bolase Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) Hi Loveshack I moved to a new city 7-8 months ago and have met people through my job and sharehouse, but would still like more friends and sometimes feel lonely, especially working long hours. A guy I met early on asked me to dinner but I told him I am new and looking for friends in town not dating. He said that was fine. We hang out often and had lunch today. He says at the end "I'd like to try being more than friends. I actually have lots of friends and I don't need more friends." He didnt even say "if you felt the same" or "I like you" or "I'd like to take you on a date" or ask me out. I found it cold, and a bit weird as it was like he was making a decision that we be more than friends. I also feel really depressed about not having many friends, thinking I had made a new one in this new place, and him saying actually he has enough and wants to be more. I understand that he was interested and awkward about how to show it but to guys out there - just ask a girl out on a date..don;t waste her time pretending you enjoy hanging as friends for 7 months (without flirting!) .please never do it this way...it's awful No I am not interested Edited March 3, 2013 by bolase
RedRobin Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 OP, don't feel bad. You were honest about what you were willing to offer... and it is hard to make good friends in a new place too. Male or female. He wasn't honest. He had some other agenda and was obviously not your friend. Aren't you glad you didn't agree to 'date' the guy?
bruinbasher Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 It sounds like both parties are at fault here, as OK stated the guy's original intention was to take her out on a date to which she said no, so she knew (or should have realized) that his original intentions were to be more than friends. So all this shouldn't come as a total surprise. This guy failed miserably, to go seven months without flirting or making any advances will surely result in landing in the dreaded "friend zone". So no surprise there. So what do you do? Move on, since you have no intention of ever dating him or sleeping with him. Also, if he's gone 7 months without making a move and then confessed that he wants to ultimately bump uglies with you, he's always going to want to get in your pants. Your "friendship" is over, reiterate to him politely you're just looking for friends, then cut contact with him. You'll save yourself time and grief this way.
Bengal Tiger Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I understand that he was interested and awkward about how to show it but to guys out there - just ask a girl out on a date..don;t waste her time pretending you enjoy hanging as friends for 7 months (without flirting!) .please never do it this way...it's awful No I am not interested +1 I have female friends who I had asked out initially, got rejected, and then became platonic friends. It's best when the asking out is done first, and then dropped and let go. This way it's all out on the table and not simmering beneath the surface in a dishonest and manipulative way. Guys, you should only ask out a female friend once. Hope you make more friends. Have you tried meetup or meetin or other local event organizing groups?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Unfortunately men aren't going to ask you out to just be "friends" they're asking you out on a date and as a potential love interest. Some people choose this path to slip under the radar without having to come off direct, then basically "growing on you" while you develop a closer relationship then you just transition to the next phase in theory. It's this safe zone for a lot of people that like to do the whole friends before dating thing. The good thing is he just straight out admitted it to you, finally....yes he lied to you initially and always had romantic interest, but he likely hoped once he got some of your time and attention you may change your mind about it...he was giving himself an opportunity of leverage, so that you may be charmed or develop a likeness towards him. I think he also likely felt put on the spot and couldn't just say "no thanks", so he likely just went along with the friends thing you mentioned but had to come clean about it at some point for it to transition. When people have their minds made up about it, It really doesn't matter what you say...it's what they think and how they feel that guides their agenda. I understand you'd like to meet friends in a new area and location, but unless it's a gay man chances are pretty strong he's into you to some degree. Look at guys in the dating world, do they seem keen on putting interest or even strong effort with women if they aren't 100 percent into them? so what makes you think a man wants to put in this same effort for someone who's just a "friend"? What does he have to gain or would he gain than just getting a GF himself? I get there's a lot of different guys at there, but I believe if they had the skill or ability, they'd take a different path. These men are at best acquaintances, and that can change at any moment...especially with alcohol. If you'd like to meet men, meet them out and on your terms. Become "friends" with them and only meet/converse with them in that environment...like If you find a nice dive bar to go grab a drink at or what not. Don't go out with these men one on one and then be surprised they're not romantically interested, that's just being a little too hopeful, it might be accommodating to what you need and want at the time...but men aren't going to invest time and money with a woman without some kind of expectation or hope eventually, that the winds will shift in their directions. I've met many women who are comfortable with their male "friends" being interested in them and/or conveniently in denial of it...and then they describe the "relationship" and it's typically quite obvious this guy is into her. Some people just want to be that safety net for someone, hoping they'd turn around and see what they had the whole time....like a cheesy love Taylor Swift song.
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