling excited when they are around, missing them when they are out of sight, and being fascinated overall with them. My wife and I were like that in the beginning, but we changed. We evolved into something more familiar. But it was unfamiliar at the same time. When we met, we were both students and coworkers in a very exciting field. We had so much to talk about, and we were constantly discovering and learning together, so the attraction was mental even before it was physical.

 

When we got married, she left work very soon and we had a daughter. I was excited to be a dad and she was excited to be a mom. She has a large extended family that lives close, so we still got plenty of time alone. It's just that we didn't have anything to talk about anymore. She lost all interest in the field, completely. All we had in common was our son, and this was all she wanted to talk about, practically. Her family's gossip, her TV shows, and children. I tried to involve her with my world, but she was bored with it. I had thought we were lucky ones to have so much in common, but I felt tricked and sad. Not that this is justification obviously, but this is why I ended up talking more with my OW than my wife. The attraction came next, and I pursued her because I finally felt "in love" again. She is alive and that makes me feel alive again.

 

I do understand it was wrong, and I didn't have to act on my attraction. When my wife found out, I was shocked by her sadness. I had turned around and tricked her, and it was cruel. My wife and I agreed that reconciliation was the only option. She values family life above all else, and I just can't be a man who abandons a good woman. My OW and I stopped all contact, with no bitterness. She said she had been prepared for it. I have tried very hard to repair trust with my wife, and I know she feels good about us and our future. I have been learning to value the quiet and the warmth of a mature relationship and the everyday exchanges at home.

 

But on friday I got life-changing news. It is medical, and though the news is bad it could have been much worse and I am very lucky. I will have to fight this problem and I will probably lose anyway. I will tell my wife very soon, but my first desire was to tell my OW. I feel like I am waking up and realizing that there is a vey real time limit on life, and not seeing her again or spending any of it with her makes me want to give up right now.

[Furious]

I will try to answer as much as I can.

 

First of all, like many of the posters I have read here, I have come to understand through counseling and soul searching that "in love" is an unrealistic expectation for a long term relationship. When I think "in love" I think about feeling excited when they are around, missing them when they are out of sight, and being fascinated overall with them. My wife and I were like that in the beginning, but we changed. We evolved into something more familiar. But it was unfamiliar at the same time. When we met, we were both students and coworkers in a very exciting field. We had so much to talk about, and we were constantly discovering and learning together, so the attraction was mental even before it was physical.

 

When we got married, she left work very soon and we had a daughter. I was excited to be a dad and she was excited to be a mom. She has a large

extended family that lives close, so we still got plenty of time alone. It's just that we didn't have anything to talk about anymore. She lost all interest in the field, completely. All we had in common was our son, and this was all she wanted to talk about, practically. Her family's gossip, her TV shows, and children. I tried to involve her with my world, but she was bored with it. I had thought we were lucky ones to have so much in common, but I felt tricked and sad. Not that this is justification obviously, but this is why I ended up talking more with my OW than my wife. The attraction came next, and I pursued her because I finally felt "in love" again. She is alive and that makes me feel alive again.

I do understand it was wrong, and I didn't have to act on my attraction. When

my wife found out, I was shocked by her sadness. I had turned around and tricked her, and it was cruel. My wife and I agreed that reconciliation was the only option. She values family life above all else, and I just can't be a man who abandons a good woman. My OW and I stopped all contact, with no

bitterness. She said she had been prepared for it. I have tried very hard to

repair trust with my wife, and I know she feels good about us and our future. I have been learning to value the quiet and the warmth of a mature relationship

and the everyday exchanges at home.

 

But on friday I got life-changing news. It is medical, and though the news is

bad it could have been much worse and I am very lucky. I will have to fight this problem and I will probably lose anyway. I will tell my wife very soon, but

my first desire was to tell my OW. I feel like I am waking up and realizing that there is a vey real time limit on life, and not seeing her again or spending any

of it with her makes me want to give up right now.

 

 

I'm so sorry that you're facing a serious health issue and my prayers are with you for a full recovery.

 

 

My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer 5 years ago, he went through surgery and chemo and it was so hard on him and our family, especially my mom who was by his side 24/7. It was the worst of times but also the best of times because we all came together and learned what real love was about.

 

Real love is deep and constant, real love is extraordinary in times of need, real love is a gentle glow and need not be fireworks, real love stands the test of adversity and is giving.

 

I know if my father was thinking about another woman while my mother held my father when he was sick she would have died inside, and we as his children would have also died inside.

 

If your wish is to be with your OW during your health battle, tell your wife this, don't take her caregiving while you are thinking of someone else.

[Spark1111]

Hmmmm.......

 

so let me understand this.... Your wife gave birth to YOUR CHILD, gave up her career to devote herself to your child, enmeshed herself in extended family to give support to your child, and lost interest in your work life....

 

OK... I got it.

 

Your OW is completely immersed in your work life, something you VALUE very highly, understandable, and now you want to tell the medical news to her.

 

Why?

 

Ithink you need attention for the world you live in when you are not home and I get that. Some men define themselves by their family, some put their career first.

 

Why do you?

 

Is what you DO more important to you than what is of import in the raising of a family?

 

I am not being snarky here because many people choose to define their core being by what they do.

 

WHY do you do that?

 

Often, when the career comes first, as it does for many, that is external validation often needed because daddy did not give you enough of praise growing up.....

 

.....just saying....

 

And I think you need to read more on the stages of mature love.

 

All love grows, if given a proper chance, into mature love. if you lived, day in and day out with your fAP, it would eventually grow into mature love and she too may grow bored with your work stories.

 

Especially if she no longer worked there and was home raising your next child. Just saying....

 

SO! I'd you and your fOW did not have all the drama of work to talk about, what DID you two talk about?

[busdriver]

These are fair questions and thought provoking. I should clarify that my wife did not "give up" her career. Before we were married she had the same passion for our work that I did, and she had always told me that if we had children she would keep working. Her family was more than willing to make that possible. It was not my idea and I did not ask her to give up her work. Things might have turned out differently if I knew that would happen. Being the sole provider does not bother me but I wanted more of a partner mentally. In the end I wonder if she ever really meant to make it a career or if she was just waiting to get married and stop.

 

You ask about which part of life is more important, and it's true that I value work most highly, but I could say this in a different way. I value the constant learning and the constant growing that comes with it. You say "your work stories" but they are not just stories, and not just mine. I can't tell TMI, but it is not a day job and not a shift job. You take your books and your tools with you everywhere, and if you figure out the answer in the middle of the night, you phone your partners and get together for the next step. It is exciting beyond words.

 

I do not think I need daddy issues to find this more fulfilling than talking about Sesame Street or my wife's aunt's menopause. I admire drive and curiosity, even just dreaming. My wife stopped dreaming. It's not that hard to read Utne or National Geographic and talk about an article every now and then is it?

 

When you ask, "what else" did we talk about, me and OW? I love her because we were both passionate about the same things. When I read your question I hear my wife. Can't we talk about something else? Like what? They changed the plaid on the school uniforms, I think the neighbors' daughter is sneaking out at night, my sister got a root canal today. I have seen posters here say that this is "living" and that work, sex, or passionate conversations cannot compare to the bonds of "living". I admit I cannot begin to understand why.

 

My wife is a wonderful person, and I despise myself for putting her through what I did. I am working on appreciating the more mature love you and our counselors talk about. I am trying very hard, and that is why I am writing here instead of phoning my OW. Honestly up until friday I was 100% sure I was doing the right thing and becoming a better person. But when I am looking at what's coming, I just want to feel happiness again and that's the truth. I want a real mental and emotional connection.

Edited March 4, 2013 by busdriver

[Furious]

These are fair questions and thought provoking. I should clarify that my wife did not "give up" her career. Before we were married she had the same passion for our work that I did, and she had always told me that if we had children she would keep working. Her family was more than willing to make that possible. It was not my idea and I did not ask her to give up her work. Things might have turned out differently if I knew that would happen. Being the sole provider does not bother me but I wanted more of a partner mentally. In the end I wonder if she ever really meant to make it a career or if she was just waiting to get married and stop.

 

You ask about which part of life is more important, and it's true that I value work most highly, but I could say this in a different way. I value the constant learning and the constant growing that comes with it. You say "your work stories" but they are not just stories, and not just mine. I can't tell TMI, but it is not a day job and not a shift job. You take your books and your tools with

you everywhere, and if you figure out the answer in the middle of the night, you phone your partners and get together for the next step. It is exciting beyond words.

 

I do not think I need daddy issues to find this more fulfilling than talking about Sesame Street or my wife's aunt's menopause. I admire drive and curiosity, even just dreaming. My wife stopped dreaming. It's not that hard to read Utne or National Geographic and talk about an article every now and then is it?

 

 

When you ask, "what else" did we talk about, me and OW? I love her because we were both passionate about the same things. When I read your question I hear my wife. Can't we talk about something else? Like what? They changed the plaid on the school uniforms, I think the neighbors' daughter is sneaking out at night, my sister got a root canal today. I have seen posters here say that this is "living" and that work, sex, or passionate conversations cannot compare to the bonds of "living". I admit I cannot begin to understand why.

 

My wife is a wonderful person, and I despise myself for putting her through what I did. I am working on appreciating the more mature love you and our counselors talk about. I am trying very hard, and that is why I am writing here instead of phoning my OW. Honestly up until friday I was 100% sure I was doing the right thing and becoming a better person. But when I am looking at what's coming, I just want to feel happiness again and that's the truth. I want a real mental and emotional connection.

 

 

When my dad was so sick, he didn't talk about physics and and string theory, his biggest worry was about not vomiting on himself and wishing he didn't need a bed pan.

 

I hope for your sake that your OW had a strong stomach and isn't squeamish about your bodily functions.

 

Do what you want, if it's the OW, at least give your wife the truth and allow her to decide if she wants to be by your side in your time of need.

[busdriver]

Thoughts like these are my problem, and why I am thinking of declining treatment and allowing nature to take its course. That is nothing to look forward to.

 

I won't be phoning my OW. In case anyone else is waiting to recite the "OW won't love you when you're sick" line, don't bother. I was bothered by my need to contact her and hear her voice. I think maybe I have talked it out enough and understand better. I am not going to be much good to anyone very soon. You are right.

 

Thank you.

[Furious]

Thoughts like these are my problem, and why I am thinking of declining treatment and allowing nature to take its course. That is nothing to look forward to.

 

I won't be phoning my OW. In case anyone else is waiting to recite the "OW won't love you when you're sick" line, don't bother. I was bothered by my need to contact her and hear her voice. I think maybe I have talked it out enough and understand better. I am not going to be much good to anyone very soon. You are right.

 

Thank you.

 

 

My dad not only survived cancer he is now thriving. Don't give up, your life is precious, please don't give up.

 

My dad didn't want to fight, but my siblings and I needed him, we didn't give up on him.

 

Think of your future grandchildren, think of your son, I doubt he will allow you to give up.

[busdriver]

My son, maybe. My daughter has not spoken to either of us in six years, and she will probably not even know I'm gone. I honestly have been thinking I'll keep the diagnosis to myself and just let things go.

 

I am not depressed. I am just realistic and I know the odds. I don't want to live with a bedpan. I don't want to have all my joy in my past. When I thanked you, I didn't mean that you had said something that deicded it for me. I already felt like that. It was actually good to see the words because I know no one here is trying to pat me on the head and just tell me to feel better.

[Furious]

My son, maybe. My daughter has not spoken to either of us in six years, and she will probably not even know I'm gone. I honestly have been thinking I'll keep the diagnosis to myself and just let things go.

 

I am not depressed. I am just realistic and I know the odds. I don't want to live with a bedpan. I don't want to have all my joy in my past. When I thanked you, I didn't mean that you had said something that deicded it for me. I already felt like that. It was actually good to see the words because I know no one here is trying to pat me on the head and just tell me to feel better.

 

 

 

You're not a quitter and don't tell me I wrong about that because you are too smart and you are a good man.

 

I think this is the chance to reunite with your daughter and reunite your family.

 

I won't give up on you, you don't have any idea how strong my prayers are.

 

I laughed at the doctor's prognosis of my dad's chances and I proved him wrong.

 

There was a reason you posted here, and now you're in my prayers.

 

You will fight and you will thrive!!!

[stevie_23]

You sound like a good man who is trying to get a handle on his feelings and how they can fit into his actual life.

 

You can’t control your feelings, no matter how hard you try. But you’ve been doing well at controlling your actions and trying to turn your outlook around to appreciate what you’ve got in your marriage with your wife. It’s very different to what you had with your OW, but I kind of think that even if you had ended up with your OW instead of your wife, you would have eventually felt that same familiarity with her too. I guess some people try to chase the “in love” stage all their lives, partner-hopping in order to do so. You seem not to be willing to do this. You may be a bit wiser than some others who do, or you may just value stability and decency / respect more. But now maybe you feel life is so short, what do you really want, ultimately? What will make you truly happy right NOW? I think that may be the OW, BUT that still may not be what’s best for you. Or her. And definitely not what’s best for your wife (although it would be in the long run if you really didn’t want to be with her, but it sounds as if you DO truly love her.)

 

I’m sorry to hear about your health problem. I hope you’ll be ok. Had you had anything like this previously that your OW was involved with? How come you felt that strong need to share this with her above all others? Is this the first time anything big has come up in your life since you left her, or is it sort of relevant to anything that occurred while you were with her?

 

I think once you tell your wife about this problem, something will happen. You will hopefully feel a little closer to her. Like a bit of a weight has been lifted. You will hopefully forget or lose most of that urge to tell your OW. OR you may feel empty after telling your wife, and you may want to talk to your OW more than ever. If this happens, you will I suppose be back at square one, in trying to direct your outlook and actions back fully towards your wife and your marriage.

 

Each new experience since a life changing event (leaving the OW in this case) causes us to have to re-adapt and adjust and get back on track again. To get used to dealing with it in our “new” reality.

 

I’m disturbed by some of the posts on here, that seem angry and somewhat aggressive towards you. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you’re just struggling right now. This latest health news is not helping, either.

 

I am also disturbed by your thoughts that you may decline treatment and let nature take its course and you have nothing to look forward to. This is worrying. I don’t like reading things like that. From the way you’re talking, it sounds as if you may not really care that much if you don’t make it, and you would consider not telling anyone in your family…but you DO (or DID) want to tell your OW. I wonder why that is…is she only the one you think really loves you? I don’t think so. I think you know your wife loves you.

 

I wish you luck…and happiness in the face of this hard time.

[waterwoman]

Sorry to hear your news. I hope you don't refuse treatment.

 

Have you told your wife how you feel about work and her lack of interest? Does she know it upsets you? Perhaps she is feeling some regret for giving up work all those years ago and finds it hard to talk about. Could you gently encourage her to reconsider retraining? Did this never come up in MC - you can't keep sweeping this issue under the carpet.

 

Good luck xx

[whichwayisup]

My son, maybe. My daughter has not spoken to either of us in six years, and she will probably not even know I'm gone. I honestly have been thinking I'll keep the diagnosis to myself and just let things go.

 

I am not depressed. I am just realistic and I know the odds. I don't want to live with a bedpan. I don't want to have all my joy in my past. When I thanked you, I didn't mean that you had said something that deicded it for me. I already felt like that. It was actually good to see the words because I know no one here is trying to pat me on the head and just tell me to feel better.

 

Do not give up and also keep the diagnosis to yourself. Your family - Kids and wife (and you and your wife should reach out to your daughter, seems like this is a life or death situation! if you can try to mend fences, do so before it's too late) need to know the truth of whatever your medical issue is. it's serious. And I'm sorry that you are going to have a rough go at it.. Stay strong.

 

BUT, do NOT go running to your exOW. You're looking for emotional comfort, that zest and intensity you felt with her - You want to feel those feelings now because of this bad news you got. You love your wife, but the that intensity isn't the same (and it never will be if you compare it to your exOW).

 

Another thing to think about, your exOW may not want to hear from you after all this time. It is selfish of you to reach out to her, it could set her back in her grieving and healing process.. All for what? Just to tell her about your illness? What then? does the A start up again? What about your wife and family. You think the OW will look after you in all aspects when things get worse? Or will that person be your wife, the one who loves and truly cares about you, no matter what. What if your exOW tells you to f-off and never to talk to her again? Then your wife finds out? Don't open that door.

 

GO talk to a counselor...Running to the ex other woman is not the answer, if anything, you'll create so much pain (again) to your wife and (again) to your exOW. And to yourself too. Talking to a counselor will help you cope with your illness and how to handle this in a healthier way, no matter what decision you make about treatment or no treatment.

Edited March 4, 2013 by whichwayisup

[busdriver]

Furious, you are a good person to pray for a stranger. Especially one who has admitted to terrible sins. I am humbled that you pray for me and I thank you. I don't want you to worry, or anyone to worry.

 

So I will tell you something; I knew that someone would start talking about bodily functions. But I hope this will make you laugh or at least smile. There is so much poop in my job! There is pee and blood and all sorts of bodily fluids. I use them to bring criminals to justice. It sounds silly, maybe, now that I have told you that my career is my passion. But sometimes poop is all we have.

 

I can promise that I will not restart my affair. Not even on an emotional level. I want my OW to heal, too, and I have learned from my reading here that phoning her would send her to a bad place, a place she is probably trying to forget. And a place I should never have taken her. I know my wife will not let me give up if I tell her. I want this but I am scared of it at the same time.

[busdriver]

I want to be happy. I want to appreciate what I have, and I have a lot. I know that I am lucky, blessed, or however you want to say it. I know that what I have most people would love to have. I have been conditioned by the constant excitement and change in my profession, and our counselor says I need to recognize that these states are unusual. I am trying. I rationally understand that no one should want their lives to be like a criminal investigation all the time!

 

My daughter has been battling many addictions and sees us both as the enemy. If my health problems result in nothing more than reuniting her with her mother then it will be worth it. I try to remind myself of that every time I feel afraid.

 

My craving to phone my OW has a lot to do with our shared profession and knowing that she would feel no disgust or disillusionment. She would know where I am coming from and why I am afraid. I am saying this only to answer questions. I know better than to force her to go through this.

[Furious]

It's such a difficult time for you, and I really understand how hard it must be.

 

I hope you keep posting and accept the support from us here.

 

You're a good man with a big heart who wants everyone to be happy but right now focus on your health and fight the fight.

 

I'm praying for you, so don't let me down:love:

[Snowflower]

I want to be happy. I want to appreciate what I have, and I have a lot. I know that I am lucky, blessed, or however you want to say it. I know that what I have most people would love to have. I have been conditioned by the constant excitement and change in my profession, and our counselor says I need to recognize that these states are unusual. I am trying. I rationally understand that no one should want their lives to be like a criminal investigation all the time!

 

My daughter has been battling many addictions and sees us both as the enemy. If my health problems result in nothing more than reuniting her with her mother then it will be worth it. I try to remind myself of that every time I feel afraid.

 

My craving to phone my OW has a lot to do with our shared profession and knowing that she would feel no disgust or disillusionment. She would know where I am coming from and why I am afraid. I am saying this only to answer questions. I know better than to force her to go through this.

 

Hi Bus, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you find the treatment that you need and that it will be effective.

 

A couple of thoughts that came to me as I read your thread...

 

If you have been married for "a quarter of a century" I am guessing you are at least in your late 40s. My guess is that you have had/are having a bit of a reckoning or "mid-life" crisis which has been thrown into sharp focus with your recent health crisis. Is it making you reassess everything?

 

I sense some disappointment with how your family life turned out. Your daughter who has stayed away and is battling some of her own demons, your wife who maybe didn't (in your own opinion) live up to her full potential....now you are looking at some monumental changes/battles ahead and you wonder if being with your family is worth it?

 

I don't know what the answer is to that. I agree that your xOW might be uniquely suited to take care of someone in sickness due to your profession. However, is that what you really want?

 

I think you mentioned that you were going to counseling? I hope you will continue. You have a lot to deal with.

 

If you really feel you should be with the xOW at this point in your life, then maybe you should explore that. Be honest with your wife if that is what you decide to do. There is nothing worse than having her (your wife) care for you, take care of you, go through the agony of watching you become very sick, etc., and then realize that you were pining for another woman the whole time. It might be a blow from which your wife might not ever recover.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to be a pooper, and I do not mean to be a spoke in the wheel, or to offend, but I personally believe it to be extremely selfish of you to not include your loved ones in on what has transpired.

 

If this condition remains untreated, and it kills you, it will almost be akin to a slow suicide, and the people who love you will have been deprived of the opportunity to become accustomed to the situation and to prepare accordingly. It will leave them grief-stricken, bereft and utterly confused.

 

I know I would be utterly devastated if my H became ill and died, and I only discovered afterwards, not only what his condition was, but that he could have had treatment, and didn't....

 

So I hate to say it, but it sounds to me, black-on-white text on a computer screen, as if you're working things to suit you....

I take nothing away fro how very devastating the news you've received is, I'm truly sorry for what it will mean for you.

 

But even in such situations, 'doing the right thing' is important.

[dichotomy]

Some good advice here. Much I agree with.

 

I am to infer that some doctor has give you a diagnosis of a serious illness (cancer?) and low probability of survival? I assume you have sought out second and third opinions?

 

During my first time with cancer, I pushed away a good woman, one who loved me more than I have ever been loved - and would have done anything for me. I let my cancer change how I lived - and I should not have done that. And while I faced high odds of survival, I did consider at that time - alternative "medicine" and non medical treatment. You are facing something , and your thoughts turn perhaps to someone you were close to for a while and provided emotional comfort.

 

Welcome to the human race - you are normal - no need to tell your wife you had a thought about OW. Tell your wife and kids you love them, and what you are about to face.

Edited March 4, 2013 by dichotomy