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It really bothers me that she might be thinking about someone else.Should I tell her?

IAmRobot

By IAmRobot
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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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Me and this girl have hooked up for a while and were casual at the beginning. All this while she was also seeing another guy and I was fine with that as I was seeing other girls.

 

Our relations were very different. I was the cool guy she would hang out and do fun stuff with. He was the guy who would text her 24/7 telling her that he loved her.

 

As we got closer and started doing more couplish stuff, her and her other guy started getting distant. We basically started talking about feelings one day and she told me she needs a bit of time.

 

HOWEVER, last time I saw her she started crying to me because she had found out (just now), this other guy had been with another girl even when he was "professing" his love to her. I am 100% sure this happened after we got closer (i.e, I wasn't just the go to person after they got distant).

 

From what I can tell (I know her very well), she still misses him (and obviously doesn't miss me, since we see each other often), although she's told me very clearly that she's over whatever they had. Should I still keep our closeness flowing, or should I put the breaks on. I don't wanna get too attached, only to find out I was her "backup plan"....... And most importantly should I have a convo about this other guy still?

She's said it's over between them, but I know she still thinks about him from time to time and misses the "smoothering" he was giving her.

I really don't wanna show her these petty insecurities regarding this other person...

 

She shows a lot of affection towards me and implies we are heading towards a relationship. We never fight. Everything is GOOOD as far as I'm concerned. So good that sometimes I wanna give her some drama and emotional spikes to see if she truly cares about me.

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RachR Established Member

RachR

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Or you could, you know, just tell her you want to start dating as a couple, officially.

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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Or you could, you know, just tell her you want to start dating as a couple, officially.

 

But who cares if we're dating officially if she's thinking from time to time about someone else........

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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The thinking about someone else in that way is not good. It means she's still attached to him.

 

However, you and she are building a good relationship. While you are always there though and available, you can't compete with someone who is tantalising and unavailable to her. You could become a little less available and go out and meet others. Just to make her realise you are not there on a string for her and not so attached that you can't build a life separate from her.

 

It's a difficult balancing act. What if you said to her that you like her a lot and would want to date only her, but the fact that she's still attached to this guy means it's not a good idea. Then don't make any plans, but leave her to mull this over. It's the truth, after all. Try not to spend too much time with her. If she really likes you a lot, she may start seeing you in a different light. For this relationship to develop as you wish, she needs to start seeing you as the guy who is foremost in her mind, the one she is bonded to, rather than the other guy. I think you need to become a little more remote for this to happen. It's so easy to take for granted someone who is always there and clearly adores you.

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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The thinking about someone else in that way is not good. It means she's still attached to him.

 

However, you and she are building a good relationship. While you are always there though and available, you can't compete with someone who is tantalising and unavailable to her. You could become a little less available and go out and meet others. Just to make her realise you are not there on a string for her and not so attached that you can't build a life separate from her.

 

It's a difficult balancing act. What if you said to her that you like her a lot and would want to date only her, but the fact that she's still attached to this guy means it's not a good idea. Then don't make any plans, but leave her to mull this over. It's the truth, after all. Try not to spend too much time with her. If she really likes you a lot, she may start seeing you in a different light. For this relationship to develop as you wish, she needs to start seeing you as the guy who is foremost in her mind, the one she is bonded to, rather than the other guy. I think you need to become a little more remote for this to happen. It's so easy to take for granted someone who is always there and clearly adores you.

 

I think exactly like this.

 

My only question in all this is am I really showing her this "availability".... We show each other the same level of affection and she knows I have my own life on the side, which involves meeting new people a lot (I am a model/promoter).

 

We hang out and make plans 3x/week and it's a pretty "common" effort to see each other. I don't clearly "adore" her. Rather the other guy did. So I am just afraid that if I pull back a lot, it will just make her more confused.

Her level of interest seems very high right now, (whenever she sees me she smiles, can't help but touch me hug me caress me, and all this is pretty mutual). However I am sure this other guy is on the back of her mind from time to time.

 

A rather better approach I think, might be to keep seeing her and only pull back a bit, once in a while, to make her miss me... The whole problem in all this "plan" is that I will miss her like HELL too. :/

 

Anyway mostly I'm planning to leave it to time. I was only debating whether to tell her that this bothers me or not, which given the way I am, I don't think I ll do.

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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As we got closer and started doing more couplish stuff, her and her other guy started getting distant. We basically started talking about feelings one day and she told me she needs a bit of time.

 

 

Want to know how to scare a girl away... the zillions of times I posted this on LS and no one believes me...

 

He tells her everyday he loves her... she grows distant from him... you tell her you love her and you have feelings for her... she grows distant from you...

 

hmmmmm can we see a pattern here? guys that do this have a better chance of scoring a girl by chasing her naked with a sawed off shotgun

 

why can't guys just be quiet, stop this nonsense and just date and have fun.

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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Want to know how to scare a girl away... the zillions of times I posted this on LS and no one believes me...

 

He tells her everyday he loves her... she grows distant from him... you tell her you love her and you have feelings for her... she grows distant from you...

 

hmmmmm can we see a pattern here? guys that do this have a better chance of scoring a girl by chasing her naked with a sawed off shotgun

 

why can't guys just be quiet, stop this nonsense and just date and have fun.

 

..... She never got distant from me ..... And I never told her I loved her, just that she is what I want. (I wanted to make sure she knew I wasn't looking for other women, as I was doing until now)

 

And she never got distant from him for that fact. Other reasons.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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But who cares if we're dating officially if she's thinking from time to time about someone else........

Oh, puleeeze.... You absolutely cannot regulate what is in someone else's head. You aren't the mind police and she won't respond positively to wanting to date officially to anyone that has concerns about this sort of minutiae.

 

The thinking about someone else in that way is not good. It means she's still attached to him.

Totally disagree here. I still think about Ex's and "what-if" scenarios but that does not mean I am still attached to any of those ideas.

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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Oh, puleeeze.... You absolutely cannot regulate what is in someone else's head. You aren't the mind police and she won't respond positively to wanting to date officially to anyone that has concerns about this sort of minutiae.

 

 

Totally disagree here. I still think about Ex's and "what-if" scenarios but that does not mean I am still attached to any of those ideas.

 

Can you please expand on your second line...

 

How can you be FULLY with a person in the PRESENT if you're thinking about "what-ifs" with an ex?

 

EDIT: And yeah, I can't regulate what she thinks. But she can. If she wants him out of her life and be with me she needs to be 100% get rid of the thought. Otherwise I am not sure I will be able to follow through, with the thought that she's not 100% sure of this (since she has what-ifs)

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CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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..... She never got distant from me ..... And I never told her I loved her, just that she is what I want. (I wanted to make sure she knew I wasn't looking for other women, as I was doing until now)

 

And she never got distant from him for that fact. Other reasons.

 

She did get distant from him for that fact...

 

Women are like cats, what happens when you trap one with your hand to the ground (aka smother it... pressure it)... the cat will do anything it can to escape... it might even fake you out so that you will let it go and when you do let it go, it will run for the hills.

 

When you play with a cat with a piece of string and just dangle the string in front of the cat, what does it do, it will play with it and swat at it. What happens if you throw the string at the cat, it will get bored and go look for a new toy to play with and swat at.

 

See where I am going with this, you told her she was the one...(famous last words)... you threw the string at her, now shes bored, wants to go find a new string to play with and hopefully its more of a challenge... now that the other guy has a new girl... hes the challenge and you are boring

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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She did get distant from him for that fact...

 

Women are like cats, what happens when you trap one with your hand to the ground (aka smother it... pressure it)... the cat will do anything it can to escape... it might even fake you out so that you will let it go and when you do let it go, it will run for the hills.

 

When you play with a cat with a piece of string and just dangle the string in front of the cat, what does it do, it will play with it and swat at it. What happens if you throw the string at the cat, it will get bored and go look for a new toy to play with and swat at.

 

See where I am going with this, you told her she was the one...(famous last words)... you threw the string at her, now shes bored, wants to go find a new string to play with and hopefully its more of a challenge... now that the other guy has a new girl... hes the challenge and you are boring

 

I agree with most of your post. But I think this is in the initial stages. Later on another kind of bonding happens, which is just being comfortable with the person. (i.e what makes people stay married for 20 yrs? Definitely not "the challenge")

 

Since I told her she was what I wanted, we have been spending more time together and honestly my read is she's becoming more attached as she initiates contact and plans more often and is more "lovie dovie"....

 

Finally, I too have an ex I talk to from time to time. I too get flirted by girls and have my phone ring often when we're together. I don't think I've completely stopped being a challenge and begged for her to take me.

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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People stay together for 20 years because the guy in the relationship knows he always must be a challenge and yet chase/be romantic -OR- the couple settled and the marriage is a sham of friendship where 2 people are together because they dont want to be alone

 

If your read was/is "correct" you would not be posting about it on loveshack. You wouldnt be worried. Attached doesnt mean she is in love with you or ever will be in love with you. Attached is friendship love

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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Bump for more opinions

HitMeNow Established Member

HitMeNow

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Hard situation IMO.

You'll probably have to jsut wait it out and see what happens. Don't invest too much in her though. Just keep doing what you're doing.

 

Worst thing worst if she doesn't put out in a month or 2, you might have to end things.

Believe me 2-3 years from now it will seem like "just another" crush.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Can you please expand on your second line...

 

How can you be FULLY with a person in the PRESENT if you're thinking about "what-ifs" with an ex?

 

EDIT: And yeah, I can't regulate what she thinks. But she can. If she wants him out of her life and be with me she needs to be 100% get rid of the thought. Otherwise I am not sure I will be able to follow through, with the thought that she's not 100% sure of this (since she has what-ifs)

 

With all due respect - and I am asking this honestly - how old are you?

 

Those of us that age and have this experience with multiple relationships (and potential relationship) in our life, we understand that you can be fully with a person in the present but still question the potential life paths and what-ifs...

 

Just look at movies like It's a Wonderful Life and Star Trek episodes that show alternative timelines. It is human nature to question to question the Road Not Taken, but that does not mean we can't fully embrace the path we do take. I am a multiple rape victim. I often wonder what my life would be like had I not experienced the traumas that I was subjected to, but I do not dwell on those experiences, but - yes - they creep into my mind now and then. How can they not?

 

To do that, you have to have faith in the person you are with. You can't wonder if she is thinking of her Road Not Taken without driving yourself crazy.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Bump for more opinions

Date someone else. This young lady hasn't sufficiently matured to progress a healthy LTR, if that is your goal. See below for the canary:

 

'last time I saw her she started crying to me because she had found out (just now), this other guy had been with another girl even when he was "professing" his love to her. '

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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Date someone else. This young lady hasn't sufficiently matured to progress a healthy LTR, if that is your goal. See below for the canary:

 

'last time I saw her she started crying to me because she had found out (just now), this other guy had been with another girl even when he was "professing" his love to her. '

 

Yes, but that would just mean calling it quits pretty much. We're at a point where something like that would be almost seen as cheating (although we never said we were exclusive... we really are)

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IAmRobot Established Member

IAmRobot

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This casual sex thing is too funny... so explain me again... you don't care that she is getting banged by other guy but you have problems with her thinking about him?

 

I do have a problem right now if she gets banged by some other dude. I didn't at first.

 

However, I'm gonna say that looking on her track record, she's slept with noone else since we've been together (although I was at first).

 

HOWEVER, she likes attention and this guy was giving her TONNNS (even though I was the one banging her) Hence she misses him. Now my dilemma is

- try to replace this attention she had (which I have "a bit"),

- or keep being cool and ****ing her.

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